I am struggling with my parent's dementia that is likely caused by alcohol abuse. When sober, he is very sound and reasonable, but has very little short term memory, and when he has been drinking, he is almost not there at all. He is falling for online scams and giving away thousands and thousands of dollars, doesn't eat for days at a time, but when I hire a caregiver, he doesn't drink so he seems completely fine and either he fires them or they quit, because they aren't doing anything/he doesn't have any obvious needs. I guess my question is, has anyone else dealt with this, and will senior living facilities take alcoholics? I know I can't change him or his choices, but feel trapped into caregiving because he literally cannot care for himself sometimes.
Anyone can go into AL if they do it voluntarily and can pay for it, or their active and legitimate PoA transitions them there. Can they be alcoholics in AL? I guess they can if they can get their own booze and stay inside their apartment. My guess is the minute their alcoholic behavior impacts anything else at AL, it will cause the admins to balk at keeping him there. I don't have any personal experience with this but others on this forum do.
Your Dad is shooing away help you have hired for him. What makes you think he will go quietly and stay quietly in AL? You won't be able to force him into it.
You aren't responsible for his happiness or care. You can't have his sobriety for him. He will never be the person you would like him to be. He's had his whole life to deal with his addiction and chose not to, not even for your sake or any other family members. He's made it known what he thinks of you. Believe him. Then walk away and call APS to report him as a vulnerable adult. This is literally the best help you could ever give him. My SFIL became a ward of 3rd party guardian. It was a blessing (he had Parkinsons and dementia, not alcoholism).
If you are personally paying for the aids or any help, please stop. The sooner you stop inserting yourself, the sooner he will get actual help from the county social services. If no one is his PoA then eventually a judge will assign him a 3rd party legal guardian who will help him transition into a facility. Then you can visit him to your heart's content and not have to deal with solving his problems.
May you receive clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you work on healthy boundaries.
Also you say when your dad's not drinking he is fine. If, he is fine then why are you going through caregivers?
There may be a problem if he is obnoxious, mean, nasty, violent or a danger to himself or others when he is drinking. They may give him a warning then ask him to find other housing if he does not respect regulations.
If he WANTS to stop drinking there are meetings he can attend and medications that can help. (you should consider attending AlAnon meetings to help you understand.
One comment about the caregivers. You say YOU hire them. Do YOU pay them or does he pay for the caregiving? If YOU are the one that pays them your dad can not fire them only you can fire them.
And last bit of advice I guess this is.....
You can't change him. You should not be or feel trapped into caregiving. If he does not want to quit drinking you have to wait until he hits a crisis stage then you might be able to do something.
Do you have POA or are you on his medical forms as a person the medical staff can give information to? Are you an emergency contact? If you are not POA or you are not listed as a contact you might want to get that sorted out.
Without POA you really can't do anything to protect him from himself financially.
One other thought when he is drinking you might want to contact APS and have them follow up for "self neglect"
And one other thought If dad is a Veteran contact the VA and talk to a Patient Advocate or a Social Worker they may have programs that can help you help him.
Nursing homes typically don't want alcoholics that are actively drinking. Usually only the worst of the worst nursing homes will get the alcoholics.