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My father went into assisted living in February and it's been great for him. He has 24 hour good care and lots of activities all day. However, I now feel very alone and vulnerable like never before. I moved here last year to be near my father and brother. My relationship with my brother collapsed for good over the last year. He and his family are mentally abusive towards me in numerous ways. Like for example, they'll be nice but then all of a sudden turn on me and make it clear that they have that "unique" ability to do that and that I can't do that. You know what I mean?



I know no one here and I have no idea what I will do if I it gets any worse for me. Before I used to go over to my fathers and stay for the weekend. Sometimes for longer. Now I can't do that. I contacted an old friend who lives far away recently but they, as I knew, are in very bad health and have major family issues, although they do have loving support. I have none whatsoever now, other than my father who can understand but can't do anything if I need some kind of care. It probably will work out for me in time - I have been successful in my life in many respects, but the last year has been a major disaster by any standard. It's almost like the environment here is pushing me into destruction! Does or has anyone else feel this way? How do you or did you successfully deal with it?

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LIsa, it seems to me that what you are looking for is community, in real time, in person.

You can find that in a faith community, aka a church (contrary to popular belief, many churches do not ask you to subscribe to any particular belief system to be a member).

There are myriad community groups--folks who do volunteer work of various kinds. You can become a docent at a museum, a volunteer at your local library or animal shelter.

I can't promise you an instant community, but these are all opportunities to develop some ties to other people in your locale.
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Lisa,

I understand your deep love for your father.

I also understand that it’s painful to have a complicated relationship with our siblings.

I hear loneliness coming through in your words. Loneliness is a real concern. So much so, that the Surgeon General recently announced that loneliness is an epidemic and can affect our mental and physical health. The physical damage is comparable to someone who smokes cigarettes daily.

I urge you to seek connections outside of your family. You can move forward in your life, in spite of your difficult circumstances with your brother.

Don’t base your opinion of yourself by how your brother views you. Accept that your relationship may never be restored. Use your time and energy to focus on your goals and needs.

If you strongly desire to live elsewhere, then go for it! Approach it as moving towards something, a fresh start or a new beginning. With a healthy approach this could work out well for you.

Wishing you peace and joy in your life.
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lisatrevor May 2023
Thank you for your kind, supportive and very practical words. I did see the surgeon general on the news talk about the loneliness problem. Yes, this comes at exactly the same time I'm feeling it! I have never felt this way at anytime in my life.

Just in anyone has interest, it's also a lot of a little things my brother and his family say and do that cause me pain. For example, at the assisted living place I me and my brother met some residents who are friends of my father now, One man there is originally from Boston. When I was in my 20's I stayed with a friend, who was working there, for about 6 months. So I said "Oh, I lived in Boston for a little while.". Then my brother said "You didn't live in Boston!". I said "I lived with Susan that summer and fall.' My brother then says "Yea, you slept on her couch.". To my brother I have no right telling anyone that I lived somewhere by his definition of "lived". To him it means I had my own apartment or house there, not sleeping on someone's couch, like I did. In my view he did this to "protect" the man from Boston from having the wrong impression about me. He didn't want the man to think as highly of me as he might of. He need to ensure that the man knew exactly what the situation was. It was also embarrassing to me. My brother is a total jerk. I didn't say more. I'm so sick of it.
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You were originally planning to move to another country, where you know absolutely no one. Good thing you didn't move, if you already feel lonely now, being in the same place. I hope you can soon make new friends.

Lisatrevor, it's hard to take you seriously: because, it does seem like many times in past posts, you pulled our legs about various things.
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lisatrevor May 2023
No. I didn't "pull anyone's legs". I was planning to move to another country because the environment, such as in the UK, makes me feel much better, even though I would be alone. It's not any one thing; it's the combination of climate, culture of the people, setting (I would live on the east coast), cuisine (I like English cuisine), excellent public transportation, etc.. By the way, it will cost me less, even factoring in airfare, to live there then where I live now and most places in the US that would be beneficial to me, which are few.

I have lived in this region before so I am sure of how I feel. But now it's so difficult to leave my father! I may just leave or not. I'm really stuck in a bad position right now. I will seek out professional help next week. Thank you to everyone who replied, helpful or not (I am open to criticism).
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I think it's time for you to get some serious therapy, your issues need a qualified professional to help you, I, for one, am not equipped to deal with all of your mental problems.

I wish you the very best,
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LIsa, I think was you are facing is realizing that your father is at the end of his life and that your brother isn't a nice person.

Its a tough situation to be in.

I have a friend who is in her mid 70s. She is divorced and completely estranged from her son and on very strained terms with her daughter.

She recently lost her mom (she was 101!) and realized that she needed to go into therapy to learn how to better roll with/deal with/weather these issues and not be overwhelmed by them.

I think therapy could be a useful tool for you.
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Lisa Im in the same situation..but .my mom is in hospice and my brother is emotionally and verbally abusve and has refused to help , even with any aspect of visiting or calling her, even when she has been in AL..and now hospice ...I have a spouse who just sees the situation as a 92 year old woman who has lived a long life and it is her time to die. So no warm fuzzies there. Do you have a church affiliation? I have found my best supportive friends through womens group at church..or perhaps a hobby that you can seek out others with the same interests? I am an avid crossstitcher who designs my own large artwork pieces ..this brings me both joy and therapy . Or a class in the local college..even if for fun..something you have always wanted to learn to do? Try not to isolate too much..even if you get out to see a movie or enjoy a good meal..please take care of yourself so you can be strong for dad .hugs and best of luck..
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Your brother:

OP, you already know since a long time, that you don't get along with your brother. Even all of us on the forum know, because you posted many times about it.

Why do you visit your Dad at the same time as your brother? I'm guessing you need a ride from your brother in his car, to get to the AL? Otherwise, you would have avoided your brother a long time ago.

Please:
-get a driver's license
-get financially independent
-be nice to your vulnerable, sick friend. When one is sick, one remembers who was there for you and who wasn't.
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Hi Lisa - my humble thoughts are - you need to make a life for yourself - separate from your father and brother. That's it in a nutshell. I understand that your father has been and is your "guiding light" - but that should mean that he's taught you enough in your life to make it on your own - and to make your own life decisions. You need to have (or at least learn how to) feel confident in making your own life decisions. Your brother obviously is aware of your insecurities and he's taken advantage of you ...and maybe you'd gain more respect from him if he saw you as more independent and not needy and more self assured. It's a process and it may be good to read a lot of articles, books - therapy - to help you thru this new life chapter for you - to move forward in your own life.

I understand that you'd like to be closer in proximity to your father currently - so be there and live there - but build your own life separate from that. And a brother like that is worthwhile to ignore - just because you live in the same city doesn't mean he needs to be front and center in your life.

And if you're not meeting friends from work since you work remotely, try other ways...if you're an animal person, you may want to adopt from a shelter - dog parks are a great means of meeting others - you wind up talking to lots of people - it's very easy. Also, try online dating - and volunteering - or going to a gym - keep your life active - or church functions, etc.

People are drawn to others who are upbeat - friendly - warm - easy to talk to - fun - sense of humor - easy going...those qualities will attract others into your life without difficulty - for new friendships. So, focus on the positives - and you'll be surprised just how quickly your life can change for the better.

Release your brother from your mind already - isn't it enough? I bet if he saw a different person in you, the family relationship may become easier too. Look at this time in your life as liberating - once you get out of your rut, life will look a whole lot better!
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lisatrevor May 2023
"Your brother obviously is aware of your insecurities and he's taken advantage of you"

You are absolutely right. My brother can do this because he's been married for years to a spouse with great wealth which means regardless he'll never been insecure ever again. So he thinks he can push anyone around he thinks is doing something he thinks is not right. I've seen him do it to others. He would have never done that before he got married, He was very vulnerable then. He couldn't make it on his own. His looks are what got him his wife.

Now, many people in the community would never say anything bad to him regardless of how he behaves because his wife is on the board of philanthropic organizations. Everyone "sucks" up to them. Thankfully I speak the truth to whoever someone is. When I was younger there was a very rich woman in my community that everyone knew. She saw me one school night out walking to the store. She said "You should be in doing homework!" because she felt entitled. I had just passed my exams with straight A's and had no more homework. So I said "Mind your own business". Well, there was an uproar in my community that I talked back to this "good" woman and from then on a lot of people didn't want anything to do with me because they thought if they did the rich woman might know and then the woman would might not give them anything. That's how a lot of people are. Not me. At least I have my self-respect.

Oh, years ago when he was "down" he had no problem staying with me and letting me take him out to countless dinners. He respected me back then and never said anything bad to me and never pulled the things he does now.
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LIsa, please get a referral for mental health treatment/counseling/therapy from your PCP. Or find a community organization that makes referrals to LCSW's who do Cognitive Behavior Therapy or DBT.

You have lifelong issues with your family that want some sorting out. Good luck!
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2023
Oh my gosh, hahaha, we were both typing the same message at the same time.

I hope that Lisa will listen to one of us and get the help that she so desperately needs.

I learned so much from you, Barb. I am forever grateful for your help when I was struggling.
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I saw this from a previous post you made:
"I have a good friend that I could call on for moral support but they are going through far worse things than I am. I won't hear from them in months, if not years. Rather ever!"

OP, your good friend is vulnerable and sick. YOU should be the one calling, or sending a nice surprise. A friendly email, an encouragement, flowers...

Be a good friend to others.
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lisatrevor May 2023
I have but the situation with my friend is so serious, both health wise and family wise, that I can not be the one who makes contact. I have always let them know that they contact me anytime. By the way they are not vulnerable in the sense that they have totally supportive loving, capable family. There are certain relationship issues that I need to stay away from however. This may change in the future.
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