My 86 y/o mom lives in her own home. Very messy (we're working on it) and cluttered (also working on it). She wants to stay there. My sisters and I are supporting her by shopping, meal prep, bathing, handling finances. But we all have our own stuff, too. One sister lives an hour away, one lives a half hour away and has a very demanding job. I'm close and so is another sib.
We need to get her house decluttered and fixed up, but meanwhile we also need a caregiver to come in for x hours a day, to help with daily tasks, help her remember to eat, brush teeth, take meds on time, etc. Mom has beginning dementia, her short term memory is shot.
Are there caregivers willing to be in a cluttered, less than optimal environment? How do we approach this, what should we ask, expect, etc.?
Our mom is an amazing woman who raised five kids by herself when our dad died unexpectedly at the age of 30. She went to work, put herself through college, did so much for us and now it's our turn. She wants to stay home, so we are doing what we can to support that but clearly, we need help now. She needs more help than we can give her. And yes, her environment is less than optimal. That's the reality, that's what we have to deal with.
My original post inquired whether that environment would preclude a caregiver from coming in to help. Based on your responses so far, I am thinking no, it wouldn't, but we will need to be straight up with candidates and clear on expectations. Like I said before, this is uncharted territory for all of us and I'm sure we'll make mistakes as we navigate this 'new normal.' But we have the support of each other, and we aren't alone. I found that out when I took a chance and posted on this website.
Thank you guys, so much. Appreciate it more than you know.
I understand that hoarding is not the issue in your case but if you and your family could clear only a portion of the home, that might increase the number of caregivers willing to help your mom. It also gives you all more time to go through decades worth of treasures deciding how to handle them.
When the aunt died, it took them a year to clear out her house! Yikes!
My mom has eased up wanting to look at every pc. of paper. I've been sorting and pitching, saving the imp. stuff and putting some things off to the side for her to look thru and decide if she wants to keep it. The clutter in her house is mostly paper-related. We've already hired a shredder truck once to come to the house, we'll do that again once we get more bags full.
Luckily for us, her house is relatively small (<1000 sq. ft.). But the basement is packed. OY. Not even looking at that yet, we're still working on the bedrooms, liv. and kitchen.
Thank you for sharing, kathie.
That will tell you beyond a doubt if it's clean enough. A worker is more likely to agree to the conditions if she knows there's insurance already in place, too.
Thank you so much for your thoughts.
Thx. for responding, angelaK.
If your mom's house has any bugs or vermin (rats, mice, snakes, etc.) or their droppings, I would get rid of enough clutter to get an exterminator in to fumigate before you hire anyone.
If her situation is solely clutter and piles, I would not allow an outsider to go through your mother's stuff. That should be what you kids do. Heaven knows what might be in there. (I found my mother's birth certificate and passport in the side pocket of a suitcase.) Also, that way, you gals in charge for what goes and what stays. That isn't the responsibility of the caregiver. I don't see any harm for the c/g to wash clothes, wipe down shelves, vacuum/sweep/mop, organize drawers and the like. She can move piles to other rooms.
I'm sure, under those conditions, you should be able to find someone. Good luck with Mom letting go.
Thank you for the well-wishes and for your thoughtful response.
I would make the fridge and foodstuffs the top priority actually. I know food is not technically spoiled at the date printed on it, but it's a good rule of thumb to clear it out. If a food bank would not take it since it has a past date on it, then there's no reason for her to keep it either. I've been known to "accidentally" thow out several perfectly good but past date cans whenever I'm at my MIL's. Her stash is not at all messy, but she hates for things to go to waste. It's less painful for her for these few cans to disappear each visit.
My larger idea is that you simply box up the piles on the tables and label them with where you found them (L sofa, left dining table, top of fridge). They then get out of the way, even along the side of the room and even if you have to take some home to work on there. Only the living areas and one bedroom need to be clear for safety of fire and rescue workers.
I spent 3 full days in October cleaning out trash and you can now see the floor! He must have 8 years of mail in his bedroom and I removed hundreds of pounds of magazines off his bed. He only had a tiny sleeping space and hadn't changed the "sheets" (what was left of them) in years. 😢
I'm going back at the end of this month and will be concentrating on the guest room and dining room trash, hauling away the upholstered furniture, broken dryer (sitting in the living room!), getting a plumber to open the kitchen sink drain (he does dishes in the hall bathroom!) and tear up all the carpet and linoleum in most of the house and put in waterproof panel flooring.
I've got the most wonderful husband in the world who completely understands my ex needs help and trusts me. (I'm staying with my girlfriend 2 miles away.)
It broke my heart to see him live like this. But he refuses medicine and therapy. I told him he needs to keep the place up after its "done". We'll buy Swiffers and cleaning products for him to use. I will be back later this year or next year to help him with putting on a new roof and getting the heater/aircon working. [As you can well imagine, I coordinated EVERYTHING when we were married.]
I can sympathize with your mom but it's got to be livable.
Good luck.