We divorced he remarried, now divorced. I've told them both I'm afraid that if he sees me he will think that we are still married. They answer with no he wont, and insist I should just get on and visit them both.
I also have a partner to which my ex knew this previous to being diagnosed.
I don't know what to do and it is putting a wedge between us.
My in-laws divorced after 42 years of marriage. Dad was dxed with Chronic Lymphocitic Leukemia months after the divorce. MIL said she'd "be there" for the kids when he got bad. Well, long story short, she wouldn't even go to an event where he might show up. When he died, she was angry that people didn't send her flowers or acknowledge her "widowhood" to which my hubby replied "You're NOT a widow, you're a divorcee". She didn't go to the funeral, viewing, or even send a card of condolence to any of her kids. That's how deep and severe her hatred was. Don't do that to your kids. It's been 12 years and my hubby is still a little mad at his mom. Her biggest worry was that she'd been spoken of at the funeral in an unkind way!! Support your kids. I doubt you're going to see much of your ex in this sick man. Do it for the kids. And for you.
I'm with the caregivers, just go and visit and roll with whatever happens. Take your cues from how to behave from them. Do you feel as though you are in danger, or are you afraid of upsetting him?
After divorce you certainly owe an ex nothing as it pertains to care, but your kids are dealing with a lot. He may not recongnize you at all, or if he becomes confused they will likely not want that to happen again and you will be magnanimously off the hook.
Have you not seen him in the four years you've been divorced? Do you harbor very bad feelings for him? I'm cordial with my ex, but I can hardly stand to be in the same room with the sleazeball who walked out on my daughter and my seven grandchildren. So I think I relate to just plain loathing, if that is the case. But I have been in a room with the sleazeball, because I wanted to be at events like graduation of a grandchild that he would be attending, and I wanted to be supportive of my daughter. When a divorce involves children, we sometimes have to put our own feelings aside. Don't let this cause a wedge between you and your children.
And this might, just possibly, be a chance to put all the animosity in the past, freeing yourself from a burden you've been carrying. Maybe it won't, but you might get lucky.
You owe your ex-husband nothing beyond common civility. Any other concern or assistance you offer him should be entirely a free choice - if you don't feel like it, don't do it. Your children need to take off their rose-tinted spectacles, shut their ears to his manipulative pining after you (as in "sorry, Dad, you should have thought of that before"), and learn what happens when two grown ups, even ones who used to love each other very much, get divorced.
On the other hand, you must not allow his presence to prevent your visits to your children in the ordinary way. Continue to visit. Be civil to your ex-husband if you encounter him. And if there are still problems, then arrange to see your children elsewhere than in their home.
Watsup, can you clarify this?
See All Answers