I cared for my mother for 8 years until she passed at the end of July. Day and night and now that the funeral has taken place, no one calls, no one shows, no emails or text. Then the family shows wanting to know when everything is going to be sold. Then you continue to get up through the night as you always have but don't need to now.
I want to move but at times you sit and just stare and wonder what's next?
I am social security aged so I just cant jump back into a corporate career.
What have others done?
I really think that people don't know what to say after the first "I'm sorry." They worry that if they say something, it will upset us. So they avoid. Grief is very lonely, I'm finding. Even though I have three wonderful siblings who love me, we are all grieving. Was she in hospice? Even if not, they are a good source of information for grief support groups and counseling. I highly recommend talking to someone to help you through. I started my first counseling session today, and even that one conversation has helped. I mean, it's still going to be really hard for a while. But I'm looking forward to her helping me figure out what's next. I wish you peace in your journey.
It does take time to get out of the "caregiver" mode and into whatever is next, so just be patient, and allow yourself this time to grieve, and rest, as caregiving takes a lot out of us physically, mentally, and spiritually. In time you will find yourself feeling more refreshed and wanting to get out there more and find things to do that you enjoy.
But don't rush it. It's important to sit in whatever the feelings are for this time in our lives and actually feel them. So many people try and hide from their feelings by purposely staying very busy and ignoring them. That is not healthy, and you really won't be able to move forward until you have dealt with your feelings in a healthy manner.
So instead, maybe try taking some small baby steps for now, like maybe getting back into church and or a Bible study. Or maybe meeting a friend for lunch or dinner once a week, just to break your routine. Over time you will figure things out, but for now, just take care of yourself.
Now may "The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face to shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace." Numbers 6:24-26
Now may "The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face to shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn His face toward you and give you peace." Numbers 6:24-26
Thank you!
Ignore the relatives until you're ready to deal with them. It's sad that people don't think to check in on how you're doing, because I think people believe you're doing great now that the burden has been lifted. Unfortunately, it wasn't a burden -- it was Mom -- and you've lost her, your purpose, and your full-time job all at once. People don't understand that.
It takes time to get your head back above water, so give yourself that time. I still haven't done anything about my mom's house and I'm not too concerned about it. My brother is living there right now, so I can't do much until he moves in a couple of months. I've disbursed most of the finances, but other than that, I'm just floating in limbo for a while, and I've decided that's OK.
On another level, I've also experienced the "hands out" experience. The day after Dad died, a noncontributory relative advised what he INTENDED to take. (I stopped that immediately and told him I was changing the locks to the house.)
Another wanted a holiday tree Dad had designed and made.
During the rest of the week, I was advised by neighbors who did help what they wanted (outboard motor, specific lawn chairs, and a set of cupboards about 12' long that my father had designed and built).
Later, another who wasn't even a neighbor told me he wanted to buy the house for the children of his lady friend who he'd been seeing for 5 years. He didn't come right out and say it, but it was clear he expected priority consideration, even offering his lawyer daughter to prepare the closing papers!
Reality set in quickly. I told those with wiggly hands and greedy appetites that nothing could be disposed of at that time since it had ALL been transferred into the Trust, which established priorities. That kept them at bay. But it was a very abrupt awakening on greed.
There are things I've always wanted to do, so I work on planning them and assessing whether they're doable. E.g., for some years I've wanted to create a Victory Garden and grow food for Veterans. Now I've learned the VA already has that kind of program in place.
I used to play piano at rehab homes when my parents or sister were there. I haven't played since my father died, not for lack of interest but just b/c my playing deteriorated so much. So I've started learning all over again; it takes my mind off other issues.
I've also wanted to learn more about woodworking, so I'm locating all the stored magazines on woodworking, including marquetry and intarsia (which really intrigue me), and trying to be realistic about whether or not I should venture into these challenging activities. And seeing some of the designs reminds me how much I miss embroidery and quilting.
One potential craft leads to another, but it helps when the birthdays and holidays come around; that's when the sadness and loneliness are the worst.
And if it's any consolation, I used to, but seem to be past getting sick on family birthdays or deaths.
Try to keep moving even though your brain is stuck in carehiver mode. Its easy to sit and give advice. Im just trying to empathathize.
Sorry for your loss. I believe that when one phase of life ends (one task if you will) then God has another plan for you. Be open to change. Sit yourself down and ask yourself... What do you love? What do you enjoy? Sometime this will be a hard question to answer, as you have been a caregiver and taking care of others needs for so long that you might not even remember what you personally enjoy.
If it is the ocean, then consider a move close to the ocean. Is it the mountains? Then consider a move close to the moutains. You get the idea. With a move, will come lots of new adventures and your next stop in life. We tend to limit ourselves with perconsieved notions about what we can and can't do. Your options really are limitless. Folks will say, "Why, I can't live near the ocean. That would cost a million dollars." However, you might find a modest and affordable little home 15 minutes away from the coast line where you could go and watch a magnificent sunrise every morning.
Your next adventure is all you my friend.
God Bless
When someone passes away, everyone has heard the words,
'If there's anything I can do, or anything you need'.
No one means it. If you're alone maybe join a local bereavement group. Or take up hobbies or past things you enjoyed before you became a caregiver. It might help.
I pray you find someone that has a sincere heart to show you there are still caring, kind people in this world.
You're the one who took care of your brother and mother and now your father without help. Make sure you do take care of business and get things in legal writing. So when your father does pass on, you'll be in a position to slap down every outstretched hand expecting something. As for the bossing you around, if you've taken care of business properly there won't be any of that either.
Clearly you're a better person than both your son and your sister. You should tell them such.
Try reaching out and asking people how they are doing. Be positive and hopefully, you will gain some refreshed relationships that aren't centered on your loved one.
I am sorry for your loss and pray that The Lord leads you forward with much joy in your life.
This is in response to the comment you left for me on the thread.
Please don't patronize me. We all know that people always say if they can do anything or do you need anything when someone dies. That's because people don't know what else to say. They don't mean it literally. Close friends and family are a different story. Even they aren't going to be in grief and mourning with someone for years at a time. People have lives and they get back to them.
I certainly do not need you to pray that I "find someone with a sincere heart" who can show me that "there's still caring, kind people in this world". Thanks, but no thanks. Considering that you don't know me from Adam you would have no idea the kinds of people I've known over the course of my lifetime. Or whether or not they have been kind and caring with sincere hearts.
I live in the real world. You know, reality. The reality is after the funeral lunch has been served and the bar tab runs out, most people go home and get back to their lives.
I don't know if you have unlimited leisure time and can go and sit with a person for hours on end or listen to them on the phone for hours either, because they are sad and grieving. Most people can't do this. It's not because they don't care. They have lives and jobs and families of their own and homes to maintain and bills to pay. This is reality.
Grieving people often join bereavement groups to get attention and understanding they need. I belonged to one for years. Everyone there knew exactly what everyone else was going through. Either they were going through it themselves or they've been through it.
I left them when I no longer needed the group. Some people stay longer. That's what it's for.
Don't expect continued calls or visits or attention from other people. Your mother's death has little impact on them. If you are not ready to sell or part with your mother's belongings, ignore family nosing around. At least put them off until (and if) you choose to sell.
Without the immediate 24/7 demands of caregiving, you can return to yourself. Who are you? What do you love to do? What new things would you like to do now that you have time? I f you loved helping someone who needed you, maybe you could find some volunteer opportunities in your community where your experience and skill would be helpful.
You will always feel a sadness at the loss of your mother, (or any LO), but it does not need to dominate your life.
Take all the time you want settling estate. Do not let anyone pressure you while you are grieving and adjusting to a new life routine.
My mom took a year off after caring for my grandmother for 7 years in her home. After that year, she was prepared to spend a year to get her home ready to be sold - she felt it was too big and expensive for 1 person. The effort paid off and she sold her home in 1 week for more than she listed it for. I helped my mom move out of state to be with me. 6 months after the move, she moved into a condo in a wonderful neighborhood and has been there for several years. I am not saying you should take this exact path, but to take time to decide what you want to do with this next phase of your life.
Sometimes little things present themselves that can help with the grief. Case in point, when my mom died and a cousin was notified, (before her family reunion) she jotted down a few sentences in a Thank you card. A sister, mom cared about, I heard nothing from. Doing some cleaning out, found a photo and graduation program, info, that my mom attended for this same sister. It felt good throwing both out. Ironically, both the photo and the graduation literature were not hard to find, ditto with an old greeting card from the cousin who was notified, in the trash it went.
My brothers and me never got to know this cousin and Aunt, and with the death of mom we never will.
Blessings to you.
After my mom passed, I made myself start to have a goal to do *one* thing each day. Whether is was clean out a cabinet, take a walk, make a phone call, etc. It helped to fill a little of the voids of time I was experiencing. It was funny, I expected to "feel free" to do all kinds of stuff once she passed, but the first few months were stressful in a different kind of way.
There's no rush to jump back into things; it's only been 2 1/2 months since you lost your mom. Take some time to adjust; to the free time, to the quiet, to the new normal you now find yourself in.
As far as people reaching out; I think there's a different expectation of people when you are an adult and you lose a parent or grandparent, as opposed to say a spouse (or God forbid, a child). I think there's an unspoken expectation to "get over it"; that it shouldn't be a big shock or surprise that an elderly parent passes away. It's not done out of cruelty or callousness I don't think; it's just people see elderly parents passing as normal and not much cause for extra support. It might be that people think you're relieved now that your mom has passed and the caregiving burden has passed from you now. If you have a particularly close friend, you might want to reach out to that person and speak about your grief to them; if there's no one that you feel you can talk to, or will understand, then please reach out to a grief support group. If your mom passed away under hospice care, they should have a grief support group to contact.
I am very sorry for the loss of your mom...I hope you can start to find some peace and comfort soon.
There was no funeral because the only living friends she still had were either cross country or out of country, and since mother was 95yo, most of her remaining friends were either same age or older and unable to travel.
Prior to her passing, I received weekly calls, emails from those whose lives she had touched. After she passed, except for the immediate 'sorry for your loss', noone has reached out since. I think it is because everyone else has gotten on with their lives and also, perhaps, contact with me might remind them of their own or immediate family mortality. It is all o.k. with me - they were not part of my everyday life, so they have their own set of issues and problems to deal with.
I did sell my mother's place (I couldn't afford mine and hers), but I packed everything up and placed in storage. And I am now going through the storage, only 1-2 boxes a week making the decision - keep, toss, donate. That way I am not overwhelmed. I am also spending time resting - physically, mentally and spiritually - for I now have the time. Also, taking care of all the medical appointments I 'should' have had. Although her passing has provided me with the freedom of choices I didn't have in the past 10 years, not making any big life changing decisions right now - I would say I am in my 'cogitating/planning stages' right now with an eye to perhaps doing changes in another year or two.
I have, though, started participating in some 'lighter' activities I have always wanted to do but didn't for various reasons - learning to tap dance (something fun), learning to play the guitar (mother didn't allow it), joining a bookclub (where I can start expanding my circle beyond caregiving). Not too many, not overcommitted. Maybe I will continue with these, maybe I will find something else.
Everyone grieves differently - there is no 'right' or 'wrong' way. Some pick up and move on quickly, others need time, a lot of time, to process. Some transition within a few months, others might take a year or two. Only you know what will be right. If you need to talk to someone, please do contact a bereavement/grief group- sometimes it is easier to share with those who do not know you/your family/your history. And for those individuals who were there but are no longer, and you might want them in your life, reach out and let them know you would like to stay in touch. As others have said, many do not know what to say or how to say and do not communicate because of that. Maybe they will want to stay in touch, maybe they won't, but at least you will know.
Of course, with the economy almost everyone wants volunteers so when we have a better handle on covid, think about volunteering at a local hospital, child care center or senior center. Travel - short trips, long trips, places you only looked at on the map? Quite a few travel agencies catering to us more mature and single folks.
Any hobbies or sports that you always wanted to try? With the proliferation of the internet you can take photos and post them everywhere. Have a friend about 70 who started playing with a cheap digital camera 6 years ago. Signed 5 wedding photography contracts this year without even advertising he is so good now.
Wanted to play the piano all your life - perfect time to learn and if you don't have a piano, keyboards are cheap and don't have to be tuned (although when they go........ they are really gone!) In touch with the music them, lots of dance studios out there looking for students (defnitely a good way to meet more people and get in shape at the same time). Ice skating lessons for adults - some rinks have senior classes. Target practice............ great for coordination of hand and eye skills. Trail riding on a well trained horse.
What about working on the family genealogy ( be prepared to be shocked, lol) or writing that short story (could even be about Mom) or a total work of fiction. Whtever you do.... please stay in touch with us on this forum.
The world is open to you and your Mom would be the first to tell you to go out there and enjoy it while you conquer it.
Wishing you peace and new found joy on your journey through life.
I looked long and hard to find $70, 000 a yr going on 2 yrs now for my Dad, usunf individual Caregivers.
Agencies wanted 2 1/2 times the amount as they would charge
$25 -$30 an hr and only pay their employees $9 or $10 an hr.
That means even if you only charged $35,000 a yr, that would be $280,00 in 7 yrs.
So, is the house worth more than that? If not, I would get the family together and tell them that you think for your 7 yrs of Service that you should at least be pd or allowed to continue living in the home as l8nf as you want and during that time, you will pay the Taxes.
Was there a Will or did you and mom talk about something left for your 8 yrs of Service.
Everyone should do the right and fair thing
So now I just wait and see, but I have to keep in mind it hasn't even been 3 months.
Thanks again!