My semi-estranged 73-year-old father showed up at my office exhausted and homeless (he had been living in his car and hotels for a month) with nothing because his girlfriend kicked him out and threw all of his things away. I took him to my house for 4 weeks and then got him set up in a nice senior apartment, furnished it, bought him clothes, phone, set up utilities, etc. I’m paying for the majority of things and have signed as guarantor in the apartment. He pays me what he can from a small weekly settlement he gets. He’s been there 2 weeks and is already complaining about not liking it.
Now his settlement is about to turn into a large lump sum and I think he is going to leave the apartment and hit the road like he always has in the past.
I knew this was a possibility because this is typical behavior for him. But, I felt obligated to help. He’s never really been in my life except when he needs something.
This is not about the financial aspect (I’m fortunate that I can do that part) but more of the slap in the face and complete ungratefulness of the whole situation.
I’m just trying to come to terms with the fact that I am completely done with him if he leaves this situation.
I don’t know what to do if he shows up again in that situation in the future after he runs through all of his money.
I really thought he would be grateful to have a nice safe place to live where he could just enjoy life.
Just to add, he doesn’t like the place he’s living at because he can’t always get a close parking spot (he’s only had his car there 5 days at this point and only driven twice). He also thinks traffic is too heavy because he still has his settlement checks going to his ex girlfriend’s place and it’s about 25 miles away. I feel these are just excuses that he is preparing for so he can leave.
How many times has he used you like a piece of equipment?
This dad did a single meritorious thing in his life- he raised or produced) a kind, loving, optimistic daughter. Or maybe he had NOTHING AT ALL to do with who you are and who you’ve become.
Whatever, cut the cord. You’ve been pulling all the weight anyway. Your life will be better without being burdened by dragging him.
Be good TO YOURSELF. Be a good parent TO YOURSELF. Be who YOU want yourself to be.
He did not raise me. I lived with him from 15-20 but was basically on my own.
He has been using me since I can remember. Even as a child to upset my mother.
I place high value on caring for our elderly and treating them the way we would want to be treated. It is the guilt of not doing so that is the struggle for me.
He will not change.
You either accept that and be prepared to do the same thing when money runs out or his girlfriend kicks him out again. (just hope that when whatever settlement he is supposed to get she does not take off with it. Probably should have his address changed or make it a direct deposit)
You could tell him that if arrangement falls apart and he leaves you will not pick up the pieces when he returns.
Unless you want to live a "Groundhog day" life.
On the off chance he is a Veteran the VA might have help for him. Reach out to the Veterans Assistance Commission in your area. They can help determine if he qualifies for VA help.
Just read your profile.
Your dad has dementia. So going back to my statement that "he will not change" change that to He can not change. It is no longer a choice he makes.
He can not distinguish what is good for him and not. If you are his POA you are in a position to place him in Memory Care where he will be safe.
If you are not his POA you can report him as a vulnerable senior and APS can step in. If you do not want to be his Guardian the Court will appoint one. Going back to the Veteran status if he is one he may qualify for housing through the VA but it depends on where and when he served and the level of "disability" that they rate him with.
I do see some short term memory issues with him and some cognitive issues. However, this behavior is very typical of what I’ve known him to be all of my life unfortunately
So just see to it that you don't slip into "insanity".
You have hopefully learned a lesson. Let Dad manage his own life. Don't take him in when he's homeless but do have a list of local shelters for him.
Spending your own money now on Dad, making yourself responsible for his irresponsibility will mean that when the time comes that you need your own funds for your own age you will be alike broke and begging at the door.
I wish you luck. Explain to Dad that you love him, and will no longer be enabling his lifestyle by spending your own money or by taking him in.
What do you mean, not doing so? You have treated him well and helped him tremendously!
It is not your fault if he chooses not to keep the help you’ve given him. It’s sad to watch him throw away the kindness you gave him. He doesn’t want it. He never put you first in his life. He will keep making bad decisions. But there’s nothing you can do, really.
All your life you needed a father and a father’s love and protection. You never got that, and it leaves a hole in your heart. No matter how old you are. Being rejected from a parent is the worst kind.
It is not your fault he wasn’t a good dad. If you’re hoping for a “thank you” or an apology for how he’s used you all these years, it is very unlikely you will get it.
”But he’s my dad!” is not a valid reason when he has never been a dad for you too at all.
We tried helping my late brother in law with getting a normal life for himself, and he too didn't want one. What he wanted was to live in a seedy motel where he could smoke all day long and play video games on his TV set. So we helped him find a room in one, we helped him move in, and my DH recently helped clear his stuff out of there after he keeled over in a Walmart parking lot one day and died, at 70 years old. He smoked himself to death, basically, is what happened. He had COPD but continued to smoke and his lungs just couldn't take it. We spread his ashes up in Colorado Springs on the family acreage up there.
Your dad has shown you who he is. Believe him. Then move on with your life and stop financing his mistakes.
Best of luck.
There are shelters he can go to, there are other options. Me, I would never co-sign for him, he is an adult, it is his responsibility to provide for himself, not yours.
To me, it appears that you are trying to buy his love, it doesn't work that way. You can keep throwing money his way and that will not change a thing. Just tell him, you leave me stuck with this lease I will no longer help you, don't call me, I am done.
Bottom line, you cannot help someone like him, he will not change, it is you who must change.
Perhaps therapy would help you to set your boundaries and stick to them.