I have been a caregiver off and on for a while. I just seem to go from 1 client to the next. If it's not the family that cause conflict it's a difficult client and I'm the type that does not put up with disrespect so I'm really quick to quit. I get tired of the disrespect.
I totally agree with you about going out on your own. In my neighborhood, there is a street sign on every corner. I have also had private individuals ask me to actually move into their homes to provide care for their loved one's.
Another previous neighbor, before my own mother took sick, asked if I wanted a free room and access to a car, if I would drive them around.
Most people want to remain at home, myself included. But, it's not always possible. I care for my mother for free, I work from home. Last week I re-visited the place my grandmother lived at for 20+ years. She loved it. I have mentioned in the past on this forum that my dad died "before" his mother. Dad was an only child. I was "Nana"s POA. I cared for her with the help of a facility.
Fast forward 25+ years later, today the place has gone down hill. I was so disappointed. I always like to have a "Plan B". Every place is crying for help. I am going to be scrambling if mother has to go to a facility.
I see all my Mom’s caregivers as angels 😇 and I treat them as such. I have been extremely lucky with all her caregivers being wonderful and I let them know each and every time they are here! I couldn’t do this without them!
My hope for you is that you will find people that truly appreciate the very very difficult work you do each day! 😍
It's a job and that's how I alway treated caregiving work. You do your job to the best of your ability.
I never expected a client or their family to be enamoured with me. What I have always expected and demanded is basic respect. When a client would be disrespectful, ornery, or difficult they would be ignored. If the behavior did not improve, they would be dropped from my service. I've had to put many unruly care clients in their place over the years, and when I put someone in their place they tend to stay there.
This is a skill learned over a long career. Sometimes you have to give a little right back to them to establish mutual respect.
I've had clients who liked to instigate fights by trying to bring up such topics as politics, religion, or some other hot button issue to use as an excuse to lash out at me and be nasty. They were always told the second that started up that I do not discuss these topics.
Nip it in the bud straight away.
As a hired caregiver you are on a job. Don't forget that. Never allow a client relationship to get so close that they feel comfortable lashing out at you or being disrespectful towards you.
It is above our paygrade to deal with abuse from clients even when the cause of it is dementia.
If you have clients with dementia who so completely lack self-awarness and will treat you abusively, they are beyond the services of homecare and either belong in a care facility or looked after by family.
If such is the case with yoru clients, tell your agency that they are beyond what one homecare provider can give them.
* This is, in part, due to:
- Clients / elders / family members feel angry and confused.
- The person is / has lost their independence, and they are afraid and frustrated.
- They take out their feelings on the closest person to them, be in a caregiver or family caregiver.
- Family members, if you are not one, often do not know how to deal with dementia and equally frustrated and overwhelmed.
- My client treated me (over 2-3 years) like a servant / a 'hired hand' - was not a pleasant experience. She was angry, frustrated, depressed - and took it out on me. After these moments, she would 99% of the time when I left thank me for what I did for her during the day.
As challenging as it is, try to not take it personally.
And that is hard. I know, I tried for many years.
Take breaks - from a few minutes to a few hours - to whatever you need and can do.
Do NOT take abusive talk.
If the person can understand you (or even if they cannot), tell them "it is not okay to talk to me like that ..." and say, as appropriate for the situation, 'if you talk to me like that again, I will leave" and then leave (for however long).
Finally, realize when the brain changes, brain cells die, know that the person inside (as you know that person) is no longer 'there' 'here'. They are doing the best they can with the brain power / cells they have.
It is a time to develop compassion.
And do not forget the (one saying I know (?) think I know: 'but for the grace of God go I" - meaning it / their behavior could be YOUR behavior down the road. How would you like a person to respond to you if this was you 'being disrespected.' Developing compassion helps a lot to shift you taking words / behavior personally. And, it is a practice and a process.
Gena / Touch Matters
You put up with that kind of behavior for 2 or 3 years? I would not tolerate that from a client for five minutes and I was a caregiver for 25 years.
Being treated like a servant or the 'help' was never a problem for me a long as it was respectful. I never thought it was appropriate to be overly friendly with needy and elderly clients.
Caregivers get taken advantage of when they get too friendly with clients.
(copy and paste)
https://www.forbes.com/sites/jenniferpalumbo/2023/01/26/how-women-can-navigate-constant-career-changes/?sh=4b44a32274a8
Do a search: "women seeking new career."
Certainly, not everyone is cut out for this type of work - it takes a very special soul and I have deep respect for caregivers (having worked with many and continue to, and do this work myself = work with elders from offering organizational management to functioning elders to those in memory care talking gibberish. Working in this field has made me a better person - and, it certainly isn't for everyone.
It's even harder if you are "unpaid" and taken for granted in a family.
I always said that caregivers in the public sector should earn triple their earnings per hour. It is back breaking work. The CNA's are underpaid, overworked and all of the facilities/agencies are short staffed.
The top CEO's get ridiculous salaries while you are in the trenches on a daily basis performing the "hands-on" work.
The country pays athletes too much money for what they do. CNA's need to unionized belong to a Union that provides collective bargaining--medical, paid time off, uniform allowance, gas mileage, etc.
If all of the CNA's unite and insist on a fair wage, you have clout. That's what happened to the waitresses at a popular breakfast business chain. The waitresses never spoke up and the years went by and they worked for the same low wage without any increment.
You are in demand, you are needed. Most women are working today so the free caregiving that my mother and aunts provided no longer exist. There is a demand for you but not enough supply--play that card. You can name your price if you decided to go out on your own!
Nursing homes, memory cares, rehabs, etc... are practically begging people to go work for them as CNA's. Many even offer paid training.
CNA's have finally wised up and realized they can make the same low-wages without benefits working for one client at a time in their homes rather than being responsible for ten and twelve clients on a shift in a care facility.
Some years back I worked in an AL facility. As a supervisor. I would never take on CNA caregiving in a care facility. The wages and lack of benefits was never worth my time.
I am a doer, when MIL complains (which is frequent) I offer up suggestions. She hates that and just wants someone to listen (and listen some more). I just can't handle it. As a long time recruiter, not every job is meant to be. Perhaps you should find another line of work? Or get some training that is directly related?
I wish you all the best.
I'm a doer myself. I have never had patience to listen to a person complain simply because they want someone to listen to them complain. Often times complaining is entertainment and a kind of sport to the elderly. That is why it's important for seniors to be around other seniors. So they can complain to each other. Almost like a form of competitive complaining.
Being the sounding board for that is not me and every client I've ever had over the last 25 years knew it early on. The clients who use my agency do too.
Legitimate complaint is one thing. If there's an actual problem that needs to be addressed or the client needs help, I will always get right on it.
If someone just wants to lash-out and complain for the sake of complaining, I am not their person.
OR are you dealing with someone old, impaired, demented, ill and in pain, depressed?
And dealing with a family that is desperate, confused, disagreeing with one another?
I spent my life as an RN. There was no walking away from the difficult patients, the difficult families.
Instead I learned to LISTEN TO THEM, to learn from them. And they gave me gifts of gratefulness, of standing witness to courage, of feeling of REAL USE in this world that I will never forget.
You may not be cut out for caregiving. OR you may have an epiphany that will turn what now seems so difficult to a joy and a vocation. I am 81. I miss it still. I wish the very best for you.
It's different when you're a nurse in a clinical setting. CNA's who work in homecare are often at a client's house for hours at a time. We get treated differently from clients and their families than a nurse would get treated.
While I 'loved' my work as an Elder Care provider, I have to say there were a lot of days when I cried the whole way home--for one reason or another.
My clients sometimes treated me as 'less than' and these were, without question, the wealthiest people I knew. They were used to having 'people' do for them, and would often ask me to do things that were well beyond my job description. It stung, sometimes to be treated like a piece of furniture--but it was wonderful when I was appreciated and I knew it.
It's still CG, just at a different level.With family you always have the drama--with paid CG I could quit, which always gave me the 'upper hand', if that makes sense.
My final client punched me in the face and gave me a black eye within an hour or arriving at her home. Her DH tried to grope me every single time I passed by him.
I finished the shift and stopped by the home office on the way home and quit. No $9 an hour job is worth being punched and groped.
I think maybe you've done all the CG you have left in you and it's time for a change of pace.
I did a lot of other things, but never returned to paid CG. I took care of my FIL at his EOL, then took care of my dad at HIS EOL and then took care of DH after his liver transplant. Then took care of mom until her passing a year ago. Now DH's mom is in Hospice, but I have been spared ANY kind of CG for her. She won't even accept a bowl of homemade soup from me.
I'm still exhausted from all those years of CG. My DH is not in great health and I already know I will have some years of CG ahead of me.
If you cannot find xome joy in CG, time to do something that does bring some positive into your life.
I always carried pepper spray. I have shoved clients away from me. I have even hit back a few times.
There's no way on earth I was ever going to take an injury because of a violent client. Accidents happen and God knows I've gotten hurt on the job, but not because a client got violent.
I don't care how old someone is or what their diagnoses may be. No one assaults me because I will defend myself.
Maybe Caregiving is not the job for you. Years ago our unemployment office used to give tests to see what type of work the person would be suited to. Maybe your Social Service office can help with something like that or point u in the right direction. See if your local Community College has something like that.
I personally appreciate Aides and what they do. Maybe because I had to do it for my Mom and found I would never have done Caring as a job. My DD is an RN and she does her job with humor. My Dad was a loveable Curmugeon. Because of that, she knows how to handle those type of patients.
Older people, especially those with dementia are very prone to be belligerent, argumentative, suspicious and downright hostile. It’s part of the disease…always has been and always will be.
Not everyone with dementia is hostile, but I’d guess the majority are. Throw in the fact they can’t express themselves normally due to dementia and they can be delusional and even have hallucinations. A caregivers role is to try to rise above and make the patient comfortable, safe, dose proper meds, see that they get nutrition, keep them clean and offer a bit of companionship. That’s never easy when someone is yelling at you, belittling you. You can’t argue with a dementia patient, you can’t reason with them or use logic…their brain just doesn’t work that way anymore.
So, if you cannot rise to the occasion, please find another profession. Not everyone is cut out for caregiving. As someone said already here, you are lucky that you can move on if you decide to do that. Lots of caregivers do not have that choice when they are related to the patient.
A caregiver does not have to take any abuse. I never did. Maintaining a high level of patience is different then tolerating abuse. My homecare clients (even the ones with dementia who were still able to reside at home) knew pretty quick how far they could go with me which is not very far.
I never really had much of a problem with abusive clients verbally or physically.
My mother was a different story. I grew up in a dysfunctional home where there was a lot of bullying and verbal abuse.
Then I grew up. My mother understands that me helping her is contingent on her behavior.
If she gets ornery, or tries to instigate, or lashes out she knows full well that she will be doing without and will be ignored. I told her aide to respond to her this way.
This lesson was well taught by me and well learned by her when one day she started up complaining about the meal I cooked her. It actually was a dish she very much liked.
So, I picked up her plate and threw it in the garbage. Problem solved. She stopped complaining about the meals.
When you establish yourself as a person who does not tolerate nonsense or abuse, people tend to not give you much of either.
Find a different line of work like a lot of us here wish we could.
There most certainly is an option to quit when you are being disrespected in a marriage.
The option is called a divorce.
" caregiving" by referrals? Or are you employed as a certified caregiver by agency?
" caregiving" can be defined in a lot of different ways and carry a host of different responsibilities.
Confer with your employer if you work thru an agency. If you are simply " caregiving" on your own with out any certifying credentials, I suggest that you seek some. If you do have some type of certification, seek input from your certificate agency. There could be many many many reasons why you are experiencing the dynamics that you express. One must always begin with looking within oneself first and within ones professional group for answers. And , perhaps , one sometimes has to recognize that maybe the job is simply not right for you. What training have you had with working with families and patient dynamics? You note that you recognize that you have a limited tolerance level; what is contributing to this? Are there personal issues in your own life contributing to this? Seek counseling and self care for yourself first and further assess what profession is or is not right for you.
I would say try to find some humor in it. It will help you so much.
I have a couple of friends who have been nurses for many years. Some of the stories they have told me have been absolutely hilarious 🤣!
The topics of conversation that come up in operating rooms are often hysterical.
It’s a good thing that patients are under anesthesia and don’t hear the nurses and doctors joking around. 😝
People who are able to look at life with a sense of humor have a healthier attitude.
I still watch reruns of Mash because of the dark humor in that show. Humor allows us to cope in many difficult moments.
Now, the caregiver has to be caring and competent, obviously, to be treated well by decent people. What I have seen is when caregiver goes above and beyond without expectation of extra compensation that's when they receive extra compensation.
My favorite client had me 'tipped out' each month during my time with her. Her family made sure I was making $15 an hour instead of the $9 that all other CG's made. And they NEVER gave raises. They also recognized my birthday and Christmas with large bonuses.
This gave the agency fits, but it was done in a legal and appropriate way.
I never felt this valued in any other company I worked with.
Our family - in particular my SIL who lived with FIL- did the job unpaid for a few years - and we would bring in agency caregivers for respite. Additionally - we would have home health in frequently as well. And then there were the frequent rehab stays before the final move to the nursing home this year.
As family - we have always been so grateful to the paid caregivers, CNAs, Nurses, PT, OT, home health - anyone who was providing care or respite - sometimes to a fault (as in we probably got in the way or asked too many questions).
But my FIL, on the other hand - runs hot and cold - and both of those are bad.
Cold - is the typical - nasty, looking down on caregivers, treating them badly, yelling at them, expecting them to read his mind and know what he needs without him asking. If one is there long enough and he let's his guard down, he will start to talk badly about them to other people, and do what he did to my SIL - snapping his fingers and whistling for their attention. (which has earned him what we call the "lecture" in more than one facility in the past about not being the only person they have to take care of and that he has to learn to wait his turn)
(not that this matters at all- because basic courtesy and manners should apply to anyone - but my FIL is a dyed in the wool narcissist and thinks he is the only person anyone has to think about ever)
Hot - I don't know if it's any better. This is what we call the "dirty old man". We've had CNAs in particular just laugh it off when we have apologized, and tell us they are used to it. A lot of them are the same age (or even younger) than his granddaughters. But its the flirting, the leering, the "hey baby/babe", "are you married? why not? you should be - why are you working when a beautiful woman like you could be married?" This type of behavior is bad enough when it is a server in a restaurant but when this poor CNA is having to change your underwear or give you a sponge bath - that's just too close for comfort to be hearing those things. They are also often wrapped in thinly veiled racial comments, or comments about tattoos, or asking them whether they live with their boyfriends. In other words, way too personal.
All too often people - either the clients or their families - treat caregivers as either invisible or as if they can say or do whatever in front of them and it's just ok. They can treat them however and it's just ok.
My personal opinion - we don't pay people taking care of other people - doing the actual 'dirty work' enough as it is - they should be treated like gold!
The OP describes the position of being an underappreciated and condescended-to paid caregiver. There also are many family members doing this work "for free." I wonder if the best way to help all caregivers, paid or unpaid, relative or not, is to assign dollar value to this care within statutes.
I felt more appreciated by family in the second year of the pandemic when discussion of the ongoing need for chronic- and/or memory-care for both parents was 1/4 theory and 3/4 reality, but by the third and now fourth year, where need is even greater, there is no perception that an outside caregiver in this situation working 24/7/365 would cost how much money? Potentially six figures.
By establishing monetary value, unpaid caregivers should be able to get some kind of credit for the work they perform caring for a community member(s), and an acknowledgement of the actual market-value of the work for those of us who do receive some compensation.
Most are not even paying for their own care, Medicaid is paying. I've worked with people who get free everything including housing. One lady thinks I should be doing this work for free.
For me, I've developed a mentality that I go in and do a job. If a client is uncooperative, complaining and not wanting care, I say okay, and go sit down. I let them have their feelings, do what I'm allowed to do in their home being respectful.
I've had some that try to treat me like a glorified maid instead of someone with college and over thirty years of working in an office setting. How many brain cells does it take to clean a toilet?
I'm thinking about job training in another area, but I've put so much time and energy into this field over the last eight years. This is a post retirement job for now, but I feel that I can do better once I hit my full retirement age, but I'm willing to train in another field. The money sucks in this field. Sometimes a low paying job adds to the stress of not being able to make ends meet. I think this is what is happening to a lot of us in the field.
You’re a smart and caring woman, Scampi. You deserve to be treated with respect.
Sadly, often times it goes both ways. There are people who take advantage of the elderly. Scammers don’t see them as someone who deserves to die with dignity.
In general, I find that people who weren’t kind when they were young are still mean when they grow old and people who have loving hearts remain sweet as can be.
If you’re dreading waking up in the morning and leaving for work, it’s time to quit and start thinking of alternative options.
Best wishes to you.
The people that I should have helped didn't qualify for Medicaid and couldn't get an aide. It seems like the only ones who are getting the help are the ones who don't need it.
Here are some of the thoughts..
No one can take care of X like I do.
No one will be able to handle X when s/he gets upset, I'm the only one that can get them to calm down.
I don't want strangers in my home.
I don't trust someone to be in my house if I'm not there.
When you come in how do you act and or react?
Are you respectful of the work that the caregiver has been doing?
Do you ask how they want things done or do you do things the way you find easier, or are used to doing?
Do you explain what you do, why you do things one way??
Do you set boundaries?
Do you respect boundaries set by your employer?
Rather than quitting when there is a problem do you ask to sit and talk for a few minutes to explain how you are feeling?
(I do not know how you feel that you have been disrespected so I can't give an example of a "solution")
If I ever disrespected or upset a caregiver I would want to know about it and if it was a misunderstanding it can be worked out.