Hi, we've been dealing with my MIL over 4 years now and it’s gotten worse since my last posting. Literally I’m brutally exhausted, drained and hopeless at this point. Everyday is a constant battle and never thought there would be NO help whatsoever.. IHSS was denied.. Medí-cal covers after $3000 out of pocket. It’s just hubby and I..we support her in every single way possible. We are the dr, nurse, cna, nutritionist, caregiver, cooker & etc. There is nothing my MIL does now bc since we are living in her home we technically have to do everything for her, literally everything. She still has full function of her ADLs..she refuses to do anything no exercises, no walking no helping herself, for example “ how do you do it? Why can’t you do it? I’m tired I don’t want too!” but she refuses to go constantly to the bathroom that she chooses to wet her depends diaper constantly bc that’s what’s it’s made for.. I change sheets everyday, I bathe her everyday, bc she refuses to go hourly to the bathroom. She waits till she fully filled with urin in her bladder that she can’t control it and just relieves herself in her depends. Sometimes, I honestly think… Does she have dementia?? Bc someone at her stage & age doesn’t act so evil and abusive?!? There’s no sign of her state deteriorating in the last 4 years. Nothing has changed… She still changes, bathroom, eats and walks, ties her shoes on her own and sometimes cooks too. I truly believe she is manipulating us since day one. Like for instance, she blurted out “you are my slave and you will be always my slave and I will act on it till the day I die!” The mornings is always draining, during breakfast she attacks me constantly when I’m cooking.. “I’m starving hurry up, I’m dying bc you ain’t feeding me, how long does it take for someone to make bf” How does someone with dementia act on this everyday & every morning?? Someone who has memory loss or deterioration could not possibly speak like this..after 4years! It doesn’t end there.. now what worries and terrifies me is now she saying I’m abusing and hitting her. I learned over the years to stay quiet and ignore her, which triggers more but it helps me not be so stressful and my mental state. It’s going to far now that I want to throw in the towel and divorce my hubby. I mentioned to him so many times, I can put up with her physical, emotionally & mental abuse but I will not accept her threats of me touching her! Why is she so evil with me, if I do EVERYTHING for her? She keeps showing her brown aging skin spots on her arms to her son and saying “I’m hitting her” or a rash on her skin also, And then admittedly says “you see, I will say anything to put you away, “ I can lie and they will believe me bc I’m old!” When he leaves the room she attacks me more. I literally keep my mouth closed and I don’t talk to her anymore or only when she needs her meds, eating or something important. It has come to that point. My father in law passed away last fall and he was the #1 victim of her abuse and now I am! I’m the next Victim.. Im so brutally exhausted and mentally drained, I feel I have no life left in me.. my body hurts, my legs & knees are numb and I feel I’m getting arthritis or something bc I’m so sore and weak. I have no social or interaction with anyone nor my family. I’m up everyday at 6:30am til 2am cleaning washing, disinfecting the house of her urin and smell. Year ago we stopped asking for help, we stopped calling the ambulance for her constant abuse on us, we gave up bc she knows how to manipulate drs and social workers that’s she’s ok, that it’s us. She’s the victim but only speaks about me not her son. I mentioned so many times to the drs and nurses about her evil ways but they don’t believe us.. she a sweet innocent old lady with dementia. I just had enough.. she thinks bc we living there we have to do everything, she still has full function of everything, she can do it but refuses to help herself. Is it dementia or manipulation?
a woman without an exit strategy is in a cage of her own making.
That is very true. No one other than minors should be financially dependent on another person. When someone is, they are at that person's mercy. It doesn't even have to be a spouse. It can be a boyfriend/girlfriend. It can be an aging parent or relative.
Everyone and most certainly women should always have a few irons in the fire. When you're dependent on another person they can treat you any way they want including stripping you of your dignity and self-respect. It's noth worth it.
Years back I had an acquaintance who was married to a friend of my husband's. She was stay-at-home mom who didn't work with one school age child. They had a pretty decent lifestyle but she would tell me often that she didn't get why I continued to work as a caregiver. She often said that it's hard and gross. She wasn't wrong. It is hard and gross work and I didn't have to do it.
One day we went out to dinner. Her husband was very condescending to her. He criticized the meal she wanted and made comments about her getting fat in front of us. She just sucked it up. What could she do? He was the boss.
A few weeks later I saw her and I'd had a rough day at work. She asked me again why I stayed on the job. I reminded her of the restaurant and told her that I'd rather clean up sh*t than have to eat it.
If you're unable to leave right now, stand up for yourself to your MIL. Don't do anything for her and when she mouths off give it right back to her in spades. If her house is your legal residence as in the address is on your driver's license and you receive mail there, she can't just throw you out if she wants to. She would have to have you served with eviction papers.
It would be a good idea for you to visit the local police and let them know that you live with an abusive, vindictive elder who will very likely try to use them to get you into trouble. Explain this to APS (Adult Protective Services) too. Get out in front of this before she does then you control the narrative. I'm speaking from experience. I was a professional caregiver for 25 years and now have my own homecare. I've dealt with many vindictive elders over the years and this is how you handle it. You protect yourself.
After you've spoken to the police and APS, start ignoring her. If she refuses to use the toilet and wants to urinate in her Depends all day long, let her. Don't you change her though. If she complains about the food and demands you prepare it faster, let her go hungry. If she mouths off to you tell her to go "chase" herself (you can also substitute a certain 4-letter word for 'chase') and walk away.
If she's getting one over on doctors, nurses, and social workers you're not explaining yourself very well and they don't believe you. No one is interested in listening to a disgruntled DIL who thinks her elderly MIL is evil. You go to the police and explain to them plainly, no drama, and no soliciting pity exactly what I've told you.
Then you tell your husband that either the two of you move out together or you will file for divorce. No games, no deals. Either the two of you move out together, or you leave him behind. Then have a consultation with a divorce lawyer. If you are dependent on him to provide for you, a legal separation not divorce may be in your best interests.
Please take some action today. Start with talking to the local police and APS.
Because I am in such a different time zone, I often get posts done around midnight in the USA, which is a good time for drunks who feel that they are being ‘clever’ to get people running. Signs I have found include:
1) It sounds too horrible to be true, so perhaps it isn’t.
2) The spelling and grammar read like decent intelligence and education, but the story doesn’t tally with either.
3) There are inconsistencies in the content. We had a rash awhile ago about people in ‘Australia’ where they didn’t speak the language – I remember the poor guy whose father was on a cattle ‘ranch’, not an expression ever used here. And of course there was ‘all I want is the truck’!
I get quite angry about scammers. We have people in real troubles here, and good people who respond can be used up just to give some jerk a giggle. The jury may still be out on this one, but some of the signs are there.
Nobody is going to believe that age spots or rashes are signs of abuse. Why are you even entertaining the idea?
If you live in your MiL's house, you can't expect anyone to swoop in and take care of MiL without her home having to pay for it. You need your own home.
If you are going to stay there, stop being your MiL's main carer. Go out and get yourself a job, and tell your husband that you cannot be her carer because of the abuse and threats.
In the meantime, you do live in your MiL's house, so you need to respect that. You don't have to put up with abuse and you don't have to be a slave, but you do have to recognise it's your MiL's home.
If you don't want to do anything for your MiL, at all, then don't live in her home. It's that simple.
Don't threaten your husband if you decide you can't live there, don't give him an ultimatum, just tell him your decision and tell him that, as your husband, you would hope he would honour his promise to spend his life with you - not his mum.
Then, act on your wishes and leave.
Once out of her house, you can then try and get the help your MiL needs. It's not going to happen while competent adults are living in her home.
As a single woman, having divorced my abusive ex many years ago, I don't understand why anyone allows their partner to make decisions for them, especially when it's not in their best interests.
Personally, I don't think this decision to live in his mother's home is in her best interests either. While he's there, she'll never get the care she needs.
I’m having trouble with your post which says that your FIL is dead. However your profile indicates that FIL is still alive. As you are a new poster with no track record, these were both written at the same time and don't make much sense. It also says that you have two sons aged 15 and 19, as well as a husband. Where do they all fit in with this ‘slavery’? Why are you all tolerating this behavior?
#1. Discuss with your Husband.
Will this be a joint decision & departure? Or a solo escape?
#2. Start looking for alternative places to live. Locate one.
#3. Research & line up alternative home help for MIL. A needs assessment? Meals on wheels? Meal deliveries? Cleaning service? Taxi card?
#4. Quit. Make it clear what you will do eg Move out.
Make it clear when you will do this eg One month.
Make it clear what home help MIL can try instead eg Have brochures & phone numbers ready. Offer to call these providers with MIL to work towards a smooth transition.
MIL may be angry (most probably will be). Sure. But if she is no longer independant, that's the truth of it. Accepting non-family help is hard - but can be done. Accepting non-family help in her home or in a supported care home of some sort.
It can take much time to feel ready to make big changes. Some people obtain couples councelling to explore how they feel, what they want to change & how to plan their way there.
How does that sound?
Either way, 'Mission creep' happens. Then resentment grows.
This forum is found, a question/vent is posted.
It can take time to SEE they DO have other options. Stop. Change.
As I put it originally, I felt like a hostage on a bus.. until I stood up, pulled the cord & got off the bus.
Whats the FULL story here??
#2 - make a plan
#3 - leave
Let mom wake up one morning in the near future to an empty house. You are the only one who can help you.
You have two choices: leave or stay.
I mean really....why would anyone in their right mind put up with what you're putting up with? It makes absolutely no sense to us looking in from the outside.
You mentioned you've threatened divorce. What does your husband (her son) have to say about that and this situation? Nothing about her treatment of you is okay and if her son were a good husband he wouldn't tolerate this either.
If your husband is not going to protect you from this abuse, then you have to decide for yourself how you want to live.
In the meantime, give this MIL a wake-up call and get out of the house during the day. Tell her to make her own breakfast and take herself to the bathroom and go do something. Head to the library and read or hang out at a coffee shop with your laptop. Stop catering to her and busting your butt for her all day.
Being scared and terrified is something to rise out of with the strength to make a life. Or not.
We are grownups and responsible for our choices and the repercussions thereof.
if it is the former, you are stuck.
if it is the latter , get out today and don’t look back!