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I have given all three of my grown children strict instructions that I do not want them being a caregiver for me or there Dad, I took care of grampa at 28 till I was about 35 with my grandma, I worked for IHSS for 5 years with 2 patients different days of week when I was 40, and had a job at Target, I took care of FIL for 3 years when I was 50 and the most recent; 82 year old for 2 years, she's now with her son. And now my cousins dad has penal cancer and I will not go over there because I'll feel bad and get sucked into it again, I know it seems harsh but I'm done.. I'm in my 60's and so I put the law down with my kids. I even wrote a paper out and my friend will notarize Wednesday , in case I get stubborn in my later years. Does any one else feel this way from caregiving.. my kids are upset about it but I believe it's my gift to them because I love am so much and can't imagine them halfing to do that for me. I hope that I don't get to old and go in my sleep around 68 yrs old.. honestly I smoke and drink coffee outside of course so this is my plan.. never to be a burden.

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I plan to be sure they are not even aware how to find me. I know that they would feel the obligation regardless of what I say....so, I plan to remove myself from that equation. I have told them I plan to "drop out". So there won't be a surprise.
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Mywaday - I don't have kids but I applaud your sentiments. Of course, sentiments need to be backed up by actions, and making a written statement is certainly one of them. But I wonder, have you considered what might happen if you don't die at 68 and instead you live to be elderly and infirm? Have you considered how your care would be provided, if not by your children?

I ask these questions because my mother would have also said that she never wanted to be a burden on her children. But once she reached her late 70s and started to become disabled, there was very little choice about it. She can not handle her own daily tasks such as shopping, cooking, banking, errands, drs appointments, etc. She can not afford paid help or assisted living. She does ask her grown children for help but if she didn't, what could we do? Someone has to push the wheelchair or she would not be able to get to the doctor, or the library or the grocery store. Someone has to haul the groceries into the house and put them away and wash her laundry and change her bedding. Yet she's not disabled enough to qualify for Medicaid and a nursing home.

My point is, avoiding become a burden requires some advance planning and perhaps substantial sacrifice, either now or in the future or both. It's easy (and laudable) to say that, but it can be very difficult to actually make that happen.
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Carla CBS and Katie, Yes I do have plan, I will enroll myself in a program like pace or Ihss, I have it all planned out, I'll have in home care, and that's what u should enroll your mom in, it's a wonderful program and pace is free as long as u have Medicaid or medicare, but my family history is no one lives to be 70 on either side of my family.. my parents died before 65. And I've smoked since I was 11. Never drank alcohol but take motoring and norco10, for all kinds of back problematic and rheumatoid arthritis , water on knee..etc.. but my heart ,cholesterol and blood pressure is fine, so I have instructions for in home care or nh..
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I'm glad you have a plan, Mywaday. Where I am, PACE is a special program under Medicaid. (Actually it's not PACE anymore, it's something else). But, my mother is not medically needy enough to be eligible for Medicaid. She's been in that in-between place for almost 10 years - not well enough to take care of herself but not disabled enough for Medicaid to kick in. It is a good plan though, for those who qualify.
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I have no children, nor any siblings, so I have to fend for myself. I do have a sig other but who knows if he will be around a few years from now.

After seeing the sticker shock at how much it cost for home caregivers and/or Assisted Living, I am glad I had been fugal all my life.... but the costs!!!! I need to cut more coupons since my parents were just shy of being 100.
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Carla, it's that in between time that worries me the most, once you are poor enough and disabled enough for long term care you should be looked after, but nobody can save enough to afford AL for decades.
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My sons are adamant they will take care of me when I'm in need, and I'm happy for that. What I have done is tell them, in no uncertain terms, that they are not to have me live with them. Put me in a nice facility, preferably nearby, and check up on me OFTEN, visit, make sure I'm all right. I am fortunate to have funds available for this, though of course I plan to care for myself as long as possible. It's a comfort to know they will be there to care for me, and are willing to do so, but I am doing all I can to make sure they do not have to take me into their house. My FIL is such a strain on my marriage and my life that I would not wish it on anyone, much less a loved child and his wife.
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I have indeed had this conversation with medically qualified Daughter 1, who more or less patted me on the head and told me not to worry myself about it.

Son routinely pokes me in the ribs and says "you're going in a home!" I think he means it jocularly.

Daughter 2 has given me strict instructions not to die. I wasn't planning to just yet, anyway, but she insists this is an indefinite standing order. Since she is not an idiot, I trust she is expressing herself more in hope than expectation.

When the time comes, we will not be in control of their decisions. Do your springing DPOAs and medical/healthcare/welfare proxy homework; do your advance directive; and if you can afford it (and if your personal odds make it sensible) take out good quality long term care insurance.

But do not hope to be able to tell grown men and women how to feel, or try to decide in advance what will be right for them. Not your decision. Theirs.
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I like what countrymouse said in her last statement, above. I think it might be just as onerous to forbid one's offspring from providing care as it is to require them to do it. If I had children, I would tell them "Do only what you're motivated to do out of love and concern, and are able to do without feeling burdened or resentful." This expresses how I feel about parent care and caregiving in general. In turn, I would do my best to make provisions for myself that do not require my loved ones to step in, knowing that can't be totally controlled. Still, there's no excuse for doing what many of our parents did - make no provisions for themselves and then expect their adult children to put their own lives on hold for years in order to make up for the parents' failure to plan.
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After taking care of my dad, I wouldn't want to burden my children even if I had them. I now have zero expectations from my nieces and nephews as well. Its so true, its best to plan as far as head as possible financially. I would love for them to check on me and advocate for me if necessary but I can't expect them to sacrifice their life to take care of me every day. I see the dangers of doing this depending on the person and their personality type. Even the kindest soul eventually will feel burden and resentful. I'm glad I was there for my dad, but I still have regrets about the quality of his care.
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Yes, I am journaling along this path of watching my divorced parents slowly decline at the same AL... they get a lot of good care there but I still have to do many things for them every day.
Slowly learning how to step back little by little and let them find their own way there but at the same time I'm keeping a very close eye on them.
My husband and I are having "talks"now with our two children 29 and 20, and getting all the important documents together so they don't have to be in our shoes someday.   My husband has stepped up like a brother for me in the situation and I will be forever grateful to him.   He supports me in my down days and my good days 
I'm trying to get real hard not let this time in my life with my parents become a burden.  It really does Rob my thinking of anything else anymore.  I try real hard to not let my kids see how stressed out I am every day because that affects them too.
Reading here with all of you has really really helped me every day...I am so thankful for this
site. Everyone sharing their personal stories, and hearing how they learn how to cope or interact with them instead of wishing this would all just go away and they would be better or their old selves again.   I feel like I am just slowly watching my parents die.
I journal about my trials and also about my Joy's I'm experiencing with my parents. If my kids read my journal Sunday, I want them to see that I made it through the storm with Grace!
... and hope that when they face a storm with their parents someday maybe,  that they too will make it through💜

 I do secretly hope that I drop dead in my garden on a beautiful day... that's where I am right now...but please don't let it be today 😉

 But of course no one will find me but the EMT people, because that would definitely be a terrible sight 😜
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While I do have a son, as many here know - his level of disability will keep him from ever having to become my caregiver. In fact, if I become unable to properly look after myself - it will have been long past my ability to care for him. So, in addition to planning for my own care, I face the heart wrenching fact that eventually I'll need to find a living situation for Rainman that is away from me. I hope and pray that this is a long time off as even thinking about it now sends me into complete breakdown and panic attack mode.

After having looked after my parents for six years I am grateful that Rainman won't ever become my caregiver and if I had any other children I'd make sure they knew I did not want them looking after me in any capacity that would negatively impact their lives. It's almost become a joke - there is actually a character on Sponge Bob Squarepants called "old man Jenkins" that hobbles through scenes saying  "I don't want to be a burden". But definitely- I DO NOT want to become anyone's burden!

Because of my caregiving years - at 52 and 55 years of age - hubby and I are already making adjustments to our home designed to allow us to stay here as long as possible. Unfortunately, our house is on top of a steep driveway and to get to an enterence involves steep stairs - so we now face the fact we will probably not be here as long as we'd like.

Which leads us to let go of a dream we've been cultivating for years - a vacation home on the Oregon coast. Sure - we might be able to sell it when the time comes for IL or AL but we'd rather not risk it AND we are investing the funds instead - feathering our nest egg now. 

If I learned anything - well, anything besides the fact you can't reason with dementia - my biggest lesson, but I digress - it's that while a nursing home may be an unavoidable end point, having the money to pick a nice one - to have your own room - Can make a huge difference. It takes money. Period.

So, in the meantime we try walking that fine line between living for today - least we get hit by a bus tomorrow - and saving for our future.
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It is a given that my pattern will follow my mother's. Assuming some years of a reasonably healthy old age yet, I will hire what help I need to stay in my home until an ALF is more attractive/sensible. I am nearly 80 now and need only occasional help from my kids now ( e.g. cleaning out the garage, a few groceries when the weather is really cold, like minus 30 and I am not feeling up to it). I worked till I was 73 to provide a good pension for myself and live in Canada where the options are much less expensive. Mother at 104 is in an ALF which also takes the overflow from NHs, is well cared for, and it costs about $2000 a month. Her other costs - drugs etc are around $1000 a month. We are fortunate to have the health care system we do.
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Yes. We are getting on legal zoom and writing up POA's. We are also adding our daughters name to our bank accounts . Plus pre buying burial spots. I will never put my kids through what we've gone through dealing with my husband's parents that still refuse to acknowledge they are old, have dementia and will someday die.
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anyway pushing through.
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