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CJM: I see that your mother is in an 'independent living facility' It sounds like she needs more supervision and structure (and safety) now. It could be the isolation that is affecting her more, and she is hallucinating, or the medications she is (or isn't) on that are causing more harm than good. Talk to the facility manager and discuss moving her to a more 'secure' wing.
It is VERY that someone could 'abuse' her if she is unable to defend herself. Without surveillance cameras, one would never know unless you 'lived' right next to her.
Saying that she is being violated (raped) may be a cry for more help, which is what she most likely needs.
There are many 'manifestations' of dementia. Read as much as you can, and you will better prepared to handle each challenge as it comes.
Hallucinations are all a part of the dementia. Normal for them so go along. This will relieve the anxiety. My Mom had many, many delusions. She was a prude all my life, but in her dementia she emptied the fridge in the middle of the night for her wild parties. We chased many a burgler out of the home in the middle of the night with clubs. It must have been a sight to see. Then both of us laughed and went back to bed. She had a 28 yr. old boyfriend for months. I had to make breakfast for him before he went to work. She was on no medicine. It's just a stage of the disease. Keep repeating, "This too shall pass." I hope this helps.
Hi CJM~I do think your Mom who is independent living-perhaps needs to be re-evaluated for her own safety-as she may be best off in an Alz Unit. Her hallusinations can be possibly controled thru medication. As for being violated - this could possibly be just another of her hallusinations. If possible, try to get involved in a support group, and see if this is any value in accessing your particular situation with your Mom. I would also speak with her neurologist for another opinion. Best to you and your family on this journey~ Hap
Stealing items is very common. As for the rape, you must realize these people live in the past alot of times. Maybe your mother was raped when she was younger. In those days they hid such a thing. Find someone who can work with her about this. It's called validating. Being an Ombusdman I see similar things often. Don't be quick to medicate, seek other help first. Validating takes sometimes hours or even days but if she truely has been raped in the past it is well worth it.
Castoff: I COMPLETELY agree with you on the 'power of suggestion' We had to carefully monitor all of Mom's television watching, even the NEWs! I would carefully screen her 'shows' and every so often even "Little house on the Prairie" would upset her! She would talk incessantly about her 'mother' (after watching this show, and how she died, and all the bad things that happened on the prairie! *(My mother was a city girl).
The FOOD channel was a GREAT choice. (Mom was very thin and didn't like to eat too much) Whenever we watched cooking shows it seemed to improve Mom's appetite. That along with a bread machine going every day!! And a chicken or whatever else they were cooking in the oven seemed to help too!
Craft shows were also a hit and anything MUSICAL!! Thank GOD for DVD's and Lawrence Welk!! Mom would have a good night when we watched anything fun and musical! (We tried to do that alot!)
When our loved ones have dementia we think that they no longer 'understand' what they are watching, and that they won't remember what they saw anyway..... NOT TRUE. It seems 'negative images' or 'disturbing images' seem to stick with them even under the most innocent of circumstances!
At the nursing home, one day they had on animal planet, Big cat diaries!! MY GOODNESS... and it was right before dinner!! I said to the nurse that this was a very disturbing thing to watch before dinner and her response was: "they like to watch animals, see how they are rivetted to the set?" My response: "NO... they look like deer caught in headlights!!" And I got up and changed the channel! Geesh!
We tend to ignore just how powerful the mind is, yet even with diminished capacity, there are center areas of the brain that seem to 'hang on'. And that 'fight or flight' response is deeply rooted!
My advise: Listen to music (classical is good, or ragtime), avoid the news, watch humorous programs, avoid dramas, and if they are not eating well watch the FOOD CHANNEL!! Oh.. and bake some bread and bring it to them, or make it for them at home!
Never, ever say that it isn't so. It's real to them and it needs to be real to you too. You are increasing the anxiety and stress by not believing and disagreeing. Go along. They don't remember from one minute to the next. Tell them you're going to call the police and make out a report to get the thief arrested and then hide their bananas and leave returning with them like you got them at the store. This delusion will probably be replaced and another one started. Relax, have fun with it and get them to laugh too. Tell her you saw a monkey down the hall eating one of her bananas, he escaped from the zoo and was starving. She saved his life. Get the picture?
SUNNY: I completely agree with you. Live in THEIR world, and fix what you can as creatlvely as you can, while keeping a sense of humor. It is difficult to convince others that 'therapeutic lies' are necessary. My siblings didn't want to play along. They thought I was making matters WORSE, and that I was just flat out LYING to Mom! I never looked at it that way, I was just keeping the PEACE!
Even when they would call, they would tell Mom they would "see her soon". They thought this would give Mom "something to look forward to".... BUT... what they really did was get her all excited about them coming to visit that somtimes she would not SLEEP, or EAT.. and was constantly asked ME: "When are they going to be here?"
SO... to stop that I asked my brother to NOT say things like that. His reasoning was that he wanted Mom to know that he would visit as soon as he could. SO... I explained it to him in this way: I said: T... I am going to tell your grand-daughter that YOU are taking her to Disney World 'some day soon'. His response: DON"T YOU DARE... she will be asking me every ten minutes WHEN are we going PopPop? AHHHH... the shoe is ever so tight on the other foot!
I think he FINALLY understood why I didn't want him to say certain things to Mom. I know Mom isn't a child, but her pure and innocent needs were very childlike. How I miss her questions!
So BE creative, be inventive and eliminate any fears and doubts they have about a world around them that is always changing in ways they cannot understand.
All of the above are great insight. It sound like she is in a good facility and they look out for her but it may be that she is at the point where her dementia has the upper hand.
My mom is IL and in her 90's and the signs are there that she needs to move to a different level of care. If you can, keep a journal of her "incidents" as this will be good to have for your opinion & insight to share with her MD and social workers, etc. when she get assessed.
Just like your mom, mine is "robbed" on a regular basis. IL is used to this and seem to take it as a part of her aging process as she is "competent and cognizant" for day to day activity: she can get dressed, make breakfast, go on shopping trips, etc. As long as she takes her medication, she seems really OK. She evaluates really well and can be quite lucid and sharp so she gets cleared for IL. But it is really good acting - she tends towards the dramatic martyr personality type. If you chatted with her for a couple of minutes, all is well but if you go beyond that it is paranoia, "people wanting to assume her identity", "people using her apt as an office", "people putting clothes in her drawers" (all clothes that she used to wear when she was a size 8, she's a 4 now), "people trying to poison her" .
Her next evaluation is in Dec and I'm documenting the above plus her "robberies", "animal appearances", etc. as I think she needs to move to another level.
The rape is kinda a different issue because I'm sure that has her very, very anxious but it has legal aspects too. Did her IL file an incident report on it as rape is a felony. If she reported it to them, what did they do? If it was that she just told you and family, then it's different.
Chances are if she claims rape once, then it will happen again and again. You need to know how they evaluate this. My mom filed 2 police reports on her "robberies" - remember this is IL so in theory they are free to do as they like - and this will show up on the facilities safety/security log. Local police came to her apt, had to do a report as she had called them. She got a letter as did all the other residents from management on "security issues" & we got a letter detailing all the security they have in place. She doesn't remember either police visit.
I will say that I think her IL wants to keep them there as long as this is more profitable as it is 100% private pay and AL and SNF is medicaid (state has a diversionary program for AL). So unless they are doing stuff that's really wacky they stay in IL.
Like 3rd coast said the dementia is based on their fears and true experiences. All this old, old stuff that has been repressed starts surfacing. I find that keeping a journal on what she says so helpful as you can start to see patterns and can be somewhat ready for the event.
I know with my mom, she will filter current events to something that is going to rob or poison her. Right now there has been a shutdown in Texas on a produce facility -it is probably the main news story (I live in another state). I can safely predict that in the next few days she will tell me that someone is trying to poison her, that something was wrong with the salad at lunch and they forced her to eat it.
Also check to see what she is watching on TV. The power of suggestion gets stronger with the elderly....that's why it's so easy for criminals to prey on them. My mother "had a period" at the age of 87 & most recently (after watching dr oz on TV) "almost bled to death" from her rectum....A colonoscopy followed to reveal nothing more than a waste of time, but you must jump through the hoops on the off chance that the concern is real. It's crazy but HAS TO be investigated.
I agree with all of the above statements. But I would like to add that it might not hurt to actually have her check out to make sure that she is not being raped. To be on the safe side.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
It is VERY that someone could 'abuse' her if she is unable to defend herself. Without surveillance cameras, one would never know unless you 'lived' right next to her.
Saying that she is being violated (raped) may be a cry for more help, which is what she most likely needs.
There are many 'manifestations' of dementia. Read as much as you can, and you will better prepared to handle each challenge as it comes.
If possible, try to get involved in a support group, and see if this is any value in accessing your particular situation with your Mom. I would also speak with her neurologist for another opinion.
Best to you and your family on this journey~
Hap
The FOOD channel was a GREAT choice. (Mom was very thin and didn't like to eat too much) Whenever we watched cooking shows it seemed to improve Mom's appetite. That along with a bread machine going every day!! And a chicken or whatever else they were cooking in the oven seemed to help too!
Craft shows were also a hit and anything MUSICAL!! Thank GOD for DVD's and Lawrence Welk!! Mom would have a good night when we watched anything fun and musical! (We tried to do that alot!)
When our loved ones have dementia we think that they no longer 'understand' what they are watching, and that they won't remember what they saw anyway..... NOT TRUE. It seems 'negative images' or 'disturbing images' seem to stick with them even under the most innocent of circumstances!
At the nursing home, one day they had on animal planet, Big cat diaries!! MY GOODNESS... and it was right before dinner!! I said to the nurse that this was a very disturbing thing to watch before dinner and her response was: "they like to watch animals, see how they are rivetted to the set?" My response: "NO... they look like deer caught in headlights!!" And I got up and changed the channel! Geesh!
We tend to ignore just how powerful the mind is, yet even with diminished capacity, there are center areas of the brain that seem to 'hang on'. And that 'fight or flight' response is deeply rooted!
My advise: Listen to music (classical is good, or ragtime), avoid the news, watch humorous programs, avoid dramas, and if they are not eating well watch the FOOD CHANNEL!! Oh.. and bake some bread and bring it to them, or make it for them at home!
God bless!
Even when they would call, they would tell Mom they would "see her soon". They thought this would give Mom "something to look forward to".... BUT... what they really did was get her all excited about them coming to visit that somtimes she would not SLEEP, or EAT.. and was constantly asked ME: "When are they going to be here?"
SO... to stop that I asked my brother to NOT say things like that. His reasoning was that he wanted Mom to know that he would visit as soon as he could. SO... I explained it to him in this way: I said: T... I am going to tell your grand-daughter that YOU are taking her to Disney World 'some day soon'. His response: DON"T YOU DARE... she will be asking me every ten minutes WHEN are we going PopPop? AHHHH... the shoe is ever so tight on the other foot!
I think he FINALLY understood why I didn't want him to say certain things to Mom. I know Mom isn't a child, but her pure and innocent needs were very childlike. How I miss her questions!
So BE creative, be inventive and eliminate any fears and doubts they have about a world around them that is always changing in ways they cannot understand.
My mom is IL and in her 90's and the signs are there that she needs to move to a different level of care. If you can, keep a journal of her "incidents" as this will be good to have for your opinion & insight to share with her MD and social workers, etc. when she get assessed.
Just like your mom, mine is "robbed" on a regular basis. IL is used to this and seem to take it as a part of her aging process as she is "competent and cognizant" for day to day activity: she can get dressed, make breakfast, go on shopping trips, etc. As long as she takes her medication, she seems really OK. She evaluates really well and can be quite lucid and sharp so she gets cleared for IL. But it is really good acting - she tends towards the dramatic martyr personality type. If you chatted with her for a couple of minutes, all is well but if you go beyond that it is paranoia, "people wanting to assume her identity",
"people using her apt as an office", "people putting clothes in
her drawers" (all clothes that she used to wear when she was a size 8, she's a 4 now), "people trying to poison her" .
Her next evaluation is in Dec and I'm documenting the above plus her "robberies", "animal appearances", etc. as I think she needs to move to another level.
The rape is kinda a different issue because I'm sure that has her very, very anxious but it has legal aspects too. Did her IL file an incident report on it as rape is a felony. If she reported it to them, what did they do? If it was that she just told you and family, then it's different.
Chances are if she claims rape once, then it will happen again and again. You need to know how they evaluate this. My mom
filed 2 police reports on her "robberies" - remember this is IL
so in theory they are free to do as they like - and this will show
up on the facilities safety/security log. Local police came to her apt, had to do a report as she had called them. She got a letter as did all the other residents from management on "security issues" & we got a letter detailing all the security they have in place. She doesn't remember either police visit.
I will say that I think her IL wants to keep them there as long as this is more profitable as it is 100% private pay and AL and SNF is medicaid (state has a diversionary program for AL). So unless they are doing stuff that's really wacky they stay in IL.
Like 3rd coast said the dementia is based on their fears and
true experiences. All this old, old stuff that has been repressed starts surfacing. I find that keeping a journal on what she says
so helpful as you can start to see patterns and can be somewhat ready for the event.
I know with my mom, she will filter current events to something that is going to rob or poison her. Right now there has been a shutdown in Texas on a produce facility -it is probably the main news story (I live in another state). I can safely predict that in the next few days she will tell me that someone is trying to poison her, that something was wrong with the salad at lunch and they forced her to eat it.
Good luck and try to enjoy the weekend!
My mother "had a period" at the age of 87 & most recently (after watching dr oz on TV) "almost bled to death" from her rectum....A colonoscopy followed to reveal nothing more than a waste of time, but you must jump through the hoops on the off chance that the concern is real.
It's crazy but HAS TO be investigated.
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