My parents have lived independently in a retirement community for the last 12 years. As of March, 2024, they transitioned into personal care which means they no longer have the responsibilities of shopping, meal prep, laundry, cleaning, etc… It has been quite the adjustment. My father, who has always been somewhat difficult and explosive has had some run ins with other residents. My dad has dementia but has always had the behaviors my mom claims are due to dementia; forgetfulness, confusion, agitation, etc… These are not new behaviors. My mom has some physical limitations but mentally, she is still fairly sharp. They have and have always had a contentious relationship. Very unhealthy communication and have not shielded me from any of their toxic behaviors. They are both only children and not much family to speak of. My brother recently moved out of state approximately 2 years ago. I am the only family to visit my parents regularly. They live about 35 minutes from me. I stayed home to raise my own children for 21 years. Now my children are grown and I returned to teaching the same year my brother moved out of state.
I feel the weight of the responsibility of being the only family my parents have to check in on them, accompany them to doctors appointments or hospital stays, intervene when issues arise with my dad, and make sure they have somewhere to go for holidays.
My mom has gotten more nasty with me in the last three years. She wants to vent about my dad’s behavior and the toll it takes on her. I respond emotionally but not violently or aggressively. She claims that she needs to be able to talk to me but that I can’t react. I have to remain calm and relaxed because she is too fragile for my emotions. I told her I am not a robot and if that’s what she needs, I can’t be the one she talks to. I also told her she can’t vent to me about my dad because it’s not healthy for me. I spent many years growing up hearing how unbearable my dad’s behavior was and I didn’t know this was unhealthy for me to have to listen to. I’ve since learned how to have healthy boundaries and I refuse to be my mom’s support group or emotional dumping ground. That’s my dad and she’s my mom and I’d never do that to my own children. My mom tells me how she can’t talk to me but can talk to my brother. I think she says it to hurt me. My brother has not visited them since March and he has not contact with his own children. He and his wife (second wife who has no children of her own) are apparently too busy to visit. Meanwhile I have two adult children that I see regularly, a husband who travels internationally for work, a full time teaching job but it’s up to me to visit and intervene when needed. I feel like there is so much expected of me and I’m resenting how my brother (our relationship is strained and we don’t really communicate because I’ve reached out but it’s never reciprocated) has zero responsibility. When I point this out, my parents defend him and talk about how busy he and his wife are. He is an associate pastor and she does payroll for a hospital. We all have the same 24 hours and we all prioritize what we really care about.
My mom just hung up on me again tonight when I called to let them know about what I’m doing to better equip myself as their power of attorney. She got mad because once again, she wanted to tell me about my dad’s latest problem with another resident and the toll it has taken on her. I became upset ( no yelling but the volume of my voice did increase and my tone became more emotional). She told me she is too fragile for me to respond or react and she just needs to talk about it. I told her I am not a robot and I won’t yell or be disrespectful but I’m upset about what happened to my dad; he was not the instigator in this situation. She said she can talk to my brother but not me and I responded with it’s easy to not react when you don’t have to do anything about it because he does NOTHING other than listen.
Am I wrong???
You have a smart brother. He doesn't allow them to rope him into their drama.
As for residents not liking each other or getting into fights and arguments, this type of thing happens all the time in these facilities. Of course these places are not going to broadcast it, and if it is a good facility, they will handle it according to their protocol and procedures.
You mother is using you for a sounding board and a garbage dump. When she starts in on you, tell her to stop. Let her know you will no longer listen to her nonsense, and if her husband was so bad, she would have left him years ago.
The key to this is to stop being so available to them.
Focus on your life and your own family. People get old and many are miserable with their life's choices. In this case, it's their marriage.
Your parent’s patterns with each other are long established, and they’ve chosen to stay together. They like their toxic stew. Stay far out of it, don’t listen to another word about their relationship mess. They’re in a great environment, with help available for their increasing needs, many here are instantly jealous. Leave them to it. You don’t have to be so available. Do less, listen to less. See if their place provides transportation services. Take calls when it’s convenient for you. You will be called if there’s a true emergency. Practice self care, no one will guard your health and wellbeing for you if you don’t. I wish you peace
Mom has lots of options. She can divorce or legally separate assets. She can move out. She can arrange for aides or adult day care. But what she can’t do is make you listen to her refusal to do anything and her consequent misery.
As far as your brother, everyone has a choice on how much caregiving the will do. Your brother made his choice. I don't blame you, you are probably inside a bit jealous that he chose his caregiving path and you chose yours.
It's not fair that your mom is putting all her emotional stress on to you, and trying to turn you into her emotional support, if that's not where you want to be there is nothing wrong or selfish in that, it's cald Self-Care, NOT Selfishness
You put up your boundaries and your moms trying to manipulate you to break those boundaries, don't let her. Put your boundaries up , stick to them , and practice self-care
Let go of your anger towards your brother, it only hurts you, and practice self-care.
Best of luck
When my mom was ill, my brother rarely visited, if at all. When he did show up, you thought the gates of heaven opened. When I needed a break from visiting, my dad would let me have it.
FF to today, my cousins were always on me to visit aunt, stay with aunt. Do this, do that. I asked them had they been asking my brother to visit? No, they had not.
No, you are not being selfish. You deserve your own life and your time. Agree with others and that's to stop making yourself so available. You come first, as it should be.
My mother could not stand my father and wanted to use me as a sounding board for all of her angst, too. She'd say I was "never on her side" because she expected me to excoriate my father and I'd have none of it. These women just won't understand how inappropriate it is to put US in the middle of THEIR marital problems.
Step back from the mess like I did, or you'll wind up being the Bad Guy even more than usual.
Good luck to you.
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