My mother, age 86 and of sound mind and "ok" health, has been living with me and my roommate since last October. She has her own room and in-home assist every day. But its the evenings after my work, weekends, and ongoing "anger" over my having lost my "freedom" that is making me act so different towards my mother and I am concerned this will eventually lessen my love for her. We have always been very close. I have spoiled her all of my life, however, I left "home" at age 19 and began my career at a city about a 4 hour drive from my mom. (My father is deceased.) So I would visit my mom every month, take her on wonderful yearly vacations, etc etc. This new life is very difficult. I am more fortunate than most and I know this. I still have a demanding full-time career which I have refused to even consider giving up to take care of my mother. My career is my "life-line" out of the home and affords a little bit of balance. My resentment stems from not having a vacation for soon 4 years and not having the freedom to go out to dinner at night without making arrangements for her care. I never had children so call me selfish but I have always been a "career" woman and never wanted kids. Now I have a dependent child. I have no family support. They all live out of state and even when I take my mother to visit her "home" in Pennsylvania every month to see her "family," they are useless. I can't depend on any of them. They are inept and so I have given up on any useless family support. I hate taking my mother to Pennsylvania. I get so angry and depressed on the drive that I have ignored her completely when driving in terms of talking to her. I always ensure she gets the very best care so that is not an issue. I do my "other job" I feel commendably. The issue is I am not the same "daughter" I was as I am resenting this situation more and more. I will have her live with us as long as I can safely care for her and provide her with a quality of life. But like so many others, I have given up a portion of my life and frankly I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined that at age 61 soon 62 this would be my life. I fought for my mother tirelessly up to and through her open heart surgery. I took 3 months off from work to live, eat and breathe staying at the hospital and skilled nursing facility and then continued being with her every step of the way when I had her relocated to Maryland. I drove 33 miles one way after work to Baltimore to be with her and on weekends at a chronic care facility in Baltimore. She adores her son who I so very much resent. I can no longer even begin to let her know my feelings because she gets made so I have resigned myself to having a "superficial" relationship with her. I take her to all of her medical appointments; I ensure she has in-home care; I take care of all of her bills/paperwork. As I told my roommate recently, I don't want to look at my life as "well when my mother is gone, then I can travel and have a quality of life." That is not a healthy feeling. I want to be able to travel now and know that my mom will be ok at home with in-home care. My mom has a trache. I take good care of cleaning it. My mom said she doesn't want anyone working on her neck but me. I said but mom, what is the picture in your mind about me ever taking a vacation?. Bottom line is she is selfish. Has always been. She truly feels I should put my life on hold while she is alive. This makes me feel angry and so when I can't stand it anymore, I go up to my room or just have some alone time. Most times I provide her with excellent care and sometimes I try to take her shopping once a weekend and out to dinner, but those trips to Pennsylvania bum the heck out of me. I promised my mom I would take her,weather permitting, to her home in Pa once a month. I am the only one to give her any quality of life. I am going to try to find a counselor to simply listen to me. No one can fix any of this. If my mother were in a nursing home for me it would be worse. I would be there constantly and her care would not be up to par llike I provide. So this is a never ending story for now. How very sad though. I appreciate this support group and want eveyone to know it has helped me. Thank you.
I'm very similar to you. Your history could be mine. Know you're not alone, that many of us career women without children, now caring for aging mothers, feel the same resentment, angst and stress as you also, I might add, the guilt for feeling the resentment. You're right that there are few answers, but there are ways to lessen some of the stress like this great site. Also, seeing a counselor helps, meditation and having at least one good girl friend who'll listen and understand when you need to vent. Good luck!
The best advice I can give you is to find someone who will listen and to take time when you can. Good Luck. My prayers are with you.
We constantly go to doctors appointments for one ailment or another, but then she doesn't do what the doctors tell her to do. "It's too hard". Every time we go out she has to have a large chocolate frosty from Wendy's and then is surprised every time we go to the doctor and she has gained weight.
I'm an only child but I have a cousin who generously offers to help but "Mom doesn't like her". When I hire some one I'm "Shuffling her off to strangers"
Good question how do we get over the resentment?
But regarding your resentment, you are not alone and you have to find the strength to stop feeling guilty. You touched on some things that so closely mimic my situation that I truly can relate to your feelings. I am 56 with a 77 yr old mom living with my husband and I "because she was afraid to live alone any longer".
Well, I drank that kool aid and we brought her in. Now, she does have chronic, severe COPD that requires medical attention and she is on breathing treatments 4 times per day. Recently, the doc put her on 02 to wear whenever she is up moving around for more than 10 minutes. She never wears it because "she doesn't really need it" but just walking from her room to the kitchen you can hear her huffing and puffing!
She wasn't in my home 2 weeks when she made me so angry, I cannot even speak to her. My best friend came to visit for a week and mom acted like a brat because we did not ask her to go run around with us whenever we went somewhere. In the first place, she could not have kept up with us, in the second place, this is MY friend, and thirdly, I have not had a vacation in the 15 yrs since my dad died because I would use up every hour of PTO running to Florida to take care of her when she would get sick.
My only sister told me years ago, don't count on me, I want nothing to do with her, so I have no help either.
The only difference in our two spoiled mothers is that mine still drives, goes out to lunch and gets her nails and hair done all the time and is currently ON VACATION in North Carolina with my uncle and cousin. So I completely understand your anger and resentment. You need to take the advice of the above responders and live your life. I am going to do the same. In 6 years, I will be 62 and mom will be 83 and most likely, really need someone at that point. My advice to my mom is going to be to let me finish my career, enjoy my husband and my family and friends while I still can or she is going to find herself on her own.
Good luck to you......
You have nothing to feel guilty about and have gone above and beyond. Its time now to have a sit down with your mom and tell her you need more help and love her and if she allows outside help -- that this will in turn give the two of you more quality time together. She'll balk but you need to say this is the plan, make a plan and then both agree to stick to it for 60 days and then re-evaluate.
Secondly, you need a vacation as others suggested. Tell her you are taking one alone with friends and will make arrangements for skilled care. Then go away; and have a friend or neighbor check in; you just go on vacation and don't look back or call in.
Thirdly, tell her that PA trips are too much anymore. That you will take her 3x per year going forward or whatever; or tell a sibling, cousin or whoever they have to meet you halfway and bring her back halfway.
You can't go on giving up your life for this. We don't owe our parents -- they should want our happiness too and should be open to allowing us time to live our lives.
You can't be your best self (to your mom, or career, friends) if you don't take care of yourself emotionally and physically.
I know exactly how yu feel. I took care of Mom and Dad going on two years and I used to say, "Man, I was just planning to move out and move to Colorado." At that time, I had resentment, anger, love, anxiety, guilt, frustration, etc....Then.....Dad got really bad and had to go into a care home. Long story short--they called us too late and Dad died all alone. Now......there are so many regrets I carry with Dad. I am the youngest and the baby of the family with the most love and compassion and closeness to them as you are. Soon after, like one month, Mom got the diagnosis that her cancer from two years before had spread and w/o chemo, she would have 6-9 months. She is too old, frail and weak to take the chemo...it would kill her sooner. So I took care of Mom till she got so bad that we had to put her into hospice. I wanted her to pass at home, but she needed emergency medical care that me and my caregivers could not provide. I want to tell you that you are doing a job that WILL be HONORABLE to you in the end. You will NOT regret what you are doing now. Though you cannot see it now....as I could not see it then...I know it is difficult to see this now.....but not having Mom and Dad in this big house [before when I wanted to get away from them] I cry and pray every morning because I miss them so much. Every day I wish they were still here healthy as before. Every day I wish that I appreciated them more, every day I look into the past and how I cared for them and how I could of done a better job. Everyday....everyday. This will be a great learning experience for you...you will find this truth out in the end, as I did. I learned more about myself, my life, my Lord, my priorities in life, my family, this year of the most wicked pain and hardship of 2012. And I couldn't of learned it with out all the hardship and pain. Can you get caregiver help weekly or a couple of times a week? Can you get the caregiver help as soon as you arrive home from work so that you can put your feet up and have time for yourself and let the caregiver go home when Mom falls asleep? Can you put your Mom in day care when you go to work?
I'm sorry that your useless siblings do not help. They shall reap what they sow and are missing out on the most beautiful part of your Mom's life----being with her journey toward heaven and Jesus Christ...which is far better than living on this earth. Accept your role in your life now... its only for a season. Resentment only brings on more anger and more frustration, which can lead to emotional breakdown.....as I had in the past. Just do what you can do and you cannot do any more than you are able. God understands this and He is the most important entity that will enable you to do it. No human being can help you the way God can. He was and still is my strength. Me, the most financially weakest and mentally fragile in the family turned out to be the strongest and most loving and compassionate. Strength comes in many different forms.......God does not make mistakes, if he chose you for this role, there is always a great reason. You cannot see it now.....but you will in the end, I promise.
I found your response heartfelt. Having been a primary caregiver for both of my parents, I understand the exhaustion and sense of isolation. However, you are a wonderful person with a big heart, your family members are blessed to have you in their lives. I think you will have your time in the future --just try to improve or maintain your health in the meantime.
I do agree however, that the primary caregivers around our nation are never given the credit they deserve. Their work is priceless to our country.
Elizabeth
Abandonment
Isolation
Depression
Resentment, etc., and on and on,,,,
So where do we go from here?... I think acceptance is the key, accepting the new norm, and then I'm going to not expect anything from anyone, which will be a new norm also. Siblings do not want to be burdened for whatever reason, but like I said before there are heros out there from all walks of life and i do believe we will all be better and more compassionate after this is over, if it ever is.
I wish my mother would want to participate in any kind of outside activities but she is slowing down physically and is deaf in one ear.
I think you and your mom need some activity time, something fun together and separately so you have more things to discuss.
As far as your relatives.... take your mom to see them but maybe every month is too much for you. Can your relatives come and visit your mom every other month? Expect nothing from them and then you will not be surprised by their non-interest. My brother has told my mom that he wants nothing to do with her after they had a falling out. I was not involved in their falling out but now have no help taking care of my mom and her house. But that's on my brother. He has that to live with in his life.
It sounds as if you are doing a great job for your mom. You are a good daughter. Please love your mother for the time she is here. You will look back when she is gone and have good memories to remember her by. Your relatives are missing out, just as my brother is.
I hope some of my suggestions have helped you a little.