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Hi all.

I fished around the site for some answers to this question, but most were related to urinary incontinence. Today was the second incident where Daddy had the...other issue.

Both times, he did not even realize he had "gone". He stated that he thought he smelled something and when he stood up realized what had happened. I could hear the embarrassment in his voice.

I assured him that everything was OK (I was at my part time job at the time and couldn't leave), but I think we need to consider Depends or something like them. I can guarantee that he will NOT want to hear of this, but it's needed.

Any suggestions on how to get a stubborn, ex Navy man to wrap his head around incontinence products?

Incidentally (completely off topic), I find it ironic that Dad complains about the man at his Adult Day Center with Alzheimer's that asks him the same question repeatedly and wears incontinence products. Daddy calls him crazy and yells at him. Does he truly not realize that he has similar patterns?

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Tinyblu, my Mom had a hard time trying to get my Dad to wear anything.... Dad would comment was only women wear those things.... [rolling eyes].

Well, the final breaking point was Mom [98] was tired of cleaning up the rugs from all the accidents so one day she stopped doing the cleaning. She handed my Dad [94] the spray cleaner, the brush, and the paper towels. After a few weeks of Dad cleaning up his own messes, he decided to try the Depends and the Guards. Now Dad wears them all the time. Now if only I could get him to put on fresh ones life would [ahem] smell better :)

As for your Dad complaining about another guy at the Adult Day Center, most people do not see themselves in others. My sig other, personality wise, was so much like my Mom but he refused to see it.
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Tinyblu, is there anyone in your dad's life he has a special bond with who might be able to talk with him? I would probably never have been able to convince my mom to wear them, but my oldest sister can get my mom to do almost anything. I was speaking with a friend recently who said she had a very special bond with her grandmother, and at the time when her grandmother started having some significant problems my friend was really the only one who could get her to do the things that were needed. Just a thought. I'm glad your dad goes to the Adult Day center - my mom would never consider hanging around those "old people" all day. She's 86 - I guess in her mind she's still a spring chicken!
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TENA for men is a product that has gray stripes and waistband and looks a little more like regular underwear. Maybe your dad would try them. I found that it helped to pull them out of the package, fluff them up and put them in the drawer in place of the regular underwear. Good luck!
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Hard to do for certain. Pardon my asking or suggesting....make sure he does not have a loose stool from diet, meds, dirty hands etc. Incontinence products help with clean up but of course will not change the problem. There are incontinence products that help catch the "backdoor" also and you should search the sites for them. Usually found on more specific sites for senior products. If he is still able to feel "embarrassed" that might be your gentle way of persuading him. Also suggest that you have sometimes had a similar issue and you have used the disposables also.
And I agree with above....Dad probably does not see that he has similar traits as the friend in ADC Center. Too bad they can't see the good traits also! Good luck.
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I found replacing the regular underware with the depends was the answer. Put them in his dresser, and put them in the bathroom. My husband would blame the cat or the dog for the trail of water going to the bathroom. Didn't believe me when I told him he didn't make it to the bathroom. No point in telling him when he has an accident, as he doesn't think it is him and won't remember. I just have to be one step ahead of him.
I have removed the rugs and put a pad down on the furniture where he sits, covered with some nice fabric.
It probably harder with a Dad, rather then a husband, as you don't want to get personal. Be loving and he will come around.
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Agree with above on the products that look like real underwear. That's one of the ways my sister got my mom to wear them - she has her 'pretty pink panties'
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Replace all underwear with depends or equivalent. Try scheduling toilet visits every two hours. Keep a log book to track the BMs, and try to get him there about his regular time. Research the Internet, and determine the correct amount of bleach (one quarter cup to three inches or so bath water) and use that to assist cleanliness on his periodic baths. Much useful tips available in books and Internet to assist you handle this difficult problem.
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Similar situation. I am daughter taking care dad. Just us two left in family. Dad was embarrassed so I started him with women's mini pads then maxi pads (hard to find anymore without wings) then I ordered samples from all companies for underwear and he would have none of it. Thinks he needs both underwear pads and real underwear so I swapped women's pads to mens pads and he hates most name brands so he uses CVS mens pads. He hates wearing anything thats labeled women's so shocked he did that. One more thing is when we have an appt we take his lunch time water pill after we get home. This has helped with dr appt because dad has Parkinson's and has heck of a time in small bathrooms in a lot of offices.
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I always found it interesting that men will not wear what women wear.... but women have no problem wearing items that men wear. Like, what's up with that?
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My FIL had the same problem. I never did "solve it" but I sure went through a rough patch trying to convince him that he HAD to wash his hands after using the toilet ( a big cause of the runs) and he really had to eat less spicy foods, which seemed to make it worse. Oh,and to SHOWER afterwards.

He loved going out to eat....and more than once he'd order a meal, then have this "look" on his face that he'd messed himself...luckily I always had my hubby along on these occasions--so I took to carrying large antibacterial wipes--and alerting the waitress as to what had happened. I would clean up after him (greater love hath no DIL!!) while my hubby waited with dad in the car. I would ALWAYS tip this poor waitress at least $20.

Dad wore "thong style" underwear, so imagine this problem, compounded by that. I wish I had just bought him men's style adult diapers--but this was 13 years ago--I was a novice to care.

In the hospital, they simply put him in "diapers" and no questions were asked.If this were the case now, I would confiscate all his leopard print thongs and replace them with the thinnest of men's incontinence brief. No other choice for him.

This isn't just and issue of dignity, it is a concern of general public health!!!

Make sure dad knows these are MEN'S products. That was a sticking point for dad, the one time I tried to approach him.
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I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.It's hard on both the caregiver and the patient and embarrassing but as time goes by,it becomesthe least of your worries,sad to say.My Mom usedto drop turdballs down the hallway on our way to the den.She had no clue and always blamed it on the dog....I used Depends with a huge kotex in them to catch it all.I really hope you find a system that works for you all.Take care.....
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We're dealing with similar experiences as well. It took some time and patience to get Dad (90) on track with wearing incontinence products until we finally just substituted them for his briefs. After continued resistance and Dad doing without for some time, he finally caught on and fully embraced the product. What a relief at the time! The story still continues, however, as he now either needs to be reminded to change to clean ones periodically, or to put them on at all. In his current state he will occasionally try to put dirty clothes on over clean ones or incontinence product on last - over his clothing - unless gently reminded. I can foresee what may lie ahead and only hope that we will be up to the next level of challenges.
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My Dad's caregiver will not start my Dad on incontinence underwear because he says once they start wearing it, they won't use the normal toilet. I'm going to post this as a separate question to see if anyone else has this issue. Tinyblu, stay tuned.
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Oh the "runs". Dad's caregiver noticed that my Dad has more of an issue when he eats raisin bran cereal on a continuous basis instead of switching off to other non-bran cereals.

Dairy products is another issue with my Dad. I don't know how many times I told Dad not to order ice cream when he is in the facility restaurant unless he had taken his LACTAID® pill first. Seems to go in one ear and out the next. And he's had this issue for many years, so it's not like it is something brand new.... [sigh].
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Since Dad was embarrassed by the situation, might think about positioning it this way (only kinder and more loving): No one will know you are wearing Depends (or Tena or whatever). But EVERYONE will know you've had an accident. Which is more embarrassing for you?
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My adult son is disabled and has always worn diapers. I was very close to my dad and my dad also adored his namesake - his grandson. So adult diapers weren't a big taboo with us - just a fact of life. I don't even recall how it came to be that my dad started wearing them. My mother on the other hand was a vastly different situation. For several years she wet - and sat in her chairs, car, couch... No one ever wanted to sit down when visiting my mom. I tried talking to her about it and she would deny it was occurring - and when my mom says something isn't so, then it isn't - she could have urine running down her legs. Anyhow - I bought some nice women's depends and put them in her bathroom and one day she started to use them. But then came the issue of her treating them as a replacement for going into the bathroom - even though she still could a lot of the time. She would just full-on pee in her depends, not change them and then continue on sitting down, leaking through...and still no one really wants to sit down anywhere in her room. (Sigh)
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Tinyblu, I bought my Mom her first pack of Depends two days ago. She had messed herself trying to get to the toilet almost every day for the past week. I had so much Laundry, underpants and PJ's and wash clothes and towels. What took the cake is when I was at work, I called my husband who cares for her. He said she had an accident and needed a shower. I told him I would be right home. I work 5 minutes away so it's convenient. Although he would have helped my mom, he didn't want to embarrass her. I immediately left work and stopped at the nearby pharmacy and picked up Depends, adult wipes and a package of large pads to lay on the sofa and bed as a preventative. I just put them on her, no questions asked. Today she had them on when she went to the doctor. When we came home she used the bathroom. I stepped out to give her some privacy and when I came back in to my surprise she was pulling the Depends underpants completely apart into smithereens! I asked her what she was doing and she told me my husband told her to pull them apart. I think he told her to pull them from the side because they can be ripped and taken off. She literally did what he said. Lol she did t want to wear them for her nap so I told her she cannot go in her pants. Hopefully I didn't make a mistake by allowing her the regular underwear. Sonce your FIL is having accidents, I suggest using the underpants that can be torn on the side. This way they will be easier for them to be removed if there's a bowel movement in them. Otherwise you may have issues with them pulling their pants down and having feces on their legs. Just a suggestion. Good luck.
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Honesty is the best policy. I hope when I need diapers someone tells me because I might be too stubborn or senile to realize it as I age.
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Hi tinyblu! My dad doesn't have dementia but he does have rectal 'leakage' and because of a partial bowel obstruction, he can have explosively loose bowels...where he often doesn't make it to the toilet...and/or misses the toilet and 'stuff' winds up on the walls and floor and around the toilet. So he uses 'butterflies' that tape over his anus and catches the leakage. For the explosive bm's I am finally getting him to use depends. Thankfully, unlike your dad, he still is cognizant and really doesn't want to have an accident. I don't want him to either as cleaning this up is really not my favorite thing to do! I agree with the others....just take his choice of underwear away and replace with depends. My mom died of ALZ. so I know how hard it can be to keep them using the depends and to make sure they change them often!! I found that if I addressed the issue as if it were not even a choice (i.e. "Please, Dad") or in my case Mom, I actually stood a better chance of getting her to do what I wanted. Eventually she was bed-ridden with a catheter and diapers and the situation resolved itself. I wish you and your family the best, many Blessings, Lindaz
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Seems to me like your Dad is associating wearing incontinence products with having Alzheimer. Please explain to him that one doesn't necessarily mean the other and that LOTS of people wear them. I liked the answer of the person who said "Which would you prefer - wearing them without people knowing or making a mess and everyone knowing?" Did not realize Raisin Bran and ice cream could cause a problem. Thanks for that info. Also the info about Tena. Took Dad awhile to accept the idea that sometimes he needs the Depends but I guess he now accepts them as underwear because I find the used ones in the laundry hamper.
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When we first started looking at assisted living, my father remarked that he didn't want to live with old people. They were the same age as he is. Now I understand that it was a fear of being incapacitated and he didn't want to be reminded of the possibility. I guess we are all living in a state of denial. When I look in the mirror, the face that looks back at me isn't me.
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Another idea I don't think mentioned already, is to have doctor "prescribe" the Depends/Tena and actually write it on an old-fashioned prescription pad "Wear Depends at all times change every 2-4 hours PRN." You can even call doctors office in advance and enlist their help, to plan this "prescription" which is exactly what any doctor would recommend for someone with no bladder / bowel control. Of course they also might need to do some bladder / sphincter muscle control tests, to rule out any treatable conditions. For some women, they can do Botox injections and it will help a lot, but it needs to be repeated every 6 or 12 months. And yes, diet choices make a huge difference for loose stools. Anything with sugar (candy, cake, cookies, fruits, sugared drinks) or dairy (milk, yogurt, ice cream) can cause diarrhea, as well as supposedly healthy Raisin Bran (which are typically eaten with milk).
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I used fat burners when I was with the former LA Weight Loss Program, they did make me constipated. Opiods also slow down your elimination
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