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Mom is Palliative lung cancer, still at home. I am her caregiver. My brother moved into Mom's basement apartment. Living rent-free. Was supposed to be in exchange for helping care for Mom, but the most he does is take out the garbage and occasionally order a pizza. I am there every day doing all the caring and all the giving (which will include giving him over half million $$$ when Mom passes from her estate.) Narcissist brother does nothing to help her... And spends most free evenings out with friends or on random internet dates while I'm cancelling plans and taking leave from work.

Any tips on how to get a son to give a F*CK about his Mother???

The resentment is becoming overwhelming. Thank you

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You are asking a person to become someone they are likely incapable of being. You deserve the help and care but it isn't in his nature. It would seem that your mother's days are numbered. I am so sorry you are going through this. My husband and I are both only children. His late mother was widowed early on and my parents divorced in my late teens. My mother is in SN and bedridden. It has always just been us dealing with mothers past 90 and ill. In essence that is the same with your situation. You could try and ask him to step up since the end may be near. Perhaps you could be as emphatic with him as you are in this post. Otherwise I think you just need to accept that sadly this is the reality and continue as best as you can. I hope you find the strength you need.
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What power do you have – POA? If you can, evict him unless he fronts up with help. Apart from that, try prayer!
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I am sorry you & your Mom are suffering.

Maybe for now, concentrate on Mom's care & on your own self-care.

You can't change other people. Including your brother. But you CAN charge rent if you are the home owner. If Mom is, well, maybe let Grifter Bro be until later.

There have been a few folks here that had to get legal advice to move on a failure to launch sibling. Charging rent, serving eviction etc. Or even selling a home with a adult in the basement.

What do you want more? His rent money? Or help with Mom?

If help, don't bother with him. He clearly has no apptitude for it. Start researching care agencies & start the process of getting reliable, professional help. Letting go of wanting sibling help is freeing. (Mine is busy cooking cakes...)

Find the help you need.

Then kick him out.
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How long has this been going on? Charge him rent. And pay yourself for the caregiving you do. He isn't going to change, but you can make things more equitable by making sure he gets less of the estate.

I was the sibling left to deal with it all (except one brother handled POA stuff). 3 brothers out of state. When it got to be too much, I requested compensation to the tune of $20/hour from the POA brother. (My mother did not live with me, and I didn't do any personal care/hygiene assistance.) I even got back-pay for the 2 years of increasing demands before that. It made a big difference to me, as I could take myself out of the emotional part of it and consider it to be a job.
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You need to give him a list of tasks to do in exchange for rent. Be very logical, factual and clear with him. How much would rent cost him? Let's hypothetically say $500 per month. Tasks he could do to earn his keep:
Put Garbage out every Tuesday night = $50 mo
Make mom's dinner daily and wash dishes = $200 mo
Vacuum & dust once a week = $100 mo
Pickup moms meds from pharmacy = $50 mo
Cut grass once a week = $80 mo
Throw in a load of moms towels once a week = $20 mo
Now we are at the break even point of "he has earned his keep". He can move out and pay someone else $500 which is pretty cheap or he can act like an adult and do the bare minimum for living there.
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Your brother is not going to do any more for your mother than he does now. Do not waste your time and energy even thinking about how to persuade him to do more. Do not torture yourself about money he may inherit. If there is an estate such as you describe, why are you not using some of that money to hire help for your mother's care. You may be trying to preserve her resources with inheritance (for both of you) in mind, but it is worth some expenditure to relieve yourself of all the caregiving. Spending some of your mother's money on her care would also reduce what your brother eventually receives from her estate. You could even calculate caregiving costs per hour or per day, and if your brother does not physically do his part, that amount of money comes out of his share of the estate. To !ake that stick you would need to set it up legally, but you get the idea.
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I too have a brother who is an alcoholic and lived with my parents for 3 years.  Rent free.  Never lifted a finger unless one of them had to go to the hospital.  I lived 50 miles away and traveled twice a week at least to help them.  So how did I handle it?  You all will probably laugh!  He wanted to go visit a friend out of state, so I helped and paid for his round trip ticket.  When he came back he decided to go live with them.  So I helped, and bought him new tires for his car.  After he left, my husband and my remaining brother found a senior living center closer to us.  We helped them move into the apartment, sold his home, secured funding because Dad was a veteran who qualified for benefits.  Cleaned up the house (two dumpsters plus!) and burned two weeks of vacation. Was it worth it??  Oh yes!  Dad and Mom now have a support of doctors, visiting nurses, and can engage with the senior community where they live.  And my brother?  He is living day to day, still drinking, getting kicked out of every place he has been to over the last year.  There is NO SPACE in my parents apartment for the grifter.  And my other brother and I have secured my parents account so he cannot get a dime of it unless Dad gifts it to him .  I'm glad I did it.  The enabling had gone on for years.
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You can change. Your brother does not have to change. Quite a few of the replies here have suggested just that. So, get all your affairs related to your mother in order. Including what your rights are as far as dealing with your brother's living in the basement in regards to eviction. Time to let go of any expectations of your brother's improvement, not going to happen.
Your anger is understanable, but has done nothing to change the situation, other than providing more stress to you, which as a caregiver is toxic. Time to re-asses this, speak to a therapist, and take care of your own well being. Mom is not going to live forever. What do you want your life to look like when she passes? That is a huge transistion phase, and really needs to be thought about, and perhaps some reasonable planning to have something nice to look forward to. 'Cause, even though it's dark at night, and we're struggling, there's always a new sunrise too. Life ain't perfect, but it's ok to be a bit optimistic too.
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No. You can't change other people. Ever. I am so sorry.
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Like many caregivers, you are doing the heavy lifting and it is natural for resentments to build when other siblings are not contributing. You can't change your brother's behavior, but you can take action:
1. Ensure your mom's estate is in order: My answers will assume you have Power of Attorney and were chosen to be the estate executor.
2. Get fairly compensated: You mention that your brother will receive an inheritance equal to your own but he will not have contributed to Mom's care. That hardly seems fair when you are doing all the work, right? To equalize the inheritance, ask your mom to have her attorney draw up a Personal Care Agreement (sometimes called a Family Care Contract) that spells out the duties that are performed by you and the compensation to be paid. You could probably find a sample online and draft it yourself. Mom must sign it and then send an original copy back to the attorney; keep another original for your files. Even better, have a notary come to the home to witness the signing - makes everything legal. Make certain the start date coincides with the start of care so that you can be paid retroactively. Spell out the terms of payment: caregiver fees can be pay-as-you-go or can be deducted from the inheritance once she is gone (keep detailed time logs). Note: In absence of a written/signed agreement, you cannot receive any compensation.
3. Change the Will: Your mother could change her will from a 50/50 split to a 60/40 (or some other configuration) if she's willing to do so. Doing so may cause her more stress though.
4. As POA, you can draw up a Tenancy Agreement for your brother: consult an attorney who can draft a tenancy agreement between your mother's estate (or Trust) to spell out the terms of your brother's tenancy, rent (or waiver of rent in exchange for specific duties), due dates, and the process for eviction. If he's been living free without any agreement, you'll have one heck of a time evicting him when mom is gone.
5. Set Clear Expectations: Create a "Care Calendar" to set expectations for when your brother is to be caring for mom and exactly what he is to do during those hours. Enforce it as best you can.
6. You can try to evict your brother now (again, use an attorney), but know that it will cause internal family conflict and take into account that you are already in a high-stress situation. Is it worth it?
Best of luck to you!
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Wow...same leach of a sister. You cannot change this. Your mother lives you all equally in her eyes and feels great guilt over your brothers incompetence. It reflects on her and she is enabling him. My mom is 92 so I decided to put up with it but I am the long distance big spender and problem silver...and slave to both if them. It is my choice of course. That's what I realized. I won't have guilt when they are gone...as my sister's relationship will end when my mother's deceased too. It's tough. I feel for you given my mom has nothing left to give from her estate since a lifetime of helping her alcoholic narcissist youngest has eaten up her home and other family members. If you can no longer be healthy, you need to make yourself scarce. This is the only way to force your brother to do something as he actually sounds healthy. My sister had breast cancer and is drinking and smoking herself to death even though she survived. She blames all of us for her life's bad decisions. I'm currently only visiting my mom and she will have to meet me in a neutral place now that I got her and ....into senior living. Otherwise, my sister can stay in her room.
Hope this helps. I feel best when I see neither of them but I call my mom twice daily and can tell from her voice if she has a bladder infection or becomes forgetful and needs iron. As long mom has agency if mind it is out of your hands. You can let her know how you feel as I finally did and she will cry but stuck up for the bad guy due to her guilt. Stop all contact with your brother if possible. It's sadly. Really their choice to be together and tolerate each other. You and I just make it easier for them...even though you know you love your mother so very much.
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A child is under no obligation to give up their life to care for a parent. Does not necessarily means they are a narcissist, nor a bad person.

With that said you can take steps to protect yourself and become fairly compensated for your work.
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If there is a million dollar estate, that has any liquidity now, spend money on helpers and care givers.
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Since he does not help, use his half of the money to hire help. Let him know that money for the extra help is coming out of his inheritance. Either he will start helping out more or raise a fuss about his inheritance. I would suggest it might be best to ask him to move out since he isn't living up to his end of the bargain. Get a lawyer involved to help.
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1. He will not change. He will not suddenly start caring about or for his mother. I speak from experience as cargiver for my mother and dealing with a narcissistic sibling at the same time.
2. Consult with a lawyer regarding this situation.
He can help you get your mother's legal " ducks" (docs)all in a row:
Does your mother have a legal will?
Does your mother have a durable power of attorney?
Does your mother have living will?
Has your brother signed a lease?
You need to prepare now - both for the good of your mother and yourself.
before your mother passes from earthly life.
3. Never underestimate how self-centered a naricissist can behave. Your brother may decide he wants even more once your mother has passed.
Things could get messy fast at what will be a very emotional time in your life.
4. Thank you for being a caregiver for your mother. She is fortunate you can be there for her. Cherish the time you have left with her.
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Torontoandtired: So sorry that your brother appears to be using an exploitation tactic. Does your mother possess a legal will? Perhaps you'll want to retain an elder law attorney.
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Coming to terms that your sibling may never be of much help and having a plan to get him out of the house may be the best way to spend any time focused on him. Find out what rights if any your brother has to remain in that house after your mother moves or passes. Charging rent, signing a lease, etc. may give him more rights than he has now and make it more difficult to remove him when the time comes. My brother moved in with our mother over five years ago because he needed help. Was supposed to be temporary so no rules, no rent, no end date were set and after all this time he is still like a guest. No interest or aptitude to be a caregiver or handyman to begin with and never grew into the role despite other siblings trying to convince him we really depended on him to at least keep us in the loop and communicate so we could work together to address health concerns, home repairs, etc. Our mother doesnt have the heart to demand he move out, but doesn't want him living in the house once she is gone...even if its just a short-term stay in rehab. (Of course she hasnt told him this.) We realized she will never get a fraction of the assistance from him that she needs or deserves given the accommodations she has made for him, so the other siblings all pitch in and help as needed, and we also hired an eldercare attorney, put the house in a trust, our mother or the co-trustee can give him a 30 day notice to vacate at any time and if he doesnt comply he starts getting charged $$ per month which will come out of his inheritance. We have accepted that he will provide very limited assistance, that he has been the beneficiary of significant help from our mother and instead focused on having better control/ some financials levers to pull related to the house when the time comes so that we do not have to get into a tug of war with him on top of everything else relative to our mothers care and/or estate.
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The one thing that you can do to help preserve your sanity is to forget getting him to help.
Get it into your mind that he will not help now or in the future.
Hire help,
If mom has half a million dollars use it NOW to help her and to help you.
Spend all that she has now on her care.
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