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I’m caregiver to my 74 year old husband. He has lots of health problems along with being a below the knee amputee. He has a prosthetic but can’t put it on without help, He can walk on his own somewhat. His balance is not good and I have to be nearby in case he starts to fall. He can’t get dressed or take a shower without help. I pretty much have to help him with everything.
He goes out of his way to be mean and hateful to me. He call me names and constantly belittles me. He wants the heat turned on when it’s 78 and he’s sitting in a chair with a quilt. Last night there was a chance of snow. It was 63 in the house when we went to bed. He pitched a fit that he was hot and wanted the air on. I finally had to get up and turn the air down to 62 just to shut him up.
One day he pointed an unloaded gun at me and pulled the trigger. Now he complains because he no longer has access to his guns. Another time he hit me in the jaw with his fist when I was helping him put his prosthetic on. He kicks me in the shins if I get close to him. He grabs my wrists tight enough to leave bruises when I’m helping him up.
My two sons tell me to leave him and put him in a home. I don’t have the funds to put him somewhere and he would not agree to go. He is not able to take care of himself and is unsteady on his feet that he can’t get around the house on his own. (He recently fell while standing in the bathroom and fractured his neck). I feel that I can’t just leave somebody that is physically unable to take care of themself. There’s nobody else available to care for him.
I feel that I’m just stuck with no way out until one of us dies….

Pointing an unloaded pistol at you would have been the time to call 911 and have him arrested.

You do not need to take care of anyone who hits and abuses you verbally.

Get him signed up for Medicaid and have him placed like yesterday. This happens more than anyone cares to admit.
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Scampie1 Dec 3, 2024
Also, I wanted to point out that my father was an abuser. When he took ill, I didn't have anything to do with him. I would go visit, but I didn't do any hands on care for him. I left that to his new family.
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He has hit you and he has pointed a gun at you and pulled the trigger on an empty chamber.

I kind of want now to ask you what you think it might take for you to leave this man?
I agree with the sons. Leave him.
However I would skip that part about putting him in care. Because to be honest I wouldn't much care what happened to him once I am out the door. But that's me. Let the sons take him on if THEY still care.
I would head straight to a divorce attorney and FREEZE ALL ACCOUNTS AT ONCE.
Time for a division of assets.
These helpful sons of yours? Will they rent you a room till you can find an efficiency you can afford with your share of the assets.

And hubby? Honestly, who cares. If YOU do, why not call APS. They can decide on a move for state guardianship if he needs it and if they can survive him.
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Scampie1 Dec 3, 2024
Yes! This!
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PLEASE quit allowing your mentally disturbed husband to continue abusing you. The next time he hits/kicks/slaps you, or even threatens to do so, you call 911, no ifs ands or buts, and you tell the police that you want him removed from your home as you are unsafe with him there.
They will more than likely take him to the hospital where you then tell the doctor and social worker that your husband CANNOT return home as you do not feel safe anymore with him there and that you can no longer care for him.
They will then have to find a facility to place him in. And the social worker can also help you apply for Medicaid for him since you don't have the money to place him yourself.
You must do what is best for yourself and getting your husband out of your home is what is best.
I wish you well for doing just that.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Ye gods, woman, what are you still with him for?

When your spouse points a gun at you and pulls the trigger, in my book that means the marriage is over. Are you just waiting for him to find the bullets?

By the way, pointing a firearm at someone and pulling the trigger? That's not being "mean". That's being homicidal. That's a 911 call, and the police responding with their guns drawn, and hubby goes to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $100. A domestic case to boot? Yeah, he's earned a set of pretty, shiny new "bracelets".

Empty out the bank accounts, grab whatever items you absolutely can't live with - and I mean absolutely, this is not a time for a trip down memory lane with your favorite mementos - and leave, with no forwarding address. Find a divorce attorney and get thee gone. Let a process server give him the papers - after you vehemently inform them that he is violent and has pointed an unloaded weapon at you and pulled the trigger, intending you harm. The process server will have the police escort him/her to the premise.

If he's physically able to injure you, to threaten your life, he is able enough to justify your leaving him. Please, please don't allow yourself to become another statistic.
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notgoodenough Dec 3, 2024
Oh yeah. And after you have secured a safe place for yourself, go directly into your local police department and make a report documenting everything he has done - from the gun incident down to every last bruise he has given you, so when the time comes to go in front of a divorce judge, you have everything reported. So you will be holding a few face cards, so to speak, when the judgement of division of assets comes in.

Because if it hasn't been officially reported, then as far as the courts are concerned, it didn't happen.
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Oh HELL NO.

You call 911 next time he assaults you.

Your kids are right. He needs to be in a home and you need to divorce him and separate your assets.

He isn’t “just mean”. He is your abuser. You are an abused wife.

Are you seriously going to sit there and wait for him to kill you?!?!?
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anonymous144448 Dec 3, 2024
Yours is one of the worse cases of abuse I have read on this forum.
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Video his unhinged behavior. If he even verbally threatens you, do not wait to call 911. Tell them the litany of offenses you wrote above. Tell the EMTs that there's "something wrong" with him, like maybe a UTI (because they might not come or just dementia since that's no considered a medical emergency). At the ER show them the videos and tell them he is an unsafe discharge, that you don't feel safe at home and that you are not able to take care of him. Whatever you do, make sure that NO ONE goes to retrieve him from the hospital. Ask to talk to a hospital social worker to discuss transitioning him directly into a facility. If he has no PoA or money, he can be assigned a 3rd party legal guardian by a judge. Then you are off the hook for all care and payment.

I wish you all the best as you try to protect yourself and regain your life.
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You are not stuck with this cruel and abusive man. Your sons are correct in telling you to leave him, please listen to them. Realize there are many, many amputees who learn to put on their prosthetic limb and to adapt to life with it on and off both. There is no excuse for your bully husband to not have done this. There is never an excuse to lash out as he has, no matter what’s going on with him. You don’t deserve this not even another minute. Please call your sons and make a plan with them to leave. Your husband will have no alternative but to go into a care setting and you will live in much deserved peace. I hope you’ll return here and tell us how much better life is minus this cruelty
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Emotional abuse is tough and no one deserves it. Being in pain and sick is no excuse to treat another person like dirt. This is emotional and mental abuse and he will get worse as he declines. Abusers do not like to lose control and losing mobility and their health makes them spiral. My late husband was verbally and emotionally abusive and it got worse the sicker he got. He said several times he felt like "murdering me" and "I owe him. No other man will love me and put up with my crap."

The fact is his physical care will exceed what you can give and for your own emotional and mental well-being being, you should find him care. He might need LTC the way things sound. Any man who points a gun loaded or no is capable of physical abuse. If you need to stay with relatives, do so. You do not owe him. Do not feel guilty as people who bash do not know the extent of abuse
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anonymous144448 Dec 4, 2024
Right, they took away his gun, but what about the knives, scissors, his hands, etc.
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I can't add anything beneficial to what has already been posted.

Whether or not his behaviour is due to his illness it is still considered abuse and you need to take action now. I am praying that you have the strengh and fortitude to get a lawyer. Please Please Please do not become a statistic.
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Reply to AMZebbC
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Next time he hits you and especially aims a gun at you, call the police and have him removed. Like said, refuse to take him back because you are afraid for your life. Do not pick him up!

If you can afford it, please see an Elder Lawyer. He can have ur assets split. Husbands split going to his care and when almost gone you apply for Medicaid. Once on Medicaid, you remain in the home, have a car and enough or all of your montly income to live on.

You are the victim here. Please don't take anymore of this abuse.
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