My mother was abusive most of my life and I finally escaped at 17 when I moved out. We eventually formed a somewhat friendly "relationship" over the years due to my younger sisters. Mainly because I can deal with her on my terms, when I want and can walk away when I need to. 3 years ago, both my little sisters died, so now it's just me and my mom. She has many health issues, including metal health and is rapidly declining. And now I am stuck being her sole caretaker. My sisters and I always agreed I would take care of our dad and they would take care of mom.
Now they are both gone and I, at 35, have my divorced disabled parents living with me. I am struggling with my mom bc of how she treated me growing up and how I am supposed to feel. I am finding it really hard to "care" about her and how she is doing. I feel like my mental health has gone down the tubes and I don't know what to do. The guilt is overwhelming.
Feeling lost and alone.
I have been my families caregiver my whole life, its just what's always been expected of me. When I was little, it was a joke that I was the "camp counselor".
I dunno, at the end of the day its mainly obligation and guilt.
Once you know that Mom isn't your responsibility and you have a right to your own life, you may need to see other professionals to get Mom pried out of your home.
Once you have taken an abusive person into your home it is quite difficult to remove him or her.
You feel guilt because that is what your Mom taught you to feel. SHE is the destructive force you evil in the world; you are but someone suffering the other G-word, which is grief.
Please get help. You won't change Mom and she will be there for decades if you allow it. You DO deserve a life; you had one once and can remember it. You have had a LOT of grief in your life, first from a very flawed parent, then from the loss of sisters whose support you needed. Get help. I wish you the very best and my heart goes out to you.
You say you were able to establish a relationship with your mother in the past because it was on your terms.
It's still on your terms and don't forget it.
Bring in hired homecare services to help with them if you choose to let them stay. If they refuse services because they expect you to meet all of their needs, they will be moved into a care facility. Make sure they both know this and that you will not tolerate one moment of disrespect or "stubbornness" from either one of them.
I too come from a toxic and abusive home. I am my mother's sole caregiver as well. The situation is at best tolerable, but that has not always been so. It was terrible until finally I made her understand that I am the last barrier which lies between her and being abandoned in a nursing home. I tolerate nothing from her. Many times when toxic and abusive parents become sick or needy they'll double-down on the abusive behavior towards the family that cares for them. They believe that this will keep them in control. It doesn't and should never be tolerated for a moment.
If you're going to continue keeping your parents with you, there needs to be some serious boundaries established that must be respected by them. You tell them how it's going to be.
If they become too much for you, put them in a care facility.
Let there be no guilt if they need more care than you can provide. It will not be your fault.
People-pleasers have low self-esteem and depend on others to boost it. Instead of taking responsibility for building up their self-worth, they turn to everyone else to make them feel better about themselves. It doesn't work out well, b/c self love has to come from WITHIN!
Read this article on the subject:
https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/no-more-people-pleasing-please/
It's time to put YOURSELF first and not your parents! I was an only-child to my parents and made the decision long ago to NEVER care for them in my home, or to do any hands-on caregiving for them at all. It didn't mean I had no love for them; quite the contrary. The little bit of a relationship I DID have with mom I wanted to keep intact, so that's why cohabitating again was OFF the table, b/c I knew it would DESTROY that little bit of a relationship we did have. She always had mental health issues and later developed dementia (which I firmly believe is tied in to mental health issues!!!) so I had to move her from Assisted Living into Memory Care AL 3 years before she passed away. She had SO many health and dementia issues that it's a good thing I vowed NOT to care for her in home, ti would have killed me to do so. Dad was a sweetheart but also had health issues too numerous for me to handle alone. AL was the best answer for ALL of us.
Why would you have 'guilt' or FOG (Fear Obligation & Guilt) over this situation? You are suffering from mental health issues yourself as a result of all this caregiving you're doing, yet you STILL feel 'guilty'? What are you doing 'wrong' that's creating this guilt? Use logic instead of emotion to view this situation and then you will perhaps see that all this caregiving is destroying YOU!
Medicaid is available to fund their stay in Skilled Nursing if finances are an issue. Go sit down with a Certified Elder Care attorney for a consult to see what guidance s/he can give you. You are 35; do you want to be 55 *like Ariadnee said* and look back over the last 2 decades you gave up to caregiving? NOW is the time to make some changes and look after YOURSELF! Figure out the alternatives for mom & dad and take your own life back, before it's too late. There are plenty of stories here on the forum about the lives people gave up for parents who usurped them, leaving them broken shells with nothing left over after the parents passed away. Don't be a statistic.
If you need therapy, get it. Don't let one bad apple ruin the whole batch; there ARE good ones out there !
Best of luck.
Some history I learned at some point during this time: My mother had grown up in an abusive home. She was taken from her mother when she was very young and shifted around to different relatives home until she married my father as a teen. I learned later that she told my siblings that I look and sound like her mother and that is why she hated me.
At some point in the Alzheimer's she grew agitated if she saw me or someone said my name. Eventually, she couldn't remember which kid was which and she forgot she hated me. I answered to any of my siblings names. I moved in to take care of her and it was super hard at first. My mom always played favorites. When the chips were down her favorites did not come around.
It has been 4 years since she passed. I have the benefit of time. Looking back, her Alzheimer's was a gift. I overheard her talking to her doctor about me and how proud she was of me. I never knew. I cried that night. Before she became non-verbal she told me she loved me. I never felt that growing up. Our roles reversed. She called me Mom. I called her Sunshine because it confused her to call her Mom. Her face would light up when she saw me. She would gently pat my cheek and tell me thank you and that she loved me. I prefer to think that she did actually love me and it wasn't just the Alzheimer's.
The work was hard. I was exhausted. But Mom died a good death. The hospice nurse who pronounced her commented on mom's beautiful skin and told me I had done an incredible job with her.
It is kind of bizarre, but Alzheimer's turned out to be a gift. It allowed me to heal and allowed me closure. Not everyone will get that chance.
I hope your journey has a good ending too.
Unfortunately I think your lovely story is the exceptional diamond in a quarry of rough rocks. Many find they step back in for duty, hoping to find a better connection maybe, but instead find themselves in same abuse pattern. Must plot their escape again.
Lovely to hear your story 🤗
Book them a 'sitter' & take a weekend off.
Somewhere out of that F.O.G!
When you have a little distance, physical & mental - what does the plan to live with your parents look like?
A sweet idea? Like a gingerbread house? But a dangerous trap. Maybe a den of wolves? Is it what you REALLY want to do? Or think you *should*?
"I know it's stupid but I am always worried about what people will say or think of me if I don't take care of her".
No it's not stupid to think that. I'd say it is normal. It's sensitive is all. No-one wants to be labelled selfish!
I think you need a good shield to use against that thought & other people's judgement. Re-write thoughts like "if I don't take care of her" to something else.
Eg My Doctor said her Mother had Alzheimer's. Was no way she was quitting her career to look after her. She simply said something like "Once Mother couldn't look after herself, she needed to move into care". She had zero guilt. Said it very factual like.
How about a new fairy tale ending to your tale? Where you get to reconnect with your own life. It may be a whole new exciting story!
it’s because you’re a girl. she’s jealous.
if you were male, she’d treat you well.