I am the sole caretaker of my grandparents. Not parents! My uncle lives far away and hates his parents. He offers no encouragement or thanks for anything I do. He’s just waiting for his inheritance and criticizing how much money is draining away from it.
My mom lives nearby and she is not as physically healthy as she could be but she also resents her parents and just doesn’t want to deal with anything. She doesn’t mind visiting and claims she can’t take care of them because it “makes her too sad.” Also she reminds me that she cared for her grandparents so it’s MY turn. (We kids were all older and off doing our own thing already. Her care was visiting her grandparents and getting my dad to fix things around the house. Not even close to what I’ve done).
It’s been hard trying to be a good wife who’s not too tired at the end of the day. When I started this I had a newborn and three other young kids! It breaks my heart I’ve spent more time in doctor offices than with them. I’ve clean out their large house, stored crap for the uncaring uncle, helped sell their house and get them into long term care. I manage everything for them as well as my own household.
I’m starting to resent my mom too. These are HER parents and she is responsible for no one but herself! She is divorced and we are all long grown! My sibling and cousins live far away too so it's me or mom. How do I get my mom to do her duty so that when she needs me in a few years, I WANT to do it! LOL
How are you?
So unfair. I adored my grandma but I wouldn’t have liked being in your position. I’ve been a full time caregiver for my mom since 2005 and it’s killing me. I could never ask my daughters to do what your mom has asked of you. You deserve a life with your family. Your mom and grandma will adjust. Please take care of yourself. You are young and deserve to have a wonderful life with your children.
Tell you uncle to hire a storage unit now or the stuff goes to charity. So come and get it or it’s gone. You resent storing it and it’s making you cross. He’s using you
next thing that comes up just put it on your mother. Don’t give in. She is using you too. Also I don’t see why you think you’re going to end up looking after her. Large hints that she should start getting prepared for her future care needs now
Bless you for what you have done and are doing.
Now to arm myself with the right words and resolve to do this when I’ll be criticized for abandoning my duty and the grandparents will ensure I pay with lots of “your mom is such an angel” and “your brother is always thinking of us.”
i know thats emotional abuse but does it matter to tell them off if the person is old and not quite “grandma” anymore?
I love your answer. It really is better to be short and sweet in this case. Direct and to the point.
yeah my grandparents living far away and there was one sibling who took care
of one set of great grandparents. My mom did drop in from time to time and I’m sure she did things I didn’t know about but I recall both my great grandparents being extremely healthy and able to care for themselves until a major stroke or heart attack and then there was no question of not living in the care center so everything just continued on as normal.
and I hope I don’t offend anyone. I feel that 1900s-1920s generation was much more equipped for “I can take care of myself. Don’t you dare worry about me.” It seems like this 1930s-40s generation (my grandparents) expect much more attention and unrealistic demands met. I don’t blame them entirely. They lived during a prosperous time and my grandparents have NO IDEA what elderly caregiving is. Their own grandparents died young or were still able to take care of themselves so they didn’t watch their own parents suffer through the difficulties of elder care. They have no clue.
My mom has some money and doesn’t qualify for Medicaid. We have to pay to have a mobile blood draw service, and transportation if she needs to go to the doctor. Although I am her primary caregiver, those are two things I could get off my plate.
I agree about limiting visits. It’s draining even in the best of circumstances. I also agree with getting someone to manage their care-of possible. It’s their money and they need help. The nursing home may have some ideas as well.
Its difficult to draw boundaries when you love them and no one else is stepping up to the plate. But you must.
You have found a fantastic community here. Best of luck. (:
I have learned that few are going to tell you how you can obtain services based upon qualifications based on Medicare. Even those certified providers often prefer to "tell" you what Medicare does because it's to their advantage. Read the latest Medicare Benefit Policy Manual for yourself. It's available online and very easy to navigate. You can also call the senior help line in your area, and Medicare is 1-800-medicare customer service can give you some information. You will need her number and be authorized to speak in her behalf, as I'm sure you would want anyone speaking in your behalf when the time comes.
Are you trying to visit everyday? You may need to cut back. Because of you, they are safe, clean and cared for. Seems like their children are selfish and this may be because of your grandparents. They are reaping what they sewed. Where were your grandparents when their parents needed help? Children learn by example.
Your family and husband come first. Your children need your attention. You have done your duty. Your grands are being cared for. Mom is not going to change. Either is your Uncle. I would start preening Mom to the fact that she is going to be taking care of herself. Tell her she better take care of her health. Take advantage of services that are available because you won't be able to do it. That you don't plan on taking her in because you just won't have the energy to care for one more person. You did her job caring for HER parents. Its now time for your family. A husband and 4 kids is a very good reason. A person like your Mom will just drain you.
When they first moved in I tried to visit a few times a week, just to make sure they were well situated. I started to cut back and then my grandma would call me and say “there are matters that need your attention!” (No grandma YOU need attention). My husband and I had a sit down with my grandparents about how I was going to take the summer off. I told them I didn’t feel like a granddaughter anymore, just an employee. I thought we handled it in a very direct way respectful way. My grandma later told my sibling and cousins that she was “put in her place” by me and rejected. Boy that was super fun. :( Trying to defend myself with my family. Now my brother lives in the area and he’s finally saying “grandma sometimes feels entitled doesn’t she?” No kidding.
You might also look into the cost of a geriatric care manager. Yes, it will take money from the eventual estate, but uncle has no right to complain. It's your grandparents' money and needs to be used for their care while they are still alive.