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Dad, 91, lives at home and has had care helpers for 6 years.We employed full time help 2 years ago to take any burden off his wife. Dad has LTHC and we supplement the remainder. With his ALZ/dementia he is incredibly unique. Still does his own hygiene, plays cards, goes shopping etc. His spouse of 32 years moved out 8 weeks ago into her place in an adult community( 6 miles away) as she wanted to live her life to the fullest. She is 90. She was reported to PS 8 months ago for elder abuse and constantly made life difficult for all the caregivers and picked on Dad frequently .We had to employ a geriatric care manager for a year just to keep the peace between the caregivers , her family and our family.For a few years she had wanted to move Dad into a facility and we refused. Their are 6 kids in our family and we all take turns visiting , staying and helping. She also spent very little time with him while she was in the house. We are relieved she is no longer around . Forget the "for better or worse" as it does not exist here. Things have resumed to a nice steady schedule and Dad is very relaxed and almost better. But... she dictates to us that she can come and go as she pleases. She was added to the title of the house when Dad remarried (after Mom's death) and yes they are still married.She left tons of her items and stuff all over the house. Two bedrooms she occupied are left in shambles and Dad is always looking in them and wondering what is going on with all the mess. When she pops in and appears she causes agitation and confusion.Dad can't figure out where she is going and why she is leaving all the time. She is the one who went and told Dad she was moving out to live her life, yet we do not discuss it with him using those terms. His doctors currently are in agreement that we just keep saying she is away visiting family. Yesterday she arrived to move a few more bags of stuff and then told him she was leaving for Florida for three weeks. He became upset again and has stated she might as well just not come back. This leaves the caregivers with trying to distract. re-direct and cheer Dad up. What can we do ? He lives in Pennsylvania. Does Dad have any rights or must this be the way he exists ? We do not have a good working relationship with her family. Thank you.

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Anne I've only just come across your thread here, so forgive me if I've missed crucial bits (I've also got a vile cold and my head is fuzzy, poor me!) - but your stepmother is 90, she's spending what time she does at the house mostly going through "Stuff" - do her kids have any concerns or plans about her future?

I did agree with one point that this is all pretty recent history in a long second marriage, so I imagine everybody's feeling kind of up in the air, aren't they? Any chance of a family summit to discuss ways forward?
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Sorry, I really want to stop this...but to be clear, this living situation has only been recent. Before that I was in residence about every eight weeks as she was traveling.
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Thank you "Army Retired" for your hopes for an workable solution. We would like to think we could at least find a friendly solution. I have received some good ideas.
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Oh I must add that I live two weeks with my Dad, one sister lives one week, and two other family members split the other time. Good thing we depend on being there so we can make fairer assessments and not just rely on third party observations. So sorry if someone might have though I was an infrequent visitor.
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I feel for both the father and the wife. Sounds like both of them are suffering the effects of that dreaded disease, Dementia. Anne1017, I hope you can find a workable solution for your dad and your stepmother. My dad's second wife was a lousy stepmother, but a fantastic wife to my dad who loved him dearly. I am not sure what I would do if this situation happened to me.
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Rainmom, don't go. I haven't posted anything else on this because it was turning into a flame. I thought the thread had died yesterday, so was a bit chafed to see someone had revived it today for no reason. You are not alone in being sympathetic with the wife/stepmother. I could relate to what she must be going through and am a caregiver for a woman her age. There are always challenges.

I really thought about this. If the wife/stepmom comes by the house every week or two, this shouldn't be such a catastrophic disruption. We can't absolutely control the environments of people unless we lock them in a deserted place. I know around here we have events happen and the occasional visit. My mother does become more agitated during these times and the stress level is higher. It is all just part of life caring for a person with dementia. The paid caregivers should realize that. The OP lives in another state and visits sometimes, so most of her info probably comes from the caregivers.
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Good time to say "thanks". I thought it was okay to express an opposing point of view - even if I did carried away. But I guess I'm the first poster to ever do that. I enjoyed my time here, learned a lot and hopefully it's enough to navigate the world of dementia on my own from here. One strike - and I'm out.
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Ummmm - stopped posting 21 hours ago but thanks for the kick in the ass - can't get enough of it!
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Rain mom, you've made your point a number of times that you are supportive of the wife. Can that please stop already? This has gotten so far off track from the original question that is getting ridiculous. I keep getting noticed, thinking useful info is being posted but all I'm seeing is support of the wife and such. I think Anne has sufficiently explained the situation - numerous times. Thank you.
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Funny, that was my point.
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Whatever happened to being supportive and making helpful suggestions on this forum? Personal attacks, especially when we don't know the whole history, are not helpful.
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I am suggesting your "scare tactics" worked. Wife moved out. Perhaps scare tactics explain why wife now pops in unannounced for very short visits to get her stuff. Perhaps a scared 90 yr old woman is reacting to your threats in the only way that makes sense to her - at 90 and being scared, she probably isn't thinking clearly. BTW - Scare tactics on a 90 year old woman coming from six adults? Sure seems like there's a lot more going on - history - that we could ever know when only hearing one side of this story. For every action there is a reaction. So here you are. What was the findings of the AFS investigation? Please don't reply with personal insults again. I have made no personal insults towards you - at least not until I was called a coffee drinking, mindless clique member with low self esteem trying to validate my existence. I had hope to suggest that the wife is reacting. That maybe if you played nice, she would react differently - in a way that would be better for everyone involved, especially dad. Now that more history involving threats, scar tactics and lawyers has come to light it seems pretty obvious that there can be no amicable resolution. How very sad for your father and the 35 years he devoted to his marriage.
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I'm going to go back to the original question. Does dad have any rights or does he have to live with the constant agitation of her popping in and out.

He could buy her out of her half of the house. You could inform her that you are moving her "stuff" to storage and that, under doctor's orders, you would appreciate it if she would sort her "stuff" there and not at the house.

It sounds as though she has some cognitive issues herself.
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No restraining orders ever written, no things given to charity, no buying her off....who were you talking about? Who called the AFS? The Geriatric Care Manager through the advice of Dad's attorney. The attorney ,who had written to the spouses attorney over a year back , stated in the letter that if she was reported again by the caregivers steps would be taken to report her to AFS. That type of methodology , used as a good scare tactic, is certainly acceptable when giving someone a second or third chance to help to modify behavior. Yes, it in Nice.
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BTW - thought this interesting. This was posted by anne1017 on sept. 25, 2015. "We called AFS to report my Dad's wife for abuse. What all the answers say above were also the same for us. Most important outcome: You have on record that authorities were called to report an issue. No, you cannot get a copy but it can be subpoenaed if ever necessary. Plus , it is a good scare tactic." Nice.
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Everything was going along fine while the wife was being bashed - restraining orders, giving her things to charity, buying her off. Then a few of us disagree- look at it from the possible viewpoint of the wife and the OP starts lobbing personal insults at us. This flies as a red flag to me. But enough! Clearly I have become the enemy in this war with "sides". My only intention was to suggest some understanding as to why the wife is behaving as she is. Understanding her motivation would be key in trying to get her to amicably change her behavior.
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No akdaughter. Read it again carefully - that is not what it say. I have read every post here four times - it her initial post she says wife was reported. Period. Midway, probably 39 as you say - she says caregiver to caregiving agency, agency to family. No link anywhere to who made the report to SS. No results from their investigation. Take another look.
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Rainmom, Anne mentioned the report in her original post and then further explains it in answer number 39. She mentions physical abuse as well as hiding food. The hired care givers reported this to their employer who in turn reported it to social services. The children were notified, after which the wife's children insisted that the wife move out "even if she had to move to a Hampton Inn". These hired care givers were probably required by law to report abuse, just as medical providers and teachers are required to report child abuse. I do not think that they would make such a report frivolously, which would undoubtedly lead to their dismissal. To me, this is not just a family squabble.
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Just to be clear on the abuse issue. The OP says the caregiver reported the abuse to their company. The company reported the abuse to the family. So who exactly reported the abuse to APS? What was the outcome of the APS investigation?
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Pam, in Michigan when we got PPOs, the order were issued ex parte. That may have changed, but I went to the PPO Office with my petition already prepared, discussed it with one of the attorneys, then went to the Judge on assignment that day and presented it to her clerk. No hearing, no show cause necessary. And in our situation it worked out well because we needed it ASAP.
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In all 50 states the wife has rock solid rights unless you have a restraining order or Guardianship. Both require a show cause hearing.
You are angry because dad is failing; try not to direct the anger at her, please, for now. You may regret it later. Her time is short as well, despite her efforts to outrun old age.
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How did this ever become a war with "sides"? I thought this was suppose to be a safe place where people were free to express their opinions. Guess not. The only "side" I'm on is the dads - and trying to figure out a way everyone can peacefully co-exist, with everyone's points of views being respected and considered. But hey, guess I'm just a mindless member of a clique hiding behind anonymity.
Weren't we suspose to be done here?
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At and AK, well said, and good points raised. The issue of abuse by the wife has literally been lost in the volley of posts against Anne.
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I am firmly in Anne's corner. I have seen similar situations. Do not lose sight of the fact that the HIRED caregivers reported abuse by the wife to social services, who in turn were obligated to report it to the children. If a paid caregiver feels that the wife's treatment is abusive, the children absolutely need to get involved. To do otherwise could be considered neglect. Even the wife's children refer to her as the "queen mother", hardly a term of respect. My father passed away almost nine years ago, but you can bet that if he had been mistreated by a second wife, I would have moved mountains to protect him. I sympathize with Anne's struggle trying to decide if the benefit of moving him to a different house outweighs the confusion of taking him out of his familiar setting. Been there, done that.
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I agree. Anne, I n response to your post to me, thank you. It's been a very tough and emotional 47 years. I wish you guys the best in determining how to care for your dad. And I applaud you for stating your case and explaining everything, especially how all of you stayed out of the marriage until the wife chose to NOT care for your dad. That speaks volumes.
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CWillie, well said. It's time to stop this.
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I really think that any constructive advice on this question has already been given, maybe it is time to let this thread die away. If Anne has any new questions she can always ask them in a new thread.
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To clarify- I am not "anti- Anne". Rather anti drama. For every action there is a reaction. I am meaning to suggest that perhaps the wife is reacting in the way she is based on her perception of how she is being treated. Wifes reaction is effecting dad. To help dad, help the wife and perhaps with a little less drama and more acceptance things could smooth out. Perhaps could it ever come to the wife feeling comfortable enough to come see her husband on a regular basis, sit with him privately and the two of them enjoy some time together. It's done everyday when one spouse is in a facility and the other lives elsewhere. Is it possible to tell dad while his wife still loves him it's impossible for her at her age to be a caregiver and is living a short distance away for everyone's well being? I'm just say the drama and accusations - judging the motives of this woman started with the original post. There are two sides to every story and the truth usually falls somewhere in the middle.
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I don't blame her for attacking me, since I bit first. I read a lot into choice of words and contradictions in writing. The slant painted a picture of a bad wife/step mother. When you change the words to something more neutral, the slant changed to a picture of a woman dealing with a bad situation -- the man she married now had Alz and life was totally changed. I empathized with the woman, who would have been about 80 at the time. It is tough to adjust to a new normal at 80. Perhaps a bit more empathy and less resentment would go a long way.
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When my son was diagnosed with autism I suspose you could say I "drug him from doctor to doctor". I was not looking for the most convenient or acceptable diagnosis but for any diagnosis that would tell me a mistake had been made - that it wasn't true. When someone you love is diagnosed with a serious, life changing disease or condition, it can shatter your would - it can scare the hell out of you. You would do anything to hear even one expert say perhaps it's not as bad as it seems. It's a shame your dads wife didn't react according to your playbook of acceptable responses. Now it seems a few here aren't replying according to your playbook and you accuse us of being a "clique in full swing". It's amazing your dads wife stuck it out for as long as she did.
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