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They have 24/7 caregivers who do their best. It happens mostly at night in their bedroom. The wife had a stroke and cannot talk and is afraid to go against the husband. As the daughter/POA, could use any advise. We cannot put him into Memory care unless he does something harmful.


Thanks for any help!

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Is mom agreeable to Assisted Living?

Set her up there. Leave Dad at home.
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Your profile says “THEY have have demanded to stay at their home”. Your partner’s mother has lived with this for a very long time. Are you quite sure that she would want to be separated from her husband and put into a facility? Clearly both of them together in AL didn’t work, why do you think SHE really wants to leave him? Perhaps it's your partner's idea of what would be best, but that doesn't mean it will work.
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sp196902 Oct 2023
It doesn't matter if the mother wants to leave her abusive husband at this point. Obviously she has stockholm syndrome to have stayed with her abuser all of this time. Now the adult child can decide for the mother and get her out of this bad situation.
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You are POA (your partner is)
Your partner's responsibility is to keep BOTH safe. Even if that means safe from each other.
Since there are caregivers there 24/7 if they hear or see ANY signs of abuse they are to call 911.
If he has been diagnosed with dementia the person that has POA can make the decision to place that person in Memory Care.
And I have to ask....you say you can not place him in MC unless he does something "harmful" .... Isn't physical abuse "harmful"? or do you wait until he pushes her down the stairs, or chokes her, or puts a kitchen knife to her throat? (each one of these happened to a friend of mine before her husband was placed in MC)
One option might be to place them in separate parts of the house.
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ConcernPartner Oct 2023
Ah, true that. Ok will be more forceful and protective! Great useful info. Thank you
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"We cannot put him into Memory care unless he does something harmful."

I do not understand this. Memory Cares will not care for agressive or someone who could cause bodily harm to another. They have other residents to consider and not set up for this type of resident. If the husband is physically abusive call the police and have him removed. He needs help and should be placed on a facility where he gets medicated for this problem. I would refuse to have him back in the home because Mom is afraid of him and is not able to defend herself. MC maybe a possibility if the meds work.

I so hope parents assets have been split. If not, POA needs to see an elder lawyer. Dads split would go to his care, when gone, Medicaid can be applied for. Mom's split goes towards her care. She can remain in her home. More to this, but elder lawyer can explain.
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ConcernPartner Oct 2023
So grateful for this feedback and support. We now have 24/7 caretakers and everyone is watching. The wife had stroke many years ago and cannot speak so it's been a problem we just found out about the abuse.
Thanks again!!!
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You certainly can and should do something about this abuse. Tell him if he treats her that way one more time, you will call the police. He will do it again. Then you call the police and insist he be removed from the home. A lawyer gave me this advice long ago.

If you knowingly allow this domestic violence to continue, you are complicit in a CRIME. It is emotional abuse, physical abuse, elder abuse and who knows what else. She is in danger.

The police will sort out where he needs to be after you file a complaint. Get the caregivers to record on their cell phones (video, audio) what is happening.

Check out https://www.thehotline.org where they have live chat with free counselors. Or call them at 1.800.799.7233 All communications are confidential.
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ConcernPartner Oct 2023
Thank you For your time and your reply and the information! Ok. We are having the caretakers make notes and records as they can. We had this happened twice and by the time the police came he was as a nasistic was so nice to the police. The wife had a stroke years ago and cannot speak and is too afraid to go against him. Caretakers are now 24/7 and watching hopefully we can get a police involved soon. Thank you for the contacts, will follow up.
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He already did something harmful.
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