My 86 y/o mom lives in her own home. Very messy (we're working on it) and cluttered (also working on it). She wants to stay there. My sisters and I are supporting her by shopping, meal prep, bathing, handling finances. But we all have our own stuff, too. One sister lives an hour away, one lives a half hour away and has a very demanding job. I'm close and so is another sib.
We need to get her house decluttered and fixed up, but meanwhile we also need a caregiver to come in for x hours a day, to help with daily tasks, help her remember to eat, brush teeth, take meds on time, etc. Mom has beginning dementia, her short term memory is shot.
Are there caregivers willing to be in a cluttered, less than optimal environment? How do we approach this, what should we ask, expect, etc.?
An agency is more likely to have minimum standards of health and safety in order to protect their workers, but if you hire privately you'd be surprised at what some people will tolerate in order to earn their living.
(the acid test is - would you send your daughter to work there?)
Your question was a good one. I appreciate your thoughts, thank you so much, cwillie.
It may cost a bit more but it would be well worth the money to have someone that would listen to the stories and give mom some mental activity in getting her home to a less cluttered space.
The only situation that I am sure caregivers would not want is a filthy cockroach infested place.
Life is messy, clean it up! Living life tends to make a mess. This is absolutely okay. Once it is decluttered it will be easier to maintain on a daily basis, make that part of the job description.
When you interview potential candidates you will know if they are willing to work for their paycheck by clarifying that this is going to be an ongoing part of the job. Depending on the state of things it could take some time to get it all together, so be reasonable and realistic about progress. Mostly keep an eye on how well mom is doing, this is the best gauge you have.
I hope you find a good fit and it helps mom feel useful and needed.
A kind and caring person who is trustworthy is our goal for our mom. We love her so much. She's tended to buy in bulk over the years and the house isn't big. There's 'stuff,' some personal, some not. Papers. LOADS of paperwork, old mags, cards, stuff like that. Old vitamins she bought, stuff she forgot she bought. The bathroom is cluttered but clean. The kitchen counters are relatively clear of clutter. Her bedding is clean, you can walk through the house from liv to bedroom to bathroom to kitchen. Kitchen table is loaded with stuff. Problem with all that stuff is that it precludes cleaning surfaces. The carpet is threadbare, kitchen tile is older than the hills and worn down...you get the idea. Not a hell-hole but not optimal for our mom. We have cleaned in the past and she messed it up again. . .
So this has been an ongoing thing for many years and we are not willing to let it continue. Clearing clutter wouldn't necessarily be part of a caregiver's job although that could change. I was wondering if the state of her home would be a deal-breaker, and from the sounds of your response, the answer seems to be maybe not.
Thank you again for your response, Isthisrealyreal.
Thanks you for your input, UsedupDIL. Much appreciated.
If they balk at helping get things in order, they are probably not team players and you will be dealing with a bunch of "that's not my job!" Crappy attitude.
I think that a caring person understands that things get old and/or neglected, not the end of the world, just some time and effort to get it back on track.
Remember that you are trusting this/these individuals with your moms very life, if they can't be trusted with stuff, they surely cannot be trusted, period.
I hope you find the solution you are looking for.
We've been tackling that 'stuff' for a year now. Sometimes my mom wants to be involved in that, and sometimes she doesn't. Like a lot of things, we generally play it by ear. Perhaps a caregiver could clear out obvious stuff like old magazines and junk mail, things like that.
Lots to think about. Again, thanks for weighing in, k12144.
Small steps, if you can (I don't have a lot of time, so I don't have that luxury). You/she might feel better if she can choose who some things go to or where they might be donated/sold to (there's some stuff of my mom's that will make me feel better if it doesn't just go to an anonymous thrift-store shelf, for example).
That's one of our concerns, for sure. And for my sisters and me, our priority is our mom and not her 'stuff.' although its that 'stuff' that has compounded the difficulty of this entire process. Her house is like a dang albatross; like the elephant in the room. Problem is, at this stage of the game, it's up to my sisters and me to try to move that damn thing, get it out of there and meanwhile, we're also tasked with supporting our mom, keeping her safe and attending to her needs while trying to balance our own lives. . .
I know, I know--join the club, right?
Thanks again, cwillie.
Yes, I know precisely how you feel. Worrying about healthcare workers and such coming in, worry (for me, at least) that they would look around and think I was not doing a good job caring for her by letting her live like that and call in the state, etc. You have my sympathy because, OMG do I understand.
#1 for obvious trash, ie old mail with no significant information.
#2 for old magazines to be donated to a NH or senior center
#3 for everything that doesn't meet the top 2 criteria.
This will make your job easier, 1 bin to decide what needs to be done with items in it.
Then the same with clothes.
#1 bin for rags, clothes that have no more wear in them. (Donate these as rags, charities sell them to companies that need disposable cloth rags)
#2 for wrong sizes, doesn't like etc. To be donated.
#3 unsure, for you to determine.
You are not hiring a housekeeper, you are hiring an aid for mom, so the no go rules will be different.
This can be done one small area at a time, with you or sister only disposing of garbage and taking donations box, that would give all peace of mind that it is being handled appropriately.
Just my 2 cents from people I know in the field and what they are willing to do.
Thank you again, Isthisrealyreal.
re: your response starting 'Yes, that's precisely it. . .'
Yep. Small steps, so as not to overwhelm my mom (or us). We'd had that plan in place to get a company in to do a fast 'clean up' but that didn't pan out logistically. So we girls will be plodding along with that, involving our mom in choices relative to what to keep, donate, pitch, sell.
With caveats, of course. Those bottles of vitamins from 1976 have got to go...
Thanks again, k12144.
Thank you, Marcia7321.
She tries to 'sort' and organize and usually gets too tired and is unable to accomplish the task. It's always as if an explosion just occurred and she says 'I'm working with that stuff'...
Of course the answer is to downsize - I liked the list above about which things to remove - that don't fit, etc. But mom always has an excuse about why she should keep clothing - even if it doesn't fit 'now' - it might someday. 'sigh'
Good luck with everything, SueGeo.
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond today. You give me hope.
Thank you for responding, Worriedspouse. Much appreciated.
Do not have them toss things out or begin to "declutter" but she or he can clean an area after you have completed what you are doing. I am not talking about "deep" cleaning but dusting, vacuum, and a light mopping of the floor.
I would say most caregivers have "seen it all" and as long as it is "safe" for them as well as your Mom you should not have a problem finding someone.
I would think it is more common than we would like to think that many seniors are finding it difficult to clean as well as they used to and or toss things out.
I know of one caregiver that turned down a job in a house that is/was almost a hoarder type house but that is not the reason they turned down the job..the reason is the woman that needed the caregiver and her husband both smoke and the woman is on oxygen. The caregiver did not feel that it was a safe place for her to work.
Your mom’s place sounded like my mom’s was. The 3-box approach (toss, donate, keep) was very helpful to us. We (well, me, because my sister’s tolerance level for the clutter & filth was much higher than mine) at first focused on the rooms she used all the time — living room, bathroom, kitchen, her bedroom. Meanwhile, we hired an aide who was focused solely on mom’s day-to-day care. Since Mom wouldn’t let her do any light housekeeping at all, I ended up hiring someone else to do the cleaning once a month. Keeping those responsibilities separate was actually easier for everyone.
If you do the 3-box approach, perhaps you & your sisters could each “own” a room to do. Then way it’s easier to pick up from the last time you were there.
And we delegated to the aide the bathing chore, as she had much more experience in that area.
My in-laws’ place, on the other hand, was positively filthy. So bad that my sister-in-law, their own daughter, flat out refused to set foot in the place to help. There was no way we could expect an aide to jeopardize their own health by going in there. Thankfully, it sounds like you will never reach that stage.
My folks did not want outside people rummaging through all of their things, as it stressed them out big time. The way I handled it was .. small projects, over time. My folks had old medicines, old newspapers and magazines, clothes, etc. I would just try to organize one thing at a time... if there’s a ton of paper (mail, old magazines, etc.,) I would sort, organize, then dispose. I handled it all (maybe your siblings could help), then leave The caregiving to the caregivers. Caregivers can still help do things like wash the clothes you want to keep, wipe down counters, organize/ clean a pantry, dust, etc., as you (or your siblings decide what stays and goes) & the main areas that need to be organized. Give yourself time. The main thing is help your mom get a good caregiver. We struggled with caregivers who wanted to sit and be on their phones and not put forth much effort to care for mom. His mighty blessings to you and your mom. Your mom has a blessing in you!!
If I was given a filing cabinet and told to shred EVERYTHING inside, I did so.
Her home was so huge the "hoarding" was not really apparent. But it was still an issue.
I no longer care for my mother, who lives in an 800 sf totally hoarded apartment with YB family. It was heartbreaking and depressing to help her "organize", as she would simply churn through things and after 3 days of hard work, maybe a small garbage bag would go out. She's happy with it like this, I'm sickened. It's NOT hygienic and I wouldn't eat anything she makes....but she feels "hugged" by all the stuff. Someday soon she will be bedridden and then we can make the cleanout changes that need to be done.
In a case like hers--I would have a really hard time working for someone who was as bad a hoarder as she is. Claustrophobia would get to me, fast.
And don't be downhearted. Although many professional caregivers may prefer a pristine environment, some people like "homely" and want to feel really needed.
Best of luck!
They all said they don't care what the home looks like as long as they can reach the patient.
Mind you, they may have seen some extreme examples in their time. I do always think of Mr Trebus when people worry about their elders' less-than-ideal homes: it is amazing what conditions can be survivable. Google 'Mr Trebus, Life of Grime.'
So many answers and good esperiences shared with you already.
From my experiences, clutter and grime are not deterrents to a professional caregiver.
You’ll want to protect your family from liability.
The caregiver must must be able to safely do their job. They must be able to exit the home in an emergency without obstacles. They must be able to work without being bitten/stung (pests and pets included) or exposed to chemical or bio hazardous substances. They should have access to a restroom and clean water.
And, before you begin to address the cleaning - remove or secure valuables and personal information from the home.
Best of of luck to you.
Having said that I was able to arrange for home support for him. His lady comes in every two weeks and cleans the kitchen and bathroom, plus sweeps/washes the floors. It is not possible for her to dust, too much clutter.