I am doing everything. He always has excuses. If I tell him to ask my sisters for assistance, he becomes violent and says if I don't do the work without complaint, he will put mom in hospice and let her die. He raised his fist to hit me the other night, and threatens to kill us all. I don’t want my mom to die, but I can’t handle his abuse. I have my own business, but have made little to no money in the past year while caring for her. He keeps telling me to get out, but because I haven’t been working, I'm basically broke. I feel trapped and afraid.
Your mother, like all of us, will eventually die.
Hospice will merely supply a bath aide and a nursing visit once a week, so why not ask them for help.
The next time dad threatens you, call 911 and have him taken to the hospital for a psychiatric hold. He sounds demented/dangerous/unstable.
He raises his hand to you, not to hurt you, but to keep you scared and on your toes. Unacceptable. But it works.
This is something you can't 'fix' alone. I'm sorry. You need your siblings and they have (wisely) chosen not to be involved. You're the whipping post for dad's anger and frustration.
Mom needs to be anywhere but near dad. Can you step up and call APS and report an at-risk elder? You can do this anonymously, even though you're living it. Take it to the police, too. If you cannot get mom out of this situation, get the neighbors involved too. The more complaints that come in, the better. It's ugly, and embarassing, I know, but you cannot protect your mom from your dad unless you take her out of the situation, and yourself along with her.
Betcha, tho, she'll want to stay with him. The devil she knows.
Your dad is probably all bluster and no action. He's bringing you down so you'll feel trapped, and it's working!
Is there any way you can live (temporarily) with a relative or friend while you get some $$ laid by to get away? A women's shelter would be better than home.
Take mom with you? Get someone from Aging Services or APS or anywhere you can to listen to you and help.
Dad can be, and should be arrested. You don't get to be abusive just because you want things your way. He could likely go to jail or worse if all the sibs and neighbors and family all pull together to A: protect mom and B: support you in getting out.
I wish you luck. Likely you will find that mom won't willingly leave dad and you cannot spend any time around him.
If you can, record his threats against you. Please be careful and believe him when he says he wants to/will hurt you.
He tells you to get out then raises a fist to in anger because...why? He's manipulative and a bully and I bet he's been this way his whole life.
Sorry for the heated response--I have zero tolerance for bullies. Esp when it's a man abusing a woman. It's NEVER 'ok' but your story breaks my heart.
Please don't just post this and neber come back. Others will post much better advice than mine. I just want you to know you're worth more than this ba$tA4d tells you you're worth.
It appears that this arrangement has run its course. Time to call his bluff, he is an abuser.
Why don't your sisters intercede?
Sometimes when you are up to your eyes in the caregiving bog, afraid & feel trapped, you can't see the wider landscape. The bigger picture. What is it?
That MOM needs a better care team than a stressed out daughter & husband fighting.
Come on! Is that really helping this sick lady???
Let's go back to the facts.
1. Diagnosis & Prognosis
Mom is ill. Very ill.
Alz, cancer, stroke, diabetes, heart + more on your profile.
2. Reality & Grief
"I don’t want my mom to die".
But she will. When her time comes.
3. Respect
"He keeps telling me to get out"
Your Dad doesn't want you there. Has told you many times. Is getting abusive.
LEAVE.
4. Responsibility.
"I haven’t been working, I am basically broke".
Stay with a friend, a lower cost hotel. Get yourself a new place to be asap.
5. A New Plan
Your sisters are not helping. You are trying to save Mom as a one-person team. That is not sustainable. Dad does not want you there in his house. That is his right.
Let Hospice come & evaluate as Dad said. It may get more services or care for Mom.
Please call a crises line regarding emergency housing options for yourself. Also for counselling so you have a real person to discuss all this stress with. Or maybe grief counseling.
Find some strength to open your trap.
You CAN get free. But you will have to make changes.
I am sure dad's behavior has been going on since the OP was a child. But they fell into the trap of feeling guilty and obligated to help mom.
So it's not that easy for OP to just leave with no money and nowhere to go. This unfortunate scenario is all too common on this board.
If dad gets violent they can call the police. But i can bet you dad will be out in hours or a few days and will kick OP out. The justice system is very easy on abusers. I feel for you OP. You need to start finding a way to earn an income and start saving money so you can get out once mom dies.
Let dad twist in the wind once mom passes.
Then you are likely enabling this situation by, as you say "doing everything". You may be putting yourself and your Mom in danger. You need to get a job and a place to live and back away from this.
If you believe you Mom is in danger then call for a wellness check from APS and let them know why you are calling. You can't change all this nor fix it.
And by the way, next time this old man raises his fish, protect your teeth and let him hit you. Them call EMS to transport him to the hospital for assessment and to protect you Mom, go to the police or sheriff and file charges and restraining orders so he has to leave the home. Well worth a punch in the kisser, frankly.
If there are guns in this home and you are arguing with a madman then you are endangering all in this household by doing so.
Keep a diary and make it complete in this matter. You may need to go to court. Decide now if you want guardianship of your Mom. It may be a very difficult job to do. And I ask myself if, while your Mom was in hospital you let the social workers there know you and your Mom are being abused in this home?
I suspect nothing is new with this man. He is likely to have been like this for their entire marriage and your childhood. Again....Your interference and argument may ENDANGER your Mom more than she is already in danger. Call the authorities.
I am so sorry that you are going through this.
Your siblings behavior is just as awful as your dad’s behavior.
I can see why you feel as you do. You had your own business. Your dreams were crushed and the last thing that you need is for others to rub your nose in your error in judgment.
It’s completely obvious that you love your mom. There are many of us who made sacrifices for those that we love. We dove into it headfirst and then at some point we realize that we are in completely over our heads.
Caregiving will take its toll on us. Often, we bite off more than we can chew. At some point, we have to surrender and allow others to take on the responsibilities.
We feel as if we are drowning because we are drowning. You have to decide if you want to swim against the current in order to save yourself. That is the only way that you will survive.
What’s going on with your dad? You say that he has dementia. Is he on any medications for his uncontrollable behavior? Sounds like both parents need help.
No matter what though, you shouldn’t be expected to put up with threats from him.
You describe the horrible situation of the facilities near you. I get that. Some are good, others are not up to par.
Have you reached out to your mother’s doctor or a hospital social worker to see if there is a suitable placement for your mom and possibly your dad too? Start there.
Can you start up your business again? Or get another job until you can get back to where you want to be.
What exactly do you fear if you leave your parents home? Are you worried about your dad harming your mom? You need to protect yourself too.
You mentioned hospice. Do you object to bringing hospice in? They can be a big help to your mother.
Best wishes to you and your family.
What do you WANT to happen?
What would help the situation be better right now? What would help your Mom? What would help you?
I can think of many things if a magic wand appeared..
Free nursing services to attend. Dad to be helpful, polite, thankful. Mom to get better. Not be bedridden. For your sisters to come together, draw up a roster & all take shifts.
I say this with kind intentions - maybe some of the things I listed are possible.. but others may not.
Is there a big gap between what you want & what is real? Anger is a normal response to that.
Use that anger. Not to bully sisters (who have the right to say no) or fight Dad about his longstanding awful behaviour (at 80 he ain't gunna change) but for things you CAN change.
This page has a helpline number at the bottom of it. Give them a ring and tell them what you've told us.
Video him when he's in his rages. If you can't video his threats, you can still go to the police and press charges. Your statement might be enough to keep him in jail for a while. He may or may not get out soon, but by the time you've charged him, you will have alerted Adult Protective Services and identified your mom as a vulnerable adult who is in danger (as you are). Get new locks for the doors. Install them yourself - videos are on YouTube - and lock him out. If there are guns in the house, get them off the premises NOW. Leave them with someone he doesn't know and who will return them later.
Also FYI, hospice doesn't kill people. Get a hospice evaluation. Hospice might be the safest place for mom right now. Furthermore, hospice could be your ally. The nurses will not come into a home where they are in danger. They will report dangerous situations that their clients are experiencing. They might even get the law involved. That would help you.
You are not trapped. Slavery is illegal. Domestic violence is punishable by law. You have many options, but you need to find out what they are and do something before he follows through on his threats.
Call the authorities. Report your father. Remove your mother to placement, and yes, it may be time to enroll her in hospice care. You cannot allow a helpless person to remain under the control of someone abusive.
If you are talking threats here that is one thing; but if this threatening and actual abuse is being done to your mother that is CRIMINAL.
Call APS today and report your father's abuse of your mother. Leave yourself out. You are capable of removing yourself from an abusive person (and SHOULD; you should not be living with a person you claim to be abusive). SHE IS NOT!!!!! Ask the state to take guardianship of your Mother if your father is abusive. See an elder law attorney to start with the options. Record and film your father in his abuse; while that may or may not be permitted to be shown in domestic courts, it can be taken to an attorney and shown to APS.
If you remain helpless and doing nothing then, again, you are complicit in this and a part of the violence being perpetrated against your mother.
If your father is abusive you YOU and NOT to your mother, then you are a cause of the problem and need to leave. You need to go directly to your Sheriff, your DA, your Police and the APS to report a need for wellness check on someone in danger of being abused.
When my YB went through some rough patches in his life and he kind of took his anger out on mom---he was slapped back into reality by a wellness check from APS that I instigated. He doesn't know it was me, which is what I asked for. Just go check on mom.
A short investigation was made. Mom admitted that he 'scared her' sometimes but yelling and slamming doors and refusing to get things she needed--but also not allowing any of the rest of us to help. She was shocked that the caseworker told her that was, in fact, abuse.
After that--since he did NOT know who had called, his behavior improved. I'm sure he looked at his neighbors and remembered some tantrums he'd thrown that THEY had witnessed...wondering who had called. Bottom line, he got better.
When I was told (by an attorney) that my 'silence' on the situation could be construed as complicity in the act--I felt 100xs better in my heart about 'butting in'.
By no means was YB as bad as your dad. But he could have been, I think, left unchecked.
As I stated before, I doubt mom would choose you over dad. So you need to care for YOU.
I just hope that her father does not actually become physically violent to her. I am sure she will be too afraid to get the authorities involved.
Once her mother dies, I hope she figures out a way to leave that house immediately.
If he or anyone threatens you in ANY way you get to a safe place and call 911. Tell the dispatcher what is going on and that you fear for your safety. Let the dispatcher know if there is anyone else that might be in danger.
Second thing...
No one "puts someone on Hospice and lets them die" Someone is put on Hospice BECAUSE they are dying. Hospice will manage pain and symptoms and care for the patient and the family until the end. they will provide support and if needed RESPITE care. It sounds like if mom is Hospice eligible that might be the best thing for her. If Hospice does come in and see the situation as problematic they may choose to place her in a Hospice Unit to "manage symptoms". Typically a stay in a Hospice Inpatient Unit is of short duration in a case like this they may extend the stay for safety sake.
This is not to make excuses nor does it make the situation better but is there a possibility that your dad is overwhelmed and he does not know how to contain his emotions?
Call the police the next time he threatens to kill you. Get HIM removed, not you, and if he kicks you out, go stay with your sisters.