Mom will be 90 next month. Has been living with us for three years since we moved...she didn't want to stay in her place in another state. Before moving in with us, she was always having issues with GI issues (being polite)...found out she was using outdated food items, eating things that should have been tossed, etc. Wonder why she was sick, right? Since moving in with us, those issues have resolved because we make sure everything is fresh and nothing is left out where it could spoil. She has had some respiratory issues and now has issues with arthritis in her back. She has become extremely nasty, argumentative, critical & verbally abusive to my husband (who is less than one-year out of a cancer diagnosis and surgery, along with vision issues). She has difficulty with her memory, finding her words, balance and so on, but refuses to comply with doctors suggestions (physical therapy, memory care evaluations, walking, etc.). She is never satisfied with anything (food, hearing-aids...pick one). Has implied we never give her enough to eat, yet will not avail herself to the food we have on hand (she says it's not hers despite from day one being told whatever is in the house is hers)...acting like she is stealing something if she takes it from the freezer. Will buy her things to eat that she asks for or we know she likes, but then she doesn't touch it. We have thrown out more food than we want to think about...then she gets mad because we threw it out. It's getting harder and harder for my husband and me to deal with her. She literally thinks she should be waited on...as in, we should serve her. She hides in her "den" and only comes out when we tell her the meal is ready. As soon as she is done "shoveling" her food down her throat, she jumps up from the table and heads back to her space, regardless of how many times we have asked her to stay at the table to chat or join us to watch TV (especially when she's watching the same thing we are). She just fell last night and, despite the fact we thought she should go to the hospital, she started crying and carrying on that she didn't want to go to the hospital (not the first time she has done this). We are more than concerned about her being rational and understanding that there are certain things we cannot do for her or treat her for. We're actually afraid something is going to happen to her and someone is going to accuse us of elder abuse or negligence. My brother-in-law hasn't seen my mother-in-law in over three years and hasn't called in I have no idea how long. No help there. We can't do anything or go anywhere (except out to dinner on Saturday evenings...a fact that she gets all twisted about telling us she isn't wanted). We don't know what to do or where to turn. We're not trying to kick her off a cliff or anything, but we've sadly begun to wonder how long she's going to hang around. Any ideas, suggestions? Anything would be appreciated. Sorry this is so long.
If she fell and didn't get hurt, I see no reason that she needed to go to the hospital. If she was bleeding a lot or hurt, of course, you would take her even if she cries her eyes out. We used to have to counsel my MIL to NOT call 911 JUST because she fell. OK, you fell. Are you OK? Did you hit your head? No? OK, just relax and give it a minute to assess the situation. Cut down so much on her ER visits. Now she's 95 and in a nursing home because she chose it instead of staying in her own apartment.
I would not buy her any special food anymore. Yes, there should be some food she likes to eat but I would think she would be happy enough with some of the foods you regularly buy and serve.
I think I read that she has dementia - if so, that explains most of her behavior.
It is REALLY hard when they will not comply with doctor's suggestions for how to improve their situation. If she has dementia, could your husband try to gently just tell her that she is going to this appointment, etc. instead of asking her? She really probably does not know what is best for herself anymore. PT can come to the house if taking her out is an issue.
To get her memory evaluated (or anything else that could/should) be done - some use a theraputic lie to get the LO to cooperate. Something like the doctor said you need to go to this appointment. Don't have to go into a lot of detail. Or that it's required by Medicare.
Are her affairs in order? Does hubby have POA for when she is not capable? Does she have a will, living will, etc.?
These things are really hard to deal with. I know, as do many others here, from first hand experience.
Get yourself some help so you have more time to do things by yourself and/or with your hubby. If she won't allow help, hire someone to be there to cook and clean for a few hours and maybe spend some time chatting with her.
Good luck.
We've only had her to the ER twice since we moved to where we are now, which turned out to be the right move because she had pneumonia both times requiring extended hospital stays and one stint in rehab. Once we got her to the hospital both times, and the doctors/nurses got a good read on what was going on, they took over and did what needed to be done. When she was a little more aware, she was angry and wanted to leave, but she needed to be on IV antibiotics, have nebulizer treatments and meds to bring down her fever; the hospitalist was having none of her nonsense and the social worker they brought in told her that she needed to allow the doctors/nurses to help her and, if she decided check herself out and leave, they couldn't be held responsible. She didn't like that either.
Her doctor has made several attempts to speak to her, under the guise of having to ask different things because it was required for Medicare, but she told the doctor she didn't like being asked questions and wasn't going to answer them. She told the doctor she was just being nosy. The doctor also mentioned a memory eval as being required, due to her advanced age, but again, she shut her down and told the doctor she wasn't doing it. I have to add, as an aside, when she had fallen several times in her previous home, EMS came b/c her life alert called them and took her to the hospital. After her stays, social services sent in home nursing people and physical therapists...and MIL threw them out. Said they were nosy, asked too many questions and she didn't need their help.
We do have all the appropriate paperwork. Hubby has POA, is her health-care guardian, she has a DNR and living will. However, unless she is determined to be unable to make decisions on her own, we can't force her to do anything. Kind of hard to get a true determination when she refuses to allow the doctor to do or get the appropriate evaluations. If she even thinks there may be an insinuation she is not capable, she starts in on another whole tirade about how we're trying to get rid of her, she isn't wanted, we should have just left her where she was when we moved (it was her request to come with us because she didn't want to live there alone and was afraid to because she kept falling) and so on.
Thanks again for reaching out. I'm very glad to know that there are people, like yourself, willing to try to help another out with their situation. I'm grateful for your support and your suggestions.
Meds might help
Hpw much help do you have coming in?
As for help coming in? None. His brother won't even drag his behind down here for a visit, never mind help. She also doesn't like when she's needed to have nursing visits after her stints in the hospital and rehab. She has literally told them they ask too many questions and has told them to leave. Besides this forum, which I can see will be helpful in a number of ways for me, we really can't make her do anything unless we have her declared incompetent. However, she is mentally competent enough where she wouldn't be declared otherwise...although I can see that changing in the not too distant future.
I think your suggestion of doing what we have to do the next time she falls and/or hurts herself (i.e. calling EMT, etc.) is a great strategy and something I will do.
Thank you for your support, sharing your experience and your sage advice.
That's your best bet. Once MIL gets a real diagnosis, you go from there. I can tell you this; if she's dx'ed with dementia, it tends to become impossible to care for her at home (as you are starting to see) because they become belligerent, paranoid, and other ugly traits develop to the point where you cannot deal with them! My mother (soon to be 95) has fallen EIGHTY TIMES now!!! She lives in Memory Care Assisted Living (thank God) otherwise I'd be dead by now just from dealing with her histrionics and trying to pick her up after all those falls!
Talk to DH and both of you get on the same page about what to do. Get her diagnosed, then get her into a nice Memory Care ALF locally where you can go visit her and leave the hands on caregiving to the teams of young people who work 24/7 to accomplish the task. If she has no funds to private pay, then apply for Medicaid so she can be placed in a Skilled Nursing Facility nearby where you can visit at your convenience.
Wishing you the best of luck formulating a plan moving forward.