I'm an unpaid carer for an elderly neighbour. I moved several hundred km away and he then moved to live next door to me again. I was a little put off by that but I let it happen because I could see he wasn't happy where he'd been living. Mostly it's not a problem but every few weeks he seems to cycle into a mean and nasty phase. When he's like that he makes it impossible to care for him or even tolerate him. He will pick arguments, accuse me of random things like purposely missing a turn off on the road or saying things that I simply haven't said. He will refuse aspects of his care then act oblivious when specialists/nurses/doctors ask why things haven't happened. His favourite thing to do is to manipulate medical staff into having a go at me or worse still ignoring my input. He's just fired up again today with that one and I'm so hurt by it. He knows I'm a decent person who won't walk away and abandon him and I feel taken advantage of. I know what I should do, walk away, but I also know that I won't do that. Feels better to have had a rant at least.
Alzheimers . Elder Services may be able to help you have him tested. There are two lives that matter here.
Not just his . You might find strength in the program of Co-dependents anonymous. I did. If he is ill, he will eventually require 3 nurses on 8 hour shifts. Do you want to be there ?
Sounds like a mean phase may be a medical issue.
Or he needs someone to stomp on to feel powerful, that his health isn't declining.
What would happen if you said either pay you or you can't drive him to medical appt? What if you walked out of the house when he started a rant?
You NEVER deserve to feel hurt. Take an initiative and speak back or walk off. See what happens, he will either hear you and treat you better because he has no one else, or he will freak worse, which is your cue to move away or lock your doors and never see him again.
You are not his puppet. He is wrong. Not paying you is shameful.
Bottom line is remove yourself from the situation.
If you are not getting paid….stop working for this person.
If, like the OP you moved “several hundred Km away” and this person followed you you should get a restraining order to prevent them from having contact with you. The person is a stalker.
(although with OP I wonder how this person found out where Notevenrelated moved to unless he/she told the person)
Only YOU can change these dynamics. Only YOU can decide to make life better for yourself.
Best wishes and therapy is great for this change as you don't want to or should carry any guilt around ending this relationship. It is unhealthy and you have the right to have joy and be treated as a decent human being.
Good luck!
In life the very people you try to help will turn on you.
I would not not do it.
You also need to nip it in the bud, if he starts being rude to you.
You might even start having talks with him about checking out some assisted living places as you'll not be there forever.
You appear to be a very kind person, but you are forgetting to be kind to yourself.
We all only have one life. Use yours to spend time around people that make you feel happy, or at least appreciated.
You know what you need to do.
Personally I think this person is a stalker.
I think this person is an abuser.
BUT you are allowing it to happen.
BUT until you stop letting yourself be abused and stalked NOTHING will change.
I does not matter what all this advice says until you set boundaries.
Until you remove yourself from the situation
The same thing will continue to happen.
Talking to a therapist to determine why your self esteem is the way it is, why you allow this to happen MIGHT help.
OH, we are not the ones to "rant" to. It is the person that has put you in this position.
How did you let it happen? Do you own the property that he lives in?
You can tell him that you will not be his scratching post and as much as it goes against your nature, you will completely disconnect from him if he doesn't stop with the abuse.
You can change this situation by standing up and stop being his doormat. Sorry, I don't think that laying down for his abusive treatment makes you a decent person, it makes you a doormat.
He doesn't think that you are a decent person, he thinks you are an easy target. Don't give him credit for believing anything good about you.
I'd explore this belief of yours that a person who would walk away is NOT decent with someone who is impartial -- say, a therapist.
You need to stand your ground with the Medical people. Tell them you are not related, you are his neighbor doing him a favor. You are not paid to be his Caregiver. That you don't need them berating you.
Then you need to set boundries with him. There must be services out there, research them. Then give him the list and start backing off. If he wants you to do something and its a service on the list, tell him to call that number. We have senior transportation here in the US, if you do, have him use it. Make his doctors aware that you no longer will be helping him and why. Tell them they will need to find services to help him.
Has he promised you he'll leave you in the Will or compensate you in some way? If so, is it really worth it? Like said, when he starts to abuse you walk out. If you have the nerve and he starts this in public, leave him and tell him find his own ride home. This would be hard for me to do but when I got him home I would leave him at the front door and tell him not to call me again. He needs you more than you need him. His abuse has to stop.
We have Adult Protection Services (APS) here in the US. If you have something similar, call them and ask that they evaluate your neighbor for services. Tell them he relies on you too much and you need to back off.
If your from the UK we have a few members. Country mouse being one of them who works with clients every day. Its about 5 pm her time so she should be on later.
You say you won't walk away but you probably should
While you are showing this man great kindness, you are not treating yourself that way. At the very least, explain to him you won't stand for it anymore. Maybe you can look into what assistance you can find him to relieve the burden on yourself and maybe transfer your role into being a neighbor friend.
If he is treating you badly and seeing you still stick around it will get worse
You are clearly a very good person, it saddens me that this is what you get in return.
And why did you let him know where you moved to? Perhaps you need to move again, and this time don't let him know where.