I've posted here about my dad before, he is not the easiest person to deal with, extremely high maintenance. However over the past year or two he has taken a bad turn. He is now 84 with severe COPD (or so he says, more detail on that later). As of last year around this time, he refuses to walk that much except between the living room and the kitchen. Spends his days doing pretty much nothing, occasionally looking at his tablet and watching TV at night. My brother and I do help him out and he's not alone. But he will tell you that he's very lonely, well I'm sorry we can't be around him 24-7 and he's never left alone for long periods. He doesn't take his medicine regularly, is on oxygen 24-7 but it's obvious that he is miserable. I'm not sure what we can do for him if he's going to be unwilling to do so.
Prior to the pandemic, the VA wanted to send Hospice to the house to help him out, one requirement was that we would have to address his clutter. Of course he refused to cooperate with them. They did convince him to do the Tele-Medicine with them so he doesn't have to go to the VA hospital for checkups and etc. They sent a device that measures he oxygen saturation and his blood pressure and takes his weight. And after him using this device for awhile, I'm not sure if his COPD is a severe as he makes it sound. Granted we all have bad days, but I've noticed the oxygen saturation is anywhere from 89-100 percent. It varies from day to day, but I would say its around 95 and believe it or not his blood pressure is good. He also has cataracts, and the people at the VA aren't sure they can do the usual procedure because of his COPD.
One thing you should know about my dad is that he is the biggest baby when it comes to any form of discomfort and he is not the "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" type of person. And he's also very demanding very high maintenance which makes it even more difficult. He has told me he doesn't feel that he's getting any sympathy from anyone in the family, unfortunately my mom passed 20 years ago from cancer. My brother who is in the house with us does help but he can be intolerant. And my sister who has her own house might as well be a ghost. The latest is he keeps talking about dying, I did convince him to call the VA and make an appointment with a therapist to see if they can help.
I'm not sure what we can do anymore
I think meds to help his mood will hopefully be helpful. Another may be to consider hiring a companion aid to take him places and distract him during the day (if this is something he can afford). It doesn't have to be every day, but 3 or 4 days a week. It is unrealistic for you and your siblings to orbit around him more and more. Just because he's used to being high maintenance doesn't mean he gets to remain that way. It will cause your family to burn out. You need to put up boundaries so all can maintain their mental and emotional health as this journey with him moves forward. He won't like it, but that is just too bad -- boundaries will be essential.
Does the VA have any day programs he can attend? Can he go to any adult day cares in your area? Or a community senior center with activities and events? He is 84 and even without COPD he maybe would still behave the same way. Also, please don't ever feel guilty -- you are doing your best and he just doesn't appreciate it.
As Geaton said, try to find day programs that he can go be with people his own age. If he is really sick, ask the VA about VA facility placement. If he can spend time with others that have shared experiences, he might feel better. Then again, he might not. All you can do is find the best possible environment to help him solve his loneliness.
Just because he is high maintenance doesn't mean you have to prop that up.
What are his 02 levels when he is not on oxygen. Because you will get good readings if it is tested while on oxygen. How many liters is he getting? I would definitely tell his doctor, it can be dangerous to be on high oxygen for a long time, especially if you don't need it.
This second stint of caregiving-bounderies are being set. Ya know, it's uncomfortable for me to do-but, it must, must be done for my own sanity, health, well being and to be in the best shape, frame of mind to deal with dementia and the complex caregiving involved.
As I've written elsewhere, my experience with my husband's dementia is now one of visiting his world. I've also noticed if I keep an even temper, he seems to (at least for now) be able to mirror my behavior. Of course that can/will change. The rotten thing about dementia, is there is nothing at all consistent with it. How I hope that research will untangle a tiny piece of this and give us a thread to hang onto and work with, when dementia is the diagnosis.
1) You and brother both are living under dad's roof because unlike your sister, you don't have your own place.
2) Your father, despite having normal O2 sat (95 percent is normal), mobility enough to go on walks and def to adult day care, has been recommended to hospice, which va won't provide because his house is messy.
Which, apparently, being that he rules the roost, you can't do anything about.
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I would see if your brother can have a look to verify, if not you must.
If he does, these are very painful and can be deadly if not treated.
They can also be a case of elder neglect if just left alone and not treated, so don't take no for an answer.
Things change quickly as we get elderly, he is probably having a difficult time, just from being sedentary you lose the ability to safely, comfortably be on your feet. Then take away your ability to get oxygen from a breath and yikes!
I have a cousin with COPD and he looks healthy, uses a blood oxygenation cellfood, so his levels stay around 95 but, if he mows the lawn or does physical activities, it is quite frightening to see. He gasps for breath, turns a bright red and sweats profusely. He is the pull yourself up kinda guy but, you really can see how much gumption it takes for him to keep on keeping on and he's 15 years younger then your dad.
Maybe it's time to get a visiting nurse?
The ER staff indicate he will probably be there at least a week so they can get the cellulitis to clear up and he's going to go through a bunch of other tests, lungs, heart and etc. So far he's stable now, but not in the best of moods.
The problem, as is often the problem when anyone moves in under their parents' roof, is that your leverage is very restricted. He won't take advantage of any of the available home health help, because he has you two under his roof, living in probably more than simple "clutter," and that's probably deliberate as he does not want anyone else involved. On top of this, he's being a Senior Brat by insisting that you two dedicate yourself even more to babying him, as you put it.
But you want help, right? That is why you posted here. To set boundaries, you have to have consequences and options of your own. The more dad feels like he can trample all over you because you'd be jobless and homeless otherwise, the more he will do it. I'd say figure out what that point is now, and demonstrate that for yourself, it's an OPTION to live with him, not a requirement for your survival.
Just so you know, all hospitals start planning your discharge from the minute you are admitted.
Make sure that you are part of the process and that you are clear that he can't return "home".
Unfortunately this morning has not taken a turn for the better. The hospital staff had to restrain him again. He broken his cell phone in half and has been extremely aggressive & hostile. He tore out his IV and all the sensors, they want to sedate him. And he is in no condition to be let out.