Anyone take care of two parents (both in their 90s) at the same time? How did you cope? Seems uncommon to still have both at that age.

I took care of my mom in her 90’s. My dad died at age 85.

There are posters on the forum that have been in your shoes. Some parents have lived past 100!

It’s definitely frustrating and challenging being a caregiver. Do you have any outside help?

Wishing you peace as you continue on with your caregiver journey.

No, my mother is 98, she is in AL. I have a step-mother in MC, she is 85. My brother & I oversee them both.

I could never take care of one let alone two in a home environment.

My mindset in no way coincides with my mothers, twenty two years difference in age cannot be linked together and my step-mother her mind is gone.

How to cope? Got me thinking about the word *cope*
Definition: deal effectively with something difficult.

I suppose it depends what you need.

Is it emotional support?
Medical help?
Legal help?
Is it the right equipment to assist mobility?
Do you need many more hands?
Or defined 'working hours' so you can knock-off & have some free time?

Have a think about what you need to improve things to an easier level to cope with.

Once you identify what you need, hopefully it will become a little clearer how to proceed. We can then make suggestions about how to find the resources.

My MIL and her sister did with their parents at their home, until their dad passed at home days after turning 98. Grandma was 97. Then Grandma stayed at home until she very recently went to AL at nearly 99. The ONLY reasons they were able to do it so long was because: Nobody was bedridden, grandma still mentally sharp, plus BOTH sisters( plus some other family members) helped as needed. It was still hard. One or the other of them Was always falling, going to ER, etc. Grandpa refused hired help when they tried that, became belligerent. Their decline began as COVID was hitting and went on for both and now just grandma. Her being in AL is a huge help. She’d had a couple of bad falls and her dr finally said she must be in 24 hour care.

Oh yeah. Mom was 90 and Dad 95. We had 3 caregivers and still constant emergencies. Mom fell on her head and need to go to the ER. Dad with some dementia repeating over and over “where is she?” Dad fell and broke his hip and became wheelchair bound. Even with help it was very crazy-making. Hold on. They really won’t be around that much longer.

My parents are able to afford to have home care from Visiting Angels. They were very careful to save their money over the years, including money inherited from a couple of siblings who never married / had no children. In that way, they were incredibly blessed. So I’m certainly not complaining, and I have no right to complain, especially knowing what others go though, whose parents cannot afford home care. I have a lot to be grateful for, and I am!

Visiting Angels is very expensive, but my parents still have enough money to last a couple of years, to cover that home care. But I know they are worried about what would happen if either of them outlive their money.

And yet even with the Visiting Angels home care, there is still quite a lot that I personally have to handle. Such as anything of a financial nature, the upkeep of the house, all the doctor’s’ appointments, all the phone calls, various miscellaneous things that I can’t think of, off the top of my head.

It’s so painful to watch them both decline. Neither one of them has any dementia - they are both still sharp as whips! That is yet another incredible blessing! Their problems are all physical in nature, and quite severe. I know how much they miss their independence, and their ability to do all these things for themselves. It’s very difficult to exist in a broken body when your mind is still fully functioning.

Anyway, it’s heartbreaking enough when you’re only dealing with one parent, but when it’s both of them at the same time, in their 90’s, WOW, it’s a LOT…

Hi Umbrellagirl, Nice to meet you. My mother just turned 95 and my father will be 95 next month. I don’t think there are many like us out there.

my father had to go into a NH in January. His health declined and we could not handle his care at home any longer. My mother is lingering at home. She got a pacemaker last year and could probably be like this for years.

We are trying to get our mother into the same NH but that’s not proving to be easy for financial reasons and because the NH had no beds available.

its been easier with my dad in the NH, I have to say last year was awful. This year has been a little less awful because we are only dealing with my mothers care. I visit my dad every day when I’m staying at my parents’ home but I can just be a daughter and advocate for him. I do not have to worry about the logistics of care management like I do with my mother.

I am at my parents every other month for one month stretches. I split the caregiving tasks with my sister.

It’s very stressful handling caregiving for two parents simultaneously. It is hard enough to do for one. I cope because I have an extremely supportive husband who travels with me and stays with me at my parents and I have one sister who stepped up to the plate. We work together to make this work. and of course a glass or two of wine a day doesn’t hurt.

Good luck to you.

I am just starting my journey in taking care of both my parents (coming up on the 1 year mark now). My mother is only 79 and is a good 3 years into her dementia diagnosis. My dad is 84.
Today I’m coping by taking a “mental health day” and reading up on “how to cope”!

My parents lived to be 92 (Dad) and 95 (Mom). When Dad was diagnosed with cancer at 91, Mom was in assisted living. She had a paid companion hired by Dad. The companion helped her dress, go out socially and took her to her many doctor appointments. I was hands-on caregiver for Dad in their home until he had an operation and we needed 24/7 care for him. He stayed at home and we had one live-in caregiver and several relief caregivers. I was there often to help. He developed dementia, which might have started before but was definitely increasing after his surgery. Cancer was his cause of death.

After dad died, I wanted to keep his live-in caregiver for Mom, who had started having dementia symptoms. Mom moved back to the home she and dad had shared. We had the same relief caregivers that we'd had for dad. She lived five more years, eventually unable to walk, talk, or understand anything. Her teeth were brown. Her arms were drawn up due to (I think) muscle contracture. Her cause of death was listed as dementia.

I managed everything, including the house, repairs, finances, their business that paid for their care, etc. etc. etc. Her needs were endless, ongoing and consuming of my life.

My takeaways: (1) I would never keep them at home again; Mom in particular could have been in a facility and wouldn't have known the difference, plus the family would have been better off emotionally, mentally, financially, and timewise. (2) Because of this experience I am a big believer in physician-assisted suicide. Both Dad and Mom repeatedly begged to die and there was no way to help them. It was heartbreaking, and I am forever traumatized from that and the whole ordeal.

In short, I wouldn't wish my experience taking care of both parents on my worst enemy.

It is not uncommon that people are living longer. My friend’s mother was 103 years old when she passed away two months ago. Because of lifestyle, people are living longer.

Since you seem overwhelmed by taking care of both your parents, you definitely need help with caregiving. It is time for you to put your parents in a nursing facility such as AL, etc.

Good luck, and remember that your health matters too.

My parents lived until 93 and 94 at their home. I was there caretaker for a very long 14 years. My mother was the easiest - going blind and losing her mind, but usually pleasant to be around. My father was his usual demanding narc a**-hat self - as the years passed he got worse. Only my father was bedridden for several months. The three hour round trips to VA doctors got old fast. I could never please my father when I was a child, and the same as an adult. My sister (the princess) lived close, but only came to visit when she wanted something. They did not want outside help and would not go to a NH. My father had blown most of their finances on his "get rich schemes".

If I had the choice again, I would have left the country like I had planned. I cannot do it now, because my heath is ruined and I will not live a long life like my parents. Since I have terminal cancer, my son and I have decided he will not be a caretaker.

Please do not take on caring for two elders. It will kill you.

UmbrellaGirl: People are typically living longer. The age of the centenarian is becoming more commonplace.

My mother took care of both her in-laws well into their 90’s. I don’t think it’s as uncommon as you might think.

Southernwaver: Totally agree. We shouldn't have to spend thousands of dollars to go to Switzerland! However, for those who have the $$$, it's a more rational expenditure, IMO, than the hundreds of thousands that flow into FOR-PROFIT LTC facilities/elder warehouses (recognizing that some/a few are well run). That kind of "life" just holds NO appeal for me.

My mother nearly was discharged Friday from the hospital to go to the rehab in the same facility that my dad is in. Unfortunately because she is still testing positive for covid the only bed they had was in a shared room. Still waiting for a private room. I just hope it comes available this week because if it doesn't our plan to place my mother in the facility with my dad falls apart if she has to go to another rehab facility. It all seems so daunting and I am so consumed with worry about this, applying for Medicaid and the distinct possibility we will have to sell her house. I just don't know how I am going to get through this. I'm just so exhausted, all I want to do is sleep. The last three years of my life have been spent navigating one crisis after another for two people who did not plan for their final years. I really cannot handle it anymore.

I can definitely relate. My parents are six months apart in age. Mom is 94 and Dad will be 94 next month. My responsibilities in caring for them have grown over the last six years, when both my husband and I retired and moved from California to Oregon. My parents were gracious enough to move into an independent living facility about 40 minutes from my new home.

It's been a roller coaster ride with Dad going through several rounds of radiation for skin cancer, a broken hip, then CHF. I commuted daily to their place and to hospitals and doctors during that time. He is still fully cognizant, though, which is a blessing.

Mom had signs of dementia before we moved and it has progressed. She fell and broke a shoulder in 2020. I spent six weeks sleeping in their apartment on a recliner after I brought Mom home from the SNF. She was so confused and frail and as it turns out, they had her on a higher dose of one of her medications (which made her confused). That was during the time when family members were not allowed into care facilities. Once she was stable, we moved them to assisted living closer to my home in July of that year. COVID precautions kept them locked up during that time and mom deteriorated. I took them to/from all their doctor appointments and would bring them to my house for "outings," which only made mom weary. She was diagnosed with late stage Alzheimers in 2021, but still managed to get around the apartment and go to meals with my dad (although she protested a lot...it took so much out of her to get up, wash up, get dressed then go down for meals). She got Norovirus in mid-December 2022 (I got it from her, but was better in 2 days) and that's when we put her on home hospice care. Dad started bringing meals up for her and I'd reheat them. She's fallen several times since then and I've always helped care for them during convalescence (they don't like to use the call button at AL).

I recently fell and broke my shoulder and was still trying to do it all, until Mom had a stroke after my shoulder replacement surgery. I finally hired a caregiver to come in 2 hours every morning to help with mom. She has been a godsend, but now we are going through their money faster than anticipated. Next step is to apply for VA benefits.

I am grateful that I finally convinced Dad to use the call button (mom fell again trying to go to the bathroom herself0.

My husband and I have cancelled numerous trips this past summer - not only because of my shoulder, but also because every time my mom appears "stable," she will then take a turn for the worse, then she rebounds, but not back to where she was prior. It's just a cruel deterioration of her body, mind and dignity. She's living the nightmare she never wanted to be in. She's asked everyone who comes in to assist in her care why they can't help her die.

I agree with some of the others who have mentioned assisted suicide. Both my husband and I agree that we will be heading to Switzerland at the right time to go out with dignity.

I am not complaining about taking care of them, but I totally relate to UmbrellaGirl and others who are caring for two parents. I know Mom and Dad never wanted it to be this way, but I'll do everything I can to help them and hopefully keep my sanity.

I guess there's a small group of people in this club, since there have been so few responses, but it's nice to know I'm not the only one!

I have my mother with me because she is bedridden and I am the only daughter. She is 96 and has been with me and my husband for three years. My father lives in his residence with my single younger brother. He will be 98 soon. That’s how we are making it work for now. We both have some outside help from paid aides. But, as someone else said, our lives have been unexpectedly “highjacked.” My parents never had to take care of their parents - two died and the other two went into nursing homes on Medicaid or some assistance program at the time. It’s not that simple in today’s world. The price of care is out of reach for most middle class people to sustain for long. It is a profit driven industry that has very little oversight and which I am certain is engaging in price fixing every single day. Why is this allowed to happen? Because old people are throw away people who should have died but had the unfortunate luck to live well past their prime. No one seems to care that these people, many of whom were hard working and contributed to society, cannot come up with $7,000 or more per month or that the “care” that they are paying for in no way justifies these prices.
Having two parents at the same time means you have to factor in the money situation for both and try not to leave the last one standing with nothing for their care. How do you do that? There’s no guide or magic formula. How do you know if it’s ok to put the more needy one in AL or a SNF to get some relief for yourself or other family without the benefit of a crystal ball to see the future needs of the other parent? Do you hold out for the time when they absolutely need a SNF or pay for AL for one now in order to get some of your life back. What if they can’t be together? One has to go to a SNF but the other can go to AL at $16,000 combined per month? If you are financial POA how do you balance their needs with yours and make the money last so it is there when they really need it? Unless of course they die first - which only the crystal ball knows. If I knew that would happen, I would set them up in the finest continuing care facility I could find right now so that they could be as together as is possible - him in AL and her in the SNF. But my brother and I don’t have a crystal ball. What we know for certain is that if/when both need to go to a facility it will likely cost them at least $16,000 per month! Because of their present age, and because they were responsible planners, they might have enough $ to make it two or three years at that unbelievable predatory rate, but it will take everything they have and is not sustainable for very long. Imagine we had done that three years ago when this all started. They would already be out of money!!
People tell us we are lucky to still have them but are we really? We love them very much, but they are no longer the same parents we knew. And are they lucky? It seems to me that our society has a very twisted view of age, aging and dying. When you reach your 70s and above, you become irrelevant, “too old”, and somewhat invisible. We were all young once and perhaps treated our elders the same. But strangely enough, today the achievement of reaching 100 somehow is enough for people to notice and celebrate you again for one brief moment. They plaster your face on a jelly jar, call the local news reporters and sing Happy Birthday for the cameras. Then you go back to living in your frail body in the overpriced facility with undersized services that society really does not want to help you pay for. But society has no problem telling people that the right to decide your tolerance of having no quality of life for yourself is not your right. The elder care system in the U.S. is a travesty. There is too much greed, fraud and influence peddling behind the cost of living into your eighties and above.