Our family has a hugely valuable shared asset that is up for sale, and my very elderly mom, who is indeed decisional, has been raising up some ideas about buying the asset herself. My mom has been through some serious and scary financial and tax issues in the past, and I was usually the one who got very disturbed by these things and would very dramatically advise her against her choices. We've had decades of peace, but when mom raised the issue of buying this HUGE asset, I got back to my preachy, warning self, "Mom, no, don't do that!" I know that our relationship is more important than losing this asset, and I also want to honor my mom, so I apologized to her, and explained that I am being in part selfish, since I always counted on the value of that asset to help me in my own elderly years, and that she may need that money, too. But I also, honestly, don't want her to commit to some over-the-top financial responsibility that she, in her 90s, may not be able to handle. How can I disengage from my own drama about this issue, let mom make her own decisions, and also speak up graciously when I feel the need?
As I read it, OP's mother wants to buy out the other family members' shares of the asset and own it herself. Like many nonagenarians about whom we complain about on this forum, OP's mother may be delusional and/or stubborn. She has a track record of making bad financial decisions and past behavior predicts future behavior.
OP's concern is that her 90-year old mother won't be able to manage the asset and all could be lost. That is a very real and valid concern. It's a concern I had when my FIL was squandering his retirement money like a drunken sailor on shore leave.
Anytime there is a chance to prevent an old person from making a horrible mistake the consequences of which would result in a much worse quality of life, do it. Intervene. Be bossy.
I wasn’t trying to be flippant . Just trying to alleviate some of OP’s distress and explain that there will be help for the mother in other ways other than from OP using her own money , should this go bad .
OP may not have control over what happens if the mother ignores advice . It’s just a fact that elderly do end up on Medicaid or become ward of the state when they are resistant to help from family . Also if elderly have POA in place could avoid some situations as well . Some elderly leave the family no tools to help them .
I don't think you are being bossy. I think you are being triggered by the stress and trauma of whatever she did decades ago. Your mother is risking her financial wellbeing - what happens if she needs that money that she wants to tie up in this asset?
Just because she can make decisions doesn't mean she should. Clearly and calmly state all of the reasons her buying this asset is a bad idea and make it clear that you will neither help her purchase the asset nor rescue her again if things go bad. She will have to live with the consequences of having squandered that money and it won't be available to her if she needs it.
I think your concern is mostly for her but as for you counting on the asset, that's not something you should be doing.
For me, it's hard to follow your comments because first you said, "Our family has a hugely valuable shared asset that is up for sale".....so for more clarity, how many family members own this shared asset? And how do they feel about your mother wanting to buy the asset in total?
You said that, "you always counted on the value of that asset to help you in your own elderly years"...but wouldn't you be making money on the "asset" regardless of if a stranger or your mother bought it - since you own a portion?
And you said, "You know that your relationship is more important than losing this asset"....but the "asset" was up for sale, so, in essence, it wouldn't be owned by you anymore anyway. So is it that you think she'll mismanage this "asset" and then you won't inherit her portion later? I'm a bit confused!
When you have this clear in your own mind, talk it through with your mother. Sure, let her look at the ‘good’ with everything going swimmingly. But make sure she looks at the ‘bad’, including your own potential lack of willingness to be the life saver. Put it to her (even put the two scenarios in writing for her to think about after the first conversation), and later talk it through again.
That was you can respect her independence and ‘rights’ to make her own decision, but make more sure that she isn’t fixated only on a possible ‘good’ (even ‘perfect’) outcome.
And since you said it yourself that you are " being in part selfish," since you yourself had "always counted on the value of that asset to help" you in your "elderly years," so to me this issue sounds more about you than your mom.
So to answer your question on if you're being too bossy with your moms financial decision, I would say yes.
It's her money and as long as she is of sound mind she can do what she wants with it.
If your mother ends up with nothing afterwards . That’s on her. You don’t have to support her. She will have to deal with the consequences . Worse comes to worse she goes on Medicaid or becomes a ward of the state .
Don’t use your share of your money from the sale of this asset on your mom.
Just as car salesmen sell cars to people who probably should not be driving .
They aren’t going to offend an elder and give up commission at the same time .
Or they think it’s not their place to advise an elder on such things.
My father’s bank talked him into rolling over short term CD’s into 5 year CD’s for a higher interest rate . We had to convince him to reverse it , he had to pay a penalty . He could not tie up his money for 5 years at close to 90 years old . He had cancer and Mom had dementia . We knew that money would need to be liquid .
Your 90 year old mother needs to understand that she is old. In fact she's what geriatricians call the "oldest old" which starts at age 85. It's not insulting; it's a fact of life. It takes a lot more than being sharp as a tack to manage an asset. I speak from experience when I say that it takes a lot of time both day-to-day hands-on and when things come up unexpectedly. If your mother is so independent that she can handle all of the responsibilities of purchasing and managing this expensive-sounding asset then she should be able to explain to you how she won't need your help.
You never know what is going to happen and mom may have to use all her assets, she may lose them, she may write you out of any Will or Trust. Save for yourself and any extra that may come along is a bonus. Don't count on anything that is not in your possession.
You can make your concerns known but after that step back. Your mom is decisional so she makes the choices she makes. You can let her know that if things go south she can NOT
Come live with you
Count on you for financial support (unless you can afford to support her while you are funding your own retirement, your elderly years)
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