My mother is in her mid 80s with multiple chronic health conditions. She has been in SN for about 10 months now and still not accepting that she cannot live independently nor live with my husband and I. She operates in 2 modes: either negative complaints about her caregivers and the food, room temp, noise, etc. or wanting to know my every move - what my husband and I are doing, eating, planning every day. Even though I donated most of her former possessions to relatives, friends and charity, she still expects me to have held onto certain items of clothing, appliances, and household items and to bring them to her in SN. The facility is primo with the best state and federal ratings, and she wants for absolutely nothing. She is on Medicaid and has all of her needs met, but wants everyone to cater to her whims, especially me. And then she berates me and dumps her negativity and guilt-tripping with "You only have one mother". Please help...I have little energy left to live my life!
Mom is a hot mess of medical, cognitive and psychological conditions: has dementia, COPD from smoking 2+ packs of cigs a day, diabetes, clinical depression and other mental health issues, heart disease, chronic anemia and trouble maintaining weight, thyroid issues. And yes, I tried to do the care solo for the last several years (exhausted). Thankfully after spending down her assets (cost about $13,000-$14,000 a month, shocking but that is the price here) she is now on Medicaid.
She is in one of the best NH in our state. Mom's NH is fully staffed with board certified geriatric internists, psychiatrists, a cardiologists, neurologist, RNs, social workers, and others. There are dietitians on staff, mom gets to pick her own food options daily and all meals are delivered to her private room. There are many daily activities (exercise class 2 times a day, art classes, game room, book club, weekly bingo, outings on their beautiful grounds, daily movies in their activity hall, etc.)
Mom will have none of it. She will not leave her room. She has the TV blaring day and night. Keeps the blinds closed and the lights off. She complains about everything. Says they do not bring her her meds, they steal things, that she can take care of herself, that they do nothing for her. But of course it is all done for her. They have to shower her (she cannot do that now), but she tries to refuse showers. She tried to guilt trip me (her only child, dad passed when I was 14) and her 81 YO brother with his own health issues (6 other sibs all passed) to "bring her home," and has regular outbursts that "family are supposed to care for her till the bitter end," and that we are "mean to her" for NOT taking direct care of her.
Sadly, with dementia and her host of mental health issues there is no explaining reality. Her reality is her reality. She is getting the best care there. I have let go and accepted that the professionals should handle this now. Also, I need to protect myself from her constant lashing out. By assuring they are getting the best care possible, that IS CARING. Being a caregiver (be it a direct daily care giver or more remotely as is my case now) does NOT mean one has to become another's personal punching bag even if it is your own mother.
My advice: Let the calls go to voice mail, or block the number for a bit. The NH will call if there is a true emergency. My mom's cell receives text messages, so often I will text after she calls repeatedly (like 6 times in a row) and say, "I will call you next week."
Call during the morning (after breakfast and before activities or before lunch) as the longer the day goes many have "sundowning" or early evening anxiety issues. I have found avoiding any evening calls best due to my mom's sundowning.
When you do call or visit, limit the time and have a few upbeat things to talk about. I have found if there are voids in the conversation or too much time, that is when she goes negative and starts complaining, so I try to have 2 upbeat things to say and limit calls to 10 mins and visits to maybe 30 mins. Bring a snack/meal for them if allowed. Have an tablet (larger than phone) with pics of grandkids, pets, flowers to show them -- keep them occupied when visiting.
And if she goes negative and won't get off it; I just say I have to go or someone else is calling, someone rang the door bell, etc.; anything just to be polite but to end the call or visit.
Stretching out the calls/visits to longer times in-between has also helped me recover and to get back to living my own life.
I hope mom will acclimate to the NH/partake in their activities, but that's on her to choose.
Just ignore the phone calls for the most part. Call her on your time, and say goodbye and hang up if she starts complaining.
You know she's safe, having you at her beck and call at all times via the phone could be preventing her from acclimating to her new enviornment.
My kids all do it to me, and I am 65 and in good health. I know full well they can answer their phones, they simply choose when and where to answer.
I'm not offended by it. If I feel the call is important enough, I leave a message to get back to me ASAP. If not, I just say "call or text when you have a second".
The 'next generation' (and my kids are only just barely becoming middle aged!) does not like to talk on the phone. They text, which I hate, but I've adapted.
I ALWAYS let my mom's calls (infrequent as they are) go to voicemail first, then I listen to see what's needed and call her back when I can deal with her.
No need for guilt. This is now 'mom's problem' and if she has someone to complain to, she will. Just don't be that person!
Today was also my difficult day with an elderly parent in a Nursing home. I can certainly feel where you are coming from. I too have had to let calls go to voicemail, and am embarrased to admit that I have let my mail box stay full so he can't leave a terrible message - which he has been doing lately.
Don't accept that you are worth the bad behavior that you are on the receiving end of. If you have a faith, your God would want you to take time for you so you can be healthy and your best self. You may have only one mother but there is only one YOU! Get your energy back and reclaim your life. Do something that you have been wanting to do for a while.
Thanks for posting your message, it also let me know that I am not alone. I sometimes have to work overtime and have busy schedules, and my elderly father wanted me to come to his care facility immediately to give him his butterscotch candy and money (which he can't really spend anywhere, he has dementia and is wheelchair bound). He got angry when I said I couldn't go and said he was wasting his time talking to me.
Again, hoping you have a much better week and hope to hear that you regain your energy, you deserve it!
Hopefully at some point, something will *click* for her & she will concentrate more on the here & now. Engage in what she can. Make friends where she is. Take responsibility for her own happiness.
I don't have a magic answer but have observed this...
When folk want a beer, they go to the pub. If one pub is out of beer, they'll flock to another.
Attention & affection are real needs. But it is not up to you to supply 100% of her social needs.
For complaints, turn it around & ask what SHE can do about her problem? As you've seen, just listening to her problem 1. Doesn't solve her issue 2. Doesn't make her any happier 3. Gives a green light to more attention for more complaints.
For the nosyiness, only give out what you feel is harmless or 'need to know basis'.
My Mother started calling last year to ask what I ate for lunch. Ok one day. Then just became way too much! "Food" became my answer.
That behaviour may be driven by boredom. If so, letting your life be her entertainment may stop her trying to fill up her own days. Or it can be manipulation - little guilt hooks "oh I wish you'd invite ME" etc.
Make & accept less calls is what worked for me.
PS may sound harsh but the good news is she makes the best of it now. Seems to have accepted it is up to her how she feels 😊