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I think it's related to my auntie saying she wanted to do her own pills... bc you know people like to have some kind of control and I was like Okayyyy... I knew how this would end. So she got a day behind and started yelling at me. I don't think it's a dementia thing, I dealt with that with my mom, I think it's a "I said I was gonna do this and I didn't so now it's your fault" thing. She did apologize and we got it sorted, but not without her yelling at me and and my fiancee for wayyy too long. I told her I would do the pills. She acted like the world was on fire... and yelled way too much for her pacemaker. Literally everyone in the house including our three cats were totally horrified and frozen and in my case shaking. I just was telling myself "don't say words, don't say words." So thanks for your help and it's... well it's not great to hear that other people go through this stuff, I wish none of us did, but it's nice to have support :) What would you do? I just walked away then in a little while I served up a nice hot chocolate.

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Is your Aunt on any medication for depression, anxiety or agitation? If not, why not? Who is her legal medical representative (MPoA)? If she wasn't like this in the past then you must consider she is having a cognitive problem, or an issue that is creating dementia-like symptoms.

You are not powerless in this situation. Your Aunt now seems to be compromised and she needs help. It doesn't need to be you, it can be a county social worker, someone has to start that ball rolling.

First and foremost, she needs a diagnosis so that proper healthcare decisions can be made. Like maybe she has a UTI and it's causing this change in her behavior. A UTI is treatable with antibiotics and her better nature can return. Maybe take her to Urgent Care to get tested and move on from there.

If you're not willing to be a problem-solver, then caregiving is not a responsibility you should take on. If your Aunt has cognitive decline, there is no cure and it only gets worse. Dementia is mostly diagnosed by discounting all other medical issues (like a UTI, dehyrdation, over- or under- medicating, thyroid problems, stroke, tumor, etc.

What medication is you Aunt on right now? How old is she? Does she have a history of mental health problems? More information will provide better context so we can give you the best guidance.
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Reply to Geaton777
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MG8522 May 2, 2026
Yes, this needs to be taken seriously. All very good advice.
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I get it. Swallowing the words you want to say and keeping calm in these situations is hard on the psyche. As I think about similar situations in my day to day caregiving I’ve realized I “get over” the frustration of each of this type of interaction relatively quickly compared to the burden of guilt I get by responding with my own emotional outburst. However, I also believe we accumulate another burden, one that adds to the physical and emotional strains that build up after time. It’s not what we thought our lives would be after retirement. It doesn’t match the pictures of healthy, well-to-do and active retirees in TV ads! We feel selfish and yes, resentful, that the lives of both our LO and us are so restricted. I’m Christian and while I tell myself I’m doing Penance for all my past wrongs, I’m still human and struggle with when is enough enough? When does my physical/emotional health take priority and I turn this over to professional caregiving in an institutional setting? It’s an individual decision we all face and I discuss it daily with God but so far He says “not yet” 🥴
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Reply to Credulous
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One of our members said this "the quickest way to a nursing home is to be stubborn" that goes for abuse too. What would you have done if a child acted like that? Walk away, show her will not put up with it. She needs you, you don't need her and she needs to understand that. Look up "gray rock". You literally ignore them. Do what you have to and act like they are not there. Set boundaries. Show her you will not put up with her tantrums.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Auntie can choose to treat you with respect for all you do for her or you can choose to stop doing for her. It's that simple, dementia or no dementia. When my mother would start carrying on, I'd let her know that it was unacceptable and we'd *DH and I* be leaving her presence if she didn't stop.

You don't say what Auntie is suffering from, her age or other details which would be helpful.

Best of luck deciding how much you are willing to tolerate.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Yes they can be although not everyone inflicted with dementia has them. When it does happen it usually means that the person is stressed. Try to calm the situation down and redirect.
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Reply to Hrmgrandcna
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Make it clear to Aunt that her tantrums will not be tolerated. It's hard enough to help stubborn elders that don't appreciate your time and effort. You are not her unpaid slave. You tell her she needs to see her Doctor about UTI, or anxiety meds. Tell her "STOP yelling at me!"

If she has a tantrum directed at you in person, gather your stuff and LEAVE.
As you leave, tell her you are not going to put up with her tantrums.
I would even say "STOP!" when she starts up.

You don't reward bad behavior with hot chocolate. She'll think that is how to get hot chocolate!
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Reply to Dawn88
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It's like dealing with a small child. You have to remember that YOU are the one in charge.
I applaud your sensitivity to allowing her to have some kind of control. Try finding some other small tasks you can give her during the day which she can have control over, with no bad effect. It will give her a sense of purpose to be involved. Then, you take charge of the important things that can't get messed up. Just do it before she thinks about it, and do it without asking her.
Get into a routine, the things you handle, and the things she has agency over, and make sure the routine is the same every day. As her mind is grasping to make sense of things, keeping it simple is easier for her. Even writing things on a white board, like a daily schedule, and who is assigned to tasks.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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My FIL started having outbursts and anger toward relatives. He was becoming a danger to himself and the family at home. They tried medicating him, but nothing worked. They finally got him placed in a veterans home and it helped a lot. He died at peace with my SIL by his side.
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