My 86 y/o mom lives in her own home. Very messy (we're working on it) and cluttered (also working on it). She wants to stay there. My sisters and I are supporting her by shopping, meal prep, bathing, handling finances. But we all have our own stuff, too. One sister lives an hour away, one lives a half hour away and has a very demanding job. I'm close and so is another sib.
We need to get her house decluttered and fixed up, but meanwhile we also need a caregiver to come in for x hours a day, to help with daily tasks, help her remember to eat, brush teeth, take meds on time, etc. Mom has beginning dementia, her short term memory is shot.
Are there caregivers willing to be in a cluttered, less than optimal environment? How do we approach this, what should we ask, expect, etc.?
She tries to 'sort' and organize and usually gets too tired and is unable to accomplish the task. It's always as if an explosion just occurred and she says 'I'm working with that stuff'...
Of course the answer is to downsize - I liked the list above about which things to remove - that don't fit, etc. But mom always has an excuse about why she should keep clothing - even if it doesn't fit 'now' - it might someday. 'sigh'
Good luck with everything, SueGeo.
Thank you, Marcia7321.
re: your response starting 'Yes, that's precisely it. . .'
Yep. Small steps, so as not to overwhelm my mom (or us). We'd had that plan in place to get a company in to do a fast 'clean up' but that didn't pan out logistically. So we girls will be plodding along with that, involving our mom in choices relative to what to keep, donate, pitch, sell.
With caveats, of course. Those bottles of vitamins from 1976 have got to go...
Thanks again, k12144.
#1 for obvious trash, ie old mail with no significant information.
#2 for old magazines to be donated to a NH or senior center
#3 for everything that doesn't meet the top 2 criteria.
This will make your job easier, 1 bin to decide what needs to be done with items in it.
Then the same with clothes.
#1 bin for rags, clothes that have no more wear in them. (Donate these as rags, charities sell them to companies that need disposable cloth rags)
#2 for wrong sizes, doesn't like etc. To be donated.
#3 unsure, for you to determine.
You are not hiring a housekeeper, you are hiring an aid for mom, so the no go rules will be different.
This can be done one small area at a time, with you or sister only disposing of garbage and taking donations box, that would give all peace of mind that it is being handled appropriately.
Just my 2 cents from people I know in the field and what they are willing to do.
Thank you again, Isthisrealyreal.
That's one of our concerns, for sure. And for my sisters and me, our priority is our mom and not her 'stuff.' although its that 'stuff' that has compounded the difficulty of this entire process. Her house is like a dang albatross; like the elephant in the room. Problem is, at this stage of the game, it's up to my sisters and me to try to move that damn thing, get it out of there and meanwhile, we're also tasked with supporting our mom, keeping her safe and attending to her needs while trying to balance our own lives. . .
I know, I know--join the club, right?
Thanks again, cwillie.
Yes, I know precisely how you feel. Worrying about healthcare workers and such coming in, worry (for me, at least) that they would look around and think I was not doing a good job caring for her by letting her live like that and call in the state, etc. You have my sympathy because, OMG do I understand.
We've been tackling that 'stuff' for a year now. Sometimes my mom wants to be involved in that, and sometimes she doesn't. Like a lot of things, we generally play it by ear. Perhaps a caregiver could clear out obvious stuff like old magazines and junk mail, things like that.
Lots to think about. Again, thanks for weighing in, k12144.
Small steps, if you can (I don't have a lot of time, so I don't have that luxury). You/she might feel better if she can choose who some things go to or where they might be donated/sold to (there's some stuff of my mom's that will make me feel better if it doesn't just go to an anonymous thrift-store shelf, for example).
If they balk at helping get things in order, they are probably not team players and you will be dealing with a bunch of "that's not my job!" Crappy attitude.
I think that a caring person understands that things get old and/or neglected, not the end of the world, just some time and effort to get it back on track.
Remember that you are trusting this/these individuals with your moms very life, if they can't be trusted with stuff, they surely cannot be trusted, period.
I hope you find the solution you are looking for.
Thanks you for your input, UsedupDIL. Much appreciated.
It may cost a bit more but it would be well worth the money to have someone that would listen to the stories and give mom some mental activity in getting her home to a less cluttered space.
The only situation that I am sure caregivers would not want is a filthy cockroach infested place.
Life is messy, clean it up! Living life tends to make a mess. This is absolutely okay. Once it is decluttered it will be easier to maintain on a daily basis, make that part of the job description.
When you interview potential candidates you will know if they are willing to work for their paycheck by clarifying that this is going to be an ongoing part of the job. Depending on the state of things it could take some time to get it all together, so be reasonable and realistic about progress. Mostly keep an eye on how well mom is doing, this is the best gauge you have.
I hope you find a good fit and it helps mom feel useful and needed.
A kind and caring person who is trustworthy is our goal for our mom. We love her so much. She's tended to buy in bulk over the years and the house isn't big. There's 'stuff,' some personal, some not. Papers. LOADS of paperwork, old mags, cards, stuff like that. Old vitamins she bought, stuff she forgot she bought. The bathroom is cluttered but clean. The kitchen counters are relatively clear of clutter. Her bedding is clean, you can walk through the house from liv to bedroom to bathroom to kitchen. Kitchen table is loaded with stuff. Problem with all that stuff is that it precludes cleaning surfaces. The carpet is threadbare, kitchen tile is older than the hills and worn down...you get the idea. Not a hell-hole but not optimal for our mom. We have cleaned in the past and she messed it up again. . .
So this has been an ongoing thing for many years and we are not willing to let it continue. Clearing clutter wouldn't necessarily be part of a caregiver's job although that could change. I was wondering if the state of her home would be a deal-breaker, and from the sounds of your response, the answer seems to be maybe not.
Thank you again for your response, Isthisrealyreal.
An agency is more likely to have minimum standards of health and safety in order to protect their workers, but if you hire privately you'd be surprised at what some people will tolerate in order to earn their living.
(the acid test is - would you send your daughter to work there?)
Your question was a good one. I appreciate your thoughts, thank you so much, cwillie.