My dad is 83 and had his leg amputated from poor circulation 2 years ago. After rehab, he was able to come home and could transfer himself to a wheelchair etc and only had home healthcare come in 3x a week for physical therapy and baths. He was doing great. He also lives with my mother, so he is not alone, but she cannot lift him. In the fall he started developing more health problems. He is no longer able to put weight on his remaining leg, has congestive heart failure and his leg from foot to thigh is swollen, his heart is only working at 30% efficiency, and he is getting aspirated pneumonia from food going into his lungs. So we put him in a nursing home for rehab as he fell once and then kept calling the police because he "needed help now.". But he is not progressing. He calls 911 whenever he can get a phone and demands to go to the hospital, he threatens everywhere he is at that he is going to call the police, he's going to sue them, etc. He says he is not getting the care he needs and being refused his rights. The hospital doesn't want to transfer him to the commode because of the danger to both him and staff, as he had an incident where his foot slipped, hit equipment, and tore his toenail off--of course he threatened to sue. The staff at the Nursing Home is sometimes short-handed and one person (woman) cannot move him so they use a hydraulic lifter, which he hates; says it hurts and you can hear him yelling in his room. Now he is demanding to come home. He would need 24 hour care and even with that, one person cannot lift him, nor do I think they would put up with his shenanigans. He is out of control. The hospital just called today and said they are trying to do the best for him. it is just chaos with him and anyone he comes in contact with that works at the hospital or nursing home. I know this is just because he has nothing left to control in his life and he is lashing out. He doesn't want to be "left in the bed to just die." Not for sure what to do at this point. it's frustrating for my mom, me, my other siblings won't have anything to do with him; and I'm afraid that he will get thrown out of the nursing home with his demands. He wants constant attention...NOW. And nobody can do anything right. He has been in the nursing home since early December. He's gone to the hospital at least 7 times since mid November...at 3 times since he's been in the Nursing Home. One time 2 x in 24 hrs!
Why does he keep wanting to go to the hospital? Does he think he'll get better care there? Does he? What kind of "rehab" services is he getting? Can he learn to minimize the risks of aspiration? Are there things he can/should be doing to reduce the swelling in his leg? Is there any hope that any of his chronic conditions can be improved?
He feels that he is not getting the care he deserves and his rights are being violated. Perhaps it would make him feel better to talk to someone from the Long-Term Care Ombudsman Program. Every state has this program. Look it up on the internet and help him make contact. Advise him to come up with specific examples of what he considers deficiencies and also that he will be taken more seriously if he can keep his temper in check and talk calmly and factually about what is wrong. Maybe you can help him practice what he is going to say.
I suggest this to help him understand that you take him seriously, that you care about his anguish, that there are people in "the establishment" whose job it is to care about what happens to people who have lost their power to control their own lives, and to give him something positive to focus on for a while. Whether there is anything in his long list of complaints that really should be addressed and corrected remains to be seen. But at least he can exercise his right to be heard.
It is very caring of you to want to ease his burden. I hope you can succeed in at least some small ways.
Keep your mother's needs in mind, too. Under no circumstances should she be expected to have him at home. She can visit him as often and as long as they both like, where he is. But she certainly cannot handle what the professionals with around-the-clock staffing are having a hard time handling.
Best wishes to you all. This is a very difficult journey you are all on.
As to the demands to go into hospital - I had this also - even when he went into care - he is of the school of thought that you will get the old fashioned 'nurse by your bed' and doctors advising you type of attention if you are in a proper hospital. I make sure I point out newspaper articles criticising poor healthcare in hospitals and lack of adequate nursing staff and then I praise the nursing staff at the care home and their expertise, and slowly he is stopping the hospital demands and realises that it would actually be a scary place to be as he would be alone and not in his own bed anymore and would not get put to bed;dressed; his own table for meals; company etc.
I have been finding lately that when I talk to my dad - I just listen more, and instead of trying to find solutions to his problems instantly, if I distract him with asking him how he feels etc and not trying to 'solve' his emotional issues, then it seems to calm him down. I also try to make him feel good about himself by saying things like "Your room is really nice Dad, its the best one on the landing, they must like you here as you seem to get special treatment etc etc" - then he feels special and liked and sometimes even smiles!
I hope this makes you realise that its not just your dad's physical condition that is making him like this - its rage and fear and frustration.
Good luck and you are not alone.
A friend told me her mom was so mean they had to move her around from facility to facility as she would get kicked out. I hope we do not have to go through that. My mom worries and stresses and is embarrassed by his behavior and it is affecting her health as well.
My dad has always been one to call an ambulance about everything.The last few years he has gone to the hospital more times than I can count. I think he has a total fear of dying or something. Even when he was in the hospital, when his toenail was torn off when his foot slipped while being transferred, he wanted to be taken down to the ER for his toe! I said what are they going to do for you there that they can't do for you right where you are?
For a man who was a superintendent of schools, it is surprising that he doesn't read. He hates TV. He retired early and spent the remaining years, until his leg amputation 2 years ago, raising cattle, mowing hay, having a garden...outdoor activities. Even after his leg amputation, do you know what he did this summer? He got a 70-some year old helper and they repainted his treasured tractor. I would go by and see him out in his wheelchair under a shade tree sanding the side of his tractor. My mom & siblings thought it was a waste of money, he wasn't ever going to use that tractor again, but who cares, it's his money and was keeping him busy and giving him a purpose. Even old and stuck in a wheelchair, he could do something useful. Now he eats, sleeps and stares at the walls thinking about his situation...or gripes.
And yes, they have talked to him about his aspiration. He should be on a "thickened" diet. He had this problem 2 year ago, they put him on the thick diet. That lasted about a week. Then he was crying "I can't take it any more." So went back to regular food. And has not had pneumonia since until November. So because they told him 2 years ago that he would keep getting pneumonia and die, he thinks they are wrong and he is right.
The hospital told me his situation is not good. Basically that he was not going to get better, he would not get stronger, just keep getting weaker, keep getting pneumonia and if he took a turn for the worse once in the nursing home, to consider calling hospice.
I am so sorry to hear about your Dad...but I understand. My mother in law was diagnosed with Alzheimers 8 years ago. Five years ago she had to go to an assisted living home. She was aweful to deal with for about 1 year. She would tell anyone who would listen that we stole her money and her house. She called all my neighbors and tried to turn them against me. She called all her neighbors and the one neighbor had my husband investigated for elder abuse. The other siblings never came around since she started having problems because she was so erratic and they didn't understand the mental complications. She would sit by the phone and call,all day long. She talked to the Ombudsman Program because she was also claiming that the home was mistreating her. We knew she was not being mistreated because we were there every day! As soon as we would walk out and a nurse would walk in, she would be telling her how we never come to see her and we don't do anything for her. She practically lived with us for 7 years after my father in laws passing. She ate all her meals with us, went every where we did...even vacations. But she didn't understand what was going on in her mind. She lashed out at us because she knew we would never leave her....
I had her assessed by our family doctor and a psychiatrist and she was placed on medication. It didn't make her goofy or tired. The psychiatrist wrote a letter to her stating because of her condition, she could not longer live on her own and needed additional care. This helped me because she would always ask me when I was taking her home and I would tell her that when the doctors say I can,,,I will.
She was in a nursing home for 5 years total. The last 4 years were better. We always took her home for all the holidays. And she stayed over night for xmas and Easter until last year until she fell at the home and fractured her back.
This past year has been wonderful..She has never,ever been mean. She never complained about me not being there because she acturally thought I was there all the time.
In November, I did get to bring my mother in law, my other mother and she always told everyone I was her "best friend", home. She could no longer use her legs at all and was filling with fluid. The doctors told me I could bring her home and it was the best thing I had ever done.
I always felt guilty that she was in the home. I was with her 24/7 and slept on a couch next to her bed. She knew she was home. It was just amazing. I had hospice and they were wonderful. She had a problem eating but the first few days she was so happy. She had a decent appetite and she would talk and talk and then she slowly quit eating. The day before Thanksgiving, she could no longer speak to us but she would call out to her mom and dad.
Then Thanksgiving Day was like a miracle. She woke up to the smell of coffee and a fresh turkey in the oven. She kept asking me what she could do to help me. (Even though she hasn't been able to move for months.) I had to give her liquid morphine for pain and acetominophen suppositories for exposives fevers but on Thanksgiving, she woke up and she was fine. No meds...all day. She talked all day long...telling us the things she needed to tell us..especially how She was having a little bit of a time so I elevated the bed and I got in bed with her and just held her...just praying the Lords Prayer and in my mind just praying that the good Lord would taker her quickly. I kept telling her that I would take care of her son and her grandchildren. Once she calmed, I got my husband and my children(15 & 21) out of bed to spend time with their grandma. It was beautiful. Before we brought Mom home, I talked to my kids and they also wanted her here. I didn't want them to feel sad because she died here. She wa only home for 12 days, but I cherish that time. God gave us a wonderful gift.
This is a long story to tell you that when our parents are older and ill, it is very difficult. Just realize, this isn't your dad talking. I am sure he was accustomed to taking care of himself and everyone else and then when these things happen, they lash out at the one they can count on....you.
Hopefully with the help of doctors or if he has dementia,he will move to another stage..Please don't resent him. I would pray that the Lord would take Mom because she was so different and she just didn't understand. I was reasoning with a 4 year old child.
And now I am greatful, that she chose me to be her daughter in law,her daughter and her best friend. She came home to pass and she knew I would take care of her. She could trust me when she was in her most vulnerable situation. And most importantly she was always treated and could also pass with dignaty. I think this is the thing the our parents have the most problems with because very quickly, they are wearing diapers, stange people are putting them on the toilet and combing their hair.
I hope this helps....I will keep you family in my prayers.....Sherri