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95 year old parent who is blind, practically deaf. recently hospitalized for compression fracture has now made it back to assisted living. He complains everyday of pain, says he is not hungry but is forcing himself to eat because "he knows he needs it". He complains of no energy. Waits till I get there to shave him with his electric shaver because he doesn't have the energy. Yet, he manages to go outside each day to get sunshine because he doesn't want to be pale like other "old" people. He tells me that he couldn't eat if I didn't come feed him...still, he eats very little and complains of no appetite But, is so concerned about his physical appearance. I'm at a loss. I don't know if he is fading, or just wanting me there more.,

Staff should be shaving him and taking care of other aspects of ADL's that he can no longer manage.
Are you saying that if you did not come and feed him he would not eat?
Stop feeding him.
If he is hungry he will eat. If he is "fighting to stay alive as long as possible" he will not starve himself to death. (someone that wants to live will not voluntarily stop eating and drinking)
I think you hit the nail on the head when you wrote that he wants you there more.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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The staff should shave him. It should be part of his care.

He is 95 and needs you more than you need him. What is he going to do to you at 95 in care? You need to call his bluff. You need to show that you are no longer going to put up with his stuff. Your life is not his. When he complains about no visitors tell him its because he is a miserable old man. Walk out of the room or leave the facility when he gets started. Look up "Grey Rocking" and use it. Treat him like you would a child.

There are people on this site that have been thru the same thing as you. Finally, they say enough is enough. There is a Christain based book called Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud read it.

A member on the forum said that "Honor your Father and Mother" does not mean you must care for them. It means that you Honor them by being a good person.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Back off to twice a week visits. Then back off to every 4 or 5 days.
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Reply to brandee
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You have allowed your father to take advantage of you all this time to the detriment of not only your health, but your marriage and well being too.
How very sad that you've allowed this manipulation to continue and from what I've read in your replies you seem to have no intention of stopping the nonsense.
So I'm not sure I can say anything you'll listen to, other than to say that it's WAY past time that you put your big girl panties on and decide to put yourself, your husband and marriage before your manipulative father before it's you that dies before he does an unhappy, unfulfilled woman.
You deserve SO much better!!!
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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anikaa 2 hours ago
You are 100% correct and I know it. It helps to hear someone else say it. I'm going to try to get a grip on the situation or end up in the looney bin.
Thank you for responding!
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If you are tired take care of yourself first. If he is in a facility, aides can shave him. It is part of the training.
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Reply to Scampie1
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You need to start not showing up every day. You have no obligation and it is more than past the time for you to get back to your life. He could live another 5-10 years and you will regret the time you lost with your husband. Stop letting him manipulate you and ROB you of your peace of mind and time for yourself. You are not responsible for pampering him like a spoiled child. Other people that are already getting paid can do that.
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Reply to ShirleyDot
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My mother is also a narcissist. Today she told me because I missed two visits in two months (I visit 8 times a month usually) I was just like the other relatives that almost never visited. One visit I missed was because my son graduated high school. The other my husband was ill with a virus and I didn't want mom to catch it. Mom knew both of these reasons but still wanted to let me know it was not OK I missed two visits. You CAN NOT let a narcissist call the shots. Walk away. Let the facility deal with him. Visit as little as you want to. Take a vacation and do NOT apologize to your dad for it. You deserve to be happy, not manipulated by a toxic father. Your dad is not one of a kind. There are many just like him. He just wants you and everyone else to think he is one of a kind. My mom is the same way. Start watching Surviving Narcissism on Youtube by Dr. Les. It has helped me so much! Get the book Boundaries as well. Stand strong and don't let him rule your life. Don't try to get his approval or acceptance or apology. That will never happen.
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Reply to JustAnon
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Beethoven13 15 hours ago
Also Jerry Wise, getting narcissistic parents out of you. And Lindsay Gibson, adult children of Emotionally Immature Parents and disentangling. There is so much to learn. Some is easy and obviously recognizable. The harder work begins when you work on yourself, because they will never change. They don’t see any reason to change and/ or their personality disorder is overlaid by aging related changes. I have learned not to compare my experiences to healthy families with emotionally mature adults and good enough parents. That was not my experience. Take care of yourself first, you are as important as any elder parent or anyone else. Dysfunctional behavior and emotional immaturity is often passed down from generation to generation. I have not had much family support. Hopefully you are more fortunate but be prepared. This site is very reliable and in my experience, solid advice.
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Anikaa, at 72 yourself take care of you and your husband first.

Take a vacation this summer or at least some mini breaks of 3-4 days.

The man has a will to live.
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anikaa 16 hours ago
Yes! He does! We haven't felt that we can take (nor have we taken) a real vacation since his original fall in 2019. It's hard. We have a really large family and I am the only one who even visits and he talks to me about how "mean" the rest of the family is for not visiting him and he expects me there eveyday,
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Awwe, regular daily sunshine really perked Mom up. That little bit of vitamin D makes a difference. In face Mom would perk up every summer and then have declines during the grayness of winter.

Awwe, your Dad is concerned about how he looks.

We have plenty of 105-110 year olds here in Florida.
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anikaa 17 hours ago
LOL!! yeah, he's always been a total narcissist😂😂 some things never change.
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Use his funds to pay a staff member to shave him. Let him eat or not eat based on his own efforts and appetite. Accept that his living or leaving this earth is not something controlled by your actions or lack of actions. Visit when it’s convenient for you and keep the conversation light and positive. I wish you peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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anikaa 17 hours ago
thanks for the input, but you have NO Idea. He still has his mind 100% and the guilt I have dealt with all my life is still rampant. Yeah, I could do as you say, but.... unless you've been here, you would know that I can't.
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Yes!!!! It does. I'm sorry, but Yes, it does! He's told me multiple times that he could easily outlive my husband and me and now I have no cause to doubt it.
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The man wants to live. A relative of mine lived in AL until he was 102!
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Reply to lealonnie1
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anikaa 17 hours ago
I'm sure he will too
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Does it feel like manipulation to you?
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Reply to Beethoven13
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anikaa 17 hours ago
Yes!!!! It does. I'm sorry, but Yes, it does! He's told me multiple times that he could easily outlive my husband and me and now. at 72, I have no cause to doubt it. I'm just tired.
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