Admitting parent to long term facility as adult children appear to be burned out?
Has anyone been in a similar situation and had to make this decision due to the welfare of the adult children involved vs. what is ideal for the parent?
It appears the parent whose health care proxy has been invoked due to mild to moderate cognitive issues can via her estate live longer in her home with 24/7 care.
Concerns exist that the adult child who has been living in the home for years is burned out and having some medical challenges of her own. Ideally, this adult child has wanted the mother in a nursing home for quite a while now. I guess she will stay in the home until it is sold if the parent goes into a long-term facility.
Other adult children too are having some medical challenges. Because not all the adult children are on the same page, tension has increased between the adult children during this stressful period.
Anyone in a similar situation and with advice? Did admitting the parent into a skilled facility or memory care make it better for the overall family unit especially adult children with medical challenges of their own.
Did one have to choose looking after their adult siblings over the wishes of the parent who has stated for the longest time she wants to stay in her home? How did this go?
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When the parent is incompetent and unable to care for him/herself then the POA or legal proxy makes the decisions on placement. This is not about the happiness of a parent. This is about what is best for all involved. Aging care is not a happy time. There are no fix-its in this.
FYI there is no "ideal" that works for both caregiver and receiver, there is only "least bad" option.
The health and well being of the caregiver has priority since if the caregiver gets sick or burns out, the parent won't have that caregiver anymore anyway.
This happens in early life and late in life.
Our toddlers WANT to run out in traffic. They NEED to be kept safe.
Our elders WANT to live at home, forever, but if their families are suffering and about to crack from giving care, they NEED to have other arrangements made.
WANT and NEED. Two different things.
if so, the POA usually in such situations can make business / financial decisions for the Elder, taking into account what’s best for the situation .
the adult children are not compelled to provide 24/7 care. They can (and from what you describe should ) say “I just can’t do this any more “.
then the option becomes 24/7 in home help from an agency, a live in paid caregiver , or placement .
My MIL was able to stay in her own home until a week before she passed simply b/c she DEMANDED IT and my SIL was in charge and she pretty much expected that the older brothers (one is my DH) come and help her give mom what she wanted.
Supposedly, she was 4-6 weeks from death and placed in Hospice, but it took her over a year to finally pass. Horrible, horrible year. My DH retired from a job he loved to take 1/3-1/2 of the care schedule. His OB (not in good shape himself!!) did what he could. They were doing FT care, sometimes, just 8 hrs, sometimes 2 days in a row--whatever schedule YS set up, they just followed. The Hospice company they used were worthless and MIL routinely fired any extra CG's that they'd employ.
YS was completely burned out from the CG. She had a broken foot that needed surgery and she couldn't take the time off to deal with it. OB's wife was dxed with FTD and began a quick downhill slide. DH had never been close to his mother and 'babysitting' her was brutal on him.
FINALLY-after almost than a year of this crazy way of living, OB simply told the other two sibs that this was enough and mom was going into a NH. He wasn't POA, my DH was, but he couldn't bring himself to place his mom.
Long story short--OB pushed hard and within 2 weeks of making the decision to place MIL, they had found a lovely ALF.
The day they moved her in to the ALF, OB said "we should have done this years ago".
By the time MIL was moved, she was completely out of it. She was actually in the process of being moved to either the MC unit or a psych lockdown facility as she had grown combative and physical. She lived 8 days in the ALF and died on the 8th day.
The 'kids' are still exhausted and trying to find some balance in their lives--4 months later.
The toll this took on 3 marriages and families will take some time to heal. My DH hated every second of the time he had to spend with his mother. He had hoped for some kind of cathartic deathbed scene and it didn't happen. He is still 'grieving' that, and probably will for a long time.
His mother was abusive to the 2 'boys' their entire lives and was to the bitter end.
Hands on CG for so long took both boys to their knees, mentally and physically.
I find that people generally wait too long to find care for their LO's. We think we can do it all--and some people really can and being home is great for them.
People like my MIL? I agreed with OB. She should have been placed years before she actually was.
YES you are going to have to choose. Run your elderly adult siblings into the ground giving mom what she wants OR placing mom in a care facility.
My brother has POA , serious health issues, my older brother, probably long covid. My sister got burned out 2 years ago, and disappeared. I'm limiting my time because I am putting my mental and physical health first. POA brother refuses to put mom in an AL, but is never around to care for her.
We all have to take care of are selves first, my brother just keeps letting mom live the way she wants, and I was carrying the worry. No one can do that without major consequences
Best of luck, it really sounds like it's time to go against moms wishes. For your family's health
She can no longer stay in her home. Once it takes others to make that possible, its time for an AL or MC.
Thanks so much for your feedback.
For those who are POAs, thanks for sharing with me how hard POA work is.
Get the parents into AL and get your lives back.
Mom hurt her back in January, insist it wasn't a fall. Mom tells my sister not about the back but about a bump on her leg. Me and sister don't talk, thanks to mom setting up ill feelings.
All this I'm able to piece together now that I have a clear head
The “ welfare “ of the adult children matter.
What is “ ideal” for the parent is that she receive care without it killing her children. But the parent will not see it that way. She will think staying in her home is ideal. Staying in the home is not always ideal , it’s a wish .
When an adult child lives with a parent it often ends up worse than they thought it would be . Meanwhile siblings may resent that the caregiver wants to end the plan of keeping Mom at home.
The parent will whine and cry and pit her children against one another in a desperate attempt to get her way to stay home , and may continue to do the same after placed. In a nutshell these situations can destroy sibling relationships no matter which direction they choose .
The bottom line is , when a parent is no longer independent they think they can demand their adult children to do things their way . This is where the trouble starts.
This mother needs to be placed for the health of her children .
How it ends up effecting the siblings relationships ???? It can make it better or not make it better. It just depends on the siblings realizing that the mother should not dictate her children’s lives .
Is there a back up POA who can sign papers ? The current POA could give it up .
I do hope all the siblings can come to realize that if no one is in the position to take this on , that Mom gets placed and that it is no one’s fault . None of the siblings made this woman ill and need care. No one can be forced to take this on . This is why facilities exist.
It would be best if all siblings encouraged the current POA to place Mom and be relieved of living with Mom and that all siblings realize that their health and welfare matter. The current situation is not working and Mom needs to be placed.
I did 95% of the work and kept my parents home until it was too much to handle . I did get push back from siblings regarding placement . No one should promise to keep a parent home indefinitely . My mother pitted her children against one another her whole life. That is just who she was. For the most part we have gone our seperate ways now that parents are gone.
With your concent, I want to keep a copy of this (without any name).
In the Care Train, I am in the Keep it Practical carriage, sib is in the Honour Wishes carriage. But a track decision or correction will be taken soon enough.
I see a full fiery train exploding off a bridge for my DH's side. Already the Let it Be vs Test for Everything players are there. We jest we shall move far away & be out of that battle. I have chosen a location already with all seriousness.
She would still be at home.
You may not need caregivers over night at this point so caregivers possibly a 8 hour shift. 3 Days a week would be a break for the sibling that lives with mom. But 7 days a week would be a game changer particularly if the sibling needs that time to care for themselves.
If that would not work then looking for a facility that would meet moms needs is valid.
You could even try a 1 week or 2 week Respite stay. Most facilities will do that with the hope that when you do chose to place a loved one you will pick the place that provided Respite.
Not sure why the burned out adult child still lives in the home . OP didn’t say .
Perhaps the mother does not want to be alone in the house with strangers .
OP did say that even with the 24/7 help, living there is too much of a toll on the adult child .
The nuttiest (and saddest) of all statements is, "We promised mommy that we'd never let her go to a home." That was before you knew how miserable you'd be providing every last smidgen of care for her. Finding good care for a sick parent in a facility is the best thing you can do for the whole family. Leave it to the professionals, and then move on so everyone can be something approaching happy again.
If there is 24/7 care for Mom at home , why doesn’t the sibling move out and get away from the situation that is taking a toll ?
Is there any agreement or majority opinion among the siblings for the admission? Have you thought about contacting a geriatric care manager in your area. Some are highly skilled at negotiating exactly this kind of problem and helping the family come to a solution.
Here is an example of one in your area:
https://agingnetworkservices.com/our-services#who-consults-with-us?