First off, I apologise for the long post; this is my first time on the forum, and I'm still new to being a caregiver. Second, a little context to the situation- I'm thirty-five, and recently spent five years in the UK, got engaged, finished university, was working semi-professionally as an actress, and then had to return to the US because my visas hadn't lined up properly and the university I was going to attend canceled the course I was going to take. I returned to my hometown to help my mum find a new place to live because the mobile home park she was living in sold the home she was living in out from under her. I was able to find a place for both of us, and have been working at the local bargain store ever since. I'm trying to get back into university so I can finally get my masters, go back to the UK, get married, work on the West End, and start the theatre company I always wanted to start.
I've never been a caregiver before, and I'm trying *so hard* to make sure my mum is happy and has everything she needs, but she's not happy. She repeatedly tells me that she'd be happier dead, and that I can leave whenever I want to (I can't, I don't have the money, can't go back to the UK unless I'm going to school or I'm a 'Skilled worker', and I'm trying to get back into university in Canada, which is the only way I can see ever leaving my mum or the country and getting back to my fiancé) and that she doesn't need me anymore. But she's got glaucoma in one eye that's supposed to have surgery whenever I can get her back on her Medicare Part B- because she somehow managed to cancel it last June- and the other eye is a lost cause, so to speak. She has Lupus SLE, just like I do, but hers is less severe than mine, and... and she has some memory issues, asks me the same questions constantly, is up at all hours of the night, sleeps nearly all day, and...
And then when I try to talk to her about how I'm feeling and that I feel trapped, and like I'm never going to escape this town that I tried so hard to escape for so long, she tells me that I 'don't have any reason to feel guilty or be frustrated or angry' regarding the situation I'm in, and then I get told I'm 'being dramatic' because I'm an actress, and that I should just accept the job as the drama coach at my old high school, when I don't *want* to teach, and I hate teaching.
I feel *so guilty* telling her that I want my own life back, that I want to go home- because the UK that felt more like home than the US ever did- and marry my fiancé. She tells me I have no right to feel guilty, and maybe she's right.
Like, for example, I have four days off work, and I feel guilty that I don't want to do anything other than rest and catch up on sleep. And Mum said when I told her I had four days off that, "Maybe we could go somewhere and get out of town."
And I just thought, 'I spend *all* my time with you when I'm not at work; I *hardly ever* leave the apartment. I have *zero* friends in this town, I don't do anything except hide in my room when I'm not working, or I spend time with you. I never get a break from caring for you. Maybe I want to go and do something by myself for a day or two. Is that so much to ask?' But I never said it. I just shrugged and said that I'd probably end up sleeping the majority of the four days.
But I feel guilty for not agreeing to going away with her and staying home, I feel guilty for wanting to go back to university and wanting to go back to the UK, and even wanting to marry my fiancé. Maybe my mum is right, and I need to keep my mouth shut and stop feeling so frustrated and angry and guilty and just... accept it and get used to living in this horrible town. My therapist says that I'm justified in how I feel, but... but what if I'm really not? What if I'm not allowed to feel guilty and I'm in the wrong? Is this normal, or am I in the wrong for feeling so guilty?
I'm so sorry for the long post, and I'm so sorry for asking.
You don't need to apologize for your need to write and explain things. We've all been there.
My therapist and others tell me that emotions aren't right or wrong, there are just there. I would encourage you to believe your therapist. There is a deeper issue in you that causes all these negative emotions. Do you know who you really are? Are you dependent on what your mother says or thinks?
You do need good boundaries for yourself. But how do you do that?
I'm not sure if your mother is causing the guilt by hearing her say 'you don't need to feel guilty' and then on the other hand just get a job and stay here. It seems like you need to accept the difficult situation in and take little steps at a time as you are able to do. It isn't easy but you can do it!
I also wonder what your fiancee' says about all of this situation? Is he a help and support for you? I assume you don't have a father around or any other siblings in the picture?
How about talking with an Aging & Disability center and see how they might help? There is other help out there in terms of support groups.
Remember: YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Caring for you, JulieLE
I had to reclaim my space two years ago. I feel much better for caring for me as well as them. My mother has dementia and my sister has Alzheimers. I do what I can. I can't be everything to everyone that I love. I realized that the time and space that I take to cate for myself is more beneficial to me, than any damage I might do to them in my absence. It's working The caregiver must take care of the caregiver.
Continue to seek support where your voice will be heard and understood.
There are a myriad of issues you express here - way too much for what this Forum can or does 'handle' although you will get some supportive responses.
Guilt is a trigger for many other deep seated needs / feelings to sort out.
You need to learn how to develop feelings of self-worth, self-respect, self-care. I question if you are ready to be married as you do not seem to have a solid foundation of 'your self.' But that's another area for you to explore.
There is no right or wrong (as you ask).
There is what there is ... what you feel.
And, saying you are sorry for asking tells me that you will benefit greatly from therapy. In that 'why are you saying you are sorry ? when you wrote us seeking support?
The is too much here for this forum (from my experience and point of view).
You need some / would benefit from specific support and guidance from a professional therapist. I wish you the best.
And, find a social worker or MD to manage your mother's needs. She is likely too much for you to deal with. You first need to manage your own life, not take on another's - you are not able to do this now - you are in overwhelm - and flying all over the place mentally and emotionally.
Take care of yourself.
Gena / Touch Matters
To be clear, when enrolling in Medicaid, you will list your mom as a 1-person household. This will keep your income from being counted against her. You are roommates who equally share expenses, so you are each a 1-person household (this does not work for married couples, or for people who have joint accounts, or share expenses unequally-like if the higher income person decides to cover more of the expenses). The normal roommate situation is a business agreement with no personal entanglements, like joint accounts, covering expenses when needed, etc.
Btw, why didn't you and your fiancé marry? You don't need to have a big, expensive wedding. Registry office and a pub get together for close friends and family might not be the dream, but it can be fun.
A long distance relationship is difficult to manage, especially when you are depressed, which it sounds like you are. Look for other ways in which you can be together and do it.
Your mum will need more specialist care than you can provide. Look for more specific advice for your mum's situation and try to get her sorted. But know that this might not be possible for you to do. Nevertheless, you mustn't throw your own life away just because of your mum.
Also, your engagement may or may not work out. I hope it does. But, in the worst case scenario, make sure you look after yourself and do what's best for your life.
I have American friends here in the UK who think of this as their home. They once thought about going back to the U.S., but now this is home.
It was hard when the husband's mum was dying, and then his siblings. He felt guilt, but he knew that they'd all made their own life choices and that his responsibility was to his family, including the children who were born and raised here.
You need to strike out and make your own life choices, create your own support network, and make your own family (whether that's through a partner, children, or close friends). I wish you success in doing this where, and with who, you want.
I hadn't noticed the OP's screen name is BelfastGirl. So, I'm assuming they are Irish. So is my mother and let me tell you, no one does Guilt (and I capitalize in this reference) like an Irish mother. Only a Jewish mother can match it.
Your feelings are valid. And your Wants are valid. Go back to university. Go back to the UK. Get married. Or don't. Stop sharing all of this with your mother. She can't help. It only frustrates her to think she may be a burden to you.
What exactly are you doing for her as a caregiver? Or are you two just living together out of convenience and sharing cost of living, and you do things to help her out sometimes? If she needs personal cares, have her apply for medicaid and get home care for her. You are young and have yourself to take care of. Focus on your goals and making them happen. Staying in this situation and becoming your mother's full time caregiver - while both of you are unhappy - could go on for many, many years! You will have given up a whole lifetime. It is not something to feel guilty about. You want the best for your mother, you can ensure she gets good care, but YOU do not have to provide those cares. If your mother can not afford to pay for her own housing, she may qualify for a care home when you are ready to leave and pursue your own dreams.
Oh, and help get your mother's medicare enrollment sorted out. It's SO confusing, it's no wonder she inadvertently cancelled something she needed.
And if she qualifies for Medicaid, see of she can get a social worker, or care coordinator assigned to her. This would be someone who meets with her quarterly in her home and can help create and maintain her care plan.
Only you know what kind of mum you had growing up. At a minimum, I think you should help to set her up with some kind of care before you leave. I agree with one of the people here who said that Canada does not really make much sense. The man in the U.K. that you love may not wait for you to wrap up things in the US and Canada. Your mother saying those comments is a cry for attention. She wants you to care for her. Only you can decide if you will regret not helping her when you could have. I agree that not living in the same house, but near her, could help you regain some YOU TIME as well as time to visit and help mum.
Running away from life when it gets hard is not good. Not living a good life for yourself is also not good. The balance of both is probably the right answer.
An example may have been lots of sleep on the 4 days off, but 1/2 of a day to go out somewhere with Mom and to try to enjoy her company. Today is my Mom’s birthday, but I lost her years ago. I can’t tell you how much I miss her and would give anything for one more day to go somewhere with her. We had plenty of arguments, but she was such a loving and caring Mom. I was sooooo blessed to have her as MY MOM.
Best of luck to you. 🙏🍀❤️
Good parents who have love and respect for their children don't expect them to take care of them at all. Any parent who expects their adult child to become a slave to their old age neediness may love their children, but they have no respect for them or their lives. Their own selfishness overshadows any love they may have or had for their child.
Love is respect, my friend. When there is no respect there can never be any real love. This goes for parents and kids, siblings, spouses, friends, - everyone.
Ps. You have my sympathy on it having been your mom's birthday. Holidays and birthdays are hard when your LO's have passed. I hope you found some way to remember your mother on her birthday that didn't bring you sadness.
then you’ll both be happy😘🙏
mother had decades and now broken down at 80, can’t walk, still trying to rule with an iron fist from a SNF hospital bed. I had to choose, my husband or her. I chose the man I married, went no contact. No other way with a tyrant like her.
I got divorced from a man who loved me (we're back together). I vacated a beautiful home that I loved, packed it all in and headed west. I had a lot of good times and knew a lot of good people, but it wasn't sustainable for me. So I came back. My mother needed some help and I bought into the whole Dorothy and Sofia fantasy and thought it would be like the 'Golden Girls'. It was not.
You may not be able to get back to the UK and open a theater company. I know how it works in the UK and western Europe. They won't allow someone like you to stay. Someone with plans to marry and I'm sure would work any job there even if it wasn't in theater. So I get it if you feel a little resentful too. I certainly would.
Get away from your mother though. That is step one. Take the job at the school teaching theater. It's going to pay more than working at the thrift or bargain store you're in now. Then you will be able to afford to have your own place. Believe me, living ten minutes away from her will be as much benefit to your mental health as living across an ocean from her. Then your fiance can come and visit. The two of you can make some real plans to be together without your mother listening in and trying to sabotage you at every turn. Of course she wants to maintain the status quo because it works for HER. She doesn't care if it works for YOU.
Take the job at the school. You don't have to stay there forever, but it will put you in a better position financially. When you have money the world is a very different place than when you don't. Good luck.
By the way the 'I'd be happier dead' and 'you can leave any time you want' is manipulative, gaslighting and your mother knows. She knows you're stuck where you are so she can say things like this for attention. Don't pay her any.
Guilt here isn't appropriate.
Guilt requires causation out of evil intent and plan.
Guilt means you not only caused someone pain out of evil intent but you refused to fix things.
As you understand now this isn't about guilt.
It is about the other G-work which is grief.
You are grieving that there are no answers to the pain visited upon you now, that you are suffering and that all your suffering isn't healing any of the problems.
Words matter. I assume this "therapist" isn't doing "cognitive therapy" but rather "talk therapy" in which she/he listens and listens without directing you out of self-harming thinking that is repetitive. It's a good way to collect 100s of dollar a week, but a poor way to get help in healing.
You have a right to a life. Throwing your own life on a burning funeral pyre is a CHOICE. No one will thank you for it, and it will help no one. Do consider switching to a better therapist.
This does not directly answer your question, but these two strategies have helped me cope the past 5 years:
1. Remember that serving your parents is a blessing. It’s tough as heck at times, but all in all, it’s the biggest honor any of us can do here on earth.
2. Sometimes WE are the only things that will put a smile on their faces or joy in their hearts. If you do that daily, that’s the biggest thing we can do for them.
I had a lot of resentment for a while initially - was exhausted, no me time at all, wasn’t equipped to change adult diapers, wanted to run away at times. At one time I had over 30 alarms on my phone set each day as reminders of everything I had to do for my parent. It was over the top exhausting.
But focusing on the above helped me regroup… our social lives will always be here, but our parents will not.
You can line her up with help in her area, get her Medicare sorted out, and set a date for yourself to leave. Maybe by January? You and your mom should go back to individual responsibility for your own lives. If she is truly incapable (as judged by a doctor) of living alone then she needs either in-home assistance, a care hike, or Medicaid and a SNF. You don’t mention how old she is but if you are 35 she’s likely 60-70 and could therefore live another 25 years or more.
THIS
What you've done is what you never should have done in the first place. You thought it was the right thing to do. We're supposed to sacrifice for others, remember? Unfortunately, what we're supposed to do as decreed by others takes us away from who we really are. At thirty-five, I'm sure you realize that you've fought the long battle to get where you are in life. You have a fiance', goals, educational needs, etc. etc. You gave it all up for mom. And she'd still rather be dead than here.
Mom will never be happy. And you're not responsible for making her so. We see variations on your post all the time on this site. Others have learned what you have, only sometimes it takes them a lot longer and they can never get back on their own track. Discuss this with your therapist. Make it clear that you are determined to get your own life back. Figure out a schedule for that; in six months, this happens, in a year, that happens, and stick to it. It's clear that Mom is headed for assisted living and eventually memory care. Looks like you're going to have to make that happen or turn it over to someone else who can make it happen.
A call to Adult Protective Services might be a way to start the ball rolling. You don't have to discuss your long-term plan with mom. With her cognitive issues, she wouldn't understand anyway. Go out and get involved in community theater. Let mom cry, but don't ever let her abuse you. Get her into adult day care if possible. Spend time with friends once a week. Get your fiance' to visit soon.
In other words, move on in any way you can, and good luck to you.