95 year old who is fighting to stay alive as long as possible.

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95 year old who is fighting to stay alive as long as possible.

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95 year old parent who is blind, practically deaf. recently hospitalized for compression fracture has now made it back to assisted living. He complains everyday of pain, says he is not hungry but is forcing himself to eat because "he knows he needs it". He complains of no energy. Waits till I get there to shave him with his electric shaver because he doesn't have the energy. Yet, he manages to go outside each day to get sunshine because he doesn't want to be pale like other "old" people. He tells me that he couldn't eat if I didn't come feed him...still, he eats very little and complains of no appetite But, is so concerned about his physical appearance. I'm at a loss. I don't know if he is fading, or just wanting me there more.,

Assisted Living Burnout Dad Family Caregiver Mental Health

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Assisted living does not spoon feed residents .
Your Dad needs a higher level of care in SNF. Yes , he’s fading , which is normal for 95 . He may also want you there to visit because he knows his time is limited . Transfer him to SNF where he will get the care he needs, feeding , shaving , etc. and just be a visiting adult child without doing his hands on care. Relieve yourself of doing his care so you don’t have to visit everyday . Your time to do what you want and your marriage matter too .

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Reply to waytomisery

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Back off . Don’t go everyday. If he doesn’t feed himself , the assisted living will tell him he has to go to SNF.
No guilt. You did not make your Dad old.

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Mattcizmo, Do you work in LTC facility because my RN daughter does. And she will tell you her residents are not all adorable. My Dad was a loveable Curmudgeon. You either liked him or didn't and she was the apple of his eye. She said he got her ready for those other Curmudgeons she cared for.

Some elders are manipulative like the one in this post. There is no way I would have shaved my Dad when there is staff to do it. If he was capable of feeding himself, I would not be doing it.

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Reply to JoAnn29

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I understand that I cannot hold an elderly person who is likely suffering from dementia in one form or another and memory loss, and other issues, accountable for their actions. That is rule #1 for me. I can understand needing your parent to interact with you in a loving and kind way, but I am training myself to let all negative comments roll off of my back. If I have a good interaction with my mom, that is a bonus. But expecting it to happen is a huge mistake, and completely selfish on my part. She cannot help the fact that her cognition is declining. As an RN at work, I have been trained to treat all of my patients with respect regardless of how they behave. Its not always easy but once you get the hang of it, it makes life much easier.

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Hi, I just joined this group. I am hoping it helps me to share my own as well as others' experiences. Your dad sounds adorable. I am "taking care" of my soon to be 96 year old mother who lives about two miles from me in the house I grew up in. I say "taking care" because she is selective as to what she will let me do. More on her later. My gut feeling is to tell you to treasure these days even if they are difficult and let him know you love him. I am an RN and I see a lot of older people pass away and the emptiness that is left behind. Not just for the families but also the nursing staff. We get to know them and then poof. Treasure your dad while you can.

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Reply to Mattchizmo

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I somehow think you wouldn’t find him “adorable” if you were the daughter he emotionally neglected and manipulated for over 70 years. Narcissistic people are great at charming other people, it doesn’t make them cute. It sounds like he is the one who needs a lesson on cherishing his daughter, something it sadly seems he has never done. We can all feel sorry for him, but that doesn’t mean his daughter should continue to sacrifice her life for him. He made his bed.

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I had an elderly aunt who was placed in a very nice SNF after every other caregiver arrangement failed. Including living next door to adult daughter and family. At the SNF, She wouldn’t bathe unless my female cousin came and bathed her. I saw this as major manipulation. There were aides at this nice facility to help her bathe but she wanted to control her adult daughter into making her feel like she had to come visit and help her bathe at least twice a week. To be fair, my aunt was also emotionally abused by her emotionally immature parents who used her. They Refused paid care, wouldn’t let the paid caregiver provide meaningful care so that the adult daughter always had to be the caregiver, wouldn’t move off a dumpy farm to somewhere more convenient for care, and had absolutely no conscience for what they did to their children. The youngest daughter, my aunt, escaped by cover of darkness. Her sons sold her house on line and moved her several states away. Literally overnight. My mother was flabbergasted. I think aunt knew she was being targeted for being the caregiver for her elderly, difficult parents. She escaped. Never came back for 20 years. Her mother told her to quit high school and be a caregiver, per my mother. My grandparents had horrible childhoods in early 1920’s no shocker. But other siblings from their same generation seem to have thrived better. Idk why but I am curious.,Generational trauma and emotional immaturity and horribly selfish parenting through generations. oh my mother? She spent most Saturdays of my childhood cleaning their hoarding house and fighting with her mother. Instead of any focus on our family of 3 with my dad and me. My father also preferred escape. My mother also told me she kept her job so she wouldn’t get stuck caring for her difficult elderly parents. My mom had a 45 year career with a fortune 100 company. It was her identity and she loved her job. She had Perfect attendance for 45 years. She stayed home with me in the 1960’s until I was 9 months old. I was a child “who didn’t need much”. A little grown up. I had a long series of caregivers, babysitters, relatives who cared for me and long periods of being alone. My dad was the enabler to my covert narcissist mother. He was more loving and caring but would not stand up to her. I came home to help care for him and manage his care 4 years ago. I kept my full time job and did not live with them. He died in fall 2024. My mother is 92 and thriving at home with caregivers. I manage her care, from an increasing distance and my own life. It’s not what I planned, it’s what I have been given.

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Reply to Beethoven13

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Anikaa, senior facilities have plenty of selfish, narcissistic residents who tell their children how miserable they are, but the staff and other visitors see that the complainers are just fine, some even thriving, when the children aren't there. Your responses (thanks for taking the time, a lot of people don't) make it clear that your father is one of these.

Stop letting your father manipulate you. If he's hungry, he'll eat, whether you're there or not. If he chooses not to, that's his choice. If he can't or won't shave or let the staff shave him, he grows a beard. Making you shave him every day is ridiculous.

I can't emphasize enough, it is time for you and your husband to enjoy your retirement together. 72 and no vacations together since 2019? I'm sorry to be blunt, but that is extremely unfair to your husband. You are going to have so many regrets if, once you are finally free of your father's demands, you or your husband will have had declines in your health that prevent you from being able to do the pleasant things that you and he DESERVE, all because you felt the need to cater to a selfish old man.

RIGHT NOW, ask your husband where he'd like to go, sit down in front of your computers, and BOOK a trip of at least a week. Whether an inexpensive driving trip or a luxury cruise, whatever fits your budget, just do it now. Don't tell your dad until the day before you leave, and then just say, see you in a week, I look forward to seeing how handsome your new beard will look.

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Reply to MG8522

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This! I spent five years dealing with my nonagenarian parents who at the end of the day were ungrateful and unappreciative of my and my sisters' efforts to help them age in place in their home. Lots of plans were on the back burner because I figured we'd do them when they were finally gone which I expected in a year or two. My mother died three years into my slog but my father is still lingering in a state of decrepitude in a nursing home at age 97. No end in sight.

My 75 y/o husband was diagnosed with heart failure recently and while it is not bad it is never going to get better, only worse in time.

I regret all the sacrifice I made for my parents. Maybe if I had received one thank you at some point my feelings right now would be different. But the way I look at it is that my husband and I were cheated out of a large chunk of time when he was well and we could have done more of the things we wished we could have done.

I'm carrying a lot of bitterness around about it. I hope it eventually goes away.

OP should take note and put her husband first.

(5)

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Anika, a couple of things to think about:

1) F ‘has no energy’ because he is 95. Enough said!
2) He wants to be a suntanned corpse. I suppose he wants an open-coffin funeral? Ask him!
3) Father wouldn’t eat unless you feed him. That’s OK, it’s his choice. Fading away is not a bad way to go.
4) There is no culture on earth that has had a long-term track record of keeping 95 year olds alive.

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Reply to MargaretMcKen

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Agreed.

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OP - Please find a therapist for support and who can help you overcome how this incredibly disfunctional relationship has warped your sense of self. Narcissistic parents can really damage their children and sadly, the damage continues even after they die. Their critical voice will still be in your head, telling you that you aren’t good enough, don’t deserve to rest, etc. The cycle is very hard to break but you need to break it or you will never be free. We can tell you a hundred times that you don’t deserve this treatment, but you’ll continue to go back and try to earn his approval and love. Patterns formed over 7 decades are hard to break alone. With dysfunction that runs this deep, you may need to stop seeing him completely to detox, and no one likes to detox which is why so many people fall off the wagon.

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Reply to ShirleyDot

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You don’t mention dementia. My dad was diagnosed with frontotemporal dementia in his 70s. It comes with a lot of personality changes plus obsessions. In his case, he became a lot more small minded, self absorbed, egotistical. And yes, much more focused on his appearance. He was eating nothing except small amounts of vanilla ice cream and a few ounces of orange juice per day, so he had lost huge amounts of weight. Like concentration camp thin. And he was all twisted and stooped and he had chronic sores on his face from picking it and he hardly washed at all. But at the same time, he became quite vain and conceited, paid a lot of attention to young women, etc. Dementia is strange. He passed away at age 80.

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Reply to Suzy23

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Thank you for commenting. But, no, he doesn't have dementia. His memory is better than mine. He has always been overly focused on and proud of his looks. Also, he has always thought women were after him and still thinks so. He still loves to look at and hug younger women. None of those things are a personality change for him. He loves attention and expects it even more so now than ever.

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We had a 94 year guy who flew solo from Australia to Europe for a 3-1/2 week river cruise. He dressed very dapper. He was definitely concerned about how he looked and dressed.

I live in Florida and there are many over 100 years old who walk to the dining hall for meals at our local retirement community.

If he has the will to live he could be with you for another 10 years.

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Reply to brandee

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I agree that he could be here many more years and he has the intention of doing so.

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Reading the situation described highlights a deeply heartbreaking aspect of how aging and the end-of-life process are navigated.

First and foremost, it is crucial to recognize that a loss of appetite is a completely natural, biological part of the dying process. As a person reaches the final chapters of their life, especially in their mid-90s, the body’s metabolic needs drop drastically. The hunger naturally decreases because the body is systematically winding down and planning for death. Forcing oneself to eat, or a family member feeling compelled to force food, often goes against the body's natural inclination to transition peacefully.
Beyond the physical mechanics, it is incredibly somber to consider the emotional weight of this stage—specifically, how terrifying and lonely it would feel to be forgotten or misunderstood by those closest to you.

The poster wonders if their 95-year-old father is "just wanting me there more," perhaps missing the profound reality that he is genuinely fading.
It highlights a frustrating broader cultural issue: the way elders are treated and viewed in the United States can be deeply disappointing compared to other parts of the world. In many European and non-Western cultures, the elderly are not viewed as a logistical puzzle to solve or left to fade in isolation; they remain an absolute anchor and an integral part of the active family dynamic.
Growing old and losing our autonomy is a vulnerability we will all face if we are lucky. God willing, the people reading or responding to situations like this will live until they are in their 90s—and if they do, they should please circle back to this post to truly understand what it feels like to stand on the edge of that horizon.

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Reply to aginginus

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I understand much of your comment and concern. I watched my dad be increasingly disregarded, left out of conversation, and fade until the end. I worked hard to show him he was valued, as he most certainly was, and continues to be long after he’s left us. You’re very correct about the eating, it does naturally decrease and shouldn’t be forced. And yes, our culture doesn’t value the elderly as we should. I guess the difference between us is finding the balance of maintaining one’s own wellbeing while helping our elders, especially when a parent is unreasonable or manipulative to get their way. No one should sacrifice their own health and life in service to another’s ridiculous demands. I definitely helped my dad, a lot. He also thanked me for everything many times and didn’t demand or try to control. Caregiving is a two way street or everyone is miserable

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Staff should be shaving him and taking care of other aspects of ADL's that he can no longer manage.
Are you saying that if you did not come and feed him he would not eat?
Stop feeding him.
If he is hungry he will eat. If he is "fighting to stay alive as long as possible" he will not starve himself to death. (someone that wants to live will not voluntarily stop eating and drinking)
I think you hit the nail on the head when you wrote that he wants you there more.

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Reply to Grandma1954

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They should but they don't. He eats "as best as he can" when I'm not there. NO! He will not starve himself to death. He is too determined to live until the end of time (his words). I know he is playing me and I'm so exhausted.

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The staff should shave him. It should be part of his care.

He is 95 and needs you more than you need him. What is he going to do to you at 95 in care? You need to call his bluff. You need to show that you are no longer going to put up with his stuff. Your life is not his. When he complains about no visitors tell him its because he is a miserable old man. Walk out of the room or leave the facility when he gets started. Look up "Grey Rocking" and use it. Treat him like you would a child.

There are people on this site that have been thru the same thing as you. Finally, they say enough is enough. There is a Christain based book called Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud read it.

A member on the forum said that "Honor your Father and Mother" does not mean you must care for them. It means that you Honor them by being a good person.

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Reply to JoAnn29

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Back off to twice a week visits. Then back off to every 4 or 5 days.

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Reply to brandee

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You have allowed your father to take advantage of you all this time to the detriment of not only your health, but your marriage and well being too.
How very sad that you've allowed this manipulation to continue and from what I've read in your replies you seem to have no intention of stopping the nonsense.
So I'm not sure I can say anything you'll listen to, other than to say that it's WAY past time that you put your big girl panties on and decide to put yourself, your husband and marriage before your manipulative father before it's you that dies before he does an unhappy, unfulfilled woman.
You deserve SO much better!!!

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Reply to funkygrandma59

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You are 100% correct and I know it. It helps to hear someone else say it. I'm going to try to get a grip on the situation or end up in the looney bin.
Thank you for responding!

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If you are tired take care of yourself first. If he is in a facility, aides can shave him. It is part of the training.

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Reply to Scampie1

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You need to start not showing up every day. You have no obligation and it is more than past the time for you to get back to your life. He could live another 5-10 years and you will regret the time you lost with your husband. Stop letting him manipulate you and ROB you of your peace of mind and time for yourself. You are not responsible for pampering him like a spoiled child. Other people that are already getting paid can do that.

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Reply to ShirleyDot

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Agree. But you don’t have to justify you can’t be there just to choose between a husband vs being there for old selfish father. The OP deserves to have a life for herself. To take of her self and needs first ( assuming no minor children, then they come first until age 18). Husband is an adult, he can take care of himself. If he is the partner she deserves, he would be supportive of her not visiting old father more than once a month and going with her for short visits and then they, husband and wife go for a nice dinner afterwards. Old father gets the care he needs from the facility and staff he is paying for or hire additional support with his money. If he changes his tune and is more appreciative and agreeable towards daughter, maybe she comes an extra day to visit or her and husband bring takeout to eat with dad or watch part of a game or walk with him around the facility or garden or organize his closet or bring him some nice bath products or reading material or snacks or whatever. If he chooses to remain demanding and manipulative, well, you reap what you sow, as someone told my mother a long time ago. She never understood. When you are the one that needs the help, you swallow your pride and become agreeable and appreciative and accepting of what others can do. Or, no one helps. They are not obliged and you can not command them. Control is a big part of dysfunctional family relationships. That’s why many people walk away.

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My mother is also a narcissist. Today she told me because I missed two visits in two months (I visit 8 times a month usually) I was just like the other relatives that almost never visited. One visit I missed was because my son graduated high school. The other my husband was ill with a virus and I didn't want mom to catch it. Mom knew both of these reasons but still wanted to let me know it was not OK I missed two visits. You CAN NOT let a narcissist call the shots. Walk away. Let the facility deal with him. Visit as little as you want to. Take a vacation and do NOT apologize to your dad for it. You deserve to be happy, not manipulated by a toxic father. Your dad is not one of a kind. There are many just like him. He just wants you and everyone else to think he is one of a kind. My mom is the same way. Start watching Surviving Narcissism on Youtube by Dr. Les. It has helped me so much! Get the book Boundaries as well. Stand strong and don't let him rule your life. Don't try to get his approval or acceptance or apology. That will never happen.

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Reply to JustAnon

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Also Jerry Wise, getting narcissistic parents out of you. And Lindsay Gibson, adult children of Emotionally Immature Parents and disentangling. There is so much to learn. Some is easy and obviously recognizable. The harder work begins when you work on yourself, because they will never change. They don’t see any reason to change and/ or their personality disorder is overlaid by aging related changes. I have learned not to compare my experiences to healthy families with emotionally mature adults and good enough parents. That was not my experience. Take care of yourself first, you are as important as any elder parent or anyone else. Dysfunctional behavior and emotional immaturity is often passed down from generation to generation. I have not had much family support. Hopefully you are more fortunate but be prepared. This site is very reliable and in my experience, solid advice.

(5)

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Anikaa, at 72 yourself take care of you and your husband first.

Take a vacation this summer or at least some mini breaks of 3-4 days.

The man has a will to live.

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Reply to brandee

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Yes! He does! We haven't felt that we can take (nor have we taken) a real vacation since his original fall in 2019. It's hard. We have a really large family and I am the only one who even visits and he talks to me about how "mean" the rest of the family is for not visiting him and he expects me there eveyday,

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Awwe, regular daily sunshine really perked Mom up. That little bit of vitamin D makes a difference. In face Mom would perk up every summer and then have declines during the grayness of winter.

Awwe, your Dad is concerned about how he looks.

We have plenty of 105-110 year olds here in Florida.

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Reply to brandee

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LOL!! yeah, he's always been a total narcissist😂😂 some things never change.

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Use his funds to pay a staff member to shave him. Let him eat or not eat based on his own efforts and appetite. Accept that his living or leaving this earth is not something controlled by your actions or lack of actions. Visit when it’s convenient for you and keep the conversation light and positive. I wish you peace

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Reply to Daughterof1930

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thanks for the input, but you have NO Idea. He still has his mind 100% and the guilt I have dealt with all my life is still rampant. Yeah, I could do as you say, but.... unless you've been here, you would know that I can't.

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Yes!!!! It does. I'm sorry, but Yes, it does! He's told me multiple times that he could easily outlive my husband and me and now I have no cause to doubt it.

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Reply to anikaa

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The man wants to live. A relative of mine lived in AL until he was 102!

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Reply to lealonnie1

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I'm sure he will too

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Does it feel like manipulation to you?

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Reply to Beethoven13

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Yes!!!! It does. I'm sorry, but Yes, it does! He's told me multiple times that he could easily outlive my husband and me and now. at 72, I have no cause to doubt it. I'm just tired.

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95 year old who is fighting to stay alive as long as possible.

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