I'm the adult child of a mother (83) and father (85) who live together in another state. My mom has dementia and is getting worse while my dad has physical problems and cannot get around. For reasons I do not fully understand, my father has decided that inaction is best, and does not want to move forward with getting themselves into an assisted care for he and my mom and memory care for my mom. It's getting to a point now where I feel like I need to force his hand before one or both of them hurt themselves. He doesn't think of it as such, but his inability to provide the necessary care to my mom (and himself) amounts to neglect. Short of calling APS (which would end our relationship) I just don't know what to do. I'm okay with my Dad "toughing it out" on his own if thats his choice, but my mom needs to have her needs looked after in these last number of months or years.
If you can't convince dad to get help and or place mom in a facility that can manage her care the only thing you can do is.....
WAIT
WAIT
You wait for something to happen that will force action.
OR
You bite the bullet and contact APS and ask them to evaluate the situation.
But your parents should have a POA for Health and Finance in case something happens to dad you will be able to take over and get mom help and be able to help dad as much as you can.
Or, you can pursue guardianship for your Mom, then can at least manage her affairs and make decisions for her.
Other than this, you have no power. You can't make your Father do anything unless you are his PoA and he lacks capacity to act in his own best interests.
FYI "stubbornness" is often an early sign of dementia. They begin to lose their abiliilties of reason and logic, and are less able to empathize with others. It is possible your Dad has more than just physical problems. Maybe he is depressed.
You do not tell us why you believe them to be incompetent to make this decision.
Can you elaborate a bit to us why this situation is now dangerous?
Because APS is going to ask you that.
Or don’t and let them drive their bus into a brick wall.
It took me A VERY LONG time to see that but once I did, clarity brought me more calm.
I was not allowed to drive the bus, could not stay an inactive passenger so stepped off the doomed bus.
I wait at the sidelines, ready to call professionals to the scene when needed.
When I scratched the surface of what looked like inactiveness to plan I found looming things just below the surface.
1. Fear. Of change, of the unknown. Fear about how the money would work. Fear of a NH taking their hard worked for house.
2. Comfort. Home is home. No other home could be imagined.
3. Sadness. That age & illness had come into their lives. Of separation. Of guilt for maybe not seeing it out til 'death do us part'.
Rather than a full scale take over, can I suggest opening up the conversation. Letting your Father talk about how he sees it. What he wants. What is really important to him in this phase of his life.
Eg Is it staying home, or COPING WELL at home?
Little by little he may come to see things a little differently.
Knowing this it sounds like there is some real bad decision making here. Your sister and yourself swooping in to intervene may just enable Dad in his being able to ignore the writing on the wall. I would not do that again. The call to EMS was correct and they would need to be advised that Mom is no longer safe at home.
I think what I would first do is HONESTLY level with Dad. This means a trip in which you and Sis go TOGETHER to remind him of this incident, and to tell them that they are living in an unsafe manner. I would tell them (him, really) that this isn't safe for either of them and that they cannot be reliant on yourself, sister, and neighbors. I would tell him that you and Sister will no longer be participating in this unsafe situation and that you will leave him emergency numbers, but that, at the point you believe your helpless mother is endangered by the bad decision making of your father you will have APS make a visit and assessment.
I do doubt, Inter, that this will change anything.
The courts will not take the management of one spouse from another nor the rights of a citizen to make poor decisions from them very readily. That's just a fact.
You can begin to try daily check in calls. You can consider their hiring a bit of help. I honestly don't know what else you can do but suffer not knowing.
EVENTUALLY this is going to get worse. Sorry, but that's the facts. And eventually this will come to a head. Mom will need placement if Dad is in hospital or dead. BE ready. Explore options now. Learn where documents and asset information is now if you are able. I am so glad you have the support of a sister.
Is this a mess? It is! But not everything has a neat and tidy answer and this one certainly does not. As Dr. Laura always says, not everything can be fixed.
People on this site have provide some very logical advice. I know this is difficult. I wish you the best.
Doesn't really help you though. It's got to be tough for you and your sister.
It might be worth pursuing guardianship.
The police asked politely if they could come in and make sure everything was OK. They talked to my mom separate from my dad, asked to see that they had food in the refrigerator, and asked for my phone number and that of my brother to keep on file.
Satisfied that they were doing OK, the police left with no further action, but it served as a real wake-up call for my dad that if someone was concerned enough about them to call for a check, then maybe things were getting away from him. I know that when I'd come up weekly I'd often smell rotting meat in the refrigerator the second I walked in the door, so things were indeed getting away from him in a minor way.
As it happened, he died less than a year later after a very short cancer battle, so he never had to make a decision about placing my mom anywhere, but it was clear the visit from the police got the gears turning in a way I never could have.
The police don't want to take people away or ruin relationships with family -- they want to be sure older people are safe.
Consider calling for a welfare check on your folks or have someone else do it so you can truthfully say you didn't make the call. I think they'd want to call you, the daughter, before APS, so that might get the conversation rolling in a way you haven't been able to get it going before.
Have you thought about contacting some facilities and ask them for feedback on your situation? Maybe they could tell you what others have done in similar situations to yours.
I bet the staff at facilities have heard many stories from family members who have struggled to place their parents.
This is such a sad situation. How long have they been married?
Your dad doesn’t think he has a problem so you’re not going to get any cooperation from him.
I’m sure that your father would pitch a fit if you could talk your mom into leaving him.