What is the best way to control Dad's disruptive wife who pops in and out for visits?

Apologies for the empty entry. I wrote a lengthy post but it was deleted as I was logging in to this site. I think I would consult an elder attorney to ensure that you aren't making things worse, and then would go with the suggestion to clean up her mess and put things in one room or add it all to the basement. Second to that, I would move dad to a more suitable location. If those two don't work, I would tell the caregivers to move him to another part of the house or out of the house completely whenever she arrives. I applaud you kids for trying to work things out.

I have a step-monster who has kept me from my dad for years by threatening to divorce and leave my dad (who has Parkinson's with dementia and is terrified of being alone) if he mentions seeing me. She has run off just about every member of the family and leaves my dad alone a lot but at random times no so one can sneak in. They've been married 47 years and she has been this way from day one because she viewed me as her competition starting when I was 11 years old. They have had a very negative bond their entire marriage but now my dad has mellowed so she just doesn't speak to him for weeks at a time. She does things like slash perfectly good clothes and furniture because she doesn't want anyone to use them when she revamps her wardrobe and redecorates frequently.

I wish you guys the best of luck and hope you can successfully do what is best for your dad.

Atof3Kids My sympathies go out to you also. I know that the attempt at blending a family is rough and at the young age of 11the last thing any child needs is to be perceived as the enemy . I hope that if you haven't already you contact some type of adult protective services. I am not saying that they can do much but the call will maybe put your dad's wife on notice. As I already know they will check to see if your fathers living conditions are appropriate. My Dad's wife has also exhibited some of the same behaviors you mention and it does make you wonder what makes them tick. I guess this will make us stronger. I hope you find a solution also. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

First of all this lady is your Dad's legal wife and because of his devote religious beliefs divorce is not an option. It remains her home and she has every right to come and go as she wishes and leave her belongings in what she still regards as her home.
That being said would Dad be agreeable to a move to another location that she has no control of and no right of access if that is possible?
The wife is ninety years old so it is possible that she also has some cognitive problems if she has not always been this way.
It sounds as though you, or Dad could probably leave the house uninhabited after Dad moves out so wife has free access
If she wants to visit Dad at his new location there would seem to be little you can do to prevent that if he is not willing to take legal action to bar her.
So to sum up the best solution from what I see is to move Dad out of the house assuming he is willing.

What's to keep step mom from moving back in? Does anyone have DPOA or thought about getting guardianship? Perhaps she could be negotiated with. Go away and when dad is gone we will deed dads interest in the house over to you. She's only been gone 8 weeks but evidently with several drive by visits during that time. Now that she has left the area for three weeks it will be interesting to see if she can stay away from her stuff that long. Plus if she's gone three weeks it will be interesting to see how he does without seeing her. I assume this will be the longest she's been away without a visit? Since she has established a new residence and basically abandoned him I would think as dads advocate you could make any changes you want in order to take care of him, but again, good to take this window of opportunity while she's gone and discuss your options with an attorney before knocking down any walls or moving bedrooms. I hope you find a legal way to navigate these next few years without constant interference.

Here I go again being the dissenting voice. If my math is correct - which it often isn't AND its 2:00am - they are married about 1,664 week and she's been gone for 8. I think it's a little unfair to be calling her an
absentee wife and packing up all her crap - which has been there for 1,664 weeks just yet. I also take exception with the statement "for a few years she had wanted to move Dad to a facility and we refused" - what? "We refused"? Since when does a wife need this kind of permission? That she felt she had to get permission from you all speaks volumes- that you all "refused" and that's the way it went speaks even more. Why is every acting like this woman is s flash in the pan gold-digger? I imagine at 90 years old and having to argue with six adult children over the care of her husband of 32 years - which directly effects her - she said "enough". She move six miles away - not 600. Maybe she didn't want to live with a full time caregiver in her house. How many here have stated their parents feel that way - need or not? Maybe she doesn't like visiting her husband with the ever present, watching caregiver. After 32 years of marriage you can't give her 30 minutes of privacy with her husband? I would LOVE to hear her side of this story.

Sorry, JessieBelle. You said your piece with no backtracking. Good for you!

AND - this woman married a widower with six children - that takes ovaries in my book. I could be wrong here but this "second marriage" - that everyone is so easily blowing off or treating as a consolation prize - in length, how does it compare to dads first? I mean absolutely no disrespect to you mother, she passed and if not for that tragic circumstance your parents would have still been together. But as it is - this is a 32 year marriage which is something to be proud of.

Some more of the back story....She willingly gave up the POA years ago as her family said she was not willing or able to provide the care. For about 22+ years no one interfered with anything that went on in their marriage. Not our place or right to do so. We only become involved when we realized she was not able to face the fact that her husband was diagnosed with dementia/ALZ. She dragged him all over to different doctors looking for the diagnosis that would be the most appealing. She was denying him access to what is considered the finest resource in Pittsburgh for Geriatric and Alz care. This man is currently not a candidate for a memory care unit at this time. I have seen them, been there, taken care of another who was a candidate and know the difference. Obviously there are those who do not agree here that aging in place is acceptable and a better option if it can be done . So quite possibly were there different motives when this spouse viewed a memory care option for her husband as a better option for her, not him?

It would be ideal and is a thought that he should move to a place where she does not feel ownership. It is an additional expense though and so maybe the available funds would be better spent on his care at home. He has lived in this house for 46 years and we are hesitant to change that familiar surrounding. He is not in a wheelchair and is quite mobile . Does he need the additional mental confusion of a missing spouse and an unfamiliar surrounding? I wish I knew.

And just to be quite clear on the math and length of marriage, there is no objection to her traveling....both of them traveled extensively together for many many years. She continues to travel as often as she wishes and has never needed to worry about who is taking care of her husband.Ever. Based on what I read here other caregivers would give anything to have 3 hours once a week of respite time versus 3 weeks every 2 months.
She has three children who made a decision to move her out after she was reported to Social Services . The caregivers had to report her abusive behavior of Dad to the company who they work for, who in turn notified us. We had been informed that she was frequently pushing him, pulling him, denying him a nap and hiding food. Her families reaction was they didn't care if she went to a Hampton Inn...she was moving out. Her family , by their own admission, has admitted that she was always difficult to live with and refer to her as the Queen Mother. There was never any intent for her to be a mother to a "widower with six kids"...our ages were not those that needed a hands on mother.
Companionship and love is certainly a necessary component of a life at all stages. Was Dad's life better because he had that? Of course.
Do I have any reason to believe that my own Mother, married to Dad for 35 years, would have acted differently or the same? Every bit of my defense mechanism would want to tell you of course it would be different, but the only proof I have is what I observed . I was 33 years old when Mom died and 34 years old when he remarried. I can share this story though.....I never heard my Dad or Mom say they would call their lawyer if they didn't like something or get their way. After about a year of this second marriage we all heard that thought said quite frequently by him when he was concerned about how she would react to something done or said. She teased ...or was it threatened...with that statement of calling a lawyer.

Is it wrong to request that a spouse, who states she made an active choice to better her life and move out ,who told her spouse that she was going to move on and live her life, be asked to consider that her visits are detrimental to the the spouse she chose to move away from?? Her visits are more about removing things than visiting. Who cares? Not us. It is about how he feels as she comes and goes and is there one minute and gone the next. And yes, we tell the therapeutic white lies each and every day so that he remains content in the fact that she is"away visiting her family." He loves that answer as he feels family is the most important aspect of a happy life. We will say it as long as he can hear us.

How do you tell any loved one that their spouse moved out because they wanted to live their life? How do you keep them from feeling it is their fault and tell them that they should not put away? There is enough going on with the emotional aging of someone who knows they have Alzheimers without using their disease as an excuse for why their spouse left. To lay blame at their feet for something they could not control?
After reading all these responses , talking to doctors and researching what I can, maybe the answer to the request is pretty basic. I cannot ask someone to be sensitive to someone else when it is really beyond their ability to see anyone else but themself.

I read a little bit of that and have to admit I read it with a slant. I am a member of The Second Wives Club. You are talking about an elder woman like she is a purposely evil, neglectful woman. But from the little I read, it seems like just the opposite was true. It is just that she couldn't do anything to please you and your siblings. Goodness, I don't blame her for leaving. He was not the same man she married, and there were these kids around sniping at her. It all sounds like "You're not my mother!" to me. Those of us in The Second Wives Club probably understand it better than most. We've been through it.

BTW, do you realize the negative words you chose for describing her? She dragged him to the doctors, instead of just going with him. She was denying him access to care, instead of allowing him to stay home where he probably wanted to stay. I have a feeling you could look in the mirror and see a lot of the reason your step-mother left. I had a piece of a step-daughter at one time. The thought of her now still makes me feel ill.

Rainmom, I just read what you wrote. Glad to see that someone sees the same things I am seeing. If I were this woman, having the step-kids pushing at me like this would have driven me crazy. And she couldn't say anything, because they were his children. It is a bind to be in that I know very well.

It is a credit to this woman that she hung on for 32 years. I can tell that this one step kid has no love lost on her. It sounds like the animosity has been going on for many years, despite the yada yada of saying "they" were trying to stay out of things.

It sounds like the kids have everything under control now and the woman is just coming in and out of her home when she needs something. And this is even resented. Brother!!

I don't even know why I'm getting into this but I think Anne's original post and her defense of her situation ring very true. I respect Rainmom and Jessie as valuable contributors to this forum but I disagree on this one. It would make me a little angry to see the knives of the second wives club coming out after responding to all the questions as clearly as Anne has.

I have seen all kinds of rather goofy posts on this forum go on with hundreds of entries without these demands for verification. Anne asked a simple question. Whether she's an evil,stepdaughter or not is not the issue. Her Dad is being upset by his sort of ex wife. This is clearly happening. I don't need any more verification.

Wow, I see, that in predictable fashion of hiding in the internet, the clique on this blog is in full swing. I am not apposed to good concrete advice. But it does not benefit me or any of the other people in a similar situation when the purpose of the question is answered with so much contempt. Actually, I am pretty sure that some of these responders do not know how to stay on point or have a clue as to what objectivity really is in a response. I am convinced most of you read and answered the responses based on what you already felt....I think that is called preconceived response. Some of you must already have your defenses up as you refer to yourself as The Second Wives Club. I have much to offer as a supporter and advocate for the elderly . I also have been active as a special education teacher , so I am not blind or opposed to opinions. But what I see and read hear is nothing more than a coffee klotch of responses from those who must be trying to defend their own self worth and have little to do with the plight of others.Best of luck to all of you who continue to subscribe to this forum. Thank you for anyone who took the time and certainly to the last responder.

I'm going to take a stand against the anti-Anne trend and support as well as agree with Anne. I can see that this thread is beginning to take a agree with or disagree with direction, and I don't like to see that because the underlying issues get bypassed.

I think Anne has very well articulated her position, much more so than many people who post here with rants and raves and can't even answer questions.

I suppose many are putting themselves in the position of the second wife, which is understandable if that experience is part of their life.

The bottom line is that the man in question is her father, and she does have a right to protect him and be concerned for his welfare, which doesn't seem to be the concern of his wife. Maybe it's only been a short time, but based on what Anne is reporting was said by the wife and her family, I think Anne is wise to be proactive in this situation.

When my son was diagnosed with autism I suspose you could say I "drug him from doctor to doctor". I was not looking for the most convenient or acceptable diagnosis but for any diagnosis that would tell me a mistake had been made - that it wasn't true. When someone you love is diagnosed with a serious, life changing disease or condition, it can shatter your would - it can scare the hell out of you. You would do anything to hear even one expert say perhaps it's not as bad as it seems. It's a shame your dads wife didn't react according to your playbook of acceptable responses. Now it seems a few here aren't replying according to your playbook and you accuse us of being a "clique in full swing". It's amazing your dads wife stuck it out for as long as she did.

I don't blame her for attacking me, since I bit first. I read a lot into choice of words and contradictions in writing. The slant painted a picture of a bad wife/step mother. When you change the words to something more neutral, the slant changed to a picture of a woman dealing with a bad situation -- the man she married now had Alz and life was totally changed. I empathized with the woman, who would have been about 80 at the time. It is tough to adjust to a new normal at 80. Perhaps a bit more empathy and less resentment would go a long way.

To clarify- I am not "anti- Anne". Rather anti drama. For every action there is a reaction. I am meaning to suggest that perhaps the wife is reacting in the way she is based on her perception of how she is being treated. Wifes reaction is effecting dad. To help dad, help the wife and perhaps with a little less drama and more acceptance things could smooth out. Perhaps could it ever come to the wife feeling comfortable enough to come see her husband on a regular basis, sit with him privately and the two of them enjoy some time together. It's done everyday when one spouse is in a facility and the other lives elsewhere. Is it possible to tell dad while his wife still loves him it's impossible for her at her age to be a caregiver and is living a short distance away for everyone's well being? I'm just say the drama and accusations - judging the motives of this woman started with the original post. There are two sides to every story and the truth usually falls somewhere in the middle.

I really think that any constructive advice on this question has already been given, maybe it is time to let this thread die away. If Anne has any new questions she can always ask them in a new thread.

CWillie, well said. It's time to stop this.

I agree. Anne, I n response to your post to me, thank you. It's been a very tough and emotional 47 years. I wish you guys the best in determining how to care for your dad. And I applaud you for stating your case and explaining everything, especially how all of you stayed out of the marriage until the wife chose to NOT care for your dad. That speaks volumes.

I am firmly in Anne's corner. I have seen similar situations. Do not lose sight of the fact that the HIRED caregivers reported abuse by the wife to social services, who in turn were obligated to report it to the children. If a paid caregiver feels that the wife's treatment is abusive, the children absolutely need to get involved. To do otherwise could be considered neglect. Even the wife's children refer to her as the "queen mother", hardly a term of respect. My father passed away almost nine years ago, but you can bet that if he had been mistreated by a second wife, I would have moved mountains to protect him. I sympathize with Anne's struggle trying to decide if the benefit of moving him to a different house outweighs the confusion of taking him out of his familiar setting. Been there, done that.

At and AK, well said, and good points raised. The issue of abuse by the wife has literally been lost in the volley of posts against Anne.

How did this ever become a war with "sides"? I thought this was suppose to be a safe place where people were free to express their opinions. Guess not. The only "side" I'm on is the dads - and trying to figure out a way everyone can peacefully co-exist, with everyone's points of views being respected and considered. But hey, guess I'm just a mindless member of a clique hiding behind anonymity.
Weren't we suspose to be done here?

In all 50 states the wife has rock solid rights unless you have a restraining order or Guardianship. Both require a show cause hearing.
You are angry because dad is failing; try not to direct the anger at her, please, for now. You may regret it later. Her time is short as well, despite her efforts to outrun old age.

Pam, in Michigan when we got PPOs, the order were issued ex parte. That may have changed, but I went to the PPO Office with my petition already prepared, discussed it with one of the attorneys, then went to the Judge on assignment that day and presented it to her clerk. No hearing, no show cause necessary. And in our situation it worked out well because we needed it ASAP.

Just to be clear on the abuse issue. The OP says the caregiver reported the abuse to their company. The company reported the abuse to the family. So who exactly reported the abuse to APS? What was the outcome of the APS investigation?

Rainmom, Anne mentioned the report in her original post and then further explains it in answer number 39. She mentions physical abuse as well as hiding food. The hired care givers reported this to their employer who in turn reported it to social services. The children were notified, after which the wife's children insisted that the wife move out "even if she had to move to a Hampton Inn". These hired care givers were probably required by law to report abuse, just as medical providers and teachers are required to report child abuse. I do not think that they would make such a report frivolously, which would undoubtedly lead to their dismissal. To me, this is not just a family squabble.

No akdaughter. Read it again carefully - that is not what it say. I have read every post here four times - it her initial post she says wife was reported. Period. Midway, probably 39 as you say - she says caregiver to caregiving agency, agency to family. No link anywhere to who made the report to SS. No results from their investigation. Take another look.

Everything was going along fine while the wife was being bashed - restraining orders, giving her things to charity, buying her off. Then a few of us disagree- look at it from the possible viewpoint of the wife and the OP starts lobbing personal insults at us. This flies as a red flag to me. But enough! Clearly I have become the enemy in this war with "sides". My only intention was to suggest some understanding as to why the wife is behaving as she is. Understanding her motivation would be key in trying to get her to amicably change her behavior.