How to approach Moms live-in boyfriend of 20+yrs with separation of their finances?
I am POA of my 73yo Mom who has Advanced Alzheimer's. This Friday after Thanksgiving, my Brother (who will be visiting from out of town) & I plan to sit down with my Mom's live-in boyfriend (74yo) of 20+yrs, (who has shared checking and savings accounts with my Mom) to discuss with him that the time has come that their accounts be separated, and we *must* separate their accounts due to the need for Her to qualify for Medicaid, as we are working on getting Her placed into a Long Term Memory Care Facility. This is not expected to be a pleasant conversation, as he is VERY set in his ways, and feels that since they share an account, that Her money is "Their" money. They do own a house together, and 2 vehicles. (all 3 paid off). We are making sure in the preparations, that he will not be "out" the moneys that are in the account, and we are trying to protect Him as well. Mom can only take $2,000 of that money to Her new account due to qualification guidelines for aid in Her future care. There is approx $20k in their checking account, we are fine with him keeping that money. He will also continue receiving his SSA benefits of $1,800 per month, but not Her $1,200 in SSA, and $1.200 in Pension. Regardless, this needs to, and will be happening, for the sake & well being of our Mom. He is NOT going to take this well, and will attempt to fight. He has become the 'default' 24/7 caretaker of our Mom for the past year due to the aggressive advancement of Her Alzheimer's which is at the Severe level. His "care" for Her is not the appropriate care She needs, and he has also become overwhelmed with the care that is needed, which is 'Total' care. She no longer prepares Her own meals, no concept of Her own medications or doses, incontinent, showering needs are to be assisted and supervised, concept of time and day are no longer, no concept or interest of all household duties, wandering inside and outside the house at all hours of the day, bedtimes no longer consistent (2am - 4am She might finally go down). He has taken on ALL rolls and needs in and out of the home, and refuses to accept respite care or caregiving from outside due to the thought of having to pay someone. When I suggest that help is available, his response is: "I got it." Well, he don't "got it". His own health issues are being ignored due to him refusing to acknowledge them, and the "care" he is giving to our Mom is by far the care She is in need of. Friday he will also find out for the first time of our plan for Mom to be moved from the home. We are only doing this for the better of Both of their well beings, and plan to help him realize this. We expect there to be MAJOR resistance and rejection from him as soon as the conversation starts. We already have an elder attorney who is working with us and guiding us on this process with Mom and Her future care needs. Any suggestions or past experiences in this matter is much appreciated, and thank you!
5 Answers
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I second Jeanne's thought: the thing to do is to bring in an experienced professional advisor who can focus the discussion on their respective needs and propose the least heart-breaking way forward possible.
You and your brother have worked terribly hard to get the facts straight and consider both your mother's and her partner's interests, and that is greatly to your credit - with POA, and given your mother's condition, you do have the authority just to bulldoze him out of the way. It must be intensely frustrating for you that this stubborn old man won't *see* what's best. But you have to see why he won't, can't bring himself to, and feel for him.
I would do this in a lawyers office. Get one who specializes in elder Medicaid law.
Just giving him the money in the account won't work, Medicaid will still consider it to the half hers. As for the cars...well, only one can be protected as "hers" the others will need to be sold and the money used for her benefit. Oh geez, it is going to take a lawyer to disentangle these funds in a way that Medicaid won't penalize them.
Much easier to have a lawyer explain this. Plus, he will take the information as fact, instead of the opinion of the "kids"
And as Katie had mentioned, information coming from an Attorney is more receptive then from the "kids", like what do we know :P
Keep reassuring the boyfriend that he can visit your Mom as much as he wants. And depending on his own health, and if he can afford to do so, maybe he can rent an apartment in Independent Living in the same complex. Then they could have meals together and still be in each other's lives :)