Am I right about my brother's actions?

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Am I right about my brother's actions?

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My father, who is in his 70's and frail, moved to be near my brother so he could see his grandkids and be taken care of by my brother and his family who are very well off in money and time. My father then asked me to move to be near them. I did about 3 months ago at significant expense. When I arrived, my brother asked if I would assume the finances for a partcular service provider for my father that my brother has been paying. I said at the time I would look into it and if I could afford it I would. I looked into to the service provider but it was too much a stretch for me financialy. I told my brother, who apparently has no trouble paying it himself, that I would get back to him on it in a few months.

I have been visiting my father every other day and typically bring him takeout food and do chores around his place. Recently my brother says cheerfully "Hey, I went to (service provider) and they would like to sit down with you, explain everything and sign the contract this week." I was kind of stunned. I already contacted the service provider and I know all about it, the cost and my brother knows that I did this already. It feels to me like he's trying to control me into signing a contract for the services for his benefit (so he no longer has to pay), not for my father's. I don't like my brother's tactics. He should've just asked me if it's now something I can do. He told me this at a family event and I told him that I would get back to him. Now I feel like telling him off. Am I right about my brother?

Family Caregiver Paying for Care Siblings

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I may be confused here. but this appears to be the same question you have asked in at least 2 other questions? With the same answers?

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It is the same question Pam .

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Yes. Tell him you can not afford it. Be honest and don’t allow that type of bullying behavior

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Thank you. It's not bullying behavor. Bullying involves threat of force, physical andor emotional. In this case I feel it to be a form of control and the implication that I am not responsible or mature enough to make plans for my father. There is also an implied threat that if I don't sign I willhave less contact with the fa,mily. This is good thing for me though. If my dad doesn't stick up for me all the better.

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Is the situation that you moved down there and now brother is telling you that you have to pay for dads aides? (I can’t imagine what “service provider” means except aides). Is the situation that you don’t want to be indebted to this particular agency? Of course don’t sign anything that would guarantee payment.

Or might it be that brother simply wants your input into what exactly the care contact entails? That’d be including you, right?

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Without going into detail, my brother simply wants me to pay for one of my father's expenses. As I noted below, he probably just wants to unload one of his bills on me as I am also the son of my father and I should contribute. I do but right now, like buying food and doing chores, but I don't have the budget to pay for relatively expensive services that my brother has been paying.

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How about don't assume the worst of your brother? Have an actual conversation with him prior to the meeting, and clear up who is going to pay what. Maybe he's simply letting you know he's signing a contract, not that you're expected to be paying for it. Maybe you can pay part, and he can pay part. HAVE A CONVERSATION.

Honestly, if this is how you two communicate -- with you asking perfect strangers whether you're "right" about your brother -- then the two of you are going to have a very unhappy few years taking care of Dad. Someone needs to be captain of this ship, and since your brother's been doing it for a long time already, I suggest you follow his lead.

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I'm not assuning the worst about my brother. It's just that as an adult I don't know him that well. After school he left and spent years working far away. I assumed that he was going to pay for at least some of my father's expenses because before my father moved my father told me so and that was a determining factor for him to move.

My brother wants me to sign a contract and pay the entire amount! As I noted below unknown to me he told me he made tenative plans with the service provider for me to actually go to the office and sign a contract. He wanted me to agree to go right then and there!

My brother wants control, not only of how my father will be taken care of; he wants control on what my duties will be and what I will contribute financially. That's clear.

The reason I asked perfect strangers is that right now friends that I could ask are going through personal, health and family issues far worse and it wouldn't be right for me to bring up my problems, which are trival to what they are dealing with. Plus this IS the forum to get the right kind of advice of this partcular matter.

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I don't think you OR your brother should be paying for care services for dad, personally. Dad is responsible for his own expenses and should use his own money to pay for his care. Your brother was very presumptuous and wrong, imo, to handle things with the service provider the way he did. He put you on the spot and now you're in an awkward position, I imagine. If possible, don't tell him off, but explain how you don't appreciate his tactics and can't afford dad's care contract, which you would have told him IF he had given you the chance. Take the high road but be firm and stand your ground. Then put your heads together to come up with a plan to figure out the best way to get dad the care he needs. Maybe you need to apply for Medicaid on his behalf if he has no funds.

Good luck!

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Thank you. Without going into details the service provider is something my brother or me need to pay for. As I indicated it's a main reason why my father moved to be near my brother. Early on my father said that I should feel no guilt about not being able to pay it and I have no obligation to do so.

But thank you again for confirming what I felt - that my brother should have come to me first before telling the service provider that he would get me (or try to get me) to come to the office to sign a contract.

Last but not least, thank you for recommending the high road. I would love to cooperate for the best of my father and for my family but this incident, and some others, tell me that our values as adults are vastly different.

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I get it Lisa, but you’ve made it clear that you don’t have money. Now if he is requesting ur input nonetheless, that’s another thing

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I didn't make it clear that I don't have any money. I originally told my brother that this partcular service provider is outside of my current budget. It would be out of most people's budgets, too. Anyway, the question is not about money or not it's about my brother setting up a tentative meeting for me without my prior consent.

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If brother paid for it or if dad did, would you be worried.?

if the answe is no, then tell brother you have no objection but just can’t pay for it.

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My brother has been paying it for years and can afford it. That's a main reason my father moved to be near him! I'm not worried. It appears though that even though their family has a lot of money that they also have a lot of expenses. It appears my brother wants to unload a bill and at the same we would be sharing costs for my father's care. It's certainly fair to share responsibilities but right now I can not afford to pay this service provider. That's not the issue though. It's the way he went about it - driving 20 minutes to talk with the service provider about me assuming a contract and setting up a tenatative meeting with me next week without my knowledge upfront. I also want to preempt any other kind of similar behavior he may engage in.

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Am I right about my brother's actions?

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