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I am in my third year of caregiving and just turned 59 (so I had to update my user name. My dad's health is worse, he obviously has dementia. He is having problems thought processing and the short term memory is going, going. . .not completely gone but on it's way. I do not use the "D" word with him, when he makes comments like "I'm losing my mind," or "I'm going crazy," I usually reply, "You're mind is getting a little slow." He has now announced that I am trying to make him believe he is "nuts" (not my word, that is what he calls people with dementia/Alzheimer's.) Continuous pressure sores on his bottom he will not change position or get up, gets upset if I remind him. Have I mentioned he is 6' 4" and almost 300 lbs? I can't move him. I am tired of the negativity around my home, people have even said there is a negative vibe here. So I make sure he is fed, takes his pills, is dressed and then go about my day. I no longer get bugged if he wants to spend half the day at the kitchen table, not worth arguing about, I go about my chores and check in to make sure he is not on the floor. More often than not, there is little conversation. Getting me angry is a control device for my dad, I finally told him I am not afraid of him anymore (that only took about 40 years!) I felt new, empowered. I respect him because he is my parent, but he demands it. We call him King Farouk!! I wish he could respect me. Does anyone else have the angry, demented senior? I have heard there are happy ones out there. Thanks for listening to me, sorry to complain but sometimes, you gotta get it out. Is this just me?????????????

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Taking care of an aging parent is no fun. As a 62 yr old female taking care of my 87 yr old mother, I can certainly sympathize. My mother thinks she is entitled to be sarcastic, rude and downright mean. Controlling to the extreme and enjoys confrontation. She actually feeds off it. I don't know why aging parents become like this, but reading all these comments seems to help ME cope from day to day. You are right to make a stand with your dad and let him know how he hurts your feelings, leave him alone and let him dwell on that. When he sees that his words cannot anger you, he will stop. It worked for me. Don't ever let him control you again. Live your life and let him deal with his.
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Men don't need conversation. They actually enjoy a lack of it. There was a very popular pub here named "The Silent Woman".
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Get dad to a geriatric doctor ASAP for a complete review. It may not be dementia. It could be an infection. Other things can mimic dementia, and why let it go when it could be better? If it is a dementia, you need to know what kind. It matters. Alzheimers doesn't have the same progression as Lewy Body or Vascular. The treatment plans are different. Aricept is not the right pill for everything. You need to get more information from professionals ASAP.

This is just my opinion, but this situation is not healthy for either of you. It sounds like he is not getting the care and activity programming someone in his situation requires. How can he? You are not trained or equipped for that. Have you considered long term care residence for him?

Cognitively, conversation becomes quite difficult for lots of reasons depending on what is causing the cognitive impairment. The anger becomes worse. Soon it's all there is unless something different happens.

Ask yourself what value there is in having your home be your sanctuary, the safe place you can land at the end of a day and recharge. How can it be that if dad is there all the time, requiring something 24/7?

Get dad seen by a geriatric professional, even a neuro-psych evaluation, full scans and bloodwork to figure out what's going on inside him. Then you can plan for the future.
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My dear husband died 4 years ago and 15 months ago, I had to move his mom into my house. She (my MIL) has alzheimers and is angry and mean.
Sometimes I look at her on the other side of the room ...........and wonder how it happened that she is sitting there in place of my wonderful husband. :(
So I understand.
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59, this is a tough nut for you if dad is making the house payments. Is this hid house or yours? I would make due via a visit to an elder care atty, that you and dad have all you ducks in a row if he needs medicaid support doen the road
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lilbug, bless you!
I have a Roho cushion for his bottom, no matter how good it gets, he won't move around. Dad has been in the chair since 1996 when he had the heart attack, he never went back to his bed. So, it is hard now because even a doctor visit where he must lay down is a pain. He does keep a little pocket calendar, I have offered a big calendar and clipboard, no use. I keep a big one one fridge, everyone can see it and his appointments are highlighted. I think you are right, just the progress of the disease.
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300 lbs, pressure sores, and won't get up? How is he toileting? Can you get him a Roho cushion?

Is he diabetic too?

Big sigh. You obviously can no longer expect him to be reasonable, and setting limits is hard to say the least but you are trying and that may be all you can do. What is going on now at your place is a recipe for disaster too, though!!
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Wow, great answers from everyone! Dad does have and use his Roho cushion faithfully, he is borderline diabetic. Actually, this is my home. After a nasty bout of MRSA in 2012, the doctor gave him 3 choices: nursing home, 24/7 in home care or move in with (fill in the blank.) I pulled the short straw out of 5 siblings. I lost my job 4 years ago when my mom went into a nursing home, I guess it made sense to have him here as I was not finding work. Hubby agreed, we have the room, here he is. Sandwich, thanks for the advice about a neuro-psych! My friend took her willing father to one so they could see where he was mentally. I love to do that but he is not willing. After today's 2 doctor visits, I tried to start a quiet conversation about yesterday. He said that he "thought I said the senior center wanted to come Wednesday to make up for Monday." "I am not a 6 year old school boy!!" I asked him to call and make sure he was not on the pick up list, he did, and he was not. Then I think he realized it was his misstep. He never apologizes, whatever. This is what I am sick of, being the object of his anger because he cannot remember, poor thought processing and PRIDE! He says, "Pride. That is one of the worst sins. . ." I left him with that thought.
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Going for a neuropdych is just to get a baseline of where his cognitive functioning is now. It really helps if down the line, he has a stroke ir other event. It makes it much easier to prove, legally, that there is damage.
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There's different ways to work around a beligerent person who refuses things that are good for them. You pretty much need to know what their motivators are.

The ones that worked with my highly confrontational, aggressive, and beligerent mother were things that might get her benefits or money.

I got some compliance out of her for doctor visits because "they were necessary to make sure she was getting all her benefits and not missing anything".

You can promise a reward at the end.

At some point, the person's unwillingness to cooperate will be their downfall - and yours. You do NOT want social services to get you on a charge of negligence. There is precedent for this in the courts. I will have to look for the case, but a few years ago in one of the US Southern states, adult children were convicted of abuse & neglect despite the fact their mother was a mean, controlling, loud, abusive woman. The mother had not moved off the sofa in years, toileting on it, a spring had come loose and gone into her leg. She was demented, and had a host of other problems because of this. She had her adult children totally cowed their whole lives long. Their excuse was they had been brought up to mind their elders, and that they were afraid of the woman. The judge ripped them both a new "vent-hole" for not having better sense.

My fear of the law was bigger than my fear of my mother's outbursts and behaviors if I took control.

They are only in the power position if you let them be. Expect cussing, swearing, lashing out, names, probably a physical struggle.

Get a social worker to help you get on top of the situation at home. They will come into the home and take an assessment. You will definitely need in-home assistance and possibly transportation service to get Dad to the doctor's visit he so desperately needs. Health insurance and medicare will probably cover some of the cost, if not all. It can be done, but it will take some planning on your part to get things in motion.
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