I'm quadriplegic and need assistance. Am I wrong to ask for help from my siblings who live with me and pay nothing?

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I'm quadriplegic and need assistance. Am I wrong to ask for help from my siblings who live with me and pay nothing?

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For various reasons my 4 siblings and 2 nieces live with me (I'm on disability and have a small pension. I also own a 3 flat). They have no income. My oldest sister takes care of me, but she doesn't want to. And the rest feel the same way, except one sister who just recently became legally blind. I'm single, no kids or friends. All I have is them. I'm tired of being the only one paying bills. The blind sister wont collect her pension (even though she hasn't worked in years) or try to get disability. My oldest sister doesn't want to collect her SS. She is 67. I'm the youngest at 56. My brother has mental issues and can't understand simple instructions and my other sis cooks for me (She doesn't want to). I know I should kick them out, but I wold be all alone. My nieces basically ignore me. My other nieces and nephews won't help either.

I don't ask for much. Just make sure I have my meals, meds and to be bathed. I have a purewick system, so I don't have to be changed (only when I have a BM). Otherwise, I'm on my phone or tablet watching movies, paying bills or sleeping. What can I do? Does it seem like I'm asking for a lot?

Family Caregiver Siblings

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In your county there is an Area Agency on Aging office. Call them and ask they come do a needs assessment on you and your family members to see what services are available.

And maybe some of the responsibility is yours. By allowing them to slide on paying their own way, you are decreasing the quality of life for all of you. I hope you call and see what help is available.

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I find this a bit difficult to grasp. You are a quadraplegic – can’t use your legs or arms? You spend most of your time on your phone or tablet? You have 6 relations living with you in your property and you pay all the bills? Your relations refuse to collect their pension entitlements? You are able to support them all?

Something is badly wrong here.

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Are you the John in your profile? "I am caring for John, who is 57 years old, living at home with arthritis, hearing loss, incontinence, and mobility problems." Why didn't you mention quadriplegia?

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Is this about your family's refusal to contribute money to the household. or for the lack of care you seem to think they are responsible to provide to you?

If you want to insist your family pay rent, that is well within your rights; just bear in mind that if that occurs, you are now responsible to them as any other landlord would be. Are you able to do that? Or are you looking to barter living expenses for care? Because that's never really a idea that works out well for either party.

You say: "I dont ask for much. Just make sure i have my meals, meds and to be bathed. I have a purewick system so i don't have to be changed (only when i have a BM)."

Ummm...in my mind, that is QUITE a lot you're asking for. That sort of sounds like 24/7 care to me.

If this is legitimate, maybe it's time you sold all of your properties and looked into nursing home care. If your siblings were to come here into this forum and write their side of this story, what would they be posting about you and being burnt out? And the family dynamics have just added ANOTHER person to be cared for (older sister just became legally blind)...

I'm sorry that you've been dealt this hand, but I really think you're expecting more care than your family is able to give. Now I think you need to bring in professionals, even at the sacrifice of selling your properties, in order to get the care you clearly need but feel you aren't receiving.

Good luck.

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hope you have enough money for help when you need it you sound rotten

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wow that's a bad situation and if they are living or free is seems like the normal and right thing to do is to help you.

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What is indifference now might eventually turn into abuse. Consider all your other options, seek advise from both medical and legal professionals.

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As a former employee of a County Social Services agency, contact your local agency and ask if a home evaluation could be done by a social worker. That person could then help you decide what your best options are, depending on where you live. God bless and keep you.

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Good Morning,

You are in the driver's seat. You own the dwelling, play the landlord. Everyone has to contribute to society in one way or the other. You need a "facilitator" of some so sought--a social worker, Dept. of Elderly Affairs and/or Elder Attorney.

One day can go into the next and so the years go by. Ask an attorney but utilities should also be in "both" names in case something happens to you, they have a paper trail. Plus paying monthly rent (board) via checkbook shows consistency in paying your bills.

It sounds like some evaluations need to be done. If everyone pulls together you can all benefit. What one lacks another can do. You can be your blind sister's eye.

Call on the troops...physical therapy, occupational therapy, homemaker, cleaning women, Meals on Wheels. Once you get these things in place you will have a "new normal". There is help out there but need to call on the professionals to let you know what is available and show your siblings/nieces how they have to survive once you are gone. Also I think you all deserve a better quality of life than this.

There are day programs with transportation that your sister could attend. They provide lunch, exercise, fresh air. I think you are leaving a lot of $$$ sitting on the table when you call have a better of life so if one passes they ship doesn't sink.

I hope this helps. The fact that you are writing is a step in the right direction.

I will pray for you. There is help available. You don't have to do this alone.

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Actually asking them to bathe you or clean up a bowel movement is asking a lot. I have to wonder up to this point who has been bathing you and wiping your behind since they refuse to do it. Since you refuse to kick them out and they refuse to do for you there is really no solution to your problem. If you want things to change for yourself only you can change. Trying to change others is a waste of time.

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Do you qualify for Medicare? Would your siblings retaliate some way if you evicted them? You do not have to keep them in yourhome, but you will have to be prepared for someone else to take care of you instead. Or get rid of relatives, sell your property and move to a care facility.

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I would now move into care and I would clear relatives out of my property and have it managed and rented to pay for my care. I think it doesn't work to be dependent on relatives who don't wish to care for us. I loved my job as an RN but I would not have wanted to do in home care for a sibling.
That would be my own advice and what I would do. Only you can make decisions for yourself. I surely wish you the very best.

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Let's put this into perspective. Even though she doesn't want to, your oldest sister takes care of you. Even though she doesn't want to, your other sis cooks for you. These are services you would have to pay for if they didn't live there. You have no friends, but plenty of family company. You have a mentally challenged brother who needs help from all of you. Your legally blind sister has chosen not to draw her pension yet, but she is the one who you say doesn't mind helping you. Perhaps you can help her by researching how to apply for disability, which she is entitled to, and can be done online. You don't mention her age, but I'm sure you can call around to your local Senior Centers to ask for a social worker's help in applying. That social worker can most likely help you in many other ways too. The oldest sister wants to wait to apply for SS which generally is a smart thing to do - as both of your needs increase, the extra income can be very helpful. Since she's the one who physically meets your personal needs, it's a small price to pay.
All of you seem to be co-dependent upon each other for one reason or another. To kick them out would not be in anyone's best interest, especially yours. My biggest concern is you - you are the youngest & most financially secure - and even though you are handicapped, I urge you to expand your life by getting more involved in other ways - online courses, adult day care groups, and outreach programs for quadriplegics. I wish you the best!

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Get a lawyer and start proceedings to kick them our. You have taught them how to treat you. And you can write up a lease they must abide by.
If you tell them get out, they will laugh and go back to doing whatever they want. A legal notice for eviction will wake them up. You might have to evict one with a sheriff before they wake up.
You have obviously told them before, and they dont listen.
Maybe you can find a lawyer thru disabled services?
Perhaps they don't want to collect their money because they don't
know how. Where to go. What paperwork needs to be filled out. Maybe you could send for the paperwork. Good luck.
Good luck. You have to get tough and keep to it.

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For what it's worth: are your nieces/nephew of working age? If so what do they do? If they are younger, you can't really assume they can contribute in any remarkable way. As for your sisters: they are helping you. You are fed and cleaned. You seem to write off bathing and assisting with b/m as minor. Both are major aspects of care giving. Cleaning after a b/m is unpleasant at best and revolting at worst. Your sister does it begrudgingly, but she does it. If you want to change, you'll have to initiate it. Find out more about nursing home care/long term care in your area and move out. If you choose not to do that, all of you need to look into at home service. None of you are youngsters and will require care in the future.

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The "refusal to collect" pensions part could certainly be fixed and the household income would help. Maybe you could check with your local government social services organization to see if they could send someone out to get these things started. Same with disability for the brother. Barring that, could you pay for someone to get these income sources started?

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I think what you’re missing is respect, they don’t want to help or apply for disability?

What would they do if you didn’t exist, they would free fall and should take this time to secure themselves while you cover the bills.

The streets are full of mismanaged folks.

My little sister is a quadriplegic, she has paid help round the clock. Very often my mother takes advantage of that and turns her into an ATM. I am sure you qualify for the government to pay for caregivers to a family member or an outside person.

Most of my sisters friends are her caregivers, I’d talk to your social worker about your situation and ask for some direction.

Its true family of the severely disabled can get burned out, that’s when outside caregivers comes in.

It’s not fun applying for benefits but that’s part of being an adult isn’t it.

Also, I would spend more time making friends in groups even online.
It’s the outside caregivers and friends that will change the dynamics there and you won’t feel like you’re being held hostage.

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"hope you have enough money for help when you need it you sound rotten"

Tonya, please, I'm dying of curiosity...enlighten me. What EXACTLY about my post is "rotten"?

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AND...OP has ghosted the thread.

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I have some doubts as to the veracity of this poster...

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Oh wow. From the way you describe your home, do you live in England or another country other than US? Well my take on this is simple. They think they have it made, and why wouldn't they get SS and/or disability? The government owes that to them. That does not make any sense. Insist that they do, and pay a small amount of rent to you. If you pay for their living needs, a home, food, electric, gas, they owe you that even if they are helping you. Just because you are disabled doesn't mean that is an invitation for them to all move in. But maybe each one can take a day and do for you, one can cook, two days, another 2 days etc. Set up a schedule for each one that is willing and wants to help and is able to help you, different days or even different hours in the day, but be specific. Put it down on paper so their are no misunderstandings. Your nieces/nephew need to get a job, doesn't have to be full time, but they can still help you with this and that, but write it down, and pay rent if they are doing nothing else. Otherwise, I would send them on their way. If they are ignoring you but living in your house and not paying for rent, then they have figured out they have a good deal. Even your sister could find some work or friendship outside the house. Start looking up what is available to you wherever you live, if you can afford it get someone to come in other than family to do a chore or two. I imagine your government offers things for disabled seniors and certainly, get the disability and SS worked out and applied for. I can't imagine what their their reason might be. Be firm, don't be afraid and tell them it is necessary. Your brother who is mentally impaired might need someone to do it for him, or get him a social worker who can handle the process. In fact, get a social worker for you and your sister so you have someone that knows what they are doing and can see what needs to happen. Don't let your family talk you out of it. This has to be up to you. It is no fun to be cared for by someone who shows that he/she doesn't want to do it. And you need company other than your family. It isn't healthy to have the same people there all the time. Now, I don't know you. ARE you demanding or unpleasant or ungrateful for the help. Are you gracious about it. Maybe you set the tone, I have no idea, but you have a lot of options. Call your church, meals on wheels if you have that,(just for you), call the office for aging/and or disabled. There are many organization that could help, some voluntary, that could organize things better and if they can't they can tell you who to ask. But you are at the helm, even if you are disabled. Say how you would like things to work, who and when you want people there, and get someone to help you to say it if you are afraid. I imagine you feel scared to take control so if there is any kind of abuse, physical or emotional, call the police.

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We think alike. I know it's scary, but it's important.

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No. I'm a quad too. I come from a good family, but we're all over the place. even so, they help when they can. I recently had to have repairs done on my electric wheelchair. even though my oldest sister is living elsewhere works 12-13hrs and just got through nursing her husband through cancer, thank God he's cancer-free now, both she and my brother have gone beyond expectation. I'm also involved with The Center For The Aging, which is a non-profit organization that advocate for the disable.
Check in the blue government pages of your phone directory if you don't have internet access. if you do, go to a website that list all agencies for help for the disabled. they may be able to point you in the right direction.
Good luck.
Colleen Pell

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I think you need to figure out how much your care would cost if you had to pay for it privately. Lots more than family not paying rent.

I think you may need to look into Skilled Nursing. You are not going to improve. You will have a lot more health problems that you cannot expect your siblings to take care of as time goes on. Sell your flats to help with your care. If you can find a nice place, you may find you will enjoy it. Skilled Nursing has activities, entertainment. People do for you because that is their job, not because they feel they have to to keep a roof over their heads. See if you can find a place with people like you. Maybe where u have ur own room with a Common area.

Its time for your family to fend for themselves. Especially the nieces and nephews that should be old enough to be on their own. Everyone should be collecting what they are entitled to. If blind sister is under 62/65, she should go for SS disability. Brother with mental problems should too. The ones that care for you can give free rent. But the ones that do no care, should be paying something. Nieces and nephews over 18 not going to College need to be paying. And if none like this, then they can find another place to live and you can rent out the flats.

I would not do anything without talking to a lawyer first because you have let this go too long. You should have set up something when they first came to live there.

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The post talks about family living for free off the home owner who has the only income. They live for free and don't really want to help this person who is footing the entire bill for everyone. So comparing a bunch of free loaders to what in home care would cost doesn't seem to be the issue to me.

It would be better to find a person who doesn't have income and needs a place to live AND is more than willing to help out a little for the free room and board. I'm sure there's lots of folks who would accept that deal

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Absolutely NOT asking for a lot. The sister with sight issues and the older sister who is at the age to draw retirement both need to get signed up for their benefits. There is absolutely no reason for them to live there free when they are eligible for benefits that could contribute to the household. A meeting is in order with no excuses as to why they don't get the application process started. - At 67, you just sign up online to get SS going. For sight, you can start the process online and submit medical records to back up the disability.

You do need some help. Your siblings have become freeloaders, basically, because you allowed it. It's time to change. If you were not supporting 6 other people, your money could probably pay for someone to come in to handle the things you need to have done. I cannot imaging living at someone's house for free and being vocal about what I don't want to do for the free room and board.

Family meeting: You can't continue to support 6 people. Either each of them takes on enough tasks to run the entire household and your needs (because they choose to remain in your house) or they need to be thinking about another place to live. In the real world, each of them would have to pay rent, clean house, cook meals, tend to daily chores. Just tell them you can no longer afford to take care of people who enjoy your income but don't really want to reciprocate in any way. We all have choices.

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Is your sister who is delaying her pension waiting until she is older so she can collect more per month? That is common with Social Security--I don't know if it applies to private pensions.

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Get outta there! Seems like you're a willing victim and you deserve better:

https://www.assistedliving.org/assisted-living-options-for-people-with-disabilities/

https://www.ssa.gov/benefits/disability/

Contact ADULT PROTECTIVE SERVICES in your area and request a welfare check on yourself and a social worker to assist you in a successful self-placement. I'm not sure if you need a nursing home or an Assisted Living facility.

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She owns the flats

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Make them pay rent or leave. You can use the money to hire help for you.

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Does anyone work? Looks unlikely with the 24/7 help required. Perhaps you need to sell all your property and move into assisted living facility. Sorry about your family, but without income, they really cannot support themselves, let alone you.

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Perhaps you should do a cost analysis of what it would take to have a live-in caregiver 24 hours per day.

That may put things in perspective. If you feel resentment from your sister, it might be that she feels that she is a non-paid servant.

If you feel that what is happening is inequitable, you should call an attorney and set a contract in place.

As a caregiver who is not paid for 24-hour assistance, I see things from the other side but I certainly understand the frustration from your side as well.
It might be beneficial to consider assisted living. You would always have your needs met and there is plenty of company to interact with. Your sisters need to look into their ss asap.

Good luck

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“Quadriplegia refers to paralysis from the neck down, including the trunk, legs and arms”. This includes the HANDS. If this quadraplegic is “on my phone or tablet watching movies, paying bills ”, he has some very tricky (and extraordinarily expensive) electronic gear operated by face movements. He hasn’t mentioned this at all.

This post is most probably a scam. OP hasn’t explained his unusual abiities, his literacy is high with none of the abbreviations a quad would normally make for simplicity’s sake, and OP hasn’t replied to anything. His behavior as put forward in the question is unintelligent, and out sinc with his language. However we do get trolls, and they get a lot of fun thinking that they are so clever to fool people.

Please stop replying, wasting your time, making some jerk snigger, and bringing the site into disrepute.

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I agree with you. Most likely a troll.

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You can ask, but they may not give. Get connected with a local social worker to discuss your issues. Maybe you and the social worker can help your siblings collect what they are entitled to, and you may be entitled to aid that you may not know about. Sometimes hired aides are more dependable than relatives. All the best to you!

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Nancy, please read the above post.

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Uselesz: Something seems amiss.

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I'm quadriplegic and need assistance. Am I wrong to ask for help from my siblings who live with me and pay nothing?

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