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My MIL has been under my care for 4 weeks now and has flashed anger twice. I realize she is dealing with a LOT of loss, but would really appreciate knowing how to avoid these flashes of anger. It really rattled me. Thanks!
Lainey Thanks for coming back to give more information. I think your husband needs to be the one dealing with his mom when a health care worker comes in. This might help you and your MIL learn how to move past her fear which seems to trigger your own. There is a reason she is no longer in her last home and perhaps your DH was assuming a bit too much to think you could just fold MIL into your daily lives.
It sounds like she can understand what is going on, just not that she needs to comply in order to live in your mother’s home. I would be concerned for your mother as well. You have taken on a huge task to have your mom and your MIL to care for 24/7. Not many could manage this and it will only get worse as the disease progresses.
Hi 97yearoldmom, Thank you for replying and the questions. Yes, she has been formally diagnosed with dementia and the Hospice Nurse keeps referring to Alzheimer's. Her common law husband took her to live with him at his daughter's house in a neighboring state saying that he needed help caring for her. Four months later, he called my husband saying, "Come get your mother, we can't do this anymore." She also had two falls some years ago apparently resulting in TBI - her ability to speak began to do downhill pretty sharply after that - so she can't really tell me much about what she is thinking, feeling, wanting, needing etc. She will be 84 next month. I was already caring for my mother in her own home and it seemed the better choice to move MIL into same home rather than our us move back out and be running back and forth constantly - not being as available as needed for my mother. (My mother agreed that this was the better - though less than ideal choice). Last week I had told MIL the CNA was coming to help with a shower and she grabbed my arm and started jerking me back and forth asking how I'd like it..... I stayed calm and told her I would cancel the CNA. That I wouldn't force her to shower, but we needed to find a way to wash and stay clean. That seemed to calm her down. This week it may have had to do with the Hospice Nurse coming in. I had told her she was on the way..... and some minutes later, she was angry and throwing her arms around talking jibberish, "IF... YOU ....THINK ....I'M... GOING ...TO ...SIT... IN... THAT SLDEIRHEWOAG!!!!, she said pointing at the desk in her bedroom. The Nurse was not coming to give her a shower. The Nurse has never given her a shower.... but maybe that's what she was thinking??
Maybe the bigger question is how do I not let it rattle me so deeply? Yes, yes, I understand, the disease, the disease, the disease!!! So, if this is a indication of things to come, I've got to figure out how to roll with it instead feeling threatened and traumatized!!!
(I am so thankful for this forum! What a Godsend! Bless all of you in your journeys!)
Avoid and stay away...............that's my method. I refuse to spend an hour arguing over a paper towel or any other topic that implodes my husband. I look at it as a game of tug-o-war................whenever it starts up, I put my end of the rope on the ground and walk away. It's really difficult to argue with someone who isn't there, right?
Beautiful analogy - tug of war!!! drop the rope!! That is a very good visual image.
She was starting to feel resentful of my help, so, I've backed up a bit and I've started talking bout how her brain is playing tricks on her... she seems to understand that. I am quite amazed that how many times a day when she is trying to tell me something and can't she shrugs and says, "Oh well!" with a little laugh. WOW. Crazy hard.
Sorry life is so hard right now with your DH. Hope you are getting some time away and able to take joy in other aspects of life. Blessings.
Has your MIL been to her doctor since you have had her in your care? I see you posted under Alz and Dementia. Has she been formally diagnosed? Is this happening at a particular time of day, after an event or conversation that was particularly upsetting for her? Around a specific issue like meds, meals, bathing, dressing, toileting? Give a bit more information for better answers. Her age, why you are caring for her, where you are caring for her, etc. helps provide you with more helpful information.
How I've been dealing with the sudden anger is to not say a thing and let my husband say whatever he wants. It's like a sudden cloud burst (which just happened here) the rain is pouring down hard, then quickly stops. I've learned there is no "winning" any kind of argument, rational rationalization of what ever oddity comes out of their very altered mind set is not possible-ever. As an example-the other day, as we were driving past the local fair grounds, my husband blurted out-"well, it's Monday, it's supposed to happen Monday. You should know that", I didn't know what to say, and waited for him to add another concept, idea, sentance, thought, observation. So I'm thinking: "hmmm...maybe there's something going on at the fair gounds? Cause the way he just went off, made it seem like I was supposed to know all about this something or other going on Monday". Still don't know what that was all about. Oh well, I try to roll with it, so it doesn't roll over me-thank you cousin Ricky for that sage wisdom!
Dear Ariadnee, That is a very good reminder. Not to escalate the emotion of the moment. It always take me so by surprise that I'm at least momentarily speechless. I was able to not escalate it, but felt rattled by it after the fact - after she was calmed down I felt rattled. I need to do some inner work to not let it affect me so deeply. (my father used rage a lot to manipulate and control. sigh. really thought I'd worked through ALL of that. surprise!) Thank you for the reminder!!! : )) Lainey
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Thanks for coming back to give more information. I think your husband needs to be the one dealing with his mom when a health care worker comes in. This might help you and your MIL learn how to move past her fear which seems to trigger your own. There is a reason she is no longer in her last home and perhaps your DH was assuming a bit too much to think you could just fold MIL into your daily lives.
It sounds like she can understand what is going on, just not that she needs to comply in order to live in your mother’s home. I would be concerned for your mother as well. You have taken on a huge task to have your mom and your MIL to care for 24/7. Not many could manage this and it will only get worse as the disease progresses.
Thank you for replying and the questions.
Yes, she has been formally diagnosed with dementia and the Hospice Nurse keeps referring to Alzheimer's.
Her common law husband took her to live with him at his daughter's house in a neighboring state saying that he needed help caring for her. Four months later, he called my husband saying, "Come get your mother, we can't do this anymore."
She also had two falls some years ago apparently resulting in TBI - her ability to speak began to do downhill pretty sharply after that - so she can't really tell me much about what she is thinking, feeling, wanting, needing etc. She will be 84 next month.
I was already caring for my mother in her own home and it seemed the better choice to move MIL into same home rather than our us move back out and be running back and forth constantly - not being as available as needed for my mother. (My mother agreed that this was the better - though less than ideal choice).
Last week I had told MIL the CNA was coming to help with a shower and she grabbed my arm and started jerking me back and forth asking how I'd like it..... I stayed calm and told her I would cancel the CNA. That I wouldn't force her to shower, but we needed to find a way to wash and stay clean. That seemed to calm her down.
This week it may have had to do with the Hospice Nurse coming in. I had told her she was on the way..... and some minutes later, she was angry and throwing her arms around talking jibberish, "IF... YOU ....THINK ....I'M... GOING ...TO ...SIT... IN... THAT SLDEIRHEWOAG!!!!, she said pointing at the desk in her bedroom. The Nurse was not coming to give her a shower. The Nurse has never given her a shower.... but maybe that's what she was thinking??
Maybe the bigger question is how do I not let it rattle me so deeply? Yes, yes, I understand, the disease, the disease, the disease!!! So, if this is a indication of things to come, I've got to figure out how to roll with it instead feeling threatened and traumatized!!!
(I am so thankful for this forum! What a Godsend! Bless all of you in your journeys!)
Beautiful analogy - tug of war!!! drop the rope!! That is a very good visual image.
She was starting to feel resentful of my help, so, I've backed up a bit and I've started talking bout how her brain is playing tricks on her... she seems to understand that. I am quite amazed that how many times a day when she is trying to tell me something and can't she shrugs and says, "Oh well!" with a little laugh. WOW. Crazy hard.
Sorry life is so hard right now with your DH. Hope you are getting some time away and able to take joy in other aspects of life. Blessings.
Lainey
Give a bit more information for better answers. Her age, why you are caring for her, where you are caring for her, etc. helps provide you with more helpful information.
That is a very good reminder. Not to escalate the emotion of the moment. It always take me so by surprise that I'm at least momentarily speechless. I was able to not escalate it, but felt rattled by it after the fact - after she was calmed down I felt rattled. I need to do some inner work to not let it affect me so deeply. (my father used rage a lot to manipulate and control. sigh. really thought I'd worked through ALL of that. surprise!)
Thank you for the reminder!!!
: ))
Lainey