My mother, 93, is nearing the end in a nursing home very far from where I live. I have a disability that prevents me from getting to her on my own. My husband, 65, was laid off during the pandemic and found a new position nine months ago, but cannot take time off to drive me seven hours there and back. We can't afford for him to risk losing this job at his age.
My mom was brutally abusive to me and my sister, (from whom we're both estranged) physically and psychologically, though she still refuses to admit it. My father passed years ago, but when I was a child, he would routinely have to "pull her off" of us--his words--when he was at home. The psychological abuse continues to this day, but any attempt to broach the subject with my mother has resulted in her screaming at me and calling me crazy. She and her sister (deceased) both suffer from narcissistic personality disorder, and my only female cousin was abused as badly by her self-centric mother. Because I cannot--and quite honestly don't really want to--see her, I've decided to write her. The content of the letter I've drafted isn't nasty or mean, but it is 100% honest. My goal is only to have some closure before she dies. (She came close two weeks ago.) Though of course, nothing I write can undo the damage she's caused, I know expressing my feelings will make me feel better. I don't want to see her leave this world without at least hearing the truth, even if she won't acknowledge it. Am I a horrible person to want to do this?
This is my first time writing this forum. Thank you in advance for any thoughts any of you may have.
It’s ultimately pointless to attempt to hold a severely mentally ill person responsible for their behaviour. They are incapable of accepting any responsibility. There is no satisfaction to be had.
I have thought for decades of giving my mother the laundry list on her death bed of her acts of extreme abuse and neglect. There’s no point. Any trivial thing now, she screams, “Shut up! You’re lying. You’re a liar! I never said that, I never did that.” Her mental illnesses (NPD and borderline) make her incapable of dealing psychologically with the repercussions of her behaviour. I pity her.
She is not worthy of any more effort than that.
You're in the room as one of a team nursing a dying woman in her last hours. A letter arrives for her. It's your patient's right to receive it, but if she can't open the letter or hold it or see well enough to read, it's your job - with her permission - to open it for her and read it to her.
Would you?
Things like this are challenging when you are not the life long target and haven't experienced abuse by a parent.
It wasn't physical abuse for me, but certainly emotional/psychological.
The best advice I have on that - as someone who has accepted that my mother will move on from this life without ever acknowledging or apologizing for such things - is that, cliche as it sounds, forgiveness is truly a gift that you give yourself.
Her treatment of you is something she has to live with, even if only for a short time. You, however, have the choice to let it go. Hard as that sounds to do - it still remains within your power.
And remember - everything is a communication. If deep down, on some twisted level, her ambitions to torment you were based upon the reaction it elicited, your not responding to them in the traditional way still sends her a message. And that message is, you have healed yourself, and risen above.
I hope that helps you. I have nothing but empathy for those feelings, believe me.
and this:
“And that message is, you have healed yourself, and risen above.”
:)
i wish it for us all :).
warm hug from me, erzoolie :).
Hope this helps....
I was overwhelmed by the thoughtful, caring, and kind responses to my question, and I am so grateful to each and every one of you who took the time from your busy days to respond. Having so many folks willing to help a complete stranger with a vexing issue was a profoundly humbling experience.
There was a lot to unpack in terms of the variety of answers and advice everyone offered. I wrote a letter - in fact, rewrite followed rewrite followed rewrite, until I had a result I was comfortable with. There was no nastiness, no name-calling, no laundry list of brutality or specific actions and deeds referenced. My mother knows what she did. I also wished her comfort in her days and peace in her heart and mind; and regretted that we never had the loving mother/daughter bond others share.
I thought a great deal about all the advice you had shared, and many of you mentioned forgiveness. So I offered her that, but only after I expressed to her how much damage her abuse had caused - because I needed her to know that. (And maybe it was time for me to be a little selfish for a change.) I needed her to know what her abuse cost me throughout my life; relationships that I could never trust, years and years of therapy, the loss of potential and self-esteem that plagued me for so long. And then I wrote that I forgave her for that, but that I would never forget.
Please know that I went into this never expecting anything in return from her. Not acknowledgement, not acceptance, not understanding, and most certainly not an apology. So there will be no more hurt from her to me.
There seemed to be two schools of thought on whether or not to send the letter, and for days I vacillated, wondering what would help me the most. In the end, I sent it.
I feel a great sense of freedom and relief, having in essence severed ties with her for good. I will not see or speak to her again, and I am fine with that.
As an aside, I should have made clear in my original post is that my mother was actually diagnosed with NPD by a psychiatrist (who wasn't looking for that, but hit on it during a comprehensive mental exam a few years back). I agree that lay people probably shouldn't bandy terms like that freely about, as one person suggested, but in my mother's case, it was a valid medical diagnosis.
To all of you who shared your experiences that were so much like mine, please know that I stand with you and feel your pain. It takes courage and a certain amount of grace to share the brutality of abuse with the world at large. And to all of you that took the time to help a stranger, I am deeply and humbly grateful for your generosity.
Harrysmom
Yesterday, I had a counseling session with a therapist and I spoke very candidly about the way my parents treated me. I got the brunt of their frustration. This type of abuse leaves scars on your heart and soul.
In your case, I wouldn't send her a letter. I would journal it. Write the letter getting all of your feelings out and then have a ritual or ceremony. After you've written your letter, take it outside and then burn it. Take those ashes from the letter and bury them. If feelings keep coming up, write another letter, burn it and tell the bad feelings goodbye.
There is no sense in riling up an angry and bitter old woman. There is no changing a personality disordered individual. She was mean to you and your sibling, so there is no reason to put yourself in more uncomfortable situations or having your husband drive you to the facility risking his job. A person can only put up with so much abuse. Let your mother go. People die everyday in these facilities with their loved ones not being there. Don't let yourself feel guilty about this.
My husband passed away in the middle of the night in a hospital. I got there about five minutes too late and he was already gone. He wasn't abusive. I believe that he knew spiritually that I was on my way, and he didn't want me to witness his dying. I knew my husband, and he always thought that I was too sensitive. They pick the time of their departure from the physical world back into the spirit world. It is their decision not ours. We will all make this journey.
Working on FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) will keep you from sliding back into this belief that you need to do something. In reality, you don't. What you are feeling is normal for people who grew up in abusive situations (myself included). We have what you call a trauma bond to these abusive individuals. Whatever your mother is going through at this point in her life is between her and God. She has to face the Lord about the life she lived when she transitions over.
i wish you to heal.
you won’t get healing from the same person who caused you damage.
she’s not sorry. abusive people enjoy the fact that their victim/target suffers. abusers want to see you fail in life.
so…
prove her wrong.
-be the happiest you can be
-heal
-be the physically healthiest you can be
-be successful
-have kind friends
-choose a non-abusive relationship
-find a passion/hobby/job you can really throw your soul into. something you wake up every day and can’t wait to do! so excited about it.
some solutions give TEMPORARY relief:
-like writing a letter (whether you send, don’t send, burn, etc.)
-1 week later, you’ll probably be back to being hurt.
-why? because your current life’s not doing well.
-happy/productive/successful current life = less reason to be stuck in the past.
-it’s very unlucky, unfair many of us were/are abused. no doubt.
-BUT try to find ways to make your current life great.
-unlucky past. try to have a lucky present/future.
hug!! :) :)
bundle of joy :)
But will it help?
Does picking at the scab of an old wound, over and over, help it heal? No
Will your letter change your mother? No.
Will it change the present situation, or the past? No.
Change your feelings? No.
Your mother, with all her selfishness, has more insight and honesty than many abusers, since she admits she wasn't a good mother. But she doesn't express the remorse you'd like to hear. She's at the end of her life and she can't undo what she has done. And since she won't be looking to make amends, it's up to you to support and nourish yourself the best you can.
I'm not saying you should try to forget. That's not possible. But you might make a deliberate effort to look outward and encourage others the way you needed encouragement as a child, to help them build the sense of self-worth denied to you. The world is full of wounded people. And you have a special knowledge of unmet needs that cause others pain.
I am assuming you are married and happy with your own family. You attempted to avoid doing the things that mom did in raising kids or being a part of a family. You already won the war.
I would suggest that since you've written down all of your feelings, that you have a little ceremony with yourself. Read it outloud, burn it, and pray that what you burned harms no one else ever.
The one way that you will be set free from the abuse is to forgive her. It is the only way to set yourself free. No matter if by some miracle she would even acknowledge her behavior, the freedom will come from your forgiveness of her.
She will be the one to answer one day for her actions.
As a friend of mine put it, "You stepped up and broke the family curse by not letting your mom define who you are." I swore from a very young age, that if I had children, I would tell them every single day I loved them, they were important, and fill them with encouragement.
It sounds like you are an overcomer, my dear. Wear that badge proudly!
My mom is gone now but even when she was alive I always felt that "Mother's Day" was just a big cash grab for the stores anyways. She felt the same way. I loved her very much and I know she knew it. But if your mom isn't worthy of it, don't buy a card and don't feel guilty about it either.
The irony was that she no longer knew who I was. She was a distant mother whose mantra was “I never wanted to have children” (she had two). My sister was temporarily cared for by her 15 year old aunt(!) and I was often shuffled off to my grandmother or “watched” during the day by our sleeping night shift father.
So yes, there are those kind of mothers that defy the typical Hallmark Mothers Day card sentiment. Do what you need to do, but take care to not expose yourself to an unfulfilling experience.
As to my moment of “truth” ? I just shook my head in agreement. Said, “well, I guess you did the best you could” and “let’s get cleaned up and so you can go down for your breakfast”.
(Then, we're suppose to buy them 'loving' Mother's Day cards... yea... Happy Mother's Day)
And I understand your seep need to be "heard" or at least to make the statements that it was not right for her to be that way.
As you said, any attempts to ever say things to her about her behavior are met with denial and screaming.
SO the sad thing to accept is that she will never hear you, and spaeking to her about it will only result in her again trying to manipulate and destroy you to keep herself from hearing it.
Save yourself the moment. My mother passed in December, I never was able to have my moment of being affirmed that she was abusive, and it is OK. It helped me to write a letter "to her" about my life, then just put it away ( or burn it- whatever helps).
The sad reality is that theses are damaged mothers. They put themself first. They have no empathy . Think of how cold a person has to be to attack an innocent child. They have no ability to consider anyone's feelings.
We can't undo damage but we can learn how to be "not like them", learn to be wise and be aware of what kind of people are "takers" and be strong to know it was never our fault and we have value whether that mother knew it or not.
Sending love that you will know you are valuable and you have your own life as an adult. Live with what brings you joy and release her to her own miserable self.
"They have no ability to consider anyone's feelings."
this, i disagree with: on the contrary, they very much consider other people's feelings: they WANT you to suffer, they WANT to see the pain (on your face, in your voice, in your life, damaged opportunities, destroyed/derailed goals in your life). they observe your feelings, but not in the way we do (we feel bad when others feel bad). they WANT you to feel bad.
Thats the extent of the closure. They won’t be a good person. To the extent that they are, they’ll only suffer more before dying.
Just a lose lose situation.
I wish you well as you heal from this.
"never getting at least the I am sorry for causing you pain is hard to swallow."
dear cascia,
there's never "i'm sorry" (a real "i'm sorry"), because they're NOT sorry. it's that simple.
abusive people LOVE abusing their target/victim. it's fun for them and makes them happy. they enjoy the fact that you suffered. (they'll try to hide the fact that it makes them happy).
regret!) I don't think she was basically a mean person, only a somewhat deprived and needy person, herself. But it took me literally years to come to that conclusion.
I'm mostly over the hurt...after my childhood and most of my adulthood has passed. I avoided motherhood because I feared becoming a mother, myself.
But now I actually enjoy doing little things for these elderly women who never ask for extra attention, never thought of themselves as exceptional (but in my estimation, they were). It has been healing to treat them like I would have liked to treat a real mother of my own.
Writing your letter to your mom is very good though. Let it out. See your pain in words. Give it form with ink. Describe her on paper, a thing that can be torn up as if you're tearing her up. That letter could be kept and filed away forever. That's a kind of weird control. And then get busy with things that have nothing to do with her, or you become her. She hurt you and your thoughts continue the job.
In addition, I don't believe Closure exists. You will not get an apology, but even if you did would you be satisfied? Also, you will not get any kind of compensation or a do-over with America's-made-for-TV-warm-huggy-sweetheart-mom. You will always remember every insult either to your body, your mind or your heart, UNTIL you start to make replacement memories of other things, fun things, charitable things, treats to yourself things. Perhaps a class in school, or joining a group of people who enjoy a shared hobby. Prepare new dishes for your husband. Stop bringing her darkness into your house. I'm here to tell you she will recede and fade with time.
So please just give up your outrage, your justified outrage, because it has skewed your thinking. It has prevented you from seeing the obvious. You say that, "The psychological abuse continues to this day, but any attempt to broach the subject with my mother has resulted in her screaming at me and calling me crazy", She hasn't been the problem for decades. Your attachment/addiction to exposing yourself to this treatment is your doing.
Also you say, "I don't want to see her leave this world without at least hearing the truth." This is you screaming to this woman that you were cheated of what a childhood should've been like. This is you screaming, "How could you not love your little girl". This is you screaming that you're deeply hurt, and nothing will ever fix this. And this is you wanting to hurt her as she hurt you, but it will not be enough. It will not help. And for yourself, you should just stop chewing your cud, over and over and over.
You say, "She's 93 and nearing the end". Your need to drive your pain through her head and heart is a waste of time. This behavior will only be another ugly act added to all your memories. You've been unnecessarily playing this rerun. Take a deep breath (often during the day). I'm sending you a momalax for your brain. She was eating away at your soul but you just pooped her away forever.
For you, for the little you, the today you, and hopefully for many many tomorrows, don't even say good-bye. Not a word more. She was a bad dream. You owe yourself and your husband a life without mother.
A
let it go but do get things out in the open but lovingly - you will not regret the kindness