How do I make peace with parents' poor choices?
Mom was diagnosed 3 years ago with Normal Pressure Hydrocephalus after falling and lying on the floor for 17 hours.
This summer she's fallen 4 times, and had the "right" at age 78 to leave nursing rehab and go home to Dad. She says she's willing to take the risk of falling again to be home. We are uncomfortable with her choice, and she doesn't want "strangers" helping in her home. Dad is 81, and they are both barely functioning in their dysfunction. I'm just praying I don't have any regrets if something happens that I could have prevented. I have health issues myself, and it takes a lot out of me to help them. My biggest question is: How do I make peace with the poor choices I see my parents making when they are strong willed to stay in their home and function in their dysfunction, and seem happy to do so?
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But it is there life and sometimes there isn't much we can do. Keeping them safe isn't always the same as keeping them happy. It's tough to watch, I know. But if you can't see any way to change their thinking, you may have to wait until something else does.
Meanwhile, don't badger or nag. However, if they know people living in assisted living homes who are happy, encourage friendships in this area. Sometimes peers can help them make decisions more readily than adult children. Good luck,
Carol
He on the other hand seems to think all these surgeries are things that are supposed to 'make him like new' so after a major neck fusion or something he is back to climbing up on the roof to clean out gutters or something.
My dad was a successful business man and retired at 50. They built their home as well as designed every detail of it 37 years ago and he was the developer of the whole development they live in. So he thinks of himself I think sort of as the 'king' around there. Biggest home, biggest yard, and he can't imagine ever moving. It would be admitting failure or mortality. So we have accepted that the probably wants to 'go' being the guy who fell off the roof while clearing out gutters. What I fear is that he won't die - he will be permanently disabled but live much longer. However, they are grown ups and they are free to do what they want to do. There are five of us siblings and I am positive this is going to be a hellish situation when the perverbial "you know what" hits the fan. But that's what they are creating. We will deal with it. Meanwhile, as I approach 60 and my husband, who just turned 61, both realize this will be us in 20 years, have decided to take a lesson from this craziness and just make better choices as we age.
My mother in law is 91 and lives in a nursing home, where the food stinks and people who have already lost it are ranting down the hall or sleeping in their chairs. She didn't really have a plan for home care even though she had the means and she lives in a place where good care choices are limited. I don't want this existence either. Pray about it, and then you just have to let it be. Bless you and good luck.
I go through this same dilemma on a daily basis - I want to keep my mother safe, but she resists with a vengeance.
She's 88, in the advanced stages of CHF, and as a result needs to restrict her salt intake - but she's always eating the saltiest foods she can get her hands on. As a result, her leg edema gets so bad that her skin breaks and they become infected, she then has to have the visiting nurses come in to assist.
She still drives, does her own housework, but she is really slowing down. Her big comment when she goes through a period of needing the help of the visiting nurses is that they're trying to "turn me into an invalid".
She has always been stubborn and willful - when I get frustrated with her, I remind myself, she is who she is, she's not going to change just because she's old.
She wants to live at home as long as possible, yet she refuses the help of others, refuses to modify her diet; she's obsessed with not appearing weak.
She complains about everything, and everybody.
When it all gets to be too much, I just walk away.
My Mom has CHF - lives on her own out in the country - brothers have worse health (one ALZ) no help there. She is 97 - drives her own car and takes care of 6 acre front yard.
She had a few scares (arthritis - couldn't get out of tub - got out after an hour or so, got turned around going to a new location for Dr. etc.)
Dr. said it she shouldn't live alone. Told her she had choice - come live with me (3000 sq ft house, handicapped equipped due to husbands lack of mobility) or
hire in home help (I know she would hate assisted living so not option). Found personal care agency in her area providing everything from transportation to housekeeping to full out assist.
Surprised and very glad she has chosen to come live with me. Making arrangements to have some of her furniture brought out so she will have familiar things.
Main thing - now that it is "her idea" I know she will be happy. I had to wait a long time for her to make up her mind (husband has been after her for years to move in with us).
As long as parents are competent - not much you can do - just try to accept their decision as being what's best for them.
But, having a mother who is hard headed and willful, like yours, you can only do what they will allow. Just be prepared for what is likely to happen. Maybe if you explained to them how deadly falls can be, even for the younger of us, maybe, just maybe, they will think about it. Good luck to you.
I have always tried to do the best I could but it does not mean I didn't wish it could have been better. And less painful.We may need a more compassionate society for the sick and elderly who need caring more than medical miracles.
she
So...I'm making the house as safe as I can - baby gate at the top of the stairs to the lower level for a few days until I know she can navigate them safely, then I'll leave it up at night. Setting the burglar alarm at night so I'll know when/if she wanders outside again in the middle of the night (I live in the lower level of the house). Keeping the alarm on "chirp" mode during the day so I hear if she goes outside to water her flowers. Putting a multi-unit wireless intercom system in every room so I hear her moving about (and can hear if she does fall and calls for me - she has a lifeline pendent but doesn't remember to push it, it does detect falls automatically, supposedly, but didn't detect her last one).
It's the best I can do. Her PT assistant, who is extraordinarily intense and completely lacking in tact, has told me that I'm completely wrong to do this, that she needs to not come home unless I have live-in help to "watch" her 24/7. Not happening, nor do I think she really needs that. He told me everyone would think I was a "terrible daughter" if I left her alone for a half hour to run to the store and she fell. And that her going out to water her flowers was absolutely taboo and he would write it up in her record that he told me not to allow it, so he'd be off the hook. I was dumbfounded...and asked for another PT to work with her who would be more realistic.
I've made my peace with it - we WILL go visit assisted living in the area so she can see them and make her choice - she claims that "the next time" will be her last and then she'll go into a facility. Not holding my breath, frankly, but whatever. I've done the best I can within the parameters she's setting, and I have to let it go.
Good luck - I know how hard it is, I'm not looking forward to going down this road again where she feels she's got nothing else to do, so sleeps all day. And yet, at the rehab center she's active, engaged in activities, eating well - all the things she won't do at home. But the connection hasn't "clicked" for her...that there's nothing to do at home all day versus being active in the rehab facility. I'm hopeful that it will once she comes home. Not optimistic, but hopeful. And I'm getting very good at disengaging when she becomes difficult, and good at just kind of shrugging my shoulders and saying, well, the situation is what it is. Don't like it, but I do it.
I just turned 60 and I'm trying to look at all the possessions my husband and I have and where to cut back by selling, donating or just giving away. We also have 3 nice horses that will probably last until we're about ready to move to a smaller place so no need to buy more, especially young ones!
We have a walkout basement and a lot of people have told us to finish it, but there are just the two of us. We don't need more furniture and we'd rather spend the money doing things.
A few years ago we talked my parents into moving to a much smaller place. We couldn't believe all the crap they'd accumulated. They had so much, they couldn't take care of all of it so it deteriorated and was thrown out rather than shared with someone who could have used it!
The other thing I'm learning is to at least try to do a better job of taking care of myself physically and mentally. My husband is a work in progress!
When my husband started having mobility problems due to his dementia, I moved us to a smaller, one-story house with ADA adaptive items throughout--a complete remodel of a 1960s ranch. This included wider doors, railings, roll-in shower, wooden and tile floors, smoke alarms, french doors leading to a small patio outside our bedroom for easy exit in case of fire. This may be an option for those who can afford it.
Without the total remodel, you can still put in safety features like extra handrails on stairs and in hallways, lots of grab bars in showers and tubs, higher commodes and railings for the toilet. The railings and grab bars come in all ranges of colors and finishes to match the current bath faucets or wooden ones can be painted or stained to look like the rest of the trim. I've had people come visit and remark how beautiful my bathroom and shower is, not realizing it is ADA compliant. One shower can be remodeled to a low or no step-in type. Smoke alarms should be installed and connected to the fire department if possible. The "I've fallen and I can't get up" type of monitors are available from some hospitals and/or fire departments so they are notified. And finally, if they will agree, install a video monitor system (nanny-cam) inside their home that connects to your computer. This will make it easier for you to check on them a couple of times a day.
If money is an issue, start with getting rid of throw rugs and install the bathroom rails($15-40 each) and higher toilet (about $150) and smoke alarms ($15-30 each). These can be done for around $300 total.
The point is, they will end their days in their own way and all you can do is address the safety features of their home. Once you do that, you can ease your mind that they are happy and you should be too. They may fall but you have done what you can. As for me, I'm staying put in my ADA house with assistance as long as I want. But only after the European tour and maybe a Caribbean cruise.
Also, Frustrated2, your mother may have dementia or she may have had a TIA in the frontal lobe (emotion, personality and executive decisions). Often one of the first signs of dementia is a personality change. So if she hasn't always been snippy, she just might have it.
Ellen
Ellen
My parents were famous for saying to me: "You made your bed, now lie in it" and now I wish I had just repeated it back to them. No, I can't make peace with their stupid choices. I can't shake the guilt either. I sure wish I could because my life would be easier. Maybe you could ask my siblings how they shake the guilt because they had no problem turning their backs on the parents. The siblings could care less! Forget about "friends/clergy/colleagues/distant relatives" They all disappear quickly when this chapter opens.
I sometimes wish I had honored their wishes and not pursued the AL apartment and just let them fall or die in their own home. Seriously, if I could have only come to terms with my own guilt and made peace with THEIR poor choices. I felt compelled to help them but looking back I wish I had "butt out" as my mother so nicely put it. The law says people can do what they want, even if it kills them..so why did I feel like I had "to help?" My advice: Let 'um do what they want and let the chips fall where they may. Good Luck.