Anyone else feel completely worn down from caregiving? Caring for my mother in law, who is a complete narcissist and co dependent person, who also has advanced dementia. Long story short, we moved her in a few years ago and it is the biggest regret of our lives. She’s a widow and I’d have never agreed to take her in if I knew her true personality. She was mean, a slob, and extremely jealous and unable to accept that her son has his own life and family. She finds ways to be the center of attention on any day that isn’t about her (birthdays, holidays, etc) and usually uses her (admittedly significant) health issues to garner attention. Her dementia has caused her to slow down significantly but has also amplified the meanness, accusations, complaining, and now we are dealing with paranoia and hallucinations. I think if we weren’t already burnt out on her before this, it would be different but we’ve been taking care of her for years, and it’s only getting worse. We are both anxious and probably mildly depressed. When she is in a “mood”, which seems to be every day now, she will follow us around and basically talk sh** and complain about *everything* and it’s about impossible to get her to calm down. She’s threatened to beat us, call the police on us, everything you can think of. We’ve tried the memory care route and she refuses, and they actually said due to her behavior it might be a bad fit (not sure how true that is). Hubby also refuses to go the legal route on getting her declared incompetent. I feel trapped by this illness. This has been a miserable year.
Example: my mother had dementia and lived in MC herself. She treated me like dirt under her feet; I was The Bad Guy from day one, no matter what I did, it was WRONG. However, she treated her 'girls' in MC like saints, blowing them kisses (literally), then turning around to bare her teeth at ME! True story. The best thing EVER was that she lived in MC where she paid others to care for her and whereby I could be released from her toxic fumes 24/7. It was a win/win situation for BOTH of us, in all honesty, and thereby, a win for my DH too, b/c otherwise, he'd have been burdened down by a miserable MIL and a miserable WIFE had she lived with us, God forbid.
Even if your MIL acts out in MC, she can get meds to help calm her down and thereby 'correct' the ugly behavior she exhibits IF necessary.
Tell your MIL to go right ahead and call the cops, and APS while she's at it, too. And you'll tell the cops AND APS that you can no longer care for the woman at home, that you are burned out and no longer have the capacity to care for her myriad of issues. Better yet, when she gets throwing a tantrum, call 911 and have her shipped off to the ER for a psych evaluation. When they're ready to release her, tell the hospital you can't possibly take her back home, that you are incapable of caring for all of her issues at home any longer. They'll do a social admit and find placement for her at that time.
Or, just tell DH you're DONE caring for his mother now, totally. It's time she get placed and please figure out how to get 'er done. Enough is enough. You can tell Dh that YOU will move out if this nonsense continues, and HE can do the 24/7 hands on caregiving for his mother. He'll see, in short order, just what's involved with the care and management of a demented elder and I'll bet you $100 he'll suddenly be 'ready' to place her in Memory Care! Sometimes it takes a wake up call of that magnitude for a son to see what's necessary for his mother.
Wishing you the best of luck taking your LIVES back from this MIL who's usurped them!
Many of us truly aren’t prepared for what is yet to come when we take in a parent.
Most times it doesn’t work out especially well when family members are living together.
It’s time for placement whether she is in agreement or not. She will receive the proper care and you can resume your lives at home as husband and wife instead of caregivers.
Does your husband have POA?
It’s very difficult to have a parent living with us. I did it for many years and I was exhausted all of the time. I certainly hope that you will not have to endure this situation much longer.
Best wishes to you and your family.
It is not uncommon for elder with UTI to get paranoia and hallucinations, along with other unwelcome behavior. Take Mom-in-law to her primary doctor or an urgent care for a test. UTI's can be treated with antibiotic.