Here is some background. Back on the 4th of July weekend this summer my Dad had an incident where he needed to go to the hospital, then rehab, then assisted living, where he still is now. Because I was 500 miles away and work 2 jobs, and was his POA I couldn't figure out how to make it all work from so far away, I didn't feel like I would ever know what was going on, and he lived in a very expensive town and his funds were not going to go far in the AL world. He had several delusional episodes while in rehab which were likely caused by the UTI but I didn't know that at the time. It was very hard to get him to comprehend everything that was happening, and he does not do well on the phone. So I found a nice facility to move him to, it was in a more rural area, more affordable and I got him a private room at a semi-private rate. I took out 2 loans, one a 4 year loan for his almost $4,000 medical transport. The people at rehab asked him if he understood, that he was moving and going to AL, he said he did, I had been down and shown him pictures I took on tour, he liked it, he told the transport people he was excited that I wasn't going to have to do the 500 mile drive on the weekends and that he would see me more. Things started OK, we had our first outing which was great, then they went into a modified lockdown. His mood seemed to depend on what they served for dinner and how much his back hurt. I was the first time in over 22 years we were going to be together for all the fall holidays, I have been using all my time over the years to go see him, So I signed a new 2 year lease on a new home thinking we had all this time to get to know each other again and go on excursions as we used to travel together and he wanted to go to New York one more time, and 3 days after I sign the lease he calls me and says he has talked to his cousins and they have all decided he should move back to the state he just left. He has always wanted to go live there, they live in the city where he was born, He thinks they will visit him every day, I only was able to go twice a week (oh I should add I am his only child and my mom died 22 years ago). He has had a love affair with the cousins every since Mom died, but he always goes to see them, they never came to see him. They used to live 6 hours away by car. He is thrilled now, he is moving further away from me than he was, I asked for a 2 week pause so I could get moved, and they said no. He has 9 more nights here and I am a total wreck. I cry at night, I am on the verge of tears all day, I feel like I may never see him again. I have talked to my lawyer about this, so those bases are covered, I just feel like a complete failure as a caregiver. I read on here what everyone else does, he lasted 6 weeks here before jumping ship, I mentioned that he hadn't given it a chance, he just wants to see the cousins before he dies, I should also mention he is very narcissistic, perhaps even has narcissistic personality disorder. So I was the one that had to do all the mean things, close out his apartment, get rid of the car, cancel club memberships and they are riding in on their white horses to rescue him and I am just devastated. Sorry this is so long, I was just totally blindsided again, and I have no idea what happened. Anyone else ever have this happen?
I was lucky in that my dad (definitely a narcissist) got sick and died suddenly at age 88. He was still working. A relief -he would have been a nightmare as a patient.
One of my sisters is doing the bulk of the caregiving, along with her husband. She is the one that acted out the worst as an adolescent and still feels guilty about that.
And she is still trying for my mother's love and approval, just as she did for dad's approval before he died. She is very much like him in temperament and interests.
In our household there was always a competition - for attention, for resources, for approval and affection, for privileges. It still shows.
Lots of therapy and 7 years living on the other side of the country helped me not fall back into the mess when I returned, living beside my sister. And my mother.
For anyone dealing with this stuff, please try to detach from the old messages and roles, set limits early on (they will be angry with you, but you might as well get it over with), and look out for yourself first. Get support, like here, so as not to get sucked in.
Let him go with the understanding that you won't be rescuing him again. You won't be rushing to emergencies and you won't listen to any problems with the situation in NC.
As others have said, you dodged a bullet and you should be grateful that you aren't trapped by his narcissistic behaviors.
I told my dad that he could do whatever he could do. That didn't mean me making arrangements, calls, trips or anything else. He did it. I saw him one more time after he moved away and it tore my guts out to see how much his choices had cost him.
I think he would have happily let me rescue him again but, I didn't have it in me to play his game again. He gets frail and weak from lack of care, I swoop in and get him healthy, back on his feet, financially stable and he takes off to do what he wants. Nope, didn't have the strength to have my heart stomped again.
This is not a failure on your part. There is nothing you could have done except forgo your own life and been his personal slave, dancing to his tune, kissing his butt and being completely miserable. That is what narcs demand or they move on to devour someone that will do these things. Let the cuz have at it and good luck.
Find someone to fulfill your desires with, live your dreams and take your trips.
My mother was in a 55+ community and when she could no longer take care of herself my cousin (who has a husband, grown children and grandchildren) moved from SC to TX to live with her for almost 2 years.
My mother went into AL almost 4 years ago, my cousin moved back to SC, and even though I am 25 miles away she consistently called my cousin for everything. To order items for her, to tell her the staff hadn't immediately responded when she called, etc. I had a demanding 24/7 career and she always said she didn't want to bother me. Even though I visited once a week she never called me.
So now my mother is at the end of her life. My cousin came to visit and although we were both consistently in the room she would ask my cousin to give her water, etc.
I don't feel the least bit put off by this. I'm the one who has worked the magic behind the scenes for 21 years for my mother to live a good life. Selling her home, selling my father's car, selling her home in the 55+ community, selling her furniture, moving her to AL and paying for everything. But I know how close she is with my cousin and I am actually very thankful that my cousin has taken so much pressure off me by being so active in my mother's life. If your father feels comfortable and happy being taken care of by more distant relatives then it may free you to live your life. In caregiver situations, sometimes you need to think more clinically rather than think with your heart.
Have you considered staying where you are and cancelling your 2 year lease?
If Dad is moving, you have no obligation to get him there. Have you considered doing nothing? As POA, you do not need to fund the move.
Will you please update us?
With all these answers, hope you are feeling better about yourself, not a failure!
His cousins will probably be about his own age. It's very likely they aren't going to be able to get out and about any more than he can on his own. Try to think of it as his last fling with family and to renew his past. Maybe it will turn out that they are actually very close to him and will visit/take him out quite often. If so, he will certainly enjoy life more than sitting every day waiting on a visitor ----- very long days. (You might even call the cousins to find out what is going to realistically happen - can they visit every day, can they take him for outings, and let them know that's what he's expecting)
Just let him know now about reversing this plan in the future - can he afford to move back to your area? Is he making a permanent decision that you can't reverse later on? Have this discussion now before he goes. If he wants to go, then just do your best to stay in touch and visit when you can. Trust me, he probably believes these folks are going to give him more one-on-one time that you can do right now....and maybe they can. I don't think it is to purposely hurt you - he's just in self-preservation mode now and concerned about himself.
Like Barb said, "I would present dad with the bills for what you've laid out and tell him you hope this works out because you won't be available for any more requests or rescues."
But first, I'd get on the horn to these cousins to find out what THEY know about all of this? Then go from there.
If they're good with him moving back to be close to them, I'd dry my tears, present dad with the bill as stated above, and move on with my life. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on ME.
GOOD LUCK!
Only get it in writing. See how heroic they are when you suggest that they can legally take on the responsibility of conservatorship over your father's person, but you will maintain POA and make all financial decisions concerning your father's money and assets.
Then see how willing the cousins are to become caregivers to your father.
You're in a tough spot because you have to make the actual decisions for him. Putting him in a care facility closer to you is what's right for both of you. It may not be what he wants or what everyone likes, but it is what's right. Unless these cousins are willing to legally take the responsibility for your father through conservatorship, they don't get a vote. You do what you think is best. Not what they think is.
I know it doesn't feel like it now, but in years to come you will be glad of this decision. You have dodged a bullet.
And, to be fair, perhaps so has he. I see you have your doubts about whether the cousins will step up, but let's see. At least there's more than just one of them!
Where does this leave you about the lease, though?
The one who ends up drawing the short straw among their siblings when it comes to taking care of the parents is usually the one mom and dad treated the worst. Or who they were the most abusive to.
There are many posts on this forum concerning Narcissistic parents. The one common thing is they are self-centered. They really don't see how their actions effect someone else. I have a feeling you have been looking for love from a Dad that he may not be able to give it. He just doesn't know how.
First you cannot just "involk" your POA. You need to read it and see if it is immediate or Springing. If Springing, you need to probably have one or two doctors declare Dad incompetent to make informed decisions. And even then, you may not be able to force him to stay. Guardianship will only give u that power. POA is a tool. You are Dad's representative. You abide by his wishes. It gives you the ability to help him when he can no longer do his finances. The ability to work with his bank, creditors. It does not mean you physically have to move him, care for him, u can hire someone to do that using HIS money. And you should have used his money for that transport. I may still do it. If you are handling his money, take out that 4k from his acct and pay that loan off.
If your Dad has a Dementia, this is why your are blind sided. There is no rhyme or reason to this desease.
What you do now is tell Dad that if he is leaving, he is doing it all on his own. You will not be helping him. If he needs help, he needs to get one of his cousins involved. If they want him nearby, then they need to help. Also, he may want to consider a cousin to be his POA since he will be closer to them. You won't be able to help so far away.
Just reread your post "I asked for a 2 week pause so I could get moved, and they said no." Is this the cousins? Then I guess they are doing all the work? If not, you tell them you are moving. If they want Dad there now, its all on them. I hope you didn't sign anything at the AL saying you were responsible for Dads room cost. Most ALs want at least 30days notice and you would be responsible for those 30 days. So, he paid October but leaving now giving no 30 day notice, he will probably owe Nov. He leaves lets say the 23rd. He will owe at least 23 days of Nov if they allow him to prorate.
So sorry you had certain expectations and Dad has ruined them. But you can't expect anything out of anyone. Both need to be clear in what they are looking for in a relationship. Just have to let Dad do what he wants, and that goes both ways. Go on and live your life and realize that Dad will only be a small part of it, if at all.
Just curious, do these cousins think Dad has money? Another reason to get that 4k and pay off that loan.
You wrote:
"I asked for a 2 week pause so I could get moved, and they said no. He has 9 more nights here ".
Trying to take the emotions out of your POA decisions:
1. People move when they have the means and money to do so.
a) Moving requires giving notice (to current AL?) There only 6 weeks?
b) Moving requires a deposit at the new facility.
As POA, did you make these arrangements for your Dad?
Or, maybe the cousins are coming to pick him up, arrange for housing in an AL?
"They", the cousins, said "NO"?
2. Wanting to go home ...
Wanting to go home to one's birthplace...
A common theme that people with dementia repeat. Once returning, they no longer recognize their old place(s), and often don't always recognize their loved ones. Your Dad, at 91, has already been so ill that he did not recognize you at that time.
3. A POA does not pay their own money, they use Dad's money for his needs.
It does not sound like he has the funds to move? Did you give notice so his current AL won't require remaining rent after he moves?
What would happen if you, as POA, and perhaps the driver, mover person, put a financial kabash on what appears to be a lark? Talk to the cousins, have them come and pick up your Dad?
Just guessing here, but with personal experience having a loved one moved from place-to-place by step-family, cousins, his own children, and then on hospice, returning to his son's home for the last few months of his life when the money ran out.
Just some things to think about, imo.
I would feel taken advantage of and pizzed off.
I would present dad with the bills for what you've laid out and tell him hyou hope this works out because you won't be available for any more requests or rescues.
Make sure the cousins know he is not coming back to you. Hear their version of the story; it may differ from his understanding. They may think he's coming for a "visit".
This is the pretty typical story of the child of NPD parents-- nothing is ever good enough and you are always c trying to live up to some impossible standard which can't be reached.
I would move on with whatever YOU want in life.
When last living independently, he was found malnourished. Where is he going to live in NC? It doesn't sound like it is with the cousins.
I was also treated as the person non-grata. When my mother declined to the point that she couldn't manage things any longer, I had a chat with one of the POA brothers and said I needed compensation. He readily agreed, and from that point on I got $20/hour (and back pay). It made me consider what I had to do as just a job, and helped to take a lot of the emotional component out of it. BTW, I had asked my mother earlier for compensation for all the time I had to spend with her, and she got very upset, saying "You don't pay family!"
Have you had him evaluated for dementia? Have you talked to the cousins? Why are you not invoking your power of attorney and taking charge here?