Angry at dad's denial of mom's condition when so obvious.
My mom is in hospice care with advanced COPD. She moved into memory care nearly two years ago after dad died. I have been contacting people who I knew were her friends to let them know of mom's decline. I have found it disheartening to hear from a number of mom's friends who said they had become concerned about mom's "memory problems" they began noticing over six years ago. One friend told me that my mother called her every day for one week and repeated the exact same story each day. She was alarmed because she did not think my dad was aware or was trying to cover it up. That was over five years ago. She said a few times my dad took the phone away from my mother mid-conversation. She wanted to reach out to someone else in the family about her concerns but did not know how to reach anyone. Other friends said they would run into my parents around town, and my dad would quickly whisk mom off and into the car. They said he was very protective of her and were concerned about what was happening. A few others said they "heard mom had Alzheimer's" from someone else. It was obvious to me in 2017, nine years ago, that my mother had dementia. Her "forgetfulness" was too extreme. Mom and dad refused to get an official diagnosis. I would tell my dad what I thought, and he would get angry. My dad refused outside help. There were times I would see their house in disarray the last few years, and my dad would literally take a mop or a dish rag out of my hands and tell me to go sit down. I could not have a partner in my dad to develop a care plan when he would not even talk to me. Instead, dad ended up with heart failure and was too overwhelmed by his own condition to handle his life. He and mom lived in a cluttered home, likely mis-managed medications, and when he was hospitalized, I moved mom into an ALF. I feel by my dad denying the obvious, he deferred an escalating mess to me to handle. I do not want to let him off the hook. He would have seen, more than anyone, what mom's condition was each day, and he chose denial. Hearing from their friends recently who clearly knew and discussed it with others makes me think how profoundly ineffective my dad was. This was not a "love story" of an elderly man caring for his wife. It was a choice of denial, fear and ineffectiveness. To me, he left a lasting image of how you fail a spouse and entire family.
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My mother could not see it in my father - her husband - until he was gone and she had time to reflect. She thought he was lazy, not that he honestly could no longer remember how to do the things she thought he ought to be doing.
Spouses I know, myself included, tend to see each other as we were when we first met and fell in love. It’s hard to see change and decline, especially if it is gradual. Denial is very real, too. My mother certainly had that about my father’s condition.
You have my sympathies, but anger and resentment won’t change what was, but it will hurt you.
It's time to move on and learn from your parents what not to do if and when something similar happens in your own life.
Holding on to this bitterness is like you drinking the glass of poison and expecting your dad to die. It will only kill you, plus your dad is already dead.
Your dad for whatever reason chose to protect his wife even if it was to her detriment. You can't change that. Time to let it go, and just enjoy whatever time you may have left with your mom.
You don't have to let your dad off the hook. In effect, both mom and dad left you holding the bag. You have to remember that your parents were scared and in denial and that is common in ill elderly people.
I also hope you understand it wouldn't have changed all that much if they got a diagnosis. Dad would still have denied reality. He was an uncooperative senior, of which there are many, and you couldn't have done anything about it. There is no real treatment for dementia, so earlier diagnosis would not have done much either.
You would not have had a care plan partner in your dad as that is not how he handled things. If he was taking rags out of your hands to stop you from cleaning up, what difference would it make if Lindy Loo from down the street was able to contact you and say mom was repeating herself? You were there enough to see they weren't in good shape based on your comment.
Your parents could have made this easier by having plans in advance. But they didn't. So you and your dad did what you could at the time. With denial, depression and cognitive decline on both of their parts (even if dad didn't have dementia other conditions can lead to loss of cognitive function) they only had so much capacity to tackle these end of life issues.
I really hope you will take advantage of grief counseling offered by hospice. I think you will find lots of people transfer the huge sadness of our parents declining and dying into anger at other things. You'll hear it when people come here angry at hospice or a doctor for "killing their parents" when in reality that is not what happened. Not trying to dismiss your feelings, just letting you know it's normal to feel this way.
I'm sorry for all you're dealing with and wish you some peace in your heart with all of this.
Just seeing others tell me recently what I knew years ago makes me feel like he abandoned the ship. Regardless of whether this is common or not, I feel he was quite flawed when he tried so hard to present otherwise. After two years, that is mostly how I feel about him.
That is all. Thanks again.