I have been taking care of my mom who was only 62 when she got this terrible monster of a disease. I have been with her going on 7 years with my brother making sure that she could stay at home. Being locked up in the house because of Covid-19, due to the fact we could not keep a mask on her, has made her decline so rapidly, we are having to put her into a memory care facility. In February, she was a vibrant, somewhat functional (with a little help), happy person. Now she is a sad, anxious, withering soul who just paces and talks to lamps. There are moments in the past 6 weeks that I have caught a moment of my mom, but mostly we just watch and hope she doesn't hurt herself. In my mind, I know that the memory care facility will provide her with the stimulation and safety that I have tried to give her, but my heart feels like I have given up, and I cry all of the time. Will it every stop feeling this way?
You are grieving because you have essentially lost your mom even though her body is still alive. It is okay to cry for your loss. Be kind and patient with yourself and learn to love her as is, in the here and now. Small things will make a lot of difference for getting through this, like finding silly, simple things that bring a smile to her face and make her feel loved in the moment.
Great big warm hug! This is one of the most difficult decisions we ever have to make, placing a parent in care shreds our hearts, but my experience has been that it does get easier with time.
Celebrate all the years you have given her, good years in her home that she would tell you she is grateful for, if she had the ability to understand and express perspective (seems to be one of the first abilities to go with dementia). Play back a movie in your mind of some of those happier times and let that energy guide you. You both are shifting in your lives and can't go on the same way forever. The only certainty in life is change.
Agree with Isthisrealyreal above, as cognitive decline happens it will be small tactile experiences that can still bring joy. Big hugs to you.
This is the news trying to run people into the ground. I haven't met 1 person that is depressed because of the changes, maybe sad, frustrated and bored, but not depressed.
Yes, at some point you will feel better. Your mom is where she needs to be both for your good and hers. Those of us who have had to place their LO in MC can emphathize with you. It's not unusual for us as caregivers to experience both depression and grief over the situation. I don't know if you're depressed. Maybe a dr visit could help. It does sound, though, that you're grieving your mom's disease and the fact that you will lose her. "Anticipatory" grief is the expectation of losing a LO, while "ambiguous" grief is realizing she's here in body but not in mind. Those are difficult feeling to deal with. And, yes, grief this strong can result in depression. I speak from experience.
But you will eventually do much better. But time alone won't do it. You have to work thru grief by taking action. Do you attend a support group? During the pandemic, groups are meeting virtually. Call the ALZ Assn hotline to see if one is near you (800-272-3900). Take time to do things you enjoy. Become educated about mom's disease. Books like "Learning to Speak Alheimer's" and the "36 Hour Day" can help. Do things that will distract your thoughts of sadness.
You have given your mom the opportunity to live a good life. She is being taken care of. Now give yourself that same opportunity.
You are taking the next best step. Feeling the way you do right now is only natural and you will stop feeling this way. Don't be so hard on yourself.