Am I wrong for wanting to tell my mother how much her physical and mental abuse impacted my life before she passes?

My daughters father, my ex, was a selfish, abusive, narcissistic person also and she suffered into her adulthood with it. He went on hospice at 64 and she had not seen him for years but had so much anger inside. She went to counseling before his death and was encouraged to write her letter which was 12 pages long. But not to mail it but to get it out of her system so she could begin to heal. This was such a blessing and made such a difference. She was not going to change who he was with any words because he knew who he was and died lonely without his only child being with him. The pain never goes away but it no longer controls you. Don’t expect you would get any satisfaction out of telling her who she is because she is already in denial and has been. Move on and enjoy your life because it is a gift and you don’t want to ruin it with hate because she is still controlling you then. You deserve more than that. Focus on your healing. We cannot pick our parents but I can tell you my daughter is a wonderful mother because she knows what kind of parent she does not want to be.

Like others have said, write the letter for you. But then bury the letter with her. My greatest healing came when I realized that I didn't need my parents to acknowledge their abuse in raising me. I worked through it and healed and I was so happy that I did. My husband and I took my mother with alzheimer's in for her last 7 years. If I hadn't worked through my issues with her it would have never worked. I thought that I needed her to admit her part to heal, but found that my healing had nothing to do with her. I pray that you find freedom.

First of all, you are not horrible. You are a survivor of abuse. You have a right and a need to heal from that. Although my mother was not horribly physically abusive, she was psychologically abusive when I was growing up. I have been taking care of her for a couple years now. And I have confronted her on these things. Unfortunately it came about in a “last straw” situation, so it was not calm and constructive, I just told her everything all at once. She just became defensive and had no recognition; became defiant, not compassionate. Even over time she has not come to the realization of the things she said and did. She is as you and others describe here : self centered, self absorbed, manipulative, even narcissistic. I just recently tried again to discuss it and it really is no use. She simply does not see it. She doesn’t comprehend that it is about how she made (makes) me feel, whether she thinks she did anything wrong or not. She gaslights me( as you have described with your mother), she scapegoats me, she accepts zero responsibility. One would think as our mothers age they would look back over their lives and want to make amends for their mistakes.
Instead, my mother revises history to her advantage. I said to her recently that she has never once apologized to me for the things she has said and done and her response was “apologize for what?! Doing the best I could?!”. To which I pointed out examples and asked if that was her best. She does not hear.
I know that my sister and I say daily that we do not want to be like her in our old age. So, in a way maybe her example serves to keep us from that? I hope so. In your case, you have protected yourself by moving away and removing yourself from a toxic and abusive mother. I agree with others’ advice that you should definitely write the letter, but it is doubtful she would take any responsibility if you send it. You need closure , and once she is gone, I hope you are free. I hope this forum helps with your process. Take care.

I agree with most all of the comments here, with one exception. I would type the letter, make 2 copies. I would absolutely send 1 to her and make sure someone hands it to her and watches her open it and read it and then updates you that she did read it. I would then take the 2nd copy and either have it placed in her coffin, or burn it. Whichever gives your soul the most peace.

No, you're definitely not a horrible person to want to be released from that pain, sorrow and rightful outrage. I just don't think reading her the letter, or even sending it to her, will bring about the closure you are hoping for. It's partly in the writing of it. Which maybe should be done with the help of a therapist so that you can work on forgiveness, the other part. She doesn't deserve your forgiveness but forgiveness takes away the power that her abuse still has over you. May you receive total healing and peace in your heart as you move through this process.

Please see a counsellor to process the issues of your childhood. Though you may find it cathartic to confront your abuser, I doubt that it will have any impact in changing her thoughts or behavior. It might even increase the difficulty in communicating with her in these last times of her life. You need to work through the process of moving from anguish over the past to a place of peace in your present. That pathway is called forgiveness - and it is a process. A counsellor should be well able to help you navigate this before your mother passes. My hope is that you will communicate that you have forgiven her for the problems of her parenting style/behavior and that you wish her peace in her passing.

Write the letter.
Vent, get it all out.
Then burn the letter.
One suggestion below was to read the letter to her at the gravesite. If you decide to do this do it when you are by yourself.
Is your mom on Hospice? If so can you contact the Hospice Chaplain and talk to him or her?
You say that you do not want to see her leave this world without at least hearing the truth. My guess is she already knows the truth, she has heard it from you and your sister many times while you were growing up, she heard it from your father after he "pulled her off" of you or your sister. I doubt that after hearing the truth for 93 years one more time will have any effect on her.
Write your letter, burn it and let the anger, frustration, hate float away with the ashes.
You can thank her for a few things though.
You learned from her how NOT to treat people.
If you have children you learned from her how to be a parent, not by the example she set but by teaching you how NOT to treat them.
We all learn from our parents.
Some learn how to be a good parent and follow a good example.
Some are treated poorly and think that it is acceptable way.
Some are treated poorly and instinctively know that people should not be treated in that way.
To carry the burden of hatred does nothing to her but it weighs on you. Why let her live rent free in your head and heart. Evict her.
((hugs)) I wish you peace in your head and heart.

I like the idea of writing the letter and burning it. I also agree that she did teach you how not to be. Both my parents were abusive, and mt brother and i never expected to live long enough to reach 18. But we did, and i got out as soon as i could and took my brother with me. We decided we were not going to be like them. Neither parent ever apologized. My father did mellow just before he died (who are you and where were you for so many years?), and he was actually likeable for a very short time, but he still could not say, "I'm sorry." My mother is 97 now and we put her in a good nursing home. She is still as nasty as ever but at least she can't hurt us anymore. I see no point in stooping to her level and trying to rub a sad old woman's nose in the past. Every day since i turned 18 (and there have been many days!) has been a bonus day, and i refuse to let her control how i use those days. I told her many times before how i felt about the abuse but she is determined not to be blamed for anything. That's part of the narcissistic personality. I can't tell you how to handle this, but whatever you're looking for, you won't get it from her. Find a good therapist and write that letter for YOU... not her.

In my situation, I am one of 4 adult children. 2 were favored and 2 (one of my sisters and I) were not. I keep the secret still, as everyone else reveres my parents. Or purports to.
My dad got sick and died quickly, and I had a therapist help me through it.
When he was in ICU, before life support was removed,, I said I thought it would be good if each of us had time alone to speak with him...mom refused. Other siblings agreed. When it was my turn, I told him that he was dying, and that he would have to answer for what he did on earth. And that he had helped make me who I am, in good ways and in bad...and then I left. No other words.
First few years I'd go to the cemetery and cuss him out, after dark...no need to do that now.
Get support from a therapist, maybe the hospice chaplain can help you find the words to use and he/she can read a brief message to her from you. Write that long letter for your own healing, and have a ceremony to burn it and release her from your life.
Take care, this is painful stuff.

I am working through similar issues with a counsellor. Being the sole carer to my emotionally and sometimes physically abusive and narcissistic mother nearly took me under last year. I have written to my mother on many occasions over my lifetime to let her know the effect of her behaviour on me. She has repeatedly negated my experience, which creates even more hurt and doesn’t change her behaviour at all. Working with my counsellor has helped me to have my feelings validated and appreciate the difference between understanding intellectually WHY my mother behaved the way she has (she had multiple life traumas when she was a child, from sudden death of a parent, to ending up in care and abandonment) and being unable to stop feeling devastated by it over and over and over again, as well as how it has impacted my sense of self.

Being able to work with an independent professional has been life changing for me. No more guilt, no more hatred - feelings I didn’t want to have hanging over all of the wonderful things I have in my life. My brother and I had been estranged for years; a consequence of my mum’s manipulation and pitting us against each other. We finally came face to face moving mum into extra care housing and were able to see that we had both been on the end of the NPD dynamic. We will never be best friends - too much water under the bridge, however, I now have no anger or resentment towards him for his absence and ‘leaving me to it’; he had made choices to protect himself, which I didn’t see as possible for me. That is a win for both of us and as we sorted through our lives in the form of photos, cards and drawings, we actually managed to laugh and share some memories.

As far as telling your mum the truth of how her abuse affected you, I’m not sure it will give you the result you want. I have written to mum many times through my life. It made no difference at all, just more frustration and feelings of negation of my point of view. My counsellor has worked with me around the fact that at 84, my mum isn’t going to change now. She has no commitment to change - NPD is her protection strategy, she lives in a kind of Totalitarian world of her own making - she is the censor, author, judge and jury. My counsellor has listened to and acknowledged the effect of the manipulation and abuse on my psyche and how I can work to recognise patterns of reactivity, my thoughts and emotions. That has been so powerful. My feelings feel validated. That has been amazing. I am gaining so much insight and powerful tools to use to change how I feel, being able to let go of the damaging feelings around my relationship with my mother and acceptance of who she is and has been. Both bad and good. I am happier and freer than I have been in decades.

I would say it is entirely up to you whether you send your mum a letter, as long as your expectations are realistic. Someone with full Narcissistic Personality Disorder is very unlikely to acknowledge or accept your perspective, especially if it is not complimentary to their grandiose sense of self. One option might be to write the letter and burn it ceremonially, set it afloat on a lake, whatever would be meaningful for you.

I hope you find a way to get some peace and practice self care.

I would say yes by all means yes ! Where she is at the end of her life , she should hear you out ! You still have a life ahead of you! It would bring you some peace and somewhat some closure! Maybe you can move forward with some happiness ! Maybe she’ll deny it, won’t listen to you , but even still yes please talk to her if it means so much to you ! Who knows maybe it will help her aswell !! Good luck !! My prayers are with you ! 💚🙏✌️💚

Been there, done that. Have the participation trophy. You are not wrong for feeling how you feel. You will never get closure from someone who is mentally ill and hasn't done anything to handle her illness. My mother is an undiagnosed borderliner. I was her 'identified patient', aka the black sheep. I got the brunt of the physical and mental abuse. I finally confronted her in person. I told her 100% of how I felt. She couldn't comprehend what I was saying. She didn't really apologize, nor did she really acknowledge how her actions made my life hard. So as much as it felt good at the time, I realized she never accepted how her actions hurt me. She had excuses for everything and blamed me half the time.

What I realized is there would be no 'closure' with her. I could tell her till the cows come home and there would be no closure. Closure assumes there's acknowledgement on the other party's part. That won't happen. To be honest, I WOULD send the letter, because it WILL help.

But what WILL work is forgiveness. Forgive her for being human and mentally ill. She was mentally ill. Your father was an enabler who should have taken his children out of that environment. Both of them were not good parents. In that era, there was less emphasis on mental health. There was no Dr. Phil, etc. Being 'mentally ill' had a bad stigma attached. So part of forgiveness is realizing they lacked the right tools. They shouldn't have done what they did, but there weren't as many resources for them at that time.

Forgiveness is your best bet. Write your letter, send it, but also tell her you forgive her for being human. Then start working on really forgiving her and then forgiving yourself. So no you aren't a horrible person. You are a wounded child. Your reaction and wanting to be heard is normal. Just don't have ANY expectations she will react, and assume she will react very negatively. Then realize this woman is too mentally ill.

Think to yourself that bible verse, which I'm probably messing up...there but for the grace of god go I.

You were spared from having her mental illness. You are lucky to see that her behavior was wrong. You were somewhat lucky your father at least spared you some of the time. You're not allowing that illness to move through your life. You are soon to be rid of your abuser. You're very very lucky. Keep working to forgive her. That's what will make you feel better. Just those three words, I forgive you, will tell her all she needs to know, even if you don't go into detail.

And if I were you, I'd go see her. Hold her hand and just say, I forgive you for being abusive to me. I forgive you for not taking care of your mental health issues. And I forgive you for not acknowledging my pain. You obviously were so damaged or abused in your upbringing that you had no way to learn how to stop it going forward. You are human and I forgive you.

That will set you free. And then continue to work with a mental health counselor to get over the abuse. That is being kind to yourself.

I use the healthcare.gov website for insurance and am on Ambetter's plan that offers FREE mental health counseling. So if you can't afford it, looking that provider. Good luck. You are NOT a horrible person. You lived through a horrible time and upbringing. Your mother is also not a horrible person, but a very flawed one.

Write the letter! Mail it. You don't have to visit her. I wrote my letter to my mom years ago. I knew if I tried to talk to her, she would shut me down. I talked to a counselor. I let her read the letter and she made a couple of good points. Then counselor told me i had the choice to send it or burn it. I didn't write that letter for nothing! I didn't care if she read it, ( i knew she would) she never spoke of the letter but knew she got it and opened it because my sister( mom's favorite) chewed me out for being "disrespectful". I really don't think my counselor helped me in anyway be disrespectful. I've serpent both of them off and i feel so much better for getting it all off my chest. I'll bet you'll feel better as well. Good luck to you!

I believe you should write the letter and send it . I wrote a letter to my 85 year old narcissistic mother .l felt I needed to do it to get everything off my mind ,I feel she needed to hear what she’s done to my sister and I ,our family is broken because of her .She had so many chances of making it right ,she refused mental help of any kind ,so it’s her problem she has lost her adult kids and now her adult grandchildren. I felt she really needed to hear this from me .
wether she understands it or not I don’t care at this point
I was actually able to move forward after I sent it ,I know she won’t reach out so I don’t expect it .I did it for me ,not for her.
I hope you can find some peace in whatever way you chose ,it’s a hard road growing up and living around these kinda people ❤️

I recommend that you finish that letter - spell it all out, as strong as you need it to be, then put it in a drawer. If you still feel you need to after a few days, give it to her; however, don't expect any reaction from her, but it may give you a sense of closure.

The difficult time you had growing up with your mother can leave lasting scars. It's totally understandable for you to want to show her these scars through your letter. Ask yourself what you would like the outcome to be....the freedom that comes from speaking your truth, her acknowledgement of her behaviour, an apology? How likely are these options to work? Only you can decide what will be most healing for you.

No, you are not a horrible person. Writing can often be helpful, but you need to think about what you are expecting to occur upon sending the letter. You have two possibilities no response at all or an abusive response. Any closure you need will have to come from the inside. As you know, abuse can take years to heal. I hope you have a good therapist to guide you through the process.

You are not wrong. However you may not be satisfied by telling her anything. You can vent all you want…but be prepared for any (or no) response. You can state your feelings. Your mother may deny all, blame you, talk about something she sees out the window at that moment.

You may not get the resolution or even “feeling better” now that you’ve told her. In fact, if she were to blame you or deny, you may even feel worse. Go ahead and tell her if you want, but again, be prepared for what you get back from her (if anything).

You’re not wrong for wanting acknowledgement, apologies, and closure. But will your mom acknowledge her wrongdoing and apologize? If she doesn’t, will you be willing and able to let go and accept it? Maybe it will allow you to get it off your chest, once and for all. But afterwards, you have to let it go. If you don’t, it will be like a cancer in your bones and you’ll be cheated out of having an enjoyable life with your own family. I pray that God will give you peace.

I have something i call the path of least regrets.

i look at my choices and none is really good so i try to pick the one that i think i’ll regret the least in the future when i look back at what i’ve done.

I can tell you from personal experience that doing this will make you feel better. For 5 minutes. My therapist (who I saw for ptsd, anxiety stemming from emotional and horrific physical abuse) suggested I do this. And even though it DID help me, it wasn’t the tremendous relief I’d hoped for. I AM glad I did it, though and I suggest you do so. I know that I would have regretted not doing so after my “sperm donor” died if I had not told him what I thought of him.
I wish you all the best.

I am not sure how your telling her will change the facts. I can empthasize with your feelings about your mother's behavior as you were growing up, however, telling her will not change the past. I find that writing my feelings down and with as much detail that I need, helps me to release and move on.
No, I don't think you are a Horrible Person, I believe you are a very Hurt Person. However, I cannot imagine how it will change the past; it may well affect your future once your mother is truly gone. I am sorry for those past experiences, however, they cannot be undone, so think about how YOU want to live the rest of YOUR life.

Another reason for being a bad idea—ops mom could if she read it or parts of it might call op and say you’ve upset me into having a heart attack, or I’m sure you’re happy that I’ll be carrying it to the grave. I mean, the basic message is going to be you hurt me, so I will hurt you.

Yes, write the letter. Be as honest and forthright in it as you can be. Lay the blame for a miserable childhood and life at her feet. Put it ALL in there.

Then keep it for a bit, read it a few times, then burn it. Throw the ashes to the wind.

To tell a 93 yo woman, who sounds like a real peach of a person, that she caused you to have a much harder life than anyone deserves, to lay the blame of guilt at her feet and expect--what? some kind of closure?
It won't happen.

IMHO (and experience) there is no point in trying to get people to accept a mentally sick person to take the blame for something they've done that's hurt you. In fact, it may make you feel worse.

So often in life, we are hurt by people who don't mean to. Often we are hurt by people who MEANT TO do just what they did. Sounds like your mom falls in the latter category.

You won't feel better, trust me. You'll feel less ''complete" than you do now. There will be no closure, as she obviously felt compelled or right in treating you the way she did.

I was severely abused by an older brother. I know it kept me from being all that I could have been. He dies before I had 'closure', so to speak, and I am OK with that. (Lots of therapy). Writing him a letter--I did that, once, and all it did was to light the powder keg of his mental illness--he came at with guns blazing. It was not cleansing or helpful. His death gave me more closure than anything else.

I'm so sorry for the pain you still feel. And for the rotten hand that life dealt you. But trying to get a person who obviously doesn't care, to suddenly care--won't happen and you will feel worse.

You're not a horrible person. You're a victim of crappy parenting.

I am going through this with my own MIL, who beat and abused my DH as a child. He is 70 yo and still feels, to extent, the things she called him, the blame she put on him. I quit seeing her 2 years ago and it has been great. DH has to go visit on his own. He hates it, but knows that if I go with him, things escalate pretty quickly into a fight. I don't fight, she does. He has given up trying to get her to see his side of things. He'd NEVER write her a letter, b/c she felt perfectly correct to treat her sons the way she did. At 91+, she is not changing.

Don't go see her, either, if it's too hard. I pick and choose when I visit my mother. She wasn't really abusive, but she allowed abuse to go on and didn't protect me, as a mother should. She's never acknowledged the abuse by OB. She calls me the 'troublemaker' and maybe I am. When I came out with the memories of abuse--suddenly 2 other sibs and countless kids came forth with the same stories. Mom didn't believe any of them. Even though he spent time in JAIL for child abuse, she didn't believe he was capable of anything like what we were all accusing him of.

So--you do what you really feel you want/need to do.

But don't expect ANYTHING in return.

I can relate; whether or not your mother even admits to herself her behavior hurt you the task is to focus on healing yourself; believe me, it can take a lifetime. On the bright side, I recently stumbled upon a site 'Crappy Childhood Fairy', which focuses on CPTSD which is usually 'Complex PTSD' but the 'fairy' shifts it to Childhood PTSD and its effects on every area of our lives. Now, there's also the 'ACEs': Adverse Childhood Events work that is gaining more and more widespread understanding. Even tho we can't change what happened to us we can come to understand what that kind of childhood does to how our brains are/were affected; this is in the area of neuroplasticity. There are ways to, in essence, rewire our brains. My dad also had to 'pull mom off' me, one time, "You have to stop this; you're going to make her have a nervous breakdown." I tried repeatedly as an adult to write my feelings to my mom but it only caused uproar that was not productive. Sadly, it wasn't until my mom was literally on her deathbed and unable to speak that there was a glimmer, just a glimmer, of her finally 'seeing' me; it was bittersweet because it had Finally happened but the waste of all the years we might have had a loving relationship (and more Fun!) but at least it happened, at the 9th hour, which I consider a moment of Grace. In this way, we could both part in a 'clean' way, which was very important to me.

Even if your husband can't transport you to your mother, maybe there's another way, bus/train/fly? Or Zoom visit. I would suggest if you must convey the damage, ask what you're wanting: to punish her? to give her a chance to apologize? Despite the personality disorders involved I believe the person's spirit knows full well what they've done; it's part of their spiritual journey. As hard as it is to forgive terrible treatment in childhood, try to remember it is a way to liberate yourself not dismissing/excusing the person.

A letter is a way to get everything out of your heart/mind and onto a tangible thing, onto paper; some say to not send such a letter, but just use it to 'purge' all the backlog of hurt. I sent my letters, because I wanted to confront my mom with my pain; it was 'satisfying' to 'dump' but it did not change the dynamic. People who hurt others often are walled off emotionally/psychologically; the task is to protect yourself. A face to face calm conversation (in person or Zoom), keeping it simple, may be the best way to say goodbye to your mom; say your piece, listen to her, keep expectations low low low; then know you 'stood up for yourself', in your truth, and can let the mother/daughter relationship Conclude.

I have dealt with the 'fallout' from my experience with my mom all my life; I have done a lot of counseling around it off and on ever since my 20s; I'm now 70. I had to learn how to differentiate between what was my 'stuff' and what was an aftereffect of my 'programming' from my mom, from those experiences. Finding the Crappy Childhood Fairy helps me remember to keep the focus on my healing to overcome/outlive the crap from the past. Interestingly, about 2-3 months after my mom died I suddenly had a wave of pure grief, no longer about my childhood trauma at her hands, but FOR her because she was so very damaged to have behaved that way toward me, that she likely was miserable and in some kind of personal prison.

You are not wrong, or horrible, for wanting to 'tell her off' in some way; just know that wanting to hurt or punish her could boomerang onto you: why perpetuate pain? Take the high road; find a way to communicate for the sake of love. Despite the bad stuff between us I was determined to make her passing a clean transition For Both Of Us. Then the 'bad' stuff becomes just another part of a life story, not defining who we are.

Hello, Harrysmom. I am sorry you have suffered so deeply for so long. I think you are right when you say, “nothing I write can undo the damage she’s caused”. The time to have a loving relationship with her is gone.
If putting words on paper helps you, by all means do that. Get it all out. My advice is to then destroy it. If your mom hasn’t acknowledged you and your hurts in the past, it’s highly unlikely she will now that she’s dying.
I would like to recommend this video https://youtu.be/WTDWS6V3_Ow
In case the link does not work, it’s called Forgiveness Meditation with Sister Miriam James Heidland.
God bless you and your husband.

WOW...this looks like post I could have written.
My mother is 94. My older sister left and refused any contact with her over 40 years ago. My younger brother couldn't tolerate the continual psychological and verbal abuse into his adulthood and finally took his life in his early 40's. That leaves me. My mother is the 5th of 5 in her family. All but one are deceased now. The other siblings had no contact with her from about 1965 to their deaths. She is narcissistic and has NO idea that she has spent her live being abusive. My father left after 22 years of marriage since my sister and I were adults and could defend ourselves and or leave.
At this point in time, discussing this with my mother seems fruitless. The only result would be crushing at her deaths door. I feel I am bigger than that. She can not "hurt" more than has been done already. I am not in her will AT ALL. She has yelled that at me since I can remember and she was good on that threat!
Now she is incontinent, immobile and bed-ridden. She relies on me for most everything. I hold no legal power (refused me POA, health proxy and executor). She gave that to my children who all have young children and have no to little time for a large (200lb+) abusive incontinent bully.....baby. They do what they can but I do most of the work and research on what services available and how to get them. I just do not see an upside to me ranting about behavior that she will ultimately deny. My children and cousins all know of the abuse we suffered. Not one of them will speak to her or visit for the past 30+ years. There are 11 grandchildren. Three of them are mine. Two of them are her ONLY visitors (the third lives 1800 miles away. This is their conscious decision that they have made for good reasons....like my mothers abuse. As I said - I just see NO upside to having that conversation. She has been laying in bed for the past 2 years whinnning about her ungrateful family that do nothing for her. She still calls me "Hitler" since I have restricted her caloric intake due to the fact that I can not lift her girth on my own even with a hoyer lift! Since I am not a trained HHA I also do not know how to "change" her seemlessly. I have lived with that abuse for 60+ years - i'm used to it and it does not bother me - It is expected. My children see this...very clearly. But we all feel a "moral" obligation to care for this person. I have taught them to always do what you truly think what is right in your heart and to always treat others as you expect to be treated. Simply - that is what we do. My husband yells at me for accepting this abuse but that falls on deaf ears.
Straight forward advise - save the energy you use for resentment and do something good with it. You'll probably sleep better at night.

Hi Harry's Mom. I think that you should write your letter. Put into words all of the hurt and pain that haunts you to this very day. Let go of all of the poison that has be lingering for so many years. Then exhale and have a good cry and release all of that crap.

Put the letter in an envelope, address it and put a stamp on it. Then put it in a drawer or a cabinet and let go of it. Do not mail it. All of that pain that you released will not be received the way you want it to read. The process of writing the letter was for you and you alone.

When she passes, burn the letter and know that you are free. Good luck finding yourself.

I am sorry you had to suffer thru your childhood years. Some women are not meant to be mothers. I feel you are justified in letting your mother know how she affected your life and the scars that she left. You will feel at peace knowing you let her know and I hope you will find happiness.

You are not at all horrible. You are a good person who is doing her best to move on with your life.

I do understand where you are coming from. I also had a "childhood" in which my mother abused me. My mother passed almost a year ago, not quite 97. I was luckier than you in that I had many years of therapy in my prime years and learned to accept and love myself as someone totally separate from any family relationships. I still had questions, though, about why she could never bring herself to love or accept me. I spent time with her in her final 5 years, helping my sisters and trying to learn what the issues were that I did not understand as a child.

If I was looking for something profound, that wasn't what I found. I did find a few answers that were disappointingly simple, I understood better some of the demons my mother had faced. What I did not find was any reason to forgive her for the burning hurts of my first 18 years, nor any acceptance that she may have been "trying" to "do her best," both excuses that people throw out at you who cannot understand the terror of a small child whose biggest fear is her mother--or the grownup version of that child who navigates life from a totally different perspective from that of someone whose parents cared for them. Very few can understand why, in one of my first therapy session, when told to imagine myself in a safe place, I began crying, spent the rest of the session amazed that a person could conjure up the idea of a safe place. I had never known one. I needed a lot of therapy to learn how to make a safe place for myself.

I encourage you to write 2 letters. In the one you have already written, you focus on the facts and you are trying to be accurate and factual. Write a second letter in which you write down your feelings, your fears, your hatreds as you grew up and how they affected your adult life. These are also the facts of your life. Be honest, not overly graphic. You are summing these things and writing them so that you can put them out in front of you to examine them, own them, and finally, to bury them with your mother.

It will not matter much whether you send either letter to your mother. If she had the capacity to love or understand you it would have already happened. Her reaction is not important anymore. You cannot change her. You will get no satisfaction from her, and would not even if you could confront her. Mail the first letter if it will make you feel better, but don't expect any phone calls of apology or sudden understanding. Personally, I wouldn't waste the postage stamp. It seems as though you have found some peace and happiness with your husband. Focus on that as much as you can. I found it very helpful to embrace the good life I have with my husband while dealing with the nastiness around my mother's passing. I had thought that my childhood was left behind, but so much of the past comes back over again. You will probably need to deal with this more than once. Write all the letters you need to write. Burn them all, or bury them, or send them to the dead letter office. I remember sending emails to a deceased friend of mine for months after his accounts were cancelled. The messages matter even if they are not received. Write all the messages you need to send. Take care of yourself. You will get past this and you will be able to find freedom and peace with those you can love.