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Mom's behaviors continue to increase in being more challenging. I need to keep my BP down after an aortic dissection. I am learning to be less reactive when her behavior agitates me. Made worse by her beloved husband whose ignorance is beyond maddening. I.e. we COULD easily wrap some light weight chain around a couple knobs on doors to our kitchen (2 louvered ones) attach a small (ie luggage) lock and keep her locked out so she couldn't access the fridge which is like her entertainment system. He refuses. A toddler proof locked was defeated when she was determined and put all her strength into it. My plan was that that lock would work and we got a mini fridge for the family room she could access where healthy food and snacks would be for her to find. She has not used that, and it has become a "secret" (but really not) hiding spot where dad has stashed his collection of salad dressings, me a couple bottles of juice I am afraid to open because they may leak if on their sides. She has taken to dumping out things in the big fridge...or possibly consuming them. Condiments, dressings, ketchup, mustard, chocolate syrup etc. She has dumped out my carafe of freshly brewed iced tea 3 times in one week. Last week I suspected something was going on with the bbq sauce. So I have taken to marking with a line on the label what I can. One day the level of product was HIGHER. An equally scary thought. Last week I caught her sticking her dirty fingers into a jar of their jam, to eat....after sucking on her fingers, back in the jar again. Yesterday she was gnawing on celery, unwashed. We cannot watch her 24/7 and the behavior is not so horrendous (and no wandering or bathroom issues) I cannot justify placement, but her refusal to listen and obey others to help maintain boundaries and sanity is a challenge. I do have one toddler lock she has not figured out on the fruit bin in the fridge. So this is my locked safe spot. How have others coped with this issue and/or what type of lock have you used? PS....if she is not challenge enough, my father uses things up he has not purchased so there is none for Me.

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I’m going to ask you to permit me to say something to you that may not have occurred to you yet.

Sometimes, you need to tell a client that you’ve done literally EVERY SINGLE LOVING GENEROUS THING that you can, and that it’s time to consider sharing the care of your cherished LOs with trained professionals who can allow you to become once again the child who loves them, but cannot supervise and care for them 24/7.

You are important, and YOU deserve THE BEST CARE that YOU can GIVE YOURSELF.

A refrigerator lock is SO MINOR, but definitely SO MAJOR. And you know of course that there are all the other SO, BUT NOT SO, but vexing issues that fill your day when trying to do it all for mom and dad.

The last three words of your post brought tears to my eyes, which doesn’t happen here too often. Wait, I’m actually seeing 5 words- “........there is none for ME”.

But you know, you’re not as well right now as you might have been when you took this overwhelming labor-of-love assignment on. And every day, however much you love them, the unexpected idiosyncratic situations are a little more frustrating, a little more wearying.

So starting right now, PLEASE be sure that there’s a balance point, not just for the refrigerators of your life, but for the whole thing. Draw an arbitrary line in the sand, then honor it. Plan for that day in the future when it dawns on you that there HAS TO BE “....SOME FOR YOU.”
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LoopyLoo Feb 2021
Well said. Just because Mom isn’t wandering or having toileting problems yet, doesn’t mean she doesn’t need 24-7 help. Her actions are due to a ‘broken’ brain, and you know it will not improve.

At the rate this is going, you will die before she does. I’m not joking.
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I think that I would be finding locking bins for the fridge. Then they can have access and not be able to spoil or eat your food.

Does dad buy similar items for them that you have on hand? If not, I encourage you to have him buy those items. They obviously enjoy them and it would keep your food safe.

As far as laying juice down and having a leak can I recommend buying some mason jars. They seal well enough to avoid leaks and come in so many sizes that you can do serving sizes, if you wanted. 4oz to 64oz are readily available at any Tractor Supply or Walmart, even hardware stores carry them, then of course you can order them. The plastic ones are pretty handy as well but, I have never laid them down because of the round shape.

If you are planning on locking the fridge, we bought the covered wire rope, .38 cents a foot and the clamps to create circles at the ends and used a keyed padlock. It cost less then 15.00 all together and worked great. We were camp hosting and did not want to worry about our food being tampered with or stolen as the full size fridge sat outside. We were also worried about clever critters finding a way in. Use plastic hooks to have a place for the wire rope to hang when you open it, one for each end, chasing the wire rope was the most frustrating part, until we created a place to hang the ends on.

Another thought, is it possible to put the small fridge next to the big fridge? Then the habit of going to the fridge is not changing the location so dramatically, maybe on the counter next to the fridge. In my dads AL room we put his nightstand on top of his dresser and put the little fridge on top of the nightstand, this was all secured and he loved that he could see everything without having to bend over.

Best of luck finding the best solution.
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My suggestion is to get your own fridge for your exclusive use, put it in your bedroom if that's the only place it can go. Your mini fridge is too small if you can't store items upright, you can probably pick up a full sized one second hand for a lot less than the cost of a mini/bar fridge.
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gdaughter Feb 2021
IF we took a shelf out, things could be upright, but some of the bottles are just the big size and I truly don't need to be cleaning up a sticky juice or punch...The bedroom idea has come up many times by friends and relatives and I inch closer to that. But here's the catch. I'm iin 100 sq feet with a double bed, nightstand, bookcase, dresser, desk and filing cabinet. The floor has some bins for more papers and books. I also have craft supplies stashed in here. It is an absolute mess and nightmare that I hate looking at, but my energies only go so far recuperating and I am not going to kill myself over it.
Prior to getting the mini fridge downstairs we had an electrician out for other purposes. Our home was built in the 60's and things have changed. To update the outlet the fridge is plugged into downstairs (the mini fridge) he said would require rewiring the whole house for thousands of dollars. I am hyperconcerned and would be extremely stressed to leave my pup in here with a potential fire hazard. Yes, she has to stay in here when I am not home (and she can't come with me ALL the time as much as I love her to because of hot weather etc. The electricians comment about the mini fridge Downstairs was to just plug it in and get one of those adaptors at the hardware store if needed. Note I also have to be concerned about the fire risk if either elder is clueless, sleeping, unaware. ANd considering my health, we have to limit the stressors to keep my BP down. Not to mention the royal pain to have things stashed say up here in the bedroom...and the impossibility of preparing food without a nearby sink, water, space. It would be extremely frustrating...but I admit knowing my condiments were safe from contamination etc would be a pleasure. To the end of all this I have considered contacting the fire dept guys and asking if someone could come out and take a look and give me some advice/guidance or reassurance. But as it is such a horrendous mess in here right now, now is not the time. I would be dreadfully embarrassed. Not that they didn't see it when they rescued me when I was sick LOL. You may think another room up here...the bathroom! Great idea...bu the only outlet is on a wall at a distance from the space where it could possibly fit. ANd who really wants FOOD in the BATHROOM? IF it were in the guest bedroom, well the little darling would have access in there as well or we would have to put a lock on THAT door, and I can't begin to tell you how this whole lifestyle gets frustrating and tedious with locking and unlocking...There is absolutely NO WAY for a full sized fridge under any circumstances. I deeply regret our allowing our old fridge to be taken when we got the new one about a year ago before this insanity began. I wish we would have found space for it in our laundry room or garage, though it still would have been massively inconvenient. I just don't think there is an easy answer unless someone builds a fridge with a lock built in or knows of a trick to lock her out that will work. Like I know and said, it won't be forever.
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For the fridge, I went to the craft section of Walmart and found a metal chain. The links are about 1/3 to 1/2 inch circles. I put the chain through the handles of the fridge (I have the 2 door type fridge) and put a small lock through the chain links.

For cabinets, I went to the baby section where they sell child proof locks and bought the best ones available.
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gdaughter Feb 2021
Regrettably I have heard this before, but we have a single handled door fridge, with the handle to one side. Someone has also mentioned putting a bungee cord (with a lock) all the way around. Cupboards as yet are not a problem (shelf stable items more easily hidden or put elsewhere).
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No lock is going to work if her husband (your father?) refuses to cooperate with the idea and allows her access anyway, the chain and padlock is by far the simplest and most inexpensive solution and you have already shot that one down. Bottom line is that you can't change other people and you most definitely can't reason with dementia, the solution has to be something that you can accomplish on your own.
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gdaughter Feb 2021
An accurate assessment if ever there was one. In fact cwillie, my sibling suggested "threatening" agent 103 that I would no longer cook for them if he would not cooperate with the plan of the lock. I took it as a compliment to my cooking which is not professional by any means, but adequate and certainly better and healthier than frozen ( although the frozen have theier place as it allows him to feed himself and my mother and I swear to you the sodium and nutritional value is far better than the garbage I was served in the rehab I was in for 2 weeks!)
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Im sorry but i have missed this drama for too long.......i sure hope you are taking care of YOU and your furbaby! I do have one question tho....why are they both not in AL or MC? You matter just as much as they do and whats ur pup gonna do when you die because of them? Bless your heart, i feel for you 🤤😳 Liz
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gdaughter Feb 2021
Yeah, fridgedrama...could be seen as a comedy drama LOL. thanks for your heartfelt concern, after my illness/surgery I am looking out more for me. I am regaining my energy, stamina and have put me at top of the list instead of the bottom now. Last night dad approached ME when I was captive as I was letting my pup out....he "needed" me to make an appt for HIM at Dr C's. Probably the petty hand issue again, I didn't even ask. I told him HE could do it HIMSELF. HE has a captioned phone and can make calls to relatives he wants or golf plans. They are not in AL or MC because it would imo professional (SW) opinon and lifelong observations and the agreement of other friends, neighbors and relatives kill them. Not to mention the expense. And yes, my being here and supporting them helps me out as well as my income is low and rent in exchange for what I do is a benefit to me. My mother has her however wacky routines and knows the environment etc. So with the dementia being somewhat mangageable, especially now, being here is best. I say especially now because per the surgeon who took care of me the best thing I can do is keep m BP lower. Well, if she were placed just researching, applying, dealing with my father (if he even agreed to it) would be would generate plenty of stress, even more if she were there. This would NOT help anyone. Plus if they both went, they would be separated after 70+ years of marriage. And that is not bearable for anyone. It would kill them both. OR at least Dad. Dad has aging mastered unknowingly by having ME be his new wifey, tending (prior to illness) his every need: although he is capable of going to the store (taking covid precautions) and driving, I had been cooking, cleaning, bill paying, appointment arranging...you get it. He feeds himself, dresses himself, takes care of himself; reads 2 newspapers a day, and gets walking either outside or at the mall if the weather is lousy. He socializes with the neighbors, keeps in touch with out of state relatives. During the summer he thrives. Heat doesn't bother him and he actually likes mowing the lawn (breaking it down to one half one day, the other the next, all before trash pickup day). HE gardens a little. He gets adequate sleep....he's healthier than all of us put together, though he had at one time in his 80's bypass surgery and after he turned 100 he got a pacemaker. You have nailed it though, and if nothing else my pup is my sole motivation for taking better care of me because she is a handful. They love her but he is old school. His deafness and ignorance make him both loud and making sudden moves that set off her reactivity. There is no one else on the planet I really trust to take care of her. It was the reason I told the idiots at rehab hell I was leaving. ANd I was right, I did do better at home. She motivates me to go up and down the stairs and get moving more than the PT people....Thanks for the compassion, it is truly much appreciated. The illness episode resulted in my discovery of people I THOUGHT were friends, not being, but as well good people made themselves available, including neighbors who looked out for the elders. I also have a friend who stopped in 2x a day to check in on my cutie (while keeping an eye on the folks:-). I should be able to retire this year! For the best outcome financially I need to hang tight till December, or at least July. I am currently working gratefully, remotely. Thanks for caring....
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Can you put a second fridge (the one you really use) in a separate space such as a garage, and then just leave stuff for her in the one she is used to - buy preprepared celery sticks of she likes those, small sizes in jams, make up jellly or buy pots of custard - whatever she likes. And don't worry if she eats it with unwashed hands, she has lived to the age she is going through sensible attitudes to dirt and bugs not our modern mania for sterility, she isn't going to "catch" something provided you keep her food stash fresh. Good luck.
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gdaughter Feb 2021
One of my biggest regrets now, not having had a crystal ball, is that when we got the new fridge about a year ago, we had them take the old one away for recycling....if I'd known I would have found a way to make room in the garage or laundry room as environmentally inefficient as it would be. In the end it is my father who is the problem refusing to lock her out of the kitchen which is the easiest path to take and then allow her full access to the mini fridge in the family room. I'm not worried about HER and her germs and unwashed hands and unclean mouth as I will touch and eat nothing at risk of her having been in it....but I worry about me, and about blatant ignorance of food safety and things being left on the counter. I know about food safe handling and it makes me insane!
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I’ve used a bungeee cord but it can be easily cut. I now hide items my Dad with dementia likes behind items he doesn’t like. I hide food behind a wall of eggs or egg cartons. I hide food behind jars of horseradish, pickles, mustard and ketchup. I’ve even hidden food like covered dishes of fruit under bags of prewashed lettuce mix.
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gdaughter Feb 2021
God bless! YOu know the game! WHich is so exhausting! Get this: I am fond of Nellie's eggs. They are very costly but give me peace when I use them...well mom was taking them! Yes. Unclear if she thought they were hard boiled or what but I think she was actually cracking and eating them raw...so they got shoved in the mini fridge which of course has limited space. I had my salad spinner (often filled with torn ready to use greens for ME) blocking the view of something else, and dad took and used/ate the greens. How nice for HIM. SHE adores her pickles and olives...has eaten a pound of dill pickle chips in one sitting. Same for big Costco sized jar of olives...hidden by maple syrup jug (I pray she has not been in) and mayo. SHe ate half the olive jar one day and finished it off another. IF she isn't eating the condiments she entertains herself by dumping them out. Same for chocolate syrup. Dad could watch her better, but it is an unfair burden to place on him. I simply would go insane on top of trying to work remotely from the upstairs. Day care would be heartattack in the wings for either of us trying to get her uncooperative self up and dressed let along board a van....or even be taken. Dad has enough of a struggle with her biweekly hair (washing) appt. I currently have a box of fruit up here in the bedroom (going to get a bowl for it). It's just insane.
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Maybe consider attaching metal cable with loops at the ends around the refrigeration and lock when you need to. Other option is to get a refrigerator and place it in the garage to hold the majority of your food. Let the kitchen refrigerator be her snacking station.
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gdaughter Feb 2021
Yeah, well not too convenient to go into the garage when trying to make dinner. And this was the premise behind the original plan to lock her out of the kitchen and have her be able to access the mini fridge we bought specifically for this purpose and put in the family room...for that to be her healthy snacking station so to speak.
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gdaughter, my spouse has ischemic dementia and is diabetic. I am fortunate that from day one we had a refrigerator in the garage. However, I want to mention to you, and other interested readers, that there is another option. I recently replaced our upright freezer and discovered that there are models that can be used as either freezer or refrigerators, and some to come with a lock! Some models come "garage ready" (geared to be more efficient in variable temps.) I know it's not been an easy time to shop for appliance because of covid disrupting supply lines etc but I think availability is easy up. May be worth talking a look. Failing that, chain and padlock would be an alternative though an extreme one.
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gdaughter Feb 2021
Oh, that is good to know, but just not feasible for us especially now. My big regret is that when we replaced former fridge we had it taken away and had I had a crystal ball I would have tried to find a way to get it to fit in the garage or our laundry room. Our city provided supersized bins for recycle and trash (No options) and so the space is gone from that. In any case as awful as it is, I just couldn't justify are buying another one so soon and I'm sure dad would not agree. He is becoming as big a problem as mom due to his stubborness. I am hoping that her poopy accident in the living room this past weekend which greatly bothers him will change his thinking since what she had consumed I suspect was a factor....but I'm not getting my hopes up too high. It really would not be so hard to just lock her out of the kitchen if he'd cooperate!
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