My 86-year-old mom will perseverate about a need (appointment, glasses, etc.), yet refuse to act. Reminding her makes her angry and agitated. My dad died recently - he was the “coordinator” of their needs - accordingly, she didn’t have to initiate these things on her own.
My mother and I have a prickly relationship - I’m an only child. She lives independently but does not drive. I’m seeing some memory and cognitive decline that is concerning.
How can I edge her toward self-advocacy and initiative? My suggestions and reminders make her angry. Do I just let her be and follow her lead?
Was your Mom always like that or it just happened recently due to Dad’s taking over and if so she was relying on him too much, did she agree with his decision? Maybe and I am saying that kindly she acts like that with you? You are not the first one to have as you say prickly relationship with Mother, many of us find it impossible to deal with them.
If she lives on her own she must be able to make certain decision, i.e. bills, clothing, what she eats, basic things.
Ask her about her needs/ wants or write them down.
Appointments, you can reverse role, child/ parent make it to be fun, like we buy nice frames for glasses, and then go for lunch/ coffee or something else she wants to do.
Whoever is going to take her to the appt needs to make the appt. When reception says 'is this date good for you', driver could say no - or driver could say if it's on a Wednesday, I need afternoon appt, etc.
Just take note when she says she needs to go to dr and make the call for her to set it up. One less thing to prickle the relationship!
My relative said 'yes' to "Does that day/time suit?" Had appointments piled up.
However, did NOT have the required link to connect appointment to the calender, other overlapping appointments, a driver, or the driver's availability. More lack of ability than anything else.
Have seen/heard others too, especially elders, making appointments with the simple assumption they will be ferried there. Probably memory/cognition issues aka *Executive Functioning* deficits.
There are also those with entitled attitudes. Have expectations that others must 'step to' - these will use manipulative behaviour.
It must suit the driver. Or alternative arrangements need to be made.
As for bills, "autopay" is the only way!!!!!!!!
Her patience and attention span might still be disrupted by the recent death of her husband. That is a very disorienting experience and it often takes several months to begin to organize one's day-to-day life. Step in for now and manage her appointments and other essentials. If her anxiety and lack of action are part of her grieving, she will begin to come back to herself after a while. Give it time, though--several months, at least. Do not rush the process and do not place any time limit on when she should be "done" grieving.
If this is temporary, she will improve. If it's Dementia, symptoms will get worse and you will need to take more control.
It's almost as if God has called and commanded it!
No talking about it. No discussion about it.
If she had been used to your dad making all the arrangements it is possible that he was covering up her cognitive problems for many years.
(I have read that some are able to hide signs of cognitive decline for up to 10 years before it is no longer possible to hide them and others notice)
If this is what is going on you are going to have to accept that there is no self advocacy or initiative. You are going to assume the role of Geriatric Care Manager.
If mom is living alone this may no longer be possible and plans to be made for Memory Care or if it is very early Assisted Living (but there is the possibility that she could wander away) Or residing with a family member. (not an easy task)
It isn't necessarily that she doesn't want to do things, it's that she can't do do them. Knowing your glasses aren't working properly and scheduling an appointment to get that corrected are not in the same category of function.
Your dad was probably compensating for her loss of abilities and you didn't see them.
I would get her into her doctor, you will have to set it up and make sure it happens. Go with her and get her to sign a HIPAA release so you can truly advocate for her. Probably a referral to a neurologist would be in order.
Unfortunately there are steps required to intervene. Getting a diagnosis is the 1st one.
From what you have said, don't frustrate yourself by trying to get her to do things she is no longer capable of.
A. Let her be. Ignore her ruminating. When she’s serious, she’ll act. (You can’t force her to be responsible and ruining a relationship while spinning wheels is counterproductive.)
B. Contact her county health dept or 2-1-1 for help with transportation if you can’t take her. Make an appointment and see how she reacts. If well, there’s a solution. If poorly, see A.
Probably kinda two-fold issues overlapping. The fact she is getting dementia (you cannot reason or use logic once dementia starts) and the fact that your dad was the one facilitating everything. Now she doesn’t have him, she has you and herself, and she’s not happy with that.
Have her checked to see if it is indeed dementia first off. And to answer your question, I don’t think you can “edge her towards self advocacy”. It’s going to be all on you, her Drs and possibly case managers and either memory care staff or nursing home staff. Or home care staff if that’s what you’d do.
There is no cure for dementia. No medications that do much. However if she is diagnosed, possibly ask the Dr for anti anxiety med or anti depressant. They may help with her overall mood.
I know what I just wrote doesn’t make your day. Believe me, I get it. Get your mom diagnosed so you know for sure what your dealing with, and start making plans for her care…whether a placement somewhere, home care whatever. Get power of attorney also. Speak with an elder care attorney and they will guide you through. Lots of paperwork and red tape depending on what her funds are, whether she’ll qualify for Medicaid etc.
And by all means, take care of yourself. Caregiver burnout is real, happens fast to most of us. If you and your mom weren’t having the best relationship to begin with, sorry to say, it could get worse. I said “could”- not it will, but dementia is a very hard thing to work with. Take time for yourself whenever you can. Good luck.
but i do.
i have had multiple jobs and have found that in some cases the wife has done the managing and contacts. In some cases it’s been the husband. sometimes each has handled their own “business”.
it seems your mom needs your experience to handle appointments etc whether your dad did it or for whatever reason she is loathe to do it now.
so make appointments and whatever she needs and if she then says she wants to do it the leave it up to her.
On the flip side: I can't even imagine leaving much of anything up to my husband to coordinate. I guess there are men out there that can do that. I just have to be thankful when he can get us from point A to point B without wrong turns. Not a new development, been like that since I married him 48 years ago.
A major traumatic event like your father's death, probably affected her a lot. She most likely won't be able to handle things very well. You've entered the difficult dance of eldercare.
Appointments and scheduling take at least some "executive decision making," and that is the cognitive skill that drops most quickly. Nagging will be counter-productive. You or a designated person could more easily take over this part of your mother's schedule.
If she has some cognitive decline going on and it turns out to be dementia, apathy is pretty common. I know that's what happened to my mom, who is now 83. She used to be the coordinator of everything and still knows what she wants and needs, but will not do anything unless I am right there guiding her or just do it for her (she has been living with us for over 2 years now). She gets upset with me when I tell her "you can do it" and get her to do it herself, but then turns around and tells me I treat her like an invalid and baby her and won't let her do anything for herself. Lol
She's also been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder which may come into play a bit, but she has had that along with some other issues since before I was born. Apathy has shown up for her within about the last 2 years or so.
I am right there with you in that coordinator role, as I am also an only child. As my mom doesn't like to leave the house too much now, I just make the appointments that we must go to and tell her when we are going. The times that we have to go to her doctor's office in person she gives me pushback, but when I tell her it's to meet a Medicare requirement, she then accepts it. She still doesn't like it, but she accepts it. :)
That might be something to try- just make the appointment, and tell her when you're going. You might need to encourage her a lot more on other things she can do for herself as well.
Hope this helps and best wishes to you as you navigate this new course.
[Tip: it's amazing how much better people's glasses work when you clean them :) I always keep spare lens wipes in my tunic pocket now.]
This is only an example of the principle of using open questions, thus:
- I need new glasses.
- Shall I make an appointment with Acme Eyes?
- No, don't bother me! You're always nagging me!
- I need new glasses.
- Okay, what would you like to do?
- I don't know, I'll think about it...
... is actually the reply you're likely to get; but a) at least you won't have set up an Aunt Sally for her to knock down, and b) this probably isn't about her glasses anyway, it's more likely to be about the decline in her sensory abilities all round which glasses will not solve.
What are the other areas you have concerns about her managing?
You're spot on about the glasses. I've had glasses since I was five years old.
I literally wash my glasses twice a day with soap and water.
Before the appointment, write a note addressed to the doctor, outlining who you are and why you are concerned for her cognitive state. Then request a cognitive/memory exam and test for UTI. Hand it to the staff discretely at the check in. Make sure you take your PoA paperwork with you to this appointment and give it to the receptionist. You might want to try to be in the room during the appointment, sitting directly behind her so that if she gives inaccurate responses you can shake your head yes or no to so the doc gets facts straight.
Your PoA should allow you to know the results of this testing. Now you will be better able to understand her actual capabilities. She may need anxiety meds to help her through daily life going forward, and an accurate diagnosis is the gateway to treatment options.
The ship has likely sailed on self-advocacy and initiative. First get her to the doctor and make sure that her cognitive abilities are on the agenda. They can do a little memory test which I think is a start but only a little bit useful. I did not think that it picked up on the severity of my mom's issues which was frustrating.
I don't think you can just let her be and certainly not follow her lead. This will be a hard adjustment for both of you.
Good luck.
mother was VERY angry that my MIL was “treated like a lab rat”.
Maybe my expectations are unreasonable. She gets dizzy and her balance is off. I just want her to say “I need new glasses - can we make an appointment?” instead of saying it three times a day and getting angry at me when I offer to help her set up the appointment.
If you remind her, it's also a reminder she is not on top of her game, reminds her of 'weaknesses' forgetfullnes or lack of ability to know the steps involved to get new glasses/make the appointment etc. She may feel embarrassed. This is not your intention or fault!
Or.. Is she a *hinter*?
Maybe expresses a need & *expects* it to be done? By magic. Without that awful having to 'ask for things' part. My Mother is like that. HATES asking for help. Others I know are worse.. would rather spend 20 hours dropping hints & manipulating all they encounter, than 1 short minute asking someone directly.
Long married couples have their habits. Did your Father pick up hints & just arranged?
If so, that habit may be hard to shift, but not impossible.
Be clear. State it back to her.
Ask direct questions.
"You said you need new glasses. OK. What do you want to do about that?"
I realise at 86 people vary so much, so it is hard to guess. But good old please & thank yous can still keep the world a nicer place 😁
Good luck with your investigations, & possible re-training.
I think it would be very important to take her for a cognitive/memory test to see just where she's at. This enables you to know what reasonable expectations you can have of her. It would be awful for her to never meet people's expectations when she literally can't.
Setting unachievable expectations are beyond discouraging. They're destructive.
I'm only 65 and I hate it when my kids try to teach me something that I truly do NOT care about. Like how to work the remote for TV. (Why should I start watching TV when my life has been fine w/o it for 40+ years?)
We're just trying to keep mom oriented to time and location. That's really all we can hope for in a 92 yo person. Some elders retain so much and are lively and very interesting people (my 2 grandmothers) some are stuck in the 50's or 60's and bemoan all the technology that's out there and make no effort to use it--which is FINE, but they can't complain when someone posts a FB picture of a GGkid and they can't remember how to log in to FB--despite written instructions.
My husband is 61, retired two years ago, and has perfect cognition. He realized he hadn't been to a post office in at least 35 years. He didn't know how to use the automatic mailing machine, he didn't know anything about classes of mail, or even how much a stamp cost. I had always been the one to handle that stuff. I taught him all he needed to know, and now he goes to the post office himself.
THAT'S who you can nudge toward self-sufficiency, not someone who's 86 and cognitively declining. You're going to have to understand that at that age, tasks can be overwhelming, and just getting one thing accomplished per day is a victory.
Help her get her appointments made, and help her get to them. Griping that she's not on the upswing when she's at the downturn of her life isn't helpful. Remember, she's not you nor is she your age, so don't apply expectations of what you can do to someone 20+ years older.
Her cognitive decline is in the form of new information, some confusion, etc. She still lives independently and is on top of her ADLs. She can kick a** on crossword puzzles and her long term memory is solid.
At some point you may need to intervene, but at 86 you interventions may do little. Try just to offer quiet help when she wants it and otherwise just be there to offer small outings and let her know you are willing.
Are you the sole person involved or are there other siblings. It would help if you could meet together and discuss as you go along.
My biggest fear here is not health concerns, as at 86 they fall, in my book to "what will be will be", but of financial concerns. If she is not able to handle finances it could be disasterous.